He always said he was an empath. Much later, I realized that wasn't true. One day I asked him what empathy was. I got the deer in the headlight look, followed with a shaky sounding "doing nice things for other people" 🤦♀️ He had no idea, and had never known how to put himself in another person's shoes. That was obvious with all the reactive abuse. It was so sick and twisted, with a dash of WTF, while he feigned altruism to everyone else. A kind, giving, innocent.......VICTIM. Of everything. The absolute WORST I've ever been treated in my lifetime.
I feel your pain. It was basically a 3 month cycle. When I started to bring it to his attention he would lash out and degrade my emensly..ugh..finally free and am trying to forget him but it's so hard..😣☹️
My ex kept saying she was an empath and hypersensitive to people's emotions. But in the same breath wouldn't blink an eye to "Thanos" or snap her finger to get rid of half of the people on the planet because of stupid people. She told me she doesn't cry but when I finally left her for good a week later she tries to call and message me giving me the guilt trip about her crying expecting me to call her and that I didn't care....such an emotional roller coaster. There is no peace and when you think everything is going good bam the drop hits again. At first it's months in between the dips to weeks then to days then hours. It's crazy.
Funny, my ex-friend also told me she was an empath. It threw me off, and I was vulnerable because I was dealing with a narcissistic parent at the time. The first time I got her to unmask was when I asked her to apologize for some really bad behaviour, and she gave me ye olde "fauxpology". She lost her mind when I wouldn't accept it, and I'm ashamed that at the time I went back and grovelled for upsetting HER for not accepting her fauxpology. There were so many red flags I ignored, and more happened before I cut her out of my life, but that one cemented in my mind that she wasn't the friend I thought she was. Empath? Wow. No.
My NO's were understood that I was too difficult to treat, I was disrespectful to him and I didn't love him. I am glad me and my kids are out of the neverending cycle of abuse and control. God is so good to us. Never look back neither be back
I was discarded and ghosted twice by a guy because he felt entitled to Sex and my body after 2 dinner dates and hours upon hours of phone conversations. (He never got Sex from me, btw). He kept telling me NO MAN is going to wait this long to have sex. He just turned 44 in February by the way. I’m going to be 41 in 2 weeks. I am SICK that I was fooled into meeting him. Such a liar he is.
@@laundrybasket2689 I'm sorry you had to go through that. Imagine a 44 year old man acting like that, it's really sad. At least it was only 2 dinner dates. In my case it was a 26 year old female that I was previously involved with. I didn't want to believe she was a covert narcissist and I gave her the benefit of the doubt and forgave her and she did the same thing each time. I was discarded 3 times by her. These people are sick.
I’m so proud of myself because I actually was able to get that mask to slip after only 3 days! It was really hard to say “NO!” And yet I’m so glad I did! Your educational work has saved me from more suffering. Honestly it was hard to trust myself and listen to my instincts. And it was even hard to end it! Ugh. I am not going to waste decades more of my life though going down that same horrible painful road! Power on my friends. You CAN SEE IT IF YOU ARE BRAVE!
Yup! When I saying “No” he quickly started looking for another supply. He did it behind my back. I didn’t even know he was grooming his married co-worker. She left her husband for him, adapted his faith, submitted her estate with land to him. I am convinced she never says “No” to him. Perfect co-dependent. They belong together.
You were on point with everything I experienced with my wife. When I discovered her secrets and confronted her with them, she got so defensive, enraged, called the police on me, framed me for domestic violence, took my kids and parked up the house and left the state. I got out of jail, had a protection order against her. After a month, the protection order was modified so we could talk. She acted like nothing ever happened, blamed me for everything, told me I need help and that she's never coming back until I change. I'm honestly still confused as to what I did and I believe I'm in a trauma bond. My gut tells me to divorce her and for once in our relationship, I will do just that. It's a sickening experience. Everything you say is right on point and factual. Thank you for making me know I'm not delusional with all these information you give out fir free.
Keep yur head up an run as fast as yu can, my wife did the same, had a secret life, lied all the time, never admitted anything or said sorry. I caught her sleeping with 5 different men while married. Nothing but pretend empathy yet to much of a coward to be honest and tell how she felt. Provoked me into outburst then lied to the police and got me kicked out of my own home. Just a terrible witch
I have a narcissist co-worker whose mask slipped once I became aloof to anything he shared that was going on in his life. He quickly went into the baiting game to try to get a reaction, so that he could play the victim. Once he did that, I went no contact, and outside of a few desperate attempts to hoover, he's mostly left me alone.
I had a feeling I was dealing with a narcissist in my husband's family when this particular person didn't greet me the first time I met the family. As a matter of fact, she ignores me and gives me the cold shoulder every time the family gets together. (I now know it's because she views me as competition.) I unmasked her when I said "maybe" to attending Thanksgiving at her house, as she demanded a yes/no answer instead. Knowing what she is, I was still nice to her for years, but her coldness, fake-niceness, and need to control everyone and everything was just draining, so I cut ties. It's been so peaceful not having to be around her.
The best way I found to see the mask slip is to do to them what they do to you, devalue them, highlight the disparity between what they are and what they portray themselves to be.
PSA: An empath is a person highly attuned to the feelings and emotions of those around them. Empaths feel what another person is feeling at a deep emotional level. Their ability to discern what others are feeling goes beyond empathy, which is defined simply as the ability to understand the feelings of others. Instead, being an empath extends to actually taking those feelings on. For several years, due to social media, ppl have misused the word empath. To the point where it’s over glorified and everyone wants the label. As soon a person says they’re an empath because they have empathy, they’re most likely not an empath. Or if they actually are (which is supposed to be rare) they’re an “immature” empath who doesn’t understand the heavy burden they carry. These are not ppl that you will see in big crowds and socializing ALL the time. True Empaths need to re energize and cleanse over and over again because of their sensitivity; if not, you will feel insane. They also need to learn to protect themselves because they attract all types of ppl/ low vibration energies and most likely have some type of psychic ability too. Which also has to be developed. They also have a stronger connection to the supernatural. So they will most likely see ghosts or orbs or auras or visions or hear voices… etc.
I got a covert narc to give herself away by talking about other narcs I'd triggered. Just hearing the word narcissist was enough of a clue. The unbridled anger when you figure them out is epic.
She would act excited about doing/sharing an activity with me, but as soon as we started that activity, she would make a lot of selfish demands. For example, could you wait an extra 30 minutes for me to get ready, could you drive because I don't feel comfortable, could you pay because I don't have cash, etc.
From what I can tell. I think my mother is a covert/boarderline. I think because of that, and my father being a malignant/sociopath, I have a lot of these people around me. It’s what I’m familiar with despite wanting nothing to do with them. One thing is for sure, they all live in a fantasy. If you want to and are prepared to unmask one. Focus on the truth. Save all txts, emails and correspondence. Capture anything in pics or video. It’s only a short matter of time before they unmask themselves. It’s easy to admiringly ask them to tell the story of”whatever “ and their “version” of events never line up with what everyone else saw. They truly are”not watching the same movie the rest of us are” Joe Rogan quote.
You have got a heart of gold. Not only have you survived narcissism, but you share your knowledge to help others. There are no better expertise than survivers themselves. I Thank you! 😊😅
*Think you may have had a relationship with a narcissist?* Download the FREE checklist to see how your experience stacks up to the phases of narcissistic abuse: www.commonego.com/checklist
In my case there were moments during the initial love bombing fase when her facial expression would change to what later would turn out to be her ' natural ' state : gloomy , joyless , with dark expressionless eyes. Just short flashes of it. The eternal positivist in me was starting to catch feelings for the fake loving mask she projected , so i ignored it. She was very good at subtle , well dosed manipulations. Smart and highly educated. Turned into a real nightmare afterwards.
I can barely believe that I was able to see it and “escape” before I got sucked in the rabbit hole. It feels so “normal” and easy when around a new person getting all that love-bombing. But I managed to double check myself and that FEELING. Thank goodness. It’s only been a week since I managed to pull away and break it off and it made me very sad. And yet now I feel relieved!
I would reallt apreciate of you made a video about being a covert narc ' mistress. It's sad enough being the other woman, but to a narc... I cant begin to explain the pain i m in now
I had my very close friend tell me they "never lied" - he did! When I lost my job, he said that school was a business and it's not personal and that I just should accept it(it came down to money - I was paid more than local people so they could get 2 for 1 me) . He raged for the first time when I said something to someone months earlier as a joke, mostly about someone else and it got twisted and it was relayed back to him that HE should not get involved in future outdoor endeavours - NOT the image he wanted to portray to people and he totally lost it with me. We spent the next year, cycling downwards, blaming me for talking too much, telling his secrets, being a horrible person, not a good leader, not a good friend etc etc etc. He wore different glasses to go out to what he wore to work - as they were completely different personas. It has taken me years to understand that it was NOT MY FAULT and all the pointed things he did to make me feel awful, were really targeted at me (eg. going around to every single member of the workroom and talking to them - except for me. ) I had never felt so personally attacked in all my life - although I know I have come across narcissist before and since - including my own family. Lots of untwisting still to do about that!
My wife seems to have low empathy and other traits you mention. When she encounters strangers, however, she goes out of her way to show "over the top" caring. She'll comment about how beautiful and amazing a person is who is clearly average, for example. A mangy mut is the "cutest dog " she has ever seen. She is clearly doing this for manipulation, but unless you live with her, you'll likely never notice.
Yes, we had an experience in a family gathering. We were waiting for a relative to show up and it was coming onto 5 minutes and couple of us were having a laugh, talking and all sudden. One of the girlfriends in the family kicked up a fuss, walked off to her partner and those of us that remained behind looked at each other "ok, this is weird." we knew then that something was up and the mask came off. It has been hell since. I do suggest walking away from that person, but be smart about it and have it planned out before going no contact.
I got the first taste of rage from my ex covert girlfriend after I said "No' to having sex for the 4th time in one night. I guess cuddling wasn't on the menu for her that night! I'm so glad that I Googled that, and other behaviors that she displayed - I was able to connect the dots of all the mental bookmarks I had made in my time with her and see the full picture for what it was. I dodged a major bullet!
Similar situation here. I told her no to having sex for 3 days. She threw a fit, and went to the extreme of cutting sex out altogether. I respected her suggestion, which made her even more angry. That was my final confirmation after 13 years.
I'm not qualified to make the diagnosis but I've been watching a lot of videos on narcissism and I am absolutely convinced that my girlfriend has covert narcissistic personality disorder, comorbid with borderline personality disorder. She was treated an exactly the way that narcissists are when they are created, she was ruthlessly punished and treated badly talked down to, followed by being treated like a god, like everything she does is perfect. One of her main towels is she will ask me why I'm mad at her and she will do it repeatedly.
The 'wait-and-see' thing is tricky though and can be a form of self-delusion, or at least it was in my case. The red flags were there screaming at me within the first month, actually on our very first date even, but I wanted to be 100% sure as I have an awful habit of giving undeserving people the benefit of the doubt, thanks to early attachment wounds and childhood trauma. But wanting to be 100% sure was actually my trauma-bonded self waiting to see if he would change when I knew deep down he wouldn't, and waiting to see if I could also help/change him which I knew deep down I couldn't either. The reality is he never exhibited any real genuine signs of self-reflection or wanting to change. But I clung to hope. When you let go of hope and stop feeling sorry for the narc is when you get free. He let his mask slip a few times but it took the intense unmasking after I challenged him on his lies for me to block him and burn bridges back to him.
Thank you so much for help, everyone has a story to tell about how evil these people can be; I’ve have just escaped after 5 years of so called “friendship “ a total emotional rollercoaster of hell, and this video has made me determined not to look back at her, every thing you said is so true, thank you again
I have experienced all of this!!!! I was raised in and have lived most of my life in a culture of narcissism, in which the people have been trained by example of others how to treat those who don't like how they all are and don't want to be like.
I recently met this other guy who was nice. Who presented as very humble and vulnerable. I was conviced that he was humble. He spoke a lot about himself and got really excited when he spoke about himself. One day I was going through a break up with the person I was seeing. This guy switched the conversation to be about him and his abusive family. At the time, I was unassuming. He complained that a lot of people don't like him because he is helpful and he is emotional. As months passed I realized that he goes around seeking validation and attention a lot. I asked that we go hiking but he rescheduled indefinitely. Anyway everytime we meet, we talk about him. His woes I was going through something and I shared with him. I realised that he didn't have any emotional empathy. I felt like he was indifferent. Now that you mention "cognitive empathy" it makes sense. I've always been suspicious of someone being off about him. I gathered that he lacked self awareness. He was seeking validation and he was uncomfortable with not looking perfect that he lied about getting tutoring for a subject he struggled with It took 3 months for me to finally be convinced about wht exactly was wrong with him.
I have had 1 at my former workplace . She's a woman always like getting her way. She was very cold towards me. I live in Australia. So it has started here as well
It's as though you were a fly on my wall. So accurate and true to the experiences I lived/am living with the person I regretfully married. It almost made me crazy, it definitely made me insecure and doubt myself. The memory of seeing him 'cry' about something significant and the feeling I had that this was some kind of show instead of true emotion has never left my mind. I knew he was a covert narcissist before I knew this term. Thank you for doing the good work to help us dealing with these shells of so called people.
your content is so enlightning.. not that I didn't know first hand, but I found validation of my emotions in your videos. thank you very much for your work!
I have recently been made aware I have a lot of Sigma traits, I saw her mask slip and she saw that I saw, I think it was because I refused to be drawn into her dramas, but simply offered her a drink or to watch a movie instead. It wasn't long after that, the devalue-ing and finally a discard happened. Good riddance, onwards and upwards! No idea where she now is or who she is now love bombing, I just know it's not me ... Whoop!. Her loss in all areas!
When something bad happened to me he was laughing, and other people were worried... that's not normal... he was worried in situations where there was no danger but in true issues he was smiling and making it small, even when I was at the hospital, he would say he has worse problems-his job... It's just like there was no coherence in his behavior, words, reactions... I've noticed it very fast, even in love booming but as he was so in love, I just thought he was missing education and good manners and that he can learn them... also he would eat his food and then food from my plate, sometimes on purpose when he knew I wanted to cook something he would eat ingredients I bought. It was especially visible with food, sounds stupid but he would never consider other people....
I,once,stumbled upon the adulterous relationship a bragging male narcissist had with married female colleagues by,wrongly,assuming that these women handled him in one instance,and telling that to other male colleagues in front of this narcissist,whom became,instantly,so resentful,discarding,and infuriated that the intervention of others was crucial for preventing us to end up smashing each other's faces.
I was called a robot, so I tried to not be, then I realized she wanted a reaction out of me. Which I guess my soul was like, its going against our values of free will. So I keep being a robot. Lol realized she was projecting.😅 Thank you for this video I will be looking for patterns ❤
My covert narcissist brother-in-law (who claims empathy and self-awareness) got angry at me for not giving enough narc supply at a family get together and discarded me with a text message where he ripped his own mask off and showed who he truly was. He was so angry that he left the event in a huff, then later threatened my life, my job, my financial well being, my relationship with my sister, and told me that the only thing he wanted to hear from me in the future was "Yes Sir!" WTF? We are no-contact now for two years and I couldn't be happier. My sister is weak and just goes along with him to avoid his rage; he's made her into a depressed shell of the person she used to be . . . he can have her, but not me. Move on!
My narc couldn't resist commenting watching films, and her true feelings just clobbered me: "OK, so the *child that was hurt* DESERVED that pain because they were stupid?!!!" OMG!!!!
i just called him out on everything, he eventually hated me for it. he was jealous of me in every way so creepy found new supply 4 months after separating after our 6 year long relationship i feel bad for the new guy
I had this conversation with my husband and he said he'd rather rip the mask off because he'd want to know who he was really dealing with but I'm a little more like do I really want to see their nasty vicious side? I don't always hold up too well under pressure so I wouldn't probably antagonise them - oh, I know Mom and sister have a nasty streak when I've gone up against them, but that's my family and if that's my family do I really want to uncover how nasty a coworker is, and if I do, how do I know it's going to be verbal? I once had a girl smiling at me as she walked past me on my till like with her teeth and she's never done that before and I found it strange and weird at the time and a little voice in my head said "I don't think I should be looking directly at her." Anyways later on I understand that she used me to benefit herself to gain the upper hand on someone else and I had to explain to a lady in charge I had no idea or any part in this - so imagine if she could do that now, imagine what she could do if she tried to get back at me. Of course I had loads of ideas how I would handle her like keep my enemies closer but then I thought treat her the way I'd expect to be treated and I've never had a problem with her. I've watched her try to gain sympathy and make up stories at work making up there's a ghost in the toilets and making out she's dressed like a scruff because she's been thrown off a horse the day before but I just let her get on with it because it's her life her choices and I'm having nothing to do with it.
My covert Malignant was looking out my kitchen window one day. I asked what she was looking at outside and she responded by saying “a hot guy”. I came to the window as I thought maybe she was looking a bird or something and then she said “what would you say if there really was a hot guy outside”? I stated well then we would be having a serious conversation. The next evening I brought it up because I was upset by what she said. She then proceeded to threaten a break up and said that “you’ve broke up with a lot of girls you would get over it”. Can you just feel the emotional empathy. I said you’re threatening another breakup, maybe you should go see what’s out there. She then said you know that’s a very narcissistic thing to say. No apology just a threat of abandonment. She called me up once and started the conversation by saying I see you’re in a bad mood. I said what are you talking about? I told her we would just speak tomorrow because I didn’t want to have an altercation. 10 minutes later I called her back because I felt bad, she wouldn’t pick up the phone and texted me a whole bunch of stuff and said “no you said you don’t want to talk so let’s not talk, and I don’t even have the right to ask how my boyfriends doing, goodnight sweet dreams!”. This is how your brain gets turned into scrambled eggs. This behavior causes severe confusion and cognitive dissonance. You begin to think you did something wrong and start questioning yourself. We came back from a day trip on my Birthday and as soon as we got close to home she blindsided me with an argument in the car. She started complaining that I didn’t take any selfies with her on the trip and I didn’t let her play the music she wanted in the car. When I tried to calm her down and simply said let’s just hangout at home at have a nice night she continued her behavior causing me to just drop her off. She then continued to argue with me the next evening for 2 hours on the phone. Happy Birthday lol The final straws were when I was at the gym at she called me up and became very nasty and said you know you’re retired you can work around my schedule; and what is there a hot girl at the gym? I started getting upset (what I now know to be reactive abuse) and the manager came over to see if I was alright. She was breaking through my defenses, I didn’t even realize I was raising my voice. A few days later I was at the gym a close to leaving, I simply asked if she needed a ride from the train? She said it was coming in a few minutes and I said I wouldn’t have enough time because I had to take shower. She said no it’s okay I’m getting a ride. The next evening all I did was ask her if she went with her sister to the market after she got back from the train ride. She stated “why would you assume my sister picked me up”. “You’re a funny guy”. Obviously trying to provoke feelings of jealousy in me and punishing me. There is so much more but these are a few example of the kind loving person behind the mask. We all dated the same person
Oh Shoot! I’m the Cover Narc! I Thought I Was an empath! I believe when I was a kid I truly was an empath! Now as an adult I’ve become hardened and I have a tendency to fake empathy! Just realized all of this just now
Made the mask slip a few times over a 2 year relationship, each time I would be discarded then hoover back in before I learnt what she is. First time, was a No I can't come over tonight as I had work at 4am in the morning, which was met with oh I need you so bad, then you don't love me this was super early on in the relationship I wish I saw it for what ot was. Second, was trying to set a boundary and communicating my needs, which just got dismissed and made to feel like I'm asking too much. Third, was holding her accountable for her behavior as she when she drinks the mask really came off, where I was gas lit and made to be the problem. Fourth, was when I tried to give a little criticism from a place of love about her unhealthy life style, as she became quite withdrawn by hiding in her room all day, only eating and feeding her kids junk food and her drinking was getting worse. Of course it got turned into you think I'm ugly and fat, I'm sorry I'm not as perfect as you then proceed to tell about all my flaws. Fifth and most recent, Was I just over it, sick of being used, being unheard, unseen, unappreciated and taken for granted and being made to feel like I'm never enough, so I became distant, and when I communicated why I was being distant, the mask completely shattered, and I was blown away by her reaction, It was all my fault you this and you that your the worst partner, brought all this stuff up from the past that was spun to suit her reality and then with out a chance to reply, I was told we are done and to never contact her again. discarded just like that. Haven't heard or spoken to her in 2 weeks now.
I got the mask to slip the first time questioning about some money she had. Started to punch me. Every time I brought up infidelity, mask slipped. I walked away and ghosted 3rd time it happened. Nothing to stick around for and I will never know the truth. Her loss, my sanity and life!
We had a heated argument on her cheating though I wasn't sure, she said (setswana translated) "even you're cheating. I kept quiet and left the room. She broke her phone and a glass.
Question: would it be considered cognitive empathy if a person has learned to suppress their emotions due to past experiences? Like they understand the feeling of being empathetic beyond logic but they have built up a wall for protection
Yes, I was. I've been dating a covert narcissist for a couple of years and not too long ago after I became educated and understood what I'm dealing with. I refuse to engage with her one night when she insisted on doing what she wanted to do I said I'm not going into this with you I went Grayrock and I ended up blocking around my phone because she kept blowing it up as I was giving a friend a ride, she lost it and decided to try and smear me social media on Facebook which I found the whole event funny because her attempted smearing me brought her own smear back to the surface which was a lot worse its way if that makes any sense
I tend to be the victim of narcissists usually don't notice it and end up needing saved by someone that recognizes it. I've never been able to cuz I get stuck in a processing loop, I can't ever figure out the why, the rational behind it, like it does not process in my brain so I tend to shutdown or if it triggers emotions hard enough I may meltdown in a self directed way cuz my brain isn't able to understand, well that's one of the most upsetting thing ever to me. I must understand ALL, that self directed meltdown also shows them an ez way to abuse, get me to do it to myself 😢 So since most these traits(alternative motives) also applies to autism, so does this mean us autistic ppl r narcissist? Lol kidding, this stuff is similar until looking at motive, fit in(so not to b singled out as a target) vs nasty intentions. Share what is most poggers to us vs feigning interest to manipulate. Some of us even mimic emotions we see if we don't understand how we're supposed to act, it's less embarrassing then asking the group to explain it in a way I can understand 🙈 like sarcasm or why a rational or expected action/reaction is out of place or funny
How do you spot a covert narcissist hoovering? Literally asking for someone else. The narcissist is then on his guard, trying best to pretend good behavior until the discard/crisis has passed, so I'm wondering the best way to spot it (especially for someone who doesn't want to believe it).
WILL IT HELP IN COURT? I have false domestic battery charges & order of protection against her & my kids. With a divorce now filed so in her head she can play the victim. I'm a amazing father & it's killing me. My kids are my world. They need their father to do that to them is horrible
I seriously wouldn't bring up Psychobable (labeling Her as a Covert Narcissist or whatever) in anything Court Room related- just deny the domestic violence and stay calm no matter what, Judges know women make these things up in many cases.
Yes they fake empathy but they appear to really care about strangers. It seems extremely sincere and they will try to help them. This has been painful to watch but it’s a front I know but the world buys it.
The mask slipped when my wife said that she needed me to supply her with affirmation and confidence, and if I didn't provide it, she would turn to two other friends for that supply.
Her mask slipped when she blocked me and i popped up at her house and found out ahe had a new supply and i called the police cause she been gate keeping my child away from me so when the police pulled up she glitched her personality to being nice in front of the police to make it seem like she was willing ro let me see the baby but i got proof she not a nice person. She put a false order protection on me , who does that to the father of they child ??
Yes I said no to a 3 sum. Wow stonewalled, tried to convince nonstop, rage, cheated to get it after triangulating with my replacement. My first silent treatment after it said, GM Learn Your Lesson Yet?
