Do You Have Comphet? What Is Compulsory Heterosexuality and How Do You Know if You Have it? 

The thought of being pregnant always grossed me out too, for me specifically of course. I also started off thinking that being queer is okay for other women, but not for me; I'd actively deny it even when there were signs that I could be. Didn't come to terms with it until I was 19 😅

Holy Mackerel!!! I recently became aware that I'm not the only Ace in the whole world. I'm 68, and you just described so much about me and my life! And although I've never heard of it before, I TOTALLY have comphet. My mind is blown! If you don't already have your Doctorate, you sure should have.

I had no idea how much this subject really goes deep inside oneself until yesterday talking to my therapist and now listening to this! I'm currently not looking AT ALL to date men, only women, but end up easely obsessing over some men in my life that I sense are better than average lol but it makes me unhappy ¿? so it's hard to truly understand but it makes sense with comphet

Agreed 10000% about not wanting kids and child birth / the unfairness of it all

If I had been aware of my attraction to girls earlier in life, I might have had a very different relationship to my body growing up. I currently identify as attracted to men primarily but lithromantic (loses interest when love is reciprocated). I'm definitely a hopeless romantic and boy obsessed from a young age, but my girl-loving side has been shoved in the closet for way longer than it should have considering I'm queer af. Things for me to think about.

It's my first time hearing the word 'comphet' but the conversation on it seemed to be exactly what my mind was hungry for - your videos make me realise how many things I've been wanting to hear for so long and I can't count the number of times I was like "EXACTLY!!" or "YES FINALLY SOMEBODY GETS IT" which is comforting and affirmative that I'm not the only one who thinks this way. Just a suggestion - I would love to see a deep dive into what is considered "romantic attraction" 'cause it seems a lot more vague and subjective as compared to what is supposed to be sexual attraction And thank you for the lovely video as always! 💜

THANKS TO THIS VIDEO I FOUND THAT IM PROB A LESBIAN W COMPHET OML😭😭😭

Such a great and informative video. I'm in a proecess with my sexuality right now, finally coming to terms with my Ace-ness, and I really needed to hear some of these things. Thank you!

Another superbly informative video. Thank you. I'm am a man in my late 50s, and I understand what you are saying. I am still in a deep process of unlearning. In the 80s when I was a teenager we know about straight and gay and the default was straight. And if you weren't sure if you might be gay, you were straight. We knew nothing about bisexuality, pansexuality, and especially knew nothing about asexuality (and the idea of being aromantic was absolutely foreign). There was no good way to explore options. I was unfamiliar until today with the term compulsory heterosexuality, but I understand the concept because it was drilled into me directly but mostly indirectly for decades. Again, thank you very much for this video. P.S. "Orlando" is way at the top of my list of favorite books of all time.

Amazing! I needed this. I was familiar with comphet and have been through a whirlwind trying to unpick it over the last year. This video was so informative and really ties so many thread together. Thank you, well done ❤ #queerjoy

I really can't get enough of your videos I'm hyperfocusing on ways of relating rn and I listen to you as a podcast while I work

Hi Meghan your Ace stuff is so damn good, thanks❤

Screaming and kicking my feet because you mentioned Twilight (my main special interest). Highly recommend checking out the podcast "3 Books 1 Plot" where two queers (one of whom is ace) deconstruct the series book by book and make fun of all the gender and relationship stereotypes Twilight upholds while also being unintentionally SUPER GAY

Thank you for your video. Often as a male human I sit in observance in many social media circles as well as in society in general of the "provide and protect" model, Which basically straight jackets a masculine being into a role of resources and defense. Its my hope as a society we learn to embrace socially other types of love and see that love can be created in many many forms.

Good thoughtful video. Also have got to say I like your granate apple tattoo. The thing about how society promotes having children, is mostly because society depends on people having children. Social welfare is also structured around it. Without a strong base of working aged employed people paying taxes, there will not be enough to take care of our elders and retirees. This effect might be less noticeable once we get older (because there are a lot less people in our generation compared to like the current cohort of retirees). So, unlike the current cohort, our generation will put a lot less strain on the welfare system. But that is a big economic reason why society wants us to have kids: to produce tax payers and workers. A personal reason that I see why progressive people better have kids: is preserving our way of life. In families (when things go right) children learn the worldview of their parents by osmosis. When children are raised in an environment where they feel seen and heard, and safe, they are more likely to continue living in the way their parents lived. So children raised with progressive ideas will highly likely grow up to become progressive adults. When we raise children to be tolerant, open minded, pro human rights, pro LGBT, environmentally conscious, this is how they will be as adults. And thus we contribute to improvement of the future society. Compared to us, (mostly atheists), conservative people have a lot more kids. The average religious conservative family has a lot more children than the average progressive family. If we don't have kids, then we contribute to a possibly bleak future where there are more religious conservative people with outdated worldviews than progressive people. While it is true that not all children will follow and live like their parents, many of them will. And when a conservative religious family has like 5 children, this really frightens me. Because what kind of future will my children face? That is one big reason why some LGBT people choose to have children. To continue our way of life. To secure a future for our worldview. To protect the environment by raising people who are environmentally conscious. Just saying. Not everyone has to have kids. But some of us feel duty bound to bring life into the world and to care for the future survival of humans. And we believe that our worldview is good for the world. So that's why we want to preserve it.

ahhh yes comphet is a bitch 😅 thank you for including asexuality! You’re so right about constantly circling back to your queerness. It’s very complicated to understand what my relationships to people are. I’m still navigating that and what I’m comfortable with. I’ve been embracing the deep care I feel towards others. It has been liberating for me over the years 🤍

This was such a great explanation. I wish you had more videos on this topic

Thank you for this video, its really well-made. I love this discussion and learned a lot from it.

I'd been very aware of my attraction to girls at 14, I went quickly from learning about lgbt and stating I was an ally to immediately being bi, it happened so quick that I don't even remember the exact day I came to the conclusion, i just was. But even through that, I always defensed the idea that I was mostly into girls. For 5 years, i stuck to that before finally saying I was lesbian. I just... Thought I had to be with a boy, i never liked them, matter of fact I outwardly rejected two and made it clear I was only friends with my guy friends. My friends were not surprised when I finally said I'm lesbian.

I'm a bi male but I also gave experienced the "gaslighting" when I started to think I'm queer

I think k that being with a man is “creating a better life for myself” and that I’m just “playing the game.” It doesn’t seem fair to myself or the people involved. College I was breaking hearts, and I feel awful that I thought I had to be with people I perhaps wasn’t interested in. My gender identity also makes things slightly more complicated.

I know it's more of an aro thing, but I think amatonormativity fits great (if not better) in some parts of the video And for the criticism about bi/pan erasure of the lesbian masterdoc - I've heard the creator has since come to identify as bisexual. Kinda like the parents who started gender reveal parties regretting it because their child was actually nonbinary

This video is scary! It's scary bcos of how real it is! After watching a couple videos throughout the years like yours I'm actually certain that I'm probably bi if not fully lesbian. But I just simply cannot let go of the ideas around the nuclear family. I grew up with so much familial and generational trauma that I really want to break but how am I going to do that if I'm with another woman? I think I'm just going to have to be that one girl from that Chapplle Roan song 😞

I feel so seen, I was litterally trying to figure this out inside myself after my past break up and WHY I cant feel like I can go after the love and people I really want

A. Your tattoos are gorgeous 😍 B. This really got me thinking about how comphet has done a number on me (I'm polyamorous, childfree, and aromantic). C. I got halfway through and subscribed 😊

No way I watched a 55 minute video without skipping or getting distracted. A beautiful person you are with clear thoughts well organised. We need more content on a taught heterosexuality. Brilliant!

Excellent video! Thank you for making it! Most of the links are broken, though. :(

Good evening Meghan. Thank you so much for this as I have once again learned a lot from you. I watched your video right after Kens livestream. I spent a lot of time thinking about this and what I can relate to. Please keep these videos coming. You are amazing.

really great video

I identify myself as a gender queer man. (I used to say nonbinary gender queer person of trans experience or something like that) I identify somewhat with womanhood because it is part of my experience in certain ways and that also adds more “nuance” to my identity. I’ve seen myself as a boy when I was younger in my school photos growing up, I guess that’s strange looking back. I also went through a phase of loving pink and then hating pink and that isn’t that deep of course, but perhaps I saw that color as a symbol of being a girl, and I no longer wanted to be put in that box. I like to experience my femininity and it is a very beautiful part of me - I might be able to come to terms with people seeing me as a woman and create a life that is more authentic to me even in this form. Getting top surgery at least is very important to me, even if it took me awhile to go on testosterone again. I feel fricken weird trying to explain it, but I can’t carry shame with me anymore, as gender isn’t the most important thing ever (as I’ve heard someone say) It’s fricken a lot, but I let people see me as a woman because that is what I look like. A lot of people ask me for my pronouns though cause of my name and sometimes appearance. I don’t think being a woman though will ever not be a part of the bigger picture in terms of how I see myself. I don’t really consider myself bigender, but also yeah, perhaps I can fit in that term. I just don’t want to throw out that part of myself because I don’t identify with my sex assigned at birth fully. I feel like I used men, to try and make myself feel like a woman. That sucks. Definitely conflicted on that topic, and how I view my sexuality as well.

Meghan.... Seriously!?.... Please, please, please keep up the EXCELLENT Vlogs... I consider myself a student.... OH!... By the way, the expression, "Two point Five Kids'.... Two NORMAL kids and the Third Kid has the INTELLIGENCE of the First Two!.... Lol!.... Always in Good Taste... CHEERS!.... Be Supportive and Subscribe....

When my friend group was full of queer people I felt really safe and accepted myself but after I changed schools my classmates were all homophobic I started to feel like it was just a phase and I have to talk about men's abbs or other things about men but not women. Also when I tried to talk about my preferences in women they just assume that I want to BE THEM not want to be WITH them but whenever I show them a male character that I want to become (gender envy) they just assumed that I want to be HIS partner and that really pissed me off but couldn't tell the correct way cuz Im really afraid that they'll find out somehow and just say homophobic stuff (I hope people I know IRL don't find this comment.)

Thank you! Also... Is that like every Disney animated movie?? Except for Brave. The princess married herself. That was rad.💖🙏🏻💖

I'd love to hear your views on (some) drag performers as modern day shamans... and their persecution by patriarchy. Healers have presented the full spectrum of genders throughout the ages.

Beautiful video

The anxiety this video gave me kind of confirmed my suspicion that i may be suffering from comphet and not actually be bi....

I‘d be cautious about how hard we want to celebrate fewer people having kids. It‘s definitely good that people are exercising agency and are less pressured to go down this particular route, but I also don‘t think this trend can be separated from the epidemic of financial insecurity affecting our generations; for plenty of people, reproduction isn‘t an option to begin with. Alongside that, at least among some of us there is a deep-cutting sense of alienation and disillusionment that affects their choice. A sentiment that is wholly justified, but still, not exactly what I‘d call freedom. Even beyond that, pretty much all of us are still getting a choice forced on us: reproduce or focus on doing what we love or what‘s important to us. It can‘t be both of those things. Freedom would be not having to choose at all; these are both (on average) existential needs. But freedom only begins where necessity ends.

this was amazing

😂 number 15 you had a very close friendship with a girl growing up, and you have complicated feelings about it. 😂 Please! No need to call me out like this. I can't. Was just thinking about her this morning and all my complicated feelings. 🤣🤣🤣🤦🏻

You sure this concept applies to "most" women? Cuz it kinda sounds more like projection (and wishful thinking) to me.

I qas thinking about beong an Ace, single, older woman (46) and what allows or does not allow me to exist in social situations with my peers of the same age. A big one inwoild say is my tolerance and acgive enjoyment of being with children and playing their games. I think it works in multiple ways to priviledge me.

Do insects and flowers have this newly created non word? Just curious…

comphet is biphobic

This concept is kinda silly, and the supporting points are flimsy, debatable at best. Comphet is a cute idea, but so long as LGBTQIA is sub 20% of the population, I wouldn't expect things to evolve much further, much faster. These pie in the sky conversations do little to advance understanding of one another, and create more labels requested by groups that claim to hate being labeled.

Cringe /anti-woke homosexual

_Comp het_ sounds more like some fringe radfem concept.

thank you so much for relating comphet to asexuality. i had it really rough a couple years ago existing in a highly sexual environment as an asexual and i unfortunately developed trauma from forcing myself to exist in said environment out of fear of falling behind in life and losing friends. if i had a time machine the first thing i would do would be to get myself out of there to prevent myself from coping through hypersexuality