Why the LBGT+ Community, isn’t really a “community” at all 

FYI: I tried a new editing software & some clips were cut from the video in the downloading process. It kinda saddens me because it f**ked up the aesthetic to some extent. But, we move. Im proud of this piece and will continue to elevate the vibes for y'all 🤍. Thank you in advance for watching

I was very disappointed as a young person when I thought the gay community was going to be this big welcoming family. Unfortunately, I found the same racism and homophobia that existed in hetero society. I came to the conclusion that the white gay was raised in the same conservative republican leaning household as his hetero brother. And the only thing we had in common was being attracted to men.

Let's be honest. As a gay blaque man there is also plenty of division within the blaque gay community as well. There is colorism, classism, anti-phatness, and anti-femness. Human beings will always find a way to separate themselves from each other no matter how much they have in common.

I think what ppl don’t get is that you have no reason to state you date no black, no asian, no femmes etc. you can easily ignore those people and date within your preference. But the fact that ppl feel the need to state they find ALL black, ALL asian people unattractive… (There’s also an assumption here that these groups are monolithic, when there’s such a range in each group, so I honestly find it so hard to believe that you could find every black man unattractive)

Whew 😮‍💨 lemme take a knee fi dis title tho, fam

I fall into a very annoying situation everytime because I'm asian, masculine and have a deep voice and people imagine all gay asians needs to be femboys and twinks 😂. It may seem silly but it kinda gets in the way sometimes.

this hits home. i feel similar about being queer and disabled. like disabled queer folk exist

wine break: i think conversations such as these are helpful in building more understanding within the LGBTQ+ community

wine break: I don't think videos like this sow division, but closed minds do. Division is already there and you're just acknowledging it. Any further division that stems from it is the result of closed-minded people who don't want unity or see the division. When watched with an open mind, this video and others like it really encourage unity and understanding.

To be honest..... I never had a desire, reason, itch, want, or need to date outside of my race (Black and Latino). someone asked me the other day "why I don't try (Like its food on a plate) to date outside my race". My honest answer was that 1) I do not want to be a fetish, 2) I do not want to have consist conversations about race. I do not want my life to be an after school special (if you get what I am saying. and lastly I do not wan to add to, be apart, or be mistaken for one of those self hating black men... Idk but this conversation was good and got me thinking that I also maybe be a tad problematic.

as a White Gay, honestly, most of the time I just shut the fuck up and try to listen to what black people in my life have to say and both 1) try to understand their PoV and 2) support what they have to say by echoing/boosting what they're saying (while crediting them for their points) I've gotten past my savior complex phase, and at this point I think it's unproductive to really try to "do" stuff on behalf of others without first consulting what their concerns are to begin with.

as a fat white person the amount of insults I get of gay dating apps even from profiles with no photos or bio's attached to their name is astonishing. I'm glad I'm not the only one who notices the amount of phobia and segregation that goes on in the "Community". I've always struggled believing in communities because of the amount of phobia that seems to go on.

I think we’ve embraced the idea of “shade” way too much as a community, when a lot of it is just attacking each other to feel superior. We hate on one another for everything ranging from body type to femininity to even zodiac signs. We gotta treat each other so much better than we do.

Divisive? Nah. People neeed to hear when they're causing harm so they can right the ship. If I'm going to be a productive member of this community, I need to hear this kind of stuff.

Wine Break: I feel videos like this are needed for better unity, but there will be people who will try to engage in bad faith. And the people who do that should just be ignored tbh.

Wine break: I do not think these conversations cause division. However I have an issue with having these conversations with white gays and white people in general for several reasons. I once heard someone say, “you can not ask your oppressor to make space for you because how would it benefit them?”. This is a bit different but other conversations such as “gay racism in the dating scene” have always rubbed me the the wrong way. If a gay white person does not want me in their space, then I simply don’t want to be there. Why would I want some racist person to pretend to be better than what they truly are? It only ends with pain in the end and makes it harder for me to protect myself against them. I don’t need them to be more “inclusive” I’d rather racist people just stay out of my way period, we don’t need to talk.

WINE BREAK: i think that these discussions are VITAL, not only to provide people dealing with marginilsation a safe, loving space, it educates those who might not have such a sound understanding of topic as complex as intersectionality, AND it highlights the GRONKS who aint here to listen in the first place

The problem most of the time is that we don't see a person as a person but as a mean of getting what we want. When we try to open our minds we value the "whole package" over selective physical traits. I never block myself from an ethnicity, race, body type,..., cause EVERYONE could surprise me and be so extraordinary that I could be interested romantically. Even if I would never have thought being interested. I need to be "touched" (not physically 😂) to be attracted.That might come from my upbringing I guess, I'm blessed with a truly multicultural family. ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

Answer to the wine break q: in a sense, both division and unity. It will separate out those who are still active perpetrators of oppression and injustice who are unwilling to learn. Yet, it unites the group who is able to work out through issues. Unity based on ignoring the injustices perpetuated by part of the group is not really unity

18:00 I'm a white guy and I'd like to give my take on the social media section (and especially Twitter). My personal problem with most social media is that, in serious debate, it dehumanizes your opponent to a name and an avatar and an argument. You cannot see someone's expressions or tone of voice and that makes it harder to empathize with them. That's not good for healthy debate and acknowledging shared humanity. This is part of why social media discourse can get toxic very quickly. I also understand there is an upside to this form of social media. It makes it easier for marginalized communities to find other people like them without risking retaliation from their local community if they were exposed irl. So I can't say people are wrong for using social media for discourse. I do think Twitter, even before Musk bought it, was a terrible place for discourse. The algorithm prioritized the angriest voices, since outrage creates engagement, and that creates a very toxic environment. Additionally, the character limits made nuanced arguments difficult. It sucked and wish to whatever higher power is out there that the next big social media site doesn't make the same mistakes.

I'm a straight white male, but I've been gay bashed for being goth (back in the 90's) and being in the alternative music community (I was a club promoter) I had a lot of gay/lesbian/bi friends. We started doing nights that included everyone (A club I worked with "Mesh" we made flyers that said "WE have no preference of preference") there were "Wyld Side"(sp?) magazines by the front door which scared the homophobes away. Our bouncers didn't police bathrooms but if a "poser trans person' (think of the time to make the donuts guy with a mustache and dress, harassing women in the ladies room) bothered women they were ejected. The club was probably 34% gay. 33% lesbian, 33% bi (it really was that balanced), 60% women, 40% men (perhaps 20% trans or drag) . Content like yours gives everyone perspective and is helpful to all I believe. Before you think I'm super privilege man, please know that I am Neuro Diverse, called "spaz" by schoolmates and "spill it" by my own father.

When I tell you I have been WAITING. Binged all your videos and can confidently say I am fully and completely obsessed.

Wine break: I definitely think these conversations are vital in bringing us together, as we can't get better without it addressing these issues. Thank you for putting in the work of this video and I hope to continue deconstructing these barriers in queer spaces.

We’re talking about the LGBTQ community but often the L is SILENT, underrepresented and most discussed issues are not regarding cis gay, bi, queer women and female bodied black people. The discussions this video centers male-bodied people, regardless of race, gender, gender expression and sexuality. I get you’re going to discuss what you know best and relate to most but the title (even tho I don’t think it’s on purpose) is not inclusive itself.

So glad that I found your channel! You’re very funny, quick-witted and keep my attention. Entertaining and informative at the same time. :)

Really love your videos. I don’t have a lot to add to the conversation (I’m still having to work on how my own internalized oppressive views have caused so much pain for myself and those around me) so I just wanted to leave a comment for the algorithm. Peace

This was amazing, thank you. Wine break a: videos like this don't create division. You're just shining light on a facet of reality that is easier for whyte queer folk to ignore. If people fight it, that's the extinction burst before acceptance.

I like Herby, he actually gives great points of views on these particular topics.

Truly, watching this has been a highlight of my weekend, thanks for making it

"Don't just live your truth, live the truth." Finally, someone gets it.

Wonderful video! Thank you!

Where has Herby been all my dzamn life!!! 😭

Thanks for making this vid!

I'm shocked that I'm just now finding you. This is gorgeous content. Will be binging your videos in the coming days.

It’s the WINE for meeeeeee 💕 very educational video. TBH I think you need to go to community groups & have this conversation. Because it was so entertaining & necessary

Thank you for the video, the honesty, and the perspective! Working to echo this message

Yeah I’m non-binary, bisexual and femme and it’s not been the most welcoming for me

I can understand how queer people feel about who is who is not part of the community like we all know that allies are not apart of the community but is in support.But I feel like there is a lot of erasure too and gatekeeping when it comes to presentation.I think that a femme queer person is just as valid as a masc queer person and also anyone no matter size,race,gender,age,disability or no disability.Intersectinality is really important and we should acknowledge privileges within the community.

Girl this is sooo important. These things aren’t ever talked about but most definitely experienced. Ily boo. Ty for your positive truth, THE TRUTH! Lmao

I used to think the a gay Nazi was a fallacy sadly it isn’t. Paris is Burning is everything and god bless Marsha P Johnson.

A wise old Qween once told me.... DONT LET YOUR PREFRENCES BECOME YOUR REQUIREMENTS 😇

love your sense of humor❤ great video as always🌈🌞 happy thursday👑

Love the content.. keep it up!

I always say this ....Do you get along or like everyone in your FAMILY? Have you ever fought with your brother or sister , do you talk to or love all of your siblings? There it is. You're welcome. There it is. You're welcome.

I think my comment was deleted? It's gone in the RU-vid void now. But to answer the question about what yt queer people should do, my short answer is educate themselves. My thoughts are that the higher people are in the societal hierarchy (yt, wealthy, etc), the less they tend to know about the struggles of the people lower on the totem pole--but they're less likely to educate themselves because they are often not fully aware of their privilege and they don't benefit directly from it (besides becoming a more informed, worldly person) Just found you and really like your content!! 💕

100% agree. if i prefer one thing over another it doesn't mean i don't ever want that. basically it shouldn't mean that for them either and it's crazy how many people say that way of thinking is fine and how we are suppose to accept that. ALSO just like you said, i always think of how it means the person who thinks that is basically thinking that the group of people are all the same or at least share a very similar bad trait/red flag or something. if they didn't why would they exclude them completely as a dating option.. it's so messed up and when people say it i can't be like hey that's kinda weird because then it's likely going to be turned on me.

This is Deep, thank you for this video. ❤

Ballroom culture is so interesting, somehow im seeing connective tissue between the idea of aesthetic in that time with the current obsession with new aesthetic trends of today like "quiet luxury" aka old money cosplay.

I subscribed ten seconds into this video.

I am 1 min in and you got a new subscriber already. So glad this 1yo video showed up on my recommended lol your energy is so infectious

This is a serious topic but you are so hilarious and I thoroughly enjoy it ❤

Herbalist revolutionist. I swear I'm witty *sometimes*. Something about pearls and purses would be so cute tho~

i love your inclusion of clips from Paris is Burning❤️

Your voice is so pleasant to listen to OMG !!!

first time stumbling onto your vids and pretty much knew i was gonna sub, but anywayss. wine break question: as a white queer, and one in rural kentucky, there's a lot of things ill never understand, and i think thats ok. i dont have to understand, i just have to listen, learn, help when i can, etc. just like not every lgbtq person is gonna know what its like growing up in a small rural town. i think videos like these help more than harm cause it puts that experience out there, someone can learn from it, someone can feel less alone, etc. i would argue people that say vids like these cause division are looking to create said division themselves. i dont think its an easy conversation really, but i do think its a needed one. this is gonna get rambley, sry. i guess to not mix words, i as a white queer can still see the bullshit my nonwhite lgbtq peeps suffer from. whether or not i understand/share their experience doesnt so much matter, its valid regardless of if i 'get it', i can see something is not right, how can i go about being a catalyst for that without exploding in everyones face? one of my favorite works ever is maya angelou's human family, and i really do think we are more alike than different. we do have differences, yes, but i think on the whole, we share a lot more than we let on. i also VERY much agree with the entire spill on AAVE, vouging, shade, etc. and i can even provide another example. SO many southern traditions, but specifically southern cooking are breadcrumbs from slavery. the same meals so many racist white folk LOVE are in their homes bc of black people. so it goes further imo than simply copying your manner of speech or way of moving. i would venture to say its an intentional form of erasure and historical rewriting. back to the question, this is why i cannot view vids/discussions/etc like this as divisive in nature. history is written from the victors point of view, i feel like vids like this give us more perspective on what its like to not always be that default victor. thats important. FOR ME, its usually easy to tell when someone is being genuine with their cultural appreciation VS cultural appropriation if that makes sense. while the term baby activist made me giggle, i really do think thats one of the best ways to see the ripple effect of change. im glad to see the spider web of intersectionality vibing with others as well, lol. as for what we can do, i think it is up to all of us at the end of the day like you said, but i also do agree with using your privilege for the greater good so to speak. i do also think education is important, staying informed, etc. but specifically i think listening is the most important thing, making sure we are using our privilege megaphone for the important messages, and not only spreading those, but making an effort to give props to and uplift those that dont even get a megaphone. bc again, while i may not share or understand your experience, i can see that its less than ideal, and helping you get to your ideal will also help me since of all the intersectional overlap. its literally a win/win. anywho, wonderful vid.

I think we should understand that preference is way different from exclusivity

I honestly think that having preferences isn’t a bad thing whether that be for race, body type, or personality. The problems for me stem from when someone from our community comfortably discusses how they find different groups of men here disgusting or just generally talk down to them. The second is when someone begins to fetishize people from another group and see them primarily as sexual objects. If you want to talk about who gets the most representation in our community that’s a different discussion but in terms of dating, as long as someone isn’t putting down another group why is it a bad thing that they’re only attracted to people from their own.

wine break: i personally feel these videos are incredibly important, we need to know and embrace the intersectionality of the queer community and dismantle our internal biases as well, im white passing, but as an indigenous fat disabled asexual aromantic gay trans man, i feel so isolated from the general queer community; i have found my own spaces there but even in general representation i never see myself thank you for this video

This was so substantive and concise. A great video essay.

You are brilliant

Mx. Herby I must problematize the wine break question. Your work is incredibly valuable whether it creates more division OR unity. And I know that wasn't why you asked, but Audre Lorde said "poetry is the illumination by which we examine ourselves" and you are fearlessly creating poetry on this platform. You will likely have difficulty getting the exact impact that you want with your work, unfortunately. I think bell hooks would love your videos very much if she were still with us. Our nebulous concept of "queer" is about as bad as the individualist "anything goes" understandings of feminism that hooks (and our human race) had so much trouble with. Thank you for calling it what it fucking is while also having the energy to be kind and clear about it. You deserve all the blessings/luck in the world.

i once had a latina female friend say, “well what if i just don’t want to use my ‘power/privilege’” and that haunts me lol

I dig where you're coming from, and I like it!

As unrealistic and Mister Rogers-y as it sounds, I really wish we as a society could all collectively get over this shit. We're all human beings and we all need to love & be loved, how tf is that so hard for ppl to grasp??

Thank you for this video!

As a White passing transwoman of Central Asian background, this dude is right it doesn’t help me one bit. I get alienated in every forms of marginalized group, but some how I fit in well with secular, blue collar cis heterosexual community regardless of race and nationality. Because of this constant marginalization we transwomen are on our own and are skilled survivalist. I even get marginalized by other trans people white or not. Yet I don’t get treated like second class by cis hets of any race unless they are affiliated with certain religious and political movements or racial hierarchy. My two cents

I’m white and gay. I’m constantly told to not stand up for myself, people bath down doors on me and people fight with me quite often now days. Black injustice exists and needs to be taken seriously. Let’s be real about it, splitting our “community” up isn’t a good idea. We need to back up each other regardless of anything over everything.

5:57 I cried SO HARD watching Paris is Burning. Idk if it’s still on Netflix but the tumblr crowd 2016 recommended it and said it was there and I watched it then. I’d watch it again and again. I wish it was easier to access these things. This history is so important. Tbh idk what the rich white gays were doing at that time. I really only know about the folks who died, survived, etc. But idk if I want to know what they were doing. I’ll always feel more connection to ACT OUT and people on the ground, more vulnerable.

Wine Break: I'm a white gay myself so feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, but I think these videos create a good type of division that leads to increased understanding for better unity. Potentially divisive or uncomfortable conversations like this are necessary for a better future.

This video made me like OMORI, 🌻 and shipping in general even more, but also do it in a more nuanced way. I can't thank you enough ❤ PS I'm Queer, neurodivergent and anxious. You have a point about how ableist certain criticisms of 🌻 can be

LOUDER!

Thanks!

I feel like more yt gays need to read bell hooks and watch her talk with Laverne Cox. This is a great video. I’m absolutely subbing

Honest and eye opening

so glad i found your channel! you are really wonderful

İf we are going to be coming together as a community we need to reconcile and talk about the things that have been issues before and still are today so no I do not believe that we are causing division if anything we are bringing our issues into the light so that they can be dealt with and resolved so we could progress going forward while becoming our better selves because of it

Commenting for the algorithm. Silently listening for praxis.

Are you recording in a closet? If so, is it always this presentable or is that just to record? If not, where are you that also has rods and hangers? Is the brick greenscreen? It doesn’t seem to interact with your shadow like the sides of the shelves do. This is not shade, I have no notes (not that they would matter if I did), wondering is just making my brain itch. Love your perspectives, so glad FD pointed you out! And I’m not black or gay (strictly speaking), but I think this kind of discourse is always a positive. We need more thought and nuance, and more importantly we need more of the kind of people who care enough to do that labor

Where did you get your glasses from? They are cute 😍

gurl says what im two scared to say out loud

IVE got a question…so what do you say for the gays of color who allow these white gays the space to engage in cultural appropriation & racism? I.E Our good sis Ruyyy

I always try to hear out and listen to what you people have to say, y'all are important and y'all matter never forget that 🌈✨

White guy here who was raised in Birmingham (couldn’t leave fast enough). When I dated a black man there was so much hate thrown my way by black gay people, but nowhere NEAR as the hate I got from other white gay people. One white guy found out I dated a black guy (the horror) and he deemed me tainted, undateable, and quickly left me. It is disturbing how in the Deep South there is still so much prejudice even within the LGBTQ+ community.

Brilliant, we all need voices in our lives who can help us to examine where we are with our queerness and more generally, how we can be the folks who are able to show kindness.

Not to try to clock you, but around London all you can see on hookup apps is black guys saying 'no whites' or 'sissy/ts only' . It is easy to blame on one group you clearly hate, but it applies everyhwhere

Seeing all these comments about how these conversations are vital, how "I as a white gay try to listen", how it helps us build a better community, and then being constantly treated like a worthless pile of garbage and as someone undeserving of attention, empathy or just basic respect despite being attractive, highly intelligent and accomplished makes me wonder when we will stop endlessly virtue signaling and actually start practicing what we preach. Losing hope it will ever happen though, because it's easier to "adapt" or "fit in" and perpetuate the toxicity. I am white too, by the way, it's just that members of our community will never cease to nitpick and find something to hate you for.

7:02 wine break? I said this in a rely to someone but conversations like these are NECESSARY. I’m liberation minded. Queer liberation REQUIRES us to have these conversations. It’s not liberation if only some of us can move freely for a time.

i think videos like this help focus the conversation. I'm also running for mayor of Memphis as the first Trans woman.

When I was younger....way younger...I am from the Stonewall era and Latino. I remember "NO FATS and NO FEMS". I would always ask, "Why did you frame it that way?", I would let them know about preferences. I like hairy tall men. That is my sexual preference. But I never mentioned that in my profile. Because you never know who is going to tickle you. But when you write, "NO FAT NO FEMS" that tells me about who you are, what you are about. And as a Latino, it tells me what I am going to have to deal with. No thanks. Girl, you are young! Tell your truth. I am glad I am married now, because all that drama was exhausting! Be blessed and fight the fight! We can be civil, still make our preference known. "NO FATS no FEMS" is lazy. I would never date a lazy man! What ever their Race. What should White People do? Think before you "DISH" on another member of our community. Girl may not be wearing the latest Prada, Girl maybe more fem than your lipstick lesbian sister, Girl, may not look like a Mustang porn star.....but they are not the ones passing laws to make you invisible, save your wicked wit for the enemies of our brothers and sisters. What can White gays do? Make a friend what you don't want to sleep with! After a life time of living, that is my advise!

NEW SUBBIE AND I LIVE. 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

❤️Herby for President 🗳️!!

such a good video!n ty

That would be the "Post Stonewall Era"....

I DID A PROJECT SIMILAR TO THIS FOR MY HISTORY FINAL JUNIOR YEAR IT WAS SO MF COOL TO READ ABOUT *(cue me infodumping /lh but also /gen strap in fellas [not gendered])* also i have to say, obsessed with the different acronyms you came up with, will definitely be yoinking those in my own vernacular the topic i got was the stonewall riots in '69 (heh nice), but i definitely leaned a bit more into how that wouldn't have even happened without black women like marsha p johnson to pave the way and make the choice to not back down. it is _insanely_ fascinating to study how the histories of different ethnicities (and even, to an extent, different religions) tie in with queer history. there's multiple instances where they sort of rely on each other to move forward, and i say this as a white czech american with liberal parents, it always drives me up a wall to see other white queer people force a separation between racial history and queer history. this is gonna sound awful but it's just the way it works in the hand we're dealt, there is zero ill intent - white queers can always suppress (the way i do around my grandparents and certain places online) to avoid the violence, but you can't suppress skin color or facial features. other ethnicities have to handle bigots' hate every single day because of how they look, and if they're queer on top of that, that just adds insult to injury. i don't even begin to know how it feels to be the target of race-based violence, and it is not my place to say where someone can or can't proudly express their culture _hand-in-hand with being queer._ the way some quite folks in this "community" will try to force a separation is just wrong. i don't feel like it's my place to speak on different body types, i have dysphoria that comes and goes (genderfluid) and diet problems, so that's not an issue within the community that i feel like i have adequate knowledge or emotional stability to handle. but i will say, for other queer folks out there who like me are white and slender, we still need to do better. i have no doubt i'm still making mistakes without even realizing it, and i still have a ton of learning to do. but i definitely feel more confident understanding such a crucial moment in queer history, and openly saying "there's things i don't know, someone with authority please educate me" that i feel like i'm well equipped to do my part to make the world a bit better

As a Black, gay man who came out in 1974, 50 years ago, I can say without hesitation that I have experienced prejudice by white gay men in a variety of ways, more than any other group of people. They very demonstrative with their privilege. I lived in San Francisco in the 70’s and that was supposed to be utopia for everyone. However, the reality is that underpinnings of racism within the SF queer community were real in ways you’ve described and more. Not much has changed.

Regarding educating yourself, the very big hitch is over half of US adults 16 and older cannot read better than a 5th grader. Most educational resources written on important complex tropics like racism, sexism, classism, sex, gender and ecological issues are written at a college level by college-educated people. Only 12% of American adults can read at a college level. That's it. If you can't read better than a 5th grader, you won't be able to think critically. Even if you watch RU-vid videos, if you can't read better than a 5th grader, you won't understand what the RU-vidr is saying when they talk about things like racism, sexism, sex, gender, etc. If you write the material down to a 5th grade level, so much will be lost. There's no substitute at all for being able to read at a college level. It doesn't matter what medium you use. If your listener or reader isn't able to read beyond the 5th grade level, they won't understand what you're trying to communicate. Another very big problem is most US adults have very poor researching skills. This became painfully clear during the pandemic. If you're unable to research properly, you won't be able to get the education that you need. American adults are functionally illiterate. We're numerically illiterate. We're scientifically illiterate. We're culturally illiterate. We're geographically illiterate. We're financially illiterate. We're sexually illiterate. And American adults have poor researching skills. Its why Russian Intelligence has been having such a field day over here in the US. People here aren't able to sort science from pseudoscience, fact from fiction, truth from propaganda, facts from misinformation.

re: wine break question it’s the latter

Post-mortem: I love these conversations. We live in a society sksksksk ok. Ok. So we live in a society where bringing attention to the wine stain on the rug is seen as being the one who spilled the wine. If we don’t talk about it, the problem festers. And that’s on externalizing inner conflict.

I definitely agree omg

hello herby. i don't know if you will see this, but if you are educated on disabled people, neurodiversity, and autism, could you include queer disabled people in your videos? i love your video, and i personally think you're so good at explaining, and well spoken, and i completely agree with every word you say ❤️