Why Harrison Butker’s Speech is Stupid: A Queer Feminist Perspective on Marriage & the Mental Load

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A couple of weeks ago, Chiefs kicker Harrison Butker delivered a commencement speech that rocked the internet-in the worst way. His sexist remarks about women and our “true calling” to be wives and mothers lit the hellfires underneath me to get this video out about marriage, motherhood and the mental load that I’ve been picking away at for months now.
For decades now, marriage has been marketed as a woman’s highest calling, but does it actually make women happier? Who REALLY benefits from heterosexual marriage (*cough* straight men *cough*)?
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Sources:
Blank, Avery. “Married Men’s Careers Benefit More than Married Women: How to Change That.” Forbes, www.forbes.com/sites/averyblank/2019/05/14/mens-careers-benefit-more-than-women-from-marriage-how-to-change-that/?sh=4850970e6c23. Accessed 28 May 2024.
Brooks, David. “The Nuclear Family Was a Mistake.” The Atlantic, The Atlantic, Mar. 2020, www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2020/03/the-nuclear-family-was-a-mistake/605536/.
“Childfree, Single Women Are among the Happiest: Therapists, Psychiatrists and Childfree Millennials Explain Why.” Thought Catalog, 3 June 2023, thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2023/06/childfree-single-women-are-among-the-happiest-therapists-psychiatrists-and-childfree-millennials-explain-why/.
“Cindy L’Hirondelle, “Housework under Capitalism: The Unpaid Labor of Mothers.”” Caring Labor: An Archive, 29 July 2010, caringlabor.wordpress.com/2010/07/29/cindy-lhirondelle-housework-under-capitalism-the-unpaid-labor-of-mothers/.
Concordia University. “The Evolution of American Family Structure.” CSP Online, 10 July 2020, online.csp.edu/resources/article/the-evolution-of-american-family-structure/.
Harvard Health Publishing. “Marriage and Men’s Health - Harvard Health.” Harvard Health, Harvard Health, 5 June 2019, www.health.harvard.edu/mens-health/marriage-and-mens-health.
“Is There a Widening Rift between Men and Women? | Psychology Today Canada.” Www.psychologytoday.com, www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/the-philosophers-diaries/202403/is-there-a-widening-rift-between-men-and-women. Accessed 28 May 2024.
Khan Academy. “The Growth of Suburbia.” Khan Academy, 2008, www.khanacademy.org/humanities/us-history/postwarera/postwar-era/a/the-growth-of-suburbia.
Lockman, Darcy. All the Rage : Mothers, Fathers, and the Myth of Equal Partnership. Harper Perennial, 2020.
Manne, Kate. Entitled: How Male Privilege Hurts Women. New York, Crown, 2020.
“Men Sometimes Avoid Marriage, but It Benefits Them More than Women | Psychology Today Canada.” Www.psychologytoday.com, www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/fear-intimacy/202210/men-sometimes-avoid-marriage-it-benefits-them-more-women. Accessed 28 May 2024.
PEO. “Time to Care: Recognising the Truth behind the Economy of Unpaid Care.” Pay Equity Office, 11 Sept. 2022, payequity.gov.on.ca/time-to-care-recognising-the-truth-behind-the-economy-of-unpaid-care/.
Villines, Zawn. “The Real Reasons Women Lose Interest in Sex with Men.” Liberating Motherhood, 9 Mar. 2023, zawn.substack.com/p/the-real-reasons-women-lose-interest. Accessed 28 May 2024.
Ward, Jane. The Tragedy of Heterosexuality. New York New York University Press, 2020.
“Why Are the Politics of Young Men and Women Drifting Apart?” The Economist, www.economist.com/podcasts/2024/04/17/why-are-the-politics-of-young-men-and-women-drifting-apart. Accessed 28 May 2024.
“Why Young Men and Women Are Drifting Apart.” Edward Conard, www.edwardconard.com/macro-roundup/according-to-an-theeconomist-analysis-in-2002-there-was-little-difference-in-political-attitudes-of-18-29-year-olds-in-rich-countries-but-by-2020-females-were-0-75-more-liberal-than-males-on-a-scal/?view=detail. Accessed 28 May 2024.
“Young Men and Women Are Drifting Apart | Hacker News.” News.ycombinator.com, news.ycombinator.com/item?id=39702959. Accessed 28 May 2024.
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/ meghansandor
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27 май 2024

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Комментарии : 66

@tejida815 2 месяца назад

I’m shocked to hear Butker’s speech in the 21st century. Thank you for this excellent response.

@meghansandor 2 месяца назад

I was too! I didn't even know who he was until I saw the speech. I'm not a sports fan at all, but I'm sad that I only know of him because of this.

@Temarama7 2 месяца назад

All Fake Families Wake Up People Gendered families

@TheYazmanian 2 месяца назад

I love your intro. Daddy algorithm knows me well ;) I must live under a rock because I've yet to hear this speech. I'm already internally "yikes-ing". Him choking up over having a housewife is just... I'm speechless. Standing ovation from men? Now I'm just hopeless lol.

@meghansandor 2 месяца назад

RIGHT, that part just SENT me

@negie78000 2 месяца назад

If the whole point of a movement is acceptance and live and let live, what's the issue with a catholic man addressing a catholic crowd with catholic beliefs? The way I understand it, all things are social constructs as agreement of a collective social contract, and from time to time new ideologies are constructed to come along and take the place of another. Look back at ancient Rome. They had all manner of indentured servants (much worse than that in reality) who had to "perform" for their masters whether they were women, children, or men. Christianity was a construct at the time to come along and stop all that and give these poor individuals who were seen as lesser a safe place and a sense of purpose. It's all a cycle repeating just different ideas.

@plhumphr 2 месяца назад

Hi Meghan! I’m really glad you covered all of these topics, not only did I learn a lot, your points hit close to home and made me feel seen. I hope you do a part 2 and beyond! Trish 🙂

@meghansandor 2 месяца назад

Hi Trish!! I’m glad you felt seen☺️ definitely will do part 2, I have all the stats and data, just totally forgot to include them🤦🏼‍♀️

@AetheriusComics 2 месяца назад

I think this comes down to what kind of women a woman naturally is, instead of who is politically right or wrong, and instead of who says they have the right science on this. I've met women who love his speech and agree with it, and women who hate his speech and disagree with it. I say, let women do what they naturally like.

@meghansandor 2 месяца назад

I completely agree, and would add to that: let women be fully and completely informed about ALL of their relational/career/sexual/romantic/gender/self-expression options so that whatever choice they're making is a fully conscious, fully aware one that's truly aligned with who they are and what they want :)

@AetheriusComics 2 месяца назад

@@meghansandor Absolutely. bisexual women for instance who have been with both men and women, yet choose women over men, or choose men over women, fully informed about what's out there. Hetero women and lesbians as well, who don't need to experience being with both sexes, but know who and what they want, and why. Hetero women who know they want men, and lesbians who know they want women. And, women who know that the traditional life is not for them, and women who know that it is exactly what they want.

@Daveinbangormaine 2 месяца назад

Good evening Meghan. I am looking forward to this.

@Sunjib12345 2 месяца назад

Excellent Video

@meghansandor 2 месяца назад

Thank you!

@Daveinbangormaine 2 месяца назад

Meghan you have clearly done much research on this. You articulate it very well. As always I have learned a lot from you. Please keep moving forward with your videos and your journey.

@meghansandor 2 месяца назад

Thank you Dave! I'm glad you got something useful/valuable out of it :)

@Daveinbangormaine 2 месяца назад

@@meghansandor oh I sure did.

@amianji1832 6 дней назад

i just found your channel and im soooo glad. You are great in what you do and these videos are so informative. keep it up

@meghansandor 6 дней назад

Thank you! Welcome to the channel, I'm so glad you're here! :)

@iguana9173 2 месяца назад

Harrison Butker plays for the Kansas City Chiefs of the NFL.

@harjotjassal9180 2 месяца назад

you look beautiful Meghan

@meghansandor 2 месяца назад

Thank you Harjot! :)

@charlierp Месяц назад

Butker's speech was great. Truth wins every time.

@user-tc6cj7sh9t 2 месяца назад

Somehow in the midlife crisis a lot of guys forget loyalty. Feminism got launched by the reality that guys cant be depended on.

@meghansandor Месяц назад

And also the fact that our entire society and culture and political system was built to privilege and benefit men.

@sleidkssk 2 месяца назад

Yet another lovely video! So well articulated and spitting facts backed up with proper references 🔥 And fr, being queer really does alter one's perspective (and honestly I'm SO GLAD it did or I would not have known how fresh the air would be outside the amatonormative bubble) I would also love to see a deep dive into 'choice feminism' someday

@meghansandor 2 месяца назад

Right?? The comments are so funny. I think people know on some level that it’s true, otherwise they wouldn’t get so upset. I also love “how fresh the air would be outside the amatonormative bubble.” BRILLIANT.

@user-tc6cj7sh9t 2 месяца назад

Wow, MY wife wouldn't say anything remotely like that! Her life hit a SPEED BUMP when she met me. I remind her of that but she doesn't want to hear it again. But I found her calm, loving her circle of friends (most of whom are still with her). Then I had to show up. With values so different and pretty devoid of friends. It hasn't been a great soar into the heavens. So that guy (and his wife if agreeing with him) is caught in a time warp.

@karrishannon 2 месяца назад

Both men AND women benefit from marriage and having children. It gives so many of us purpose and meaning in life (which MANY people are lacking). This isn't to say everyone should pursue this path in life, but in essence, I completely agree with Butker. I do not think he is sexist; he is just religious and conservative.

@lexidarling 2 месяца назад

The point is that these lifestyles are divided and prescribed based solely on gender. Of course there is nothing wrong with getting married and having kids, but when the male person in that marriage is encouraged to have career options and financial independence and the woman is encouraged to not have those, I don't see how that doesn't come off as sexist. The arrangement prescribed by their religion places women in disproportionately more vulnerable positions than men. It's not just about him being sexist, I think his religious/conservative culture is sexist. It's restrictive for everyone, but it's disproportionately more so for women.

@karrishannon 2 месяца назад

⁠I understand your perspective. This is a genuine question; do you have children? Most humans feel the desire to procreate, but having babies is exponentially more difficult for women than men. It is entirely demanding of our bodies, our time, and our energy. Most mothers recognise they would rather be at home raising their babies than working a 9-5. This is not to say all women MUST stay home whilst the men MUST work, but reproductively speaking, it’s a logical conclusion. 9 months of pregnancy, followed by (often traumatic) births, breastfeeding, PPD, and potential future pregnancies… It is very difficult for women to work whilst reproducing, but they still need support to do so successfully. Men aren’t as biologically chained to new babies, so they are capable of going out to work and providing for them. The traditional system of marriage works best if a couple are wanting to have babies. My guess is that he and his wife are planning to, like many couples, so this system will likely work well for them. I’m a woman getting married next month and I’m extremely happy that my fiancé will support me whilst I stay home and make us little humans. I do not feel oppressed by this prospect at all; on the contrary, I feel incredibly fortunate.

@lexidarling 2 месяца назад

@@karrishannon I am very happy for you and I wish you and your family all the best. I'm not advocating against SAHMs by any means. I was raised by one and I take on the domestic role in my own marriage while working part time and being largely supported by my husband's income. Having kids is not off the table for us either, though I am not physically able to (another thing Harrison is against given his comments on surrogacy and IVF). I want to again make it perfectly clear that I take no issue with women choosing to stay home to raise kids. But I think some of the particular ideologies of this culture are quite naive when it comes to many of the realities of a relationship arrangement like this. I know from experience (my experience as a dependent partner, my parents' marriage, and my husband's parents' marriage) that there are pitfalls that must be accounted for, which are described at length in this video. My main point is more that raising people in a prescriptive life path like this (and in the case of many religions shunning them should they ever feel unfulfilled in that path and desire to deviate) can very easily lead to toxic and oppressive patriarchal values that end up making women disproportionately worse off. It comes off as having a dearth of attention given to the toll of the emotional labor that is expected of women. Maybe my perceptions as an ex-Jew married to an ex-Catholic are misinformed, but on the whole I am skeptical of prescriptive life paths that do not give me the impression of emphasizing women's health and safety in the case of things going wrong. Again, clearly this way of life is working well for you and I am happy for you. The last thing I want to do is come off as if I'm telling women how to live their lives. I just think the system of values imposed by religion has weaknesses, which are used in _some_ cases to oppressive ends.

@karrishannon 2 месяца назад

I see your points. It’s important to recognise that many people need a prescriptive life path to follow. Life is infinitely complex, so having a religious text with a relatively good outline (that also provides people with a community) is not so bad. It does depend on the religion, of course, but for the most part, Christianity is alright. I’m not religious myself, but I admire a lot of the ancient wisdom in the bible. I actually believe that marriage does emphasise women’s health and safety, for it provides a safe and secure foundation for us. A man who is committed to one woman will provide for her and the infant; a man provides a safety net, a sense of protection during an extremely vulnerable (and historically very life threatening) period. Childbirth (and rearing) is so incredibly difficult - I honestly don’t know how single parents do it. Having a stable foundation of two helps to alleviate that burden significantly. “The system of values imposed by religion has weaknesses, which are used in some cases to oppressive ends.” I agree with you. Religion is flawed because humans are flawed, and we are the ones who created religion. Everything in life can become corrupted (religions, governments, corporations, and ideologies alike), and it’s important to keep our eyes open. I hated religion for the longest time (Catholic background too) but as I’ve aged I have come to admire a lot about many Christian stories and teachings. There’s a lot of wisdom and truth imbedded in the biblical corpus. Not to say it’s without fault of course, but if you have a basket of apples and one apple is rotten, you don’t throw the entire basket out, you know? I think so many people, and women in particular, are miserable today. We are suffering from a lack of meaning and purpose in life. Corporate 9-5’s can only ever be so fulfilling. I think there are many people who benefit from religion, but I also agree that it’s important to recognise and address the faults within the belief, too.

@meghansandor 2 месяца назад

Had to jump in here, specifically to address your point about religion being prescriptive and working outside the home being unfulfilling. I completely agree, and so do most feminists, feeding into corporate capitalism is not the answer; however, relying on one man to provide for you based only on his love and monogamous devotion is shaky, and it makes women even more vulnerable than they would otherwise be. That's why a lot of feminists (myself included) advocate for universal healthcare and universal basic income, as well as some sort of retirement program for women who stay at home, so that they DON'T have to rely completely on their husbands for financial and material security. It would give women who are stay-at-home moms the freedom to actually leave if their marriages become toxic, and not have to suffer financially for doing so. Knowing that there's a safety net to catch them, women would be able to advocate for themselves within their marriages, and demand greater equity without fear of financial and material repercussions. Conservative religions provide easy answers on a surface level, but over time it requires both women AND men to set aside their authenticity and relate to one another in shallow and transactional ways, which actually erodes trust and makes true love and intimacy impossible. Traditional gender roles are performative, and they don't allow for someone's real, authentic self to come out, which blocks you from truly connecting to yourself, and others. Absolutely SOME peoples' true, authentic selves align with traditional gender roles, but not everyone's and certainly not the majority of peoples'. Safety concerns aside, conservative religions and societies don't allow for the full range of human creativity and expression, and that's really sad. If you've done the work to unlearn internalized misogyny and patriarchy and have informed yourself of ALL your options and choices when it comes to relationship structures, gender expression, sexual preferences and gender roles and then choose to stay at home and raise your kids and be in a heterosexual marriage with traditional gender roles then that's amazing!! That's a true, authentic choice and that's wonderful 🥰 The concern for most feminists is when people do this unconsciously, without examining all their options first and figuring out for themselves what's really authentic and what isn't.

@Lucifer-Riding 2 месяца назад

Wow you really hit some aholes in the comments huh? Beautifully researched video, very impressed with how dense and effective your essay style is. Congratulations on your first pride, btw!

@meghansandor 2 месяца назад

Thank you!! Enjoying it to the FULL

@Reed5016 8 дней назад

As a non-binary asexual lesbian, I deeply appreciate this video. I was raised by conservative Christian parents. Even though I’ve come out to them, my parents still expect me to be their daughter who will settle down, get married, and have children. While I technically can still do that with a woman, I know that my parents believe that it’s cruel to “deprive a child of a mother and father”, so I doubt they’d want that either. It’s deeply hurtful for people in my own family to impose patriarchal bs onto me, and to pretend my sexual and romantic orientation isn’t the asexual lesbian identity it is. I don’t know why they can’t just let me live.

@meghansandor 8 дней назад

I’m so sorry that happened to you, but also so proud that you’re living as yourself anyway, in spite of it. You deserve love and happiness and to be your full self and I’m sorry your family can’t accept that❤️

@Reed5016 8 дней назад

@@meghansandor I appreciate this comment a lot. The thing that keeps me going the most is understanding that there are people in my life who accept and understand me. Also, knowing that it’s better to live authentically than to pretend to be something I’m not. In all honesty, I mostly feel sorry for my parents. And anyone else who believes other people should live according to one standard, without considering nuance. Of course, they have a choice at some point. But a lot of conservatism is about how a person was raised, and a certain set of circumstances that led to their closed-minded beliefs. The fact that they can’t see past their own prejudice makes them ignorant, and that’s sad on its own.

@nidaabraityte5035 2 месяца назад

very well researched! loved it:) one (hopefully constructive) point of criticism: if you want to persuade the other side, next time don’t call people names regardless of how non-sensical their words were, their words speak for themselves and calling names can come across as being disregulated/triggered and in debates rationality is always perceived as more competent. Other than that, i just love your content, taking notes!

@meghansandor 2 месяца назад

Thank you for the feedback!! :) I will definitely take it, I appreciate that you took the time to explain it and leave this comment 🥰

@WolfishRook 2 месяца назад

Very well research goes crazy “he plays football or something” wow you couldn’t even do one google search and find out his background

@lexidarling 2 месяца назад

Thank you for making this excellent video. It's crazy how many people I see defending this guy because "it's just his religious culture", like great, his religious culture is misogynistic then. In that culture women get the short end of the stick across the board, and just because women in his culture choose to follow those sexist traditions doesn't mean it's not wrong to have a whole patriarchal cultural structure designed to encourage women to not have financial independence and end up in positions where they are vulnerable to being taken advantage of, in every sense of the phrase. I'm a married straight woman myself, and I agree with pretty much everything you said; patriarchal values are not a culture we should be encouraging.

@meghansandor 2 месяца назад

1000% and it’s not healthy for anyone involved. I have zero issues criticizing someone’s culture if/when that culture is exploitative and misogynistic (clearly lol)

@nidaabraityte5035 2 месяца назад

ahh yeahs people using religion to justify their maladaptive viewpoints… even if those were his religious culture it was such a wrong time to express them, he has very little social awareness or is so indoctrinated that he was willing to risk it all. anyways, he got roasted enough by people with very good arguments against

@meghansandor 2 месяца назад

@@nidaabraityte5035 what got me the most is that he addressed those comments to a room full of women who were graduating from university with hundreds of thousands of dollars of student debt to pay off. Know your audience, dude!

@WolfishRook 2 месяца назад

He was making that speech to a catholic girls school. A very large percentage of the graduates want to be mothers and wives because that’s what they believe in and grew up with.

@aroneurodiver 2 месяца назад

I do encounter a lot! of conservative women and also this man is like really out there in cracyland, so thanks for being fair and not lumping all men and women into black and white sub groups. from my aromantic perspective I have to disagree with the marriage thing just being a heterosexual thing. I had to laugh out loud at your description of marriage photos. Imo it is much more often women who push to get married much harder than men do, at least where I live, it is basically near impossible to find a heterosexual woman who does not care about marriage or children, is it internalized, likely, but I also get the feeling they view it as some form of security, I am not sure. anyways I enjoyed your talk. I also never understood as a teen why my mother wouldn't leave my father and I think it may have to do with societal pressures or being to submissive or feeling as a failure, a failed marriage would be their fault while in fact it is natural for most marriages to stop working at some point since people evolve differently.

@meghansandor 2 месяца назад

Definitely agree that women push to get married, and I definitely also think it's internalized! A lot of advice for young women from the 1950s, 60s, 70s, 80s and 90s centered around how to make themselves appealing to men and everything in our culture for the past 60 years has taught women that being "chosen" by a man means that we're valuable and have worth. So it's definitely not surprising that women are by and large the ones pushing to get married! It's a statement about our value in society just as much as it's an expression of authentic desire and love (sometimes more, especially for queer women who are still in the closet and are trying to jam themselves into social roles that just don't work for them).

@aroneurodiver 2 месяца назад

@@meghansandor Yes I fully agree, I think when you look at fairy tale kids movies and toys the idea of marrying was sold much more to girls than boys. I think late 60s, 70s onward divorce became much more accepted, yet still was devastating when it comes to status, income, responsibility etc. The woman was pretty much always the one with the kids, only a smaller amount of cases where the woman left the man with the kids. I can also imagine the older generations felt much more like a personal failure when a marriage was falling apart internally. One of the worst effects of this system is that from a statistics standpoint women at large in it have worse education and that means less income, less power, less sovereignty, but for me this means this can't really be a capitalist idea than when half of the productivity and ingenuity is wasted, so I personally do not buy the idea that is specifically capitalist, it sure is about control. I think luckily today also more older closeted queer feel more freedom to come out, but also as in my case it is the first time we find words for our experience. I enjoyed your well researched talk and also the ones about the how the idea of having kids is shoved down everybody's throat. thanks for your advocacy.

@meghansandor 2 месяца назад

@@aroneurodiver and thank you for your insightful comments! I really really appreciate that you took the time to leave them, and you definitely gave me some new things to think about! :)

@coolbro6969 2 месяца назад

How were wives unpaid? Should men give their wives a salary for being married to them ?

@meghansandor 2 месяца назад

No, a universal basic income and retirement plan for stay-at-home parents should. I covered this in my video about tradwives: ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-kObMIuBd3uM.html

@coolbro6969 2 месяца назад

Or… should employers pay the salary to wives of male workers…? And who said they’re unappreciated? You think the kids being raised don’t appreciate their moms?

@monaj33 Месяц назад

@meghansandor what about pet owners..I think they should be considered parents and given appropriate benefits too 😊..and retirement

@meghansandor Месяц назад

@@monaj33 as the owner of an elderly dog who requires lots of care and monitoring...I wholeheartedly agree ;)

@Matt-mh5us 2 месяца назад

He isn’t wrong and said nothing wrong, cope harder. Edit: misery loves company and there is nothing more miserable than a 21st century western feminist.

@meghansandor 2 месяца назад

I'd rather be a miserable feminist than the miserable wife of a man who agrees with Harrison Butker! 🥰