When You Start Losing All Your Friends 

00:00 my story 01:35 you're happy for them but... 02:35 we did have one thing in common 03:45 kind of hard 05:11 this is helpful 06:05 chucky cheese's anyone? 07:10 reality check

Thank you for talking about this. At 32, all my closest girlfriends are obsessed with conception, pregnancy, and their babies. That’s all they talk about because that’s their world, like you said. It’s very isolating.

I think most people are peer pressured into having kids to fit into the norm. Most of them are miserable behind closed doors. Let’s normalize and spread the awareness that it’s ok to not have kids and it’s much more fun!!!!

I hate when parents can't talk about anything else other than their child. Sometimes I'm just not interested enough even if they are my friends

I know this all too well! My highschool friends all had children at 19 or 20 years old and eventually got told by one of them "I have nothing to talk about with you since you don't have children"

Thank you for this video. When I moved back to my hometown at 30, I was so naive to think my best friends would hang out with me. But they didn’t because of their kids. It took me 3 years to get over that pain. But I’m in a better place mentally and I learned to find what makes me happy independently. And when I least expected it, I met new friends.

Great video Hannah. I’m 29 and starting to see my friends go through this. Part of me feels sad, and almost like I should WANT a kid just to fit in with everyone else. But then I think about it for more than a second and realize I still don’t want one, but it’s tough to not want to fit in with everyone else!

I've lost most of my friends once everybody (but me) got their first breakthrough in their careers or even their first real love relationships. You don't need pregnancies to lose your friends

Same with my friends, I'm 33 and most of my friends have kids, I am actively looking for childfree couples that wanna hang out, we found some, my husband's friends don't have kids....yet! Hah

The MOM life is boring. All they talk about is mom stuff and they don't know who they are anymore

I broke off my friendship with my last remaining friend while she was pregnant. I know that sounds bad. To be fair, it was a long time coming and I had been working up the nerve for years to tell her I was losing interest in the relationship. Our lives were very different from the two kids spazzing over pokemon cards and she started to become a source of unwanted frustration for me. I was tired of being the friend she begged for advice from and the one picking up the pieces when she ignored it and needed a shoulder to cry on, as long as she didn't have anything better to do. I even had to do it again years later when she started acting like she was entitled to my friendship and had to be mean to get the point across.

I think one of the worst things about having kids would be being forced to spend time with people you otherwise wouldn’t choose to be around/don’t like just because their kids play with yours…meanwhile your actual friends feel distant from you. Another thing that always turned me off to having kids is the unwanted showering of attention(people ‘checking in’ on your health who didn’t do so before the pregnancy) and intrusive questions from relatives and strangers 😬

Thank you for validating my experience hannah. My buddy who was sterile recently in the last year had 2 kids with his wife. Before that we saw each other often and played video games regularly together. When he had kids all of this stopped. Now when We get together the convo is always about kids. Every other friend around me has kids as well. Ive learned that if im not in the mood to share or get interupted mid convo by thier kids i wont hang out with them. Just realize where your limits are. Finding childfree friends is vital as well. I love maintaining and enjoying my adult lifestyle so finding people with similar mindsets helps alot. The transition is tough but just remember: your not the one with kids. Super thankful for that.

Been happily married for 20 years without kids and we lost 99% percent of our friends because of it. They literally look at us with disgust to this day. It is what it is…

Please never discontinue your RU-vid channel. It’s a much needed support system for like minded people who can find some solace here. Thanks for doing this.

I am in my 30s and I'm starting to lose my friends through kids. I always knew I never wanted kids since I was a child myself lol. I also told my partner I'm not interesting in having kids either, so we're definitely are going down that childfree route. It is just that finding childfree friends might not be too difficult as social media and Internet is the forefront of our daily lives. But I do hope I meet more people to be friends with

It is easier when you get older. I am middle aged and most people have decided to have kids or not so it is a bit easier to weed them out. I have a few childfree friends but the friends that have kids I tend to not invite anymore. We have different values and interests. I don't relate to them at all, it is a bit like they are in a cult of kids and they have gone jelly brain and just live through their kids .

One of the hardest things about being child free is you do lose some of your friends, whether your friends get married or have kids they stop communicating with you or you stop communicating with them. They're so busy and absent minded their whole life is occupied with a child and at this point you are not really a priority for them. But you can find people whether it be individuals or couples that are child free. You can make friends with anyone child free. You already have something in common, use that for conversation starter. Child free couples or individuals are actually pretty cool laid back people. When you don't have the stress of a child or having to take care of a kid your mind is more open and willing to explore more ways to have fun and enjoy life.

Thanks so much for this one Hannah! This is DEFINITELY the most painful issue for me. I think this is extra hard, bc as a child free person, I think my friends are actually more important to me than the average person, bc they ARE my community and family as I'm not relying on kids to be that additional loving connection beyond husband and existing family. And I'm right in the thick of the transition. I knew a handful of folks with kids before (my sister, an old college roommate) but I'd say 70% of my friends have had babies in the last 2 years! I'm not particularly fond of nor particular good with the very young ages. So every time a good friend gets pregnant I feel a kind of sorrow and dread. This is compounded then, as I feel crappy about that selfish emotion when I know I should be happy for them. Thanks for sharing that some of your parent friends have stuck around and re-emerge to engage in not kid focused things and conversations AND that it is a two way street. Just because I'm childfree I don't feel like I should do all the legwork to stay friends. I'm willing to compromise by going their way a bit more often and sometimes hanging out with their kids, but there needs to be effort on their part too!

Finding new friends as a childfree adult was really tough when my husband was in the military (U.S.). We moved every 3-4 years, which meant constantly resetting our in-person social circles. Most military families a) are young and b) have young children. And among military wives, being a mom and a military wife *consumes* and *becomes* their identity, so I had zero in common with the vast majority of the spouses in our communities. When we were stationed overseas and didn't speak the local language very well, this meant being incredibly isolated much of the time, since we had nothing in common with the parents OR with the single service members who wanted to drink and party. I was so happy when I met a fellow military wife who had small kids but *wanted* a childfree friend. She loved the fact that we could get together and talk about things besides her kids and our husbands' careers. That definitely helped us both stay sane when we were overseas and had limited options for socializing!

Hmm, this makes me think about my best friend whom I haven't talked to in such a loooong while... She had a baby and now we talk only once or twice per year as opposed to in the past when we talked much often. Conversations also feel different. I kind of stopped pinging her because I feel I am bothering her. And I am still working around the idea of not having a best friend like her... This video made me realize I miss her 🥺.

I have a friend that has twins. He isn’t reliable anymore and I rarely hang out with him. It is what it is. As long as he is happy I am happy for him.

GOOD MORNING, thanks for sharing. Its OK to lose friends. Life goes on..................................................................... from the treehouse in the woods in the Ozarks, USA, childfee this coming weekend

I've never really had a whole lot of friends to begin with, so I guess that's not a huge concern to me. But, maybe, being childfree can exacerbate the issue of not fitting in? Who knows? But, at the end of the day, any friendship that's meant to be will withstand the test of time, I feel. I always ask myself when I feel this way, "Is that a reason to get married and have kids?" and the answer is clearly no. We should all continue to stay true to ourselves and we'll automatically attract the people meant for us. I always love your videos and get really excited when I come across more and more childfree channels.

We are your friends

The hardest thing for me is when mums assume you can't connect with them on any level. Like child-free people have never experienced tiredness ever, frustration with another person, being proud of a loved one etc. Of course everything is heightened when you become a parent but people without kids can still try to imagine and empathise - and most do extend that generosity of seeing how tough parenthood is. I know I do. If I'm totally honest, I do think that parents, especially mums, who deliberately make childfree women feel 'less than' are insecure or resentful on some level. People who are secure in their decisions let others live and let live.

I’m 43, and a couple years ago, my two best friends got pregnant one after the other. I felt very isolated, even though they never pushed me aside and tried to keep me in when they made “friends time”, they still do, I also check on them from time to time and their children are adorable. However, for obvious reasons they became closer and only talk about babies, they are on a different wavelength. I also felt like there was something wrong with me, like my life was somehow stuck or “not happening”. I never felt like a wanted to have kids, but this experience made me face what I really wanted. I think we tend to rely a lot on our partners or friends as “family”, that’s why this experience of friends getting pregnant made me feel disconnected and left behind. I have been doing a lot of self-work to embrace my decision and to be fulfilled with myself😊

My friends gone since they had kids. No time for nothing. Parent's very tired and stressful time with kids and life. I only be called when they need help to babysit 😂😂but otherwise always busy. Even you planning go oway for day/or two it's always something happen with kids or other stuff🤣. I look after myself and I go wherewher I want to GO 👍😍. Life is too short to wait ❤

So great to have this content on youtube! Such a nuanced and honest take on this subject

Yes! I like kids but I’m a night owl, so i like to see my friends in the evening, and with kids thats kind of hard. I need more childfree friends in my city! Or i need their kids to become teenagers. 😆

Thanks for regular uploads! I always drop everything else when i see a new upload from you, and as always this was a nice topic!

Hannah you did physics at uni thats hard core!

It’s like you took the thoughts out of my mind!! Totally agree, friendships change so much - more limited activities, less frequent hangouts, distracted conversations, or tons of talk about their kids vs intellectual life stuff. I love when I meet Childfree people, I’m like, “let’s be friends and have fun!!”. Thanks for all your videos!!

Thanks for your help, support and advice Hannah

Excellent video! Totally understand and agree

Having kids drives away your child free friends

One former friend from high school told me that single, childfree people (like myself) don't understand what it's like to be busy. I decided that their "friendship" was not worth it and moved on. Hearing those types of comments just isn't worth it. What kind of comments have you received?

All your videos are excellent but this is extra excellent, thanks!

I have a friend who has 2 kids and I help her out with buying diapers. I’m also the only one who asks her how SHE is doing- not how her kids or partner are doing.

I think if you are important to someone they make time for you even if they have kids.

You should do a reaction video of a Facebook page parents regret having kids

I come back to these videos when I'm feeling down about my decision.

My experience as a new mom of a 5 months old child was sadly related to being sort of ghosted from my friends who don't have kids. I was meeting this friend from another country virtually, once every few months or so. As I live in a foreign country, a lot of my friends are living abroad. I've told her I have a baby and she did say congrats, but then started writing to me how she is not into children and how she didn't do anything notable to mention in the last months. It was as if me having a baby made her uncomfortable and it's all about her - basically I went through a very particular time with the pregnancy and giving birth, which I didn't even mention to her, and she made from the info that I had a baby something about how she feels about that. And then ghosted me, we didn't speak since then, even if I wanted to continue the relationship. It was such a bad surprise to see people without children starting to act weird and even if you are trying your best to avoid talking about parenthood, it's just still making them avoid you. It's like they inflict on you this new identity of you being a mom, which is something so serious in their mind and it should define everything you are. For me, parenthood has been way easier than what people around told me it will be and I don't feel eased as a personality or that I am missing out on what I was doing before. However, it's like people keep insisting that it should be like that and some are treating me that way. The example with my friend was just one case, it happened also with other people from my life who don't have children. From the ones who have children, I can't say we became closer... It's also related to them having children before me and kind of disappearing from my life. One told me once that she can't see me in a video call for 1h or so, because it's hard with her baby. I believed her at that point, but then months passed by and we didn't speak. Then I had a baby myself and I would love to just have a video call or go out (even with my baby but also without, if the person does not want) or have someone over my place... It turns out I have the time, just not the people, because the stereotype is that I *shouldn't* be having time. I am happy to have a great husband, so I can say he had taken the role of 'friends' and I'm not feeling lonely , but however it's still sad that I lost so many connections along this journey of becoming a mom.

Thank you so much I needed this as I’m going through this phase of life with being child free and my close friends getting pregnant.

watched a couple of your videos and they're so refreshing. It does get easier with time. I actually found myself going through some depression every time I heard someone was pregnant. I'm 40 now and all through my early 30's it was rough. Now I'm confident in myself but definitely struggle to find like minded friends. It's a tad lonely.

I wish people talked about this more. Thankfully haven't gone through this yet since most of my friends are waiting until they can afford to have kids, but my CF best friends do spend a lot of time with their young siblings, nieces, and nephews since they have the time to do that. Sometimes I will hang out with them when there's kids around, but I definitely prefer time with just them and no kids. I like being able to have real grown up conversations where I don't have to censor myself. I'm glad my friends understand this and have times where it's just us.

I can say the same thing about marriage..something I never wanted to be a wife. I feel like a slave, be taken for granted, get cheated on, and get bored

Funny, the ad I just got on your video was for some toy company using the slogan “where there are kids, there is life” 😂😂😂

I'm 58 and been through this so many times. I just have no interest in hearing about someone's child. I thought as I got older things would change when their kids got older. But then it's grandkids. My child free friends are all out of town. Last year I became friends with a new employee who was my age. We became fast friends. There are certain things hubby is just no go on...lavender picking, cookie classes (he's glad to help me eat said cookies), goat yoga. She was interested in this..yay!! But every single time we made plans she had to cancel because of her grandkids (she was raising them). Her and her husband even were going to join us at our zoos wine party. An hour before the even they bailed because it was an adults only event. We're still friends but I stopped asking her to events.

Wellllll, you can be patient; but once the 2 to 3 year mark (of a dwindling friendship) hits people just move on from the friendship. That's what I did. I decided to prioritize myself. It helped me not to feel resentful. And a tiny bit more grateful for the past good times. 🖐🏽

Lonely O's 😂😂 I thought the same thing years ago about waiting until at least my late 20's instead of right at the beginning of my 20's.

I tried 2 talk every1 out of it but nobody ever listens 2 me 🙄 Oh well, I didn't listen 2 them either when they said I'd want kids someday 😝 I feel like I'm 1 of the few people who loves getting older 😀 I can't wait until I'm @ an age when people stop asking 😁

It happened to me too! Exactly the same..... I am childfree and happy! My friend ,😢😢well , sadly missing her younger childless years

Thank u for this video ♥️✨

I definitely lost some friends after they became mothers, but my core group of girlfriends stayed the course over the years. Now that we're in our mid-forties they have more time for friend stuff and are less involved with their (now teen and young adult) kids on a day to day basis. It is pretty cool!

My friend group is very lucky to have each other for many reasons. We're also lucky that none of us want to have children and will still have each other to understand and relate to. We aren't going to be split apart by different lifestyles. That's not to say that people who have children ruin friendships - not at all - it's only natural that you fall in and out of friendships throughout your life as your interests and activities change and it would be very selfish to expect someone to revolve their lives around your friendship. Instead of mourning the loss of a great friendship, we should just be happy that it happened and know that maybe your paths will cross again in the future and you can talk about all of the wonderful things you did with your lives.

I just don't understand why this happens. It would be one thing if my best friend from the past just didn't have time to hang out with anyone because of being too busy with the offsprings. But my best friend growing up traded me in to start hanging out with other d a d s. I thought this was a something personal until I started traveling. When I started traveling, I met many CF people and they all had similar experiences. My old bestie even check in from time to time to ask "any little ones yet?" As if they're waiting for me to become a d a d so we can finally hangout again. And when my old friend does call me, it's always AWAY from the FAMILY. Which makes me wonder, does my friend even have permission to befriend CF bachelors? This is why I believe parenthood is a *C U L T*

This hits home

Glad this was up next on the video where you said to watch it next

you are my spirit animal 😂❤

I relate to everything that you said Most activities are family activities i think thats the reason that i dont have friends Because all ppl want to bring thier children and am not okay with that There is a few places we can go me and my hubby as a childfree couple i am fine with the lone wolf life with my books and my storytel and netflix and also my pets I am living my best life

I meet with friends once in several months anyway so doesn't matter whether they have any kids

ya I got married before my friend but I didn't have any kiddos she got married 3 or 4 years ago and has 2 kiddos we still talk when i see her but her life now is more with mom groups ect.

Im lucky that in my friend circle, only 3 couples have kids. The rest are single or are married/committed without kids. All in their 30s and 40s. The ones with kids have fallen into the "yeah I would, but the kids..." trap...which I get. But I do know that we include them in plans less and less because we can only be cancelled on so many times.

Sometimes people can "reconnect" years later, after the children have grown up. I have a friend who was a roommate--40 years ago. He moved away (well, I did also, but later), and the next time I saw him was at his wedding almost a couple decades later. We kept in touch by email from time to time, but I haven't seen him since his wedding. He just had his 21st anniversary, and I'm planning to drive and visit him and his family in a few weeks. Of course I've never met his two sons, and don't know if either or both might be there, but I'll enjoy meeting them if they are.) I'm still single, so his life is two steps away from mine. I've lived in four other states since my home town, so I'm not really in touch with anyone (other than relatives and a few of their neighbors) I knew before grad school.

Who wants kids anyway?

Well, I'm almost 40, only one of my friends has kids. Only one of my relatives from my generation has kids.

In my experience I’ve noticed that when the women in my life have kids that seems to become their whole identity, which isn’t a bad thing! If that makes them happy that’s great! But for me it can feel sad because it’s like there’s no other conversations except for ones around raising kids and those conversations are obviously short lived since I have nothing to add to that🤷🏻‍♀️

Two of my best friends are still Childless although I know theyre both open to changing that in the distant future, however, the guy i was hoping to have the best times portying and going through life with got married at like 21 and had his kid at like 25 so we litereally had a year of good times before we never did anything again. That was a bummer despite all the great times I had post this friend.

😢😢it’s tough going through it noww..in mid 20s

I would love to be friends with you hannah you are an amazing person i really look up to you love you hannah i always count you as a friend i have never met

Many of my friends from my schooling years have kids but honestly I was already drifting apart from them naturally before then. I think in general it's just harder to maintain friendships during adulthood.

I would definitely like a childfree craft group. That way I could have an interest that is relatively cheap (I can't afford many holidays). I would prefer to deal with one CF person rather than 'the other half' as he may not have any interest in crafts.

It's been my experience growing up with the few friends I managed not to scare off(I have mental illness) that the moment they get a partner, get married or have kids, you are dumped out on the street of their circle of people and most often, never see these people again. And then get told: It's your own fault, you should have got married and had your own kids by now, then you wouldn't be constantly being left behind. This weird idea that once you are past your late teens, you shouldnt have friends anymore, you should(if not already) have a partner, be considering marriage and becoming a grown up, disturbs me. That lost, disconnected, feeling left sensation I was told, is because you are still acting like a teenager thinking that just going out and having fun is what life is all about. From my outside perspective, it sounded like they were saying once you hit your 20's, you're not supposed to be happy or have fun anymore because its selfish, you need to get hitched, and breed like a normal person. Thing is no one wants people with BPD to breed, we are monsters and we abuse everyone(the stigma is harsh) so when they come across one that says: I didnt have kids because I have this, they praise you for having such restraint and understanding that your place in the world, is nowhere near anyone else. They praise you for isolating yourself, never once thinking, wow, that sounds really empty and dark. Adults dont have friends, they have co workers, they have spouse's friends, they have kids and they dont have time for anything anymore or they have a career and thats all they think about. Is it any wonder so many burn out before they hit 40, have smoking, drug related or booze problems then and die young? I don't know how long I'm gonna live. The prognosis of the life expentancy for someone with my disorder is between 57 and 65 years max(I turn 51 this year) but I get the feeling that is because eventually the isolation and discrimination finally wear down even the strongest of minds if they don't have a friendship group to keep that at bay and for all of you saying I should try therapy? I did, for decades and nothing worked, nothing changed, nothing got any better. All I ever wanted as a small child was to have friends, be somewhere safe, have fun and belong but apparently if you are mentally ill, that's reaching too far and expecting too much.

I have got to 39 without knowing anyone who's had kids, apart from my sister. I see ppl in the neighbourhood who are growing their families but I don't actually know them.

This makes me really afraid about my future

Yea, one of my friends became a parent and now all I get is a single response from her on whatsapp once in 4-5 months. I tried to arrange simple phone call with her several times before and it failed every time. I told her many times that I am free on those days in those hours so if you wanna, you can ALWAYS call me then. Nothing cuz she's always exhausted and when she finally has some time for herself, it's too precious to her. Man, it's a disaster but I understand. It's just sad...

When I had my first kid at the age of 20, all my childless friends dumped me. I couldnt go partying anymore so I guess they found me boring. 😜

Yeah well, that's life. If your friends having been married and having children then yeah the dynamic changes into priorities for the child over their friends. So the best thing you can do is to leave them be, and move on.. Its okay.

Are you married did your husband want kids? Kids are great I think as long as they belong to someone else.

My sister disappeared when having kids let alone friends….a friend already disappeared when she got married now that she has a kid she is completely out of the picture. I don’t even message anymore because when she is not able to respond to a message for half a year it’s pointless to keep messaging.

My good friend recently became pregnant and now never talks to me. She takes a week to respond to my text. I guess our friendship is over. CF people are often forgotten about.

Come back to this video when you are 80 in an old age home with no one to check on you. You see grandchildren coming to see their grandparents and you are alone watching this video.

It is very difficult, you have less in common than before and different values. They will totally unreliable, often cancelling because of the kids. They have less money for hobbies and will be less spontaneous. They will start getting pets to please the children and then become a parent zombie and having a tedious boring conveyor belt consumerist lifestyle, it is very predictable. You having a normal bike and their bike is one of those bike that carry kids. Friends change through out life.

I have a pic of 2 friends each with their second born on their lap and me in the middle coz I got no kids.

❤❤❤❤

Honestly, as a gay person, most of my friends are some flavor of queer as well, and a lot of them are childfree or not that enthusiastic about having kids. I definitely consider myself lucky, as a childfree person.

I am glad I escaped all the cattiness at the school gates. The competition between some of these moderm mothers can be very fierce. And personally, I am happy I never had to put up with their bitching and backbiting.

Fine by me

Having children is primal and instinctive. it's built into our dna. The Strongest instinct, a human being has is survival. I wish people would stop saying that having children is something society pushes on people. It's something dna pushes on people. Why is this a debate?

I Have No Friends I Never Really Had Any Has A Child An Adult, Plus I Can't Have Children My Doctor Said I Have Autism & Asperger Syndrome

How about when you’re talking to someone and they say, “so, do you have kids?” And you say no and…the conversation just awkwardly dies off 😂 I’ve learned to secretly enjoy those moments

Then why not hanging out with younger people?

You start losing all of your friends at the age of 30. I am 42 and my friends are all single guys between 40-43. We talk about sports. I drone on about the work I am doing on our house or just about good beers that are out.

I wonder if it's the same for men 🤔

Apparently you want to go to the other side

You are so beautiful 🎉🎉🎉🎉

Your friendship would have changed a lot if you had a kid too.

I don’t like a conversation centered around kids. I feel most RU-vid channels have jumped the shark once they have kids. The whole channel becomes focused on the kid.

Children are also plague bearers. Seems like my friends that have kids are always getting sick.