That was a great advice, thank you. For myself I decided to move on and I would rather be alone for rest of my life then let my ex back. The amount of pain and loneliness I felt in that relationship is not worth the risk. Heal your heart and attachment style and stay no contact, no matter how much you loved them. That's my way.
Thats how I described my relationship, lonely 🙁 he'd never respond to my txts. Or he'd read them and not reply. Great when I was with him. But lonely in-between. He dumped me via txt on Monday. We were supposed to be getting married in September. 2 years trying to give all my love to an avoident. 😢
@@beaker7353 omg, i'm so sorry :( believe me you spared yourself from a probably lonely marriage, but I know it hurts a lot. sending you a hug... you're not alone. ps. my ex also was great when we were physically together, otherwise I might as well not exist... I left a month ago after 3 years of being together.
@@Missybella92227you're absolutely right, they don't tolerate it bc ive tested this theory..they start to then get upset and antsy and ask why havent I texted them back?😅 theyre some sons of bitches lol jk nah they are when they dont want to put in the work ☺️
Then stop telling them you cheated in them or are cheating on them, don't do something that a person would want to leave that's not avoiding that's trauma from doing something most people wld leave over. I'm not an avoidance. I have never avoided talking about problems in any of my relationships but you do things that shatter a person's heart and expect them to just be ok.
Regrettably they won't because they don't care about the damage they do to others, They'll just move on to the next and cause the same damage. They're basically psychopaths with no empathy or feelings for anyone else, extremely selfish individuals, it's all about them and what they can get.@@walkertranger5746
25 years of marriage and the fourth time he discarded me during the relationship (saying the most hateful unforgivable things he ever said to me) I finally learned my lesson I’m done no contact for a year and a half now - he is dragging his feet with the divorce he filed - I have a new house - new job/promotion healing and building a new life for myself NO WAY I’M LETTING CHAOS BACK IN
I was an avoidant narcissist. It requires years, and ego death. It's inevitable for many people to face the consequences of their behavior. Just don't bet on it.
Most avoidants suffered some type of abandonment when they were infants. It was not their fault nor their decision. That's what saddens me, they were so damaged emotionally and it was never their fault.
True. And it's not their fault for getting scared or even for breaking up with you. But it IS their fault when they do it in a cruel, dismissive way. EVERYONE knows ghosting isn't okay. Cheating isn't okay. Cushioning isn't okay. Saying mean things isn't okay. If they're going to leave, fine. But they don't have to be mean in the process.
This has been most heart breaking time in my life. So much pain in trying to find the logic then I find this and it mirrors everything. I love him without question but the pain is immeasurable because we never receive the answers, can never obtain peace. Anyone who has never been in an avoidant relationship will never understand the heartbreak it is to love one.
@@VVixen78 you too - I absolutely feel your pain. Same for me, left me second time around. I am trying so hard just to tell myself “let it go”. It’s so hard but all we can do is try to heal and accept they just will never comprehend how their actions affect those who love them.
@@user-vp7gp6ti3b 2 months back she broke up. I tried so hard to talk but she was rude. She behaved like she dont know me. It made me sad for weeks. I dont want her back now. She is emotionally immature and doestnt know what love is.
Do you think they do learn lessons though? I was told it’s a mental health condition, that only intensive therapy, willingness to heal can ever help them? The traits are so similar to NPD I’m not sure they do learn lessons.
He said he'll do therapy. Then went to 1 session where instead of talking about emotional issues, he spoke about work... They have good intentions, but lack the commitment to follow through...
OMG - this came at the right time. My DM is coming back 8 months after no contact and boy do I have my walls up ! I have never felt pain like I felt when he up'd and ran for what was to me as no apparent reason. It was one time too many. My goodness, the pain was crushing Never again. Thank you.🙏🙏
My DA ex just resurfaced last week. I'm his idealized phantom ex. I'm playing it step by step so that at the perfect time I'll tell him - kindly but firmly - "I’m moving on with my life, confident I’ll find someone trustworthy, devoted, and caring who loves me as much as I love him. And, let’s be honest: we both know that could never be you. Fidelity simply isn’t in your blood. I now know you’re what’s called a “dismissive avoidant.” Someone who is unable to form lasting, loving connections but who, instead, is always looking for the next thing, even when the best woman he’s ever known is by his side, loving him with all her heart."
Right on. Funny, when the avoidant I was in a relationship who had dumped me out of the blue, came back to contact me 3 months later - I said one sentence and nothing more... 'Dude have some dignity." I'm sure he fell over in shock and boy did it feel good to dismiss him in four words.
He ended it after promising a future and commitment - days later he said couldn’t do it and that was it. Then reaching out to me, I told him no, I could not have him in my life the way he is. It doesn’t stop the pain though, although I pray time is a healer…
@@user-vp7gp6ti3b Time is a healer when you also dig into the ways this person wasn't really all you thought they were - for example, turn the tables and ask yourself if you would ever handle a person the way they did - I doubt it - and then reflect on how bad their behavior was and how they plain didn't care about you and what sort of person is that? Someone not worth my time or thought quite frankly
Sharing my personal experience, I once dated someone with dismissive avoidant tendencies. The relationship was marked by constant fluctuations, with him being hot and cold. After our breakup in 2021, I felt heartbroken but still saw him occasionally. Fast forward to March this year, we reconnected, and he seemed genuinely interested, expressing how much he missed me and was comfortable around me. We even discussed the possibility of taking things slow and rekindling our connection. However, just days later, he informed me that he needed space and time to be alone, despite harboring no ill feelings towards me. This turn of events left me utterly shattered. Through my experiences, I've learned that change is often elusive in such situations. If anyone's wondering whether people like him can change, my answer, based on years of experience, unfortunately, no.
This is actually quite empowering for us anxious-attachers who are afraid of getting hurt again by the one we can't stop loving. I really appreciate you for this. Thank you.
Thank you sir. This is both informative and comforting. As a christian ive played back in my mind bringing them back unconditionally, but the more i learn I feel like the conditions are a healthy boundry for the both of us. Forgiving is one thing. Reconseleaton is another.
God and my experience with a DA ex taught me a lot about love and forgiveness: I wanted to break up with my DA ex out of anger, several times during two years. I also wanted revenge, and knew precisely how to hurt her. Three times I was stopped by references to 1 Corinthians 13 popping up in different places, within seconds or minutes. Fourth time I was stopped by an article about attachment styles popping up. The fifth time I guessed that she was going to break no contact the day after an event and started getting angry - then a reference to 1 Corinth 13 popped up again, and I treated her with kindness. After a while she startes talking to me more often, but the situation was just getting worse. As a new believer, I was questioning both my faith and the signs I was given. Would God really want me to forgive and take back a person who treated me like she did? One day, I prayed for a new sign - and got one immediately. A cheesy-looking motivational video called "God Is Telling You To Let Them Go" popped up on RU-vid. A bit into the video, I heard something that made me connect many dots and once. In short, I realized that I never would have understood the situation if we had ended things earlier. Ending it before I understood her, attachment theory and our relationship would have brought out the worst in me, maybe permanently changing me and my worldview. Despite the damage that avoidant people can do to others, they are also very fragile, and I would have hurt her tremendously if I had been left to my own devices. Now I ended things in the most loving way possible. It was painful, but I had tried for so long and given her so many chances. Staying would have enabled her issues, broken me and affected other loved ones. Forgiving doesn't mean that we have to keep taking back someone that is continually abandoning us. The love that Paul spoke about is wishing and doing the best for someone else, and sometimes the best thing for them is to let them go.
I hear you … same boat… conditions and boundaries only … God centered relationship only where two are climbing on two sides of triangular towards God to meet. It’s a tough one. I understand your forgiveness.
I really like how you presented this. It really hits things head on… I went back several times even with conditions… But it ends up in the same place and I am pretty damn happy now so I’m perfectly happy to send him some macaroni and cheese to go with his breadcrumbs… I’m not mad or hurt anymore. I’m just looking for something better.
I am so glad people are talking about attachment styles because I’ve learned about myself and the avoidant style… And it makes sense that I’m the exact wrong fit for that personality… I would never force myself on someone, but it just never occurred to me that that’s how it felt to them
if you wanna have your heart broken again, let them get back into your life again. My ex contacted me after a month of no contact (she discarded me). she Just asked how i feel and if i am ok, i said that im fine and hope that. she is doing well to. She said that she would like to start again, rebuilt out relationship - i set a boundary, if you have contact with your ex please let me heal, dont wanna have my heart broken again. After few messages she said that she is flying to Spain with her ex to Spain for Holiday, never let this girl Come back to your life, once discarded, it will happen again, there are sick people, egoistic and completely not worth spending time on. Coach your doing great job, keep on doing it.
This is great advice, but what's missing is for the ex partner of the avoidant to self-reflect and take accountability on their end too. A lot of times people who lean anxious or become anxious come off as volatile when they're trying to get their point across which will naturally make an avoidant or even a secure person step aside and assess whether this is a healthy relationship for them. The other thing is being too clingy and invading a person's time and space. Some people like alone time, but their partners want constant contact which again could push anyone away. I think it needs to be looked at on both sides. Vilifying avoidants alone isn't helpful. Most of the time it's two unhealed people in the relationship hence why anxious/avoidants are attracted to each other yet also repel each other.
Well said. Both sides have work to do. Not necessarily because the partner of the person with avoidant attachment style wasn't mostly wrong , but because whether you were also behaving in ways that inadvertently triggered them, or not, or you take them back or not, you now have some relationship betrayal trauma to deal with. Trauma is like scarring that keeps you from being able to move and act freely and without pain. It doesn't get better without the right kind of therapy.
I was just commenting basically the same thing, but with less patience than you put in your message. Its this coach's tone of voice which is passive aggressive, and their words like "discard", and their absence of self-reflection on both sides into the issues of the relationship, which just comes across to me as one of those self-labeled guru's who made a channel because they are still salty about their ex.
@@0Demiyah0 haha yessss! I pretty much wrote the same thing on another one of his videos asking if he was getting over a break up with an avoidant, because he is making them sound like narcissists using the word "discard". Either that or he just realizes he can capitalize more on these types of videos because anxious people are ALL over these threads commenting and giving each other high fives comparing their avoidant stories. It's ridiculous telling people they do nothing wrong on their end. How does he know? I'm reading comments about how some ended up having a mental breakdown over their avoidant ex when they were broken up with and yet...it's still the avoidants fault. Emotionally stable people don't fall apart this way over a break up. Yes we can be sad, cry and heartbroken. It hurts like hell but we still have lives to live and have to keep our composure with other parts of our life. I wish he would address this stuff because it's unhealthy to put the blame on an entire attachment style. It's toxic advice. The anxious partner can be just as unhealthy if not more.
@@SunshineAndSnowflakes in a creepy manner, I think it's narcissistic to keep using the word "discard", emit this thinly veiled rageful energy, be grandiose enough to claim some type of expertise about avoidants or psychology to advice others, omit and avoid the role of TWO people in creating dynamics, downplaying the inner-issues of the one who dated the avoidant and their accountability to grow, projecting only doom & gloom onto people who are open to pursue reconciliation etc. Some of his advice is OK, but it's a kind of copy-paste of what others do but others deliver that message with more emotional intelligence and empathy. This coach does not strik me as very empathic. Either he is kinda narcissistic himself or he's just not that healed, because otherwise, why focus so much on toxic advice?
Unfortunately avoidants can turn secure people into anxious so yes the Avoidant needs to take responsibility since that starts the chicken and the egg problem. A secure person can't heal them but a secure person can heal an anxious person, who is able to change
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to move on, I really loved him so much i can’t stop thinking about him and the memories we shared. I’ve tried my very best to get him back in my life, but to no avail. I’m frustrated, and i don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts, but i can’t.
I have been in such a situation. My relationship ended about three years ago, but i could not let her go. So i had to do all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual adviser who helped me bring her back. We are back together, and i must say i am enjoying every moment.
4 months after I was ghosted she reached out apologizing and then was gone again as fast as she reappeared. Been back in NC for almost a month. I'm not waiting around, but this crap is just weird
It's not that weird. Behind the scenes there's something else going on with another person/s, and so she's hot/cold towards you depending on how hot/cold the other person/s is/are towards her. Protect your heart.
I finally have clarity .. it’s not me!! I have gotten So many lessons from my avoidant, Learnt so much about myself, I emotional matured, I learned about healthy boundaries, I learned to be in my feminine energy and not try to take control or move things forward because I’m ready, I learned to go with the flow, do things I love to do, that make me happy. I learned self love, self care, to be high vibrational. But this! This information gave me a light bulb! I’m so glad to be off the roller coaster, and now I know exactly what I need to do when he comes back, how to say thanks and goodbye and good luck on your healing process. Thank you Ryan I forgive myself. ❤
Block them. It’s not immature. It’s necessary to heal and get them completely out of your system. They rarely change or get better. They don’t take responsibility.
I dumped my avoidant gf after 6 years. Her avoidant behavior got worse over the last 6 months of the relationship. Enough is enough, NC for 30 days so far. whether she comes back begging or not, I win. She changes or I find someone else who's a better fit
Very sound advise 👍🏻 I only hope my ex reaches out so I CAN lay down the law to her. A few months ago, I would have been guilty of taking her back, no question. But not now. As you say, they MUST be made to do the work. Thanks mate 👍🏻
Sometimes we have to remember that we dislike the dynamic, not the person. I’m assuming most of us in here were secure at one point with an avoidant partner but got triggered with being anxious towards the end. I know how you all feel 😢 I was with my girl for 2 years living together with our children. The backlash left the kids so shaken and I was in a dark and lonely place. Now I come home feeling it’s like a prison…. And this was a home we wanted for each other for our family. I didn’t know about attachment types until 2 months ago when she actually left. I’ve been working on myself to be in a better place mentally and to not show that anxious side. Remember, when we stop reaching out, they start to wonder like “wth” What I’ve learned so far is when you give them what you want, they will reach out. I hope all of us understand that this person needs to reflect. That will more than likely happen 2-4 months or sooner… you gave then a love that nobody else provided and when they feel it’s lost, I’m sure they’ll try and get the help they need to make it work.
I’m a DA I believe, but every time I leave I never come back. Typically, there’s a logical reason. The person wanted kids, I didn’t. They were raging conservatives while I’m more liberal. I “discard” (breakup imo) and it doesn’t make sense to go back to something that wasn’t it in the first place. The other party always reaches out though, I just ignore it
During the last 6 months,I've thoroughly watched numerous videos about how to treat an avoidant-when & if he/she reaches back. I must admit that your positioning is the most understandable & logical of all. Congratulations!!!
If they discard you once, they will discard you again and again and again. If you have self respect, you will not let them back under any circumstances. Love yourself more Respect yourself more
My ex came back after a week and started the conversation saying I ruined a beautiful thing we had . Beautiful as long as he yelled at me , called me names , made personal attacks and bullied me till he had me in a corner . I was so confused about how to proceed, but this video gives me direction and clarity . Thanks 😊
Just found you, I love your videos! Now I understand my guy's situation. He's a very intelligent man and I think he would be open to trying to work on himself if he realized what was behind his problems. How do I tell him that I feel he's an avoidant without pushing him away? My gut feeling is he's going to feel like I unfairly labeled him, and criticized...and will pull away if I don't handle things properly.
Wow i watched the stand on business video before bed and woke up to an unexpected text from an ex i stopped talking to for over 3 months now. Right on time instructions ❤ 3:43 thank you again. 😊
Well said. My avoidant has returned after four months, but hasn't really said much. It seems it's up to me to get the ball rolling, which I don't mind, but I will keep in mind that though I may love him unconditionally, our relationship in the future will have conditions. I know of a few boundaries I will have to place between us. Thank you for this video, it makes a lot of sense. ❤
i hope you do a spanish course on avoidant attachment and on the their lack emotional intelligence , thats would be great in spanish .it would help alot , your spot on on this
There is so much thinly veiled rage in these videos, in the tone of voice and the words like "discarded". Yes, avoidants are not easy to deal with, but neither are preoccupied people. There is no focus at all on the insecure dynamic between two unhealed people, and how working on security is a mutual condition. Just pathologizing one set of people, with quite a lot of resentment.
My ex-DA let one of my cats escape out of spite. He lied to me about it (and still does), refused to do anything to help me find her, and she never came home. Then he plotted to move out without telling me months before our lease was up, owing me thousands of dollars. Two years later he contacted me to take the two kittens he had adopted-- that I raised-- so he could move to another state to be with his NEW girlfriend. I lost my baby because I let a DA into my life. I almost lost my apartment because I let a DA into my life. I had to intervene and help find homes to two innocent, traumatized and neglected animals he refused to let me keep when he left, only to discard them once they were no longer convenient-- because I let a DA into my life. Has he ever had a shred of remorse? No. So I will never let a DA anywhere near my life ever again. Nothing can redeem losing an innocent living being to wild coyotes because of some DA's petty vindictiveness. NOTHING. It is unforgiveable and he doesn't even care. The juice with DAs is never worth the squeeze, and the risk of giving them a chance could cost you everything.
My avoidant took 14 weeks to send a text. I loved her but I wish she had left me alone. Make yourself new and look to your future. Next time, choose very carefully because anxious usually subconsciously seeks and finds an avoidant.
My girlfriend of 8 years broke up with me last July. No contact sense not one word. She's currently engaged to her abusive ex-husband. But recently she's been stalking my social media. Her mother follows me on Instagram and watches all my stories that I post.
What does it mean if my DA ex liked a story I posted (It was a picture of myself) during NO CONTACT? Will he try to reach out in your opinion? We've been in NC for more than 3 weeks.
Im gonna have them not only only apologize to me, but to my parents, and my friend. And have their parents call me for being racist mofo. Admittedly i did do the i understand move - which makes them believe they can walk all over me and come back whenever they want. Ugh. Lesson learned.
My ex came back last month. ..on i put him conditions of commitment of marriage. ...but this man was manipulating me.....and suddenly changed as i asked for commitment.... Its better to leave such people and never talk to them
This guy told me the situation changed and he doesn’t want an US. I have told him 2 different times to give me space. And he keeps sending me reels. I have responded a couple times. And another I have just opened it and didn’t respond. What is right thing to do.
