10 Ways to HEAL ABANDONMENT TRAUMA Caused by Parental Emotional Neglect/Lisa Romano 

Childhood trauma and consistent emotional neglect caused me to isolate in my childhood. I learned that I can't trust anyone. The lack of trust is still present today at 61 years old.

I started to heal once I had my daughter, I healed my self by loving her ..I treated her the way I wished I had been loved and treated..

The mother wound is always the worst because they birthed us…then to be rejected and betrayed

I’m thinking that, at 70, I should have my act together. Instead I’m isolated and angry and distrustful. I’m beginning to see, from your channel, that I’m not the only one and I can still change.👍🏼❤️

Having a photo of my 3 year old self in my phone helps me tremendously in reminding me not to abandon "her", not to betray "her", to check in with how "she" feels about certain people. And I've noticed that i started to make different decisions when I take "her" into consideration. This all started in 2019 when I printed this photo & set it up on my bookshelf. Since then I've moved to a different state & stopped being friends with takers & users. I've changed jobs from places that were not supportive of me & I feel much more secure in my emotions, my life feels less chaotic when I am faced with difficult situations, and more even keel when I have to speak with difficult people like my mom. The practice of setting better boundaries has made my life more peaceful. Having that photo around really really helps!

As a 41 year old man it is so hard to admit to myself after all the healing I've done only to find out that I'm still broken and have childhood trauma is very humbling but I haven't give up I'm still alive I can still make a difference

What hurts the most is watching your younger brother and younger sister being treated totally different than you. They are the cats miaow in my mothers eyes. And this craziness still continues today. I'm 62 years old

My sister is the 'golden child' and I am the 'scapegoat'. I took a risk recently to refuse to apologize to smooth over an uncomfortable situation she was responsible for and she reacted by ignoring me and campaigning against me in my family, further scapegoating me. She never apologizes - even as a kid she literally drowned me in a pool and *I* got blamed by my Mom for drowning (which I then apologized for!!). My family never gave me a sense of safety. Thank you for helping me understand the dynamics in my family. It gives me hope for making healthy relationships, even if it's not my family of origin.

1) Acknowledge the feeling of abandonment. 9:20 2)Acknowledge shame. 11:10 3)How is the effect of abandonment showing up in your behaviour? 13:53 4) Identify any false beliefs. 16:33 5) Reframe all negative statements. 17:36 6) Talk to your inner child. ( focus on your inner world rather than your outer world) 19:30

Both my parents were emotionally unavailable, narcissistic, and alcoholics. It was rare and short lived occasions where I would feel safe at home. To make things worse, I was horribly bullied at school by students and by teachers. Not being able to feel safe anywhere put my brain on such overdrive I started having hundreds of seizures a day. Things only got even more worse when I was sexually abused for 6 years of my childhood. I’m 37 years old and the amount of shame I carry has been so heavy for so long. I’ve made it a mission in my life to reprogram my subconscious mind and try to create a feeling of safety within my nervous system. I am so glad information like this is more readily available these days. Literally saving lives. Thank you for all that you do. 💜

I was so damaged. Emotionally as a child I now realize Why I am so confused and always looking for love only to run from it .This is a confusing roller coaster. Thanks for decoding my life. I am just listening to this and tears came to my eyes.

As I sit here listening to you telling my life story while simultaneously attempting not to sob aloud, I am somehow unable to quell my eyes from filling up as tears flow down my cheeks. I am a 67-year-old woman and know that my siblings and I still suffer from what we endured as children as each and every one of us feels so much calmer and safer living as we do: alone.

From outside appearance i had an idyllic childhood, but have long suspected that my mothers emotional unavailability mixed with my damaged father, who was literally abandoned by his mother as a young child, has really damaged me and my brothers. Im 59, have 4 wonderful children, but they have 3 different fathers. I've been cheated on by every man I've been with, and eventually abandoned by them. The few men I've known that treated me well, I've always disengaged from the relationship and ultimately sabotaged it . I still seek my mother's approval, but only receive criticism. Even after losing my closet friend of 40 years to sudden death, and this week my beautiful dog in traumatic circumstances, she can't say anything other than platitudes, such as "well you're lucky to have a job, try to get through the day, and I,'m upset too" Honestly, i have to get all my emotional support from you tube ! I've been alone for over 10 years now, people always say , but you're so attractive, you could have any man you want etc. But I've realised at this late stage in life that I am emotionally damaged and will probably never have a loving relationship with a man . Sorry for the long post, im grieving my dog , who I loved like a child, and have always found relationships with animals easier than with people, but im gradually realising it's not my fault entirely. Thank you.

Boy did she describe me. A loner due to a narcissist mother so as an adult I prefer to be alone and definitely not ask for help. Don't feel comfortable around people,not trusting, and had feelings of not feeling lovable.

This is so good. When you don't get to know yourself as a child (because you are just trying to survive) you really can become an emotionally marooned adult.💛

I have a few more affirmations that I use almost every morning and night:🌻 i am valuable All my feelings are ok! I deserve respect and kindness. I do my best to feel better every day My self-respect grows every day I am thankful for the good things in my life I can communicate my feelings openly! I say no if I don't want something! I am important I only let love into my life I deserve to be appreciated I choose love over fear i am lovable I deserve to receive love 💜 I deserve security I don't need to be perfect - I am lovable the way I am i'm treating myself with kindness and respect

I was programmed to fail at everything, to be incompetent and to remain a helpless child ding-dong my whole life. I'm learning and growing with videos like this but I certainly can't TRUST myself 😔

I found this video by searching “how to find meaning after childhood emotional neglect” because I have been feeling burnt out, in pain, ashamed over my past actions, I feel as if I have no place in this word..I don’t know what I’m doing in this world, can’t figure out my purpose, hobbies, I feel like a brick. I don’t feel human. My abandonment issues have been controlling my life and relationships for far too long. I’m 21 and discovered what emotional neglect was a year and a half ago. I wrote notes throughout your video so I won’t forget, so thank you. This won’t be the last video I watch of yours. I am so grateful. 💜

I was screaming and crying to my mother recently trying to explain how hurt I was by her treatment growing up. She went and got a picture of herself as a little girl and said “how much love do you think I got?” I wanted to die.

Oh do I relate to this! When you have narcissistic parents and have to grow up depending only on yourself it’s a long tough and scary road. Thankfully I made good choices for my life and fought, struggled and stayed strong. I have 2 college degrees and a happy and healthy home life with my 2 children. I’ve had to go through a divorce alone, raised 2 little kids without a “village” and had to accept that I had to love myself to be the strong and independent person I needed to be for my kids. When you realize YOU are all you have and go it alone you find freedom. Your expectations for other people are diminished and you are stronger for it. The road is NOT EASY but is worth it. ♥️ God bless anyone who is dealing with this!

I truly, truly wish far more therapists were as intuitive, involved and Interactive with their clients as you. Far too many therapists get away with being lazy. They just sit and listen to you while taking hundreds of dollars from you per session. They don't actually work with you and give you the tools and skills that I needed for your everyday life so that you can move towards healing. Before you know it, two and three years have passed and you are still struggling with the same things and nothing has truly changed for you. I think most people don't know what to expect from therapy. They trust that the therapist knows what they're doing. It is NOT okay for a therapist to be lazy and passive. I think it is so dishonest to keep taking someone's money while not giving them the services that they are paying you for and not giving them the care that they need. It is basically stealing! I think there should be some sort of standards or criteria for counselors and therapists whereby their ability to provide quality services is more regulated so that they cannot get away with providing subpar or even zero care to their clients.

As someone who is adopted I really needed this video. These wounds go deeper than anyone who wasn’t abandoned as a baby can understand

Lisa Romano is gifted at taking complex psychological dynamics and breaking them down into terms that are understandable. Thank you Lisa. Namaste 🙏🏻

I found picture of me when I was 5yo. My face is dirty, my pants were crooked to the side and was wearing 2 different shoes and even though I look as if I had just woke up, I am posing in front of a rose bush with a smile from ear to ear and the confidence of a super model. I had forgot I was once so confident and fearless... I will protect her. Thank you!!

When a child says to its parents "I love you" what it means is actually " I have nowhere else to go". When an adolescente says "I love you" to its parents it means " I am not sure how to leave".

This video is an affirmation for those who feel deep discord with themselves due to childhood trauma. Many of us are ignored, gaslit or called too sensitive so, we shell and isolate to stay sane, protected and functional. After growing up in a divorced home at 2yrs old and feeling outcast by siblings and cousins and kids at school, I struggled to feel connected to anyone, even myself. I suffered from extreme emotional neglect, physical abuse and shaming from my mother, sexual abuse by a family member that compounded when I was shamed and punished by my mother for being sexually aroused at 4yrs old. I was never checked on emotionally through it all. My sad inner child has suffered so much behind an overwhelmingly exhausting, people pleasing adult persona with no boundaries and a trapped voice most of my life. I didn't speak up about it to any one until I hit my late 30s. I really didn't feel permission to acknowledge my own feelings ever. I have finally gotten an opportunity to self heal but this journey has been scary Everyday is challenging to attempt to discover and morphe into someone different than only what I have always known. I certainly don't want to go back to any of that and want to improve from my feelings of worthlessness. This takes courage and Mrs. Romano's video, what she says about our early second layer of programming, acknowledging and reframing is a tremendous dose of expert guidance. Thank you for providing us with the tools for each of our unique journeys.... which I believe will be life long for me--- in daily doses. 😂 laugh to keep from crying. P.S. Kind regards to everyone discovering here.

That’s me all me. I’m fearful I don’t feel safe. I isolate I feel people are a threat 😢I’m tired of it! It’s difficult as hell!

You just gave me 32 minutes of peace. That i have not had in 33 years thank you.

A lot of my shame for feeling the way I feel is because I did have a "good childhood". I had food and clothes and a consistently physically present parent. But I was horribly bullied at school from elementary to to high school. I was made to feel like I was over reacting and I just needed to be tougher. I also had a lot of core parent and family members leave and never come back. So yeah on the outside everything was fine but on the inside it was a very lonely painful childhood. And then I feel angry for letting something from my childhood continue to affect me all these years later.

I was neglected by my mother, then moved to live with emotionally absent guardians, including one with narcissistic tendencies. I have ADHD and therefore my inabilities, that I had no control over, were blamed on being irresponsible and not caring. I married an Anxious Avoidant on the Autism scale. I seek nothing but acceptance for the "mess" I am. A recently ended relationship brought up attachment disorder. So, here I am, learning how to be a healthier person on my own.

All I did as a child was read or look forward to the time when I could read… escape. Thank you for this video 🙏

I was a colicky baby, my mother would just let me cry on end to where I had to have surgery when I was 6 months old because of a hernia. She once said to my grandmother I understand why mothers throw their babies against the wall. Needless to say my grandmother picked me up and took me home for a while. My mother also said to me, your first child is your throwaway child. Do you know how much that pained me and stabbed me in the heart. This is the environment that I was raised in from infancy. I'm 62 years old and still learning how to trust and feel safe in this world even though I've done lots of work around it. Thanks so much for this video. 🙏 oh yeah, my mom thought she was such a great mother, WRONG!

I was gas-lit by my covert narcissistic mother and my alcoholic father my entire teenage and young adult life that "you didn't have a bad childhood, right?". " you weren't bullied at school, right?" I used to just keep my mouth shut and agree but now I kNOw way more!! I don't even get to have a relationship with my extended family or even my immediate family because of their toxic gaslighting games. Yuk.

41 years of life feeling this way that I can never get back. Definitely time to start truly healing this guilt and shame now. Thanks for this video x

omg. my stepdads favorite line was the “you think your life is hard, you have it easy compared to me” like it’s not even about that tho i’m not ok and i never was. they never and to this day don’t validate my feelings/sisters and say it was because we were kids or this and that. like no. jus bc we were kids does not mean our feelings weren’t real or valid. they used it as an excuse to treat us badly

My mother had me to trap my father into staying in a marriage. It didn't work and he left before I was born. I was neglected as I was now just another mouth to feed My older siblings saw me as a threat and abused me. I became very withdrawn and introverted. My life has been infected by narcissists . This I've learned is due to my abandonment . At the time of my mother's funeral I was told i wasn't welcome . I attended her funeral and I did it for my mum, and me. And I held my head up to make her proud I was asked if I had any photos of me as a young boy because they couldn't find any for the family collage. That alone spoke volumes to me . I am still learning and I now know I am worthy of happiness, which comes from within. I give thanks everyday for my strength and health . I was literally born to loose , but I survived. I'm grateful for being me, no matter how painful it has been. Suffering brings growth and strength and wisdom I wouldn't have it any other way. Peace, and God bless

My world was never safe when I was growing up, and I really completely trust no one. Childhood neglect, bad emotional abuse and physical abuse with alcohol and drug abuse in the home left me ALWAYS feeling LONELY and unloved. I recently just started making boundaries that I let no one cross anymore. I am very rigid now, but it beats being a door mat for everyone !!! I am still figuring myself out. Learning to love myself and give myself grace !!!

I haven’t talked to my mom in a year ….all of the things she said and did didn’t make any sense to me until I learned what narcissism was ….then it all made perfect sense

Lisa thank you from the depths of my soul. I am so broken and my life is in shambles. I have overcome so much trauma in my life but these last few years have been devastating due to my trapped mind state. I have zero confidence in myself even though I have accomplished so much. You explained gaslighting in a way that allowed me to see how my family has programmed me to feel incompetent. I can do nothing right by them either. Thank you because today I'm finally allowing myself to cut the strings and move on. It still hurts but what a relief to let go of wanting or needing their love or approval. I'm ready to heal.

Really wish I had gotten help with this as a child, then teen, and now I’m about to be 35.. and just now taking proper steps to heal. Fear of abandonment can seriously take over your whole life. I’ll never forget begging my mom to stay with my hands wrapped around her ankles. And now as a married woman I’m in constant fear of abandonment even on the best day. 😓

This video is so incredibly healing, as I'm well into my adulthood I realize that I was left to figure life out on my own at a very early age and that makes me not only feel very alone in my world but stops me from experiencing people objectively because I trust a few people and sometimes the ones that I let in aren't good for me. Thank you Lisa for this, I'm glad I found your channel because I am about to unlock the once happy and lively child within

I was neglected by my mom, who got into drugs when i was 4. I had to feed myself what I could and I remember seeing her shoot up, and watching her passed out, unresponsive. It haunts me to this day, despite the love of my grandmother who was the "stable mom figure". I don't ask for help. I don't trust people, even the man I've been with 20 years. You've helped me more than any counselor I've tried to talk with. Thanks Lisa

It can be very subtle. No mean words or kind words. No smiles or glowing eyes. No time spent with me but given nice gifts on birthdays and xmas. No instruction in how to be a woman. Not once asked if I'd met someone. Taken care of physically and never touched, held or played with. Really got indifferent once I was a young adult. Sent me to college but didn't say congratulations, smile, share my joy on graduation. Didn't give me a hug or a card when i finally married late in life. Seemed to want me to go away. Refused to see my first home or second one. When you said she never seemed to care how I felt, you hit it on the nail for me. I don't think she knew how to connect with anyone that way. My problem is that I keep thinking maybe I'm just an ingrate, expected too much. I am left with guilt and shame.

I thought anger was a negative feeling l should work on it but was shame. Trauma plays games in our heads. Thanks, Lisa A.R.

I’m 21 years old and I am realizing how much my abandonment issues as a child is influencing my present life. I am use to the survival mode because I grew up in domestic abuse home, so no one was really there to talk about those things through me.

I feel this is the tortured part, the one whom whales alone, needing someone to love care and hold them but instead to receive sadism and humiliation from 3 adults and one whom does both...I hate you I love you. So confusing. If anyone else has gone through this and not had anyone admit what they've done I pray we all receive justice. I love you. We are love. So why were they not.

😭💔 Thank you Lisa! I was raised by a narcissistic mother and an enabling dad. They have both passed on and I still love them but I see why I have such interpersonal (romantic) issues. God bless you! I’m leaving a marriage to a narcissist. I’m working on my childhood wounds. ❤️🕊🙏🏼🌈

As a child, all I needed was to be understood emotionally, be told that I will be supported and distress will be taken care of by mom..but was left on my own to process my emotions because mother was blind to my inner chaos because I was a quiet child. I spent most of life in my head and being alone I feel much safer than being around my family because for me safety is about being understood for my needs and emotions

I am 31 years old that’s still a working progress spiritually & mentally. I grew up with a Narcissist, Emotionally Immature Mother that made a lot of bad choices & it was always someone else’s fault. Domestic violence & dis functional chaos was the life she chose for us; if she wasn’t happy, I couldn’t be. She never taught me how to love myself, be strong, to manage my emotions in a healthy way, & valuable life lessons that a Mother would teach her child. She did everything to could to keep me under her thumb & broke me to control. To this day, she’s very persistent to be present in my life for the wrong reasons & wants us to be “best friends” again. Cutting her out was very hard, but the best thing for me. Staying Strong for a better future 💪🏻

Sitting on the edge of my bed feeling broken and dead on the inside at 5am ......feeling like ending it all....then I see this video....my soul is so tired 💔💔💔💔💔💔.....I born into Trauma I just want to be free..my parents died wheni was 5...I've been alone my whole life

My mom left my brother and I when I was 14, he was 15, and she moved in with her boyfriend. We were left to fend for ourselves, and it was hard. There was never food, so we would charge our friends canned food or something in order to hang out at our parent less house. We made it to when I was 19, and I became pregnant. I begged my mom to come back, I needed her, I had no one, my friends left me and I was so depressed. She wouldnt come home. It was the lowest point in my life. Im 45 now, and I live with her to take care of her, she is lonely, go figure. I forgave her, she is human, she made mistakes, she felt overwhelmed. I am still working to heal the scars, I didnt even know were there. I wish she stayed, I needed the structure. I can only do better for my kids, and I have. I will never leave them like that. Not until I die.

Breakthrough… my fear of rejection is founded in being hypersensitive and dependent upon what others think of me, the need for acceptance and validation, all the while continuing to treat myself the way I’ve been treated by giving my feelings and what I want/expect from others a back seat. Thank you

I grew up in a house where my parents argued,screamed and yelled all day and even in the early mornings which lead me from not reaching my full potential in school. They both teased me, ( on top of me being bullied outside the home ) talked bad about me to other siblings, family members etc…my mother made me watch children that she agreed to babysit and kept all the money. After I got married and had children she in my darkest hour after my ex husband abandoned us, made my life hell. She screamed at me consistently if I needed any help at all. I got deadly sick while living out of state with a newborn baby, my ex was out to sea at the time. I was in the hospital for a week, the EMS drivers took my one month old to a neighbors home. My parents didn’t come help me or call to Che on me because they said they didn’t like my ex. My dad put me out at 17 years old, right after graduating from high school saying he didn’t have money for me for college, so I got married. He was angry that I got married too. I could never make them happy…

At the age of eight I had an ulcer, at the age of ten I was diagnosed with migraines... Growing up with an alcoholic father and a narcissist mother totally explains it all. At the age of 50 I started seeing a counselor to be told by my mother "The only reason people go to counseling is to lie about how bad their childhood was." 😐 😆 🤣

As a Haitian immigrant, sadly emotional neglect is commonplace.

This explains why I have magical thinking. I tend to fantasize about the future with someone as if its going to happen and get soo disappointed and hurt when it doesn't happen. I dont know how to stop that and be more in the now.

Today I was going through alot with my thoughts and more. My mother abandoned me as a child and as I grew older I realized it was a family thing. They all leave you and disassociate from you when you need them most. And spend an unhealthy amount of time talking about you but wont help.This was a great help. Thank you so much. I love you so much for this.❤🎉

I paid an embarrassing amount of money just to hear this for free by someone I’ve never met, but somehow have more respect for than my 2 year same therapist . THANK YOU FOR THIS!!!

Thank you Lisa. I was raised by a narcissist mother which I’ve only started to figure out. She was jealous of me and that I looked like my father. That I am tall. She would constantly criticise me and call me fat but always under the guise of ‘caring’ for me. She looked after me physically but tortured me psychologically. Often saying she wished she’d never had me then being so over the top lovely to me. Or saying to me comments that minimised my emotions. She told me I was too sensitive and she couldn’t understand why I got so upset over being bullied at school because’they’ (my stepdad and her friends?) never found them to be mean comments according to them. She’d call me a donkey because apparently when she tried to get me to do what she wanted I’d just stand and stare at her. Now I know it’s freeze. She also discouraged me getting into my art and photography because that’s what she’d always dreamed of doing. It’s hard to swallow that your own mother just wants you to be smaller than her but it’s definitely the case with me. My father is an alcoholic that was brought up by my narcissistic grandmother and sent to boarding school at 5. He is avoidant and manipulative. He gaslights and punishes by ignoring or minimising me if I speak out against his opinions. Or have boundaries. I used to drink heavily like him because that’s what I thought was normal. Then he’d hassle me about my drunken behaviour and act angry. It’s like wow you’re the role model? Both parents abandon me all the time physically and emotionally. They never show up for me at all. I spent years in pain trying to work out why I was on planet earth and why I deserved this. Finally trying to heal at 43.

You'll never be good enough to the wrong person and they will never be good enough to you and the narcissis will never be good enough to you 👍 Lisa and survivors and thrivers 🙏🦋

I've been learning about the use of psilocybin for these kinds of issues. People consistently report feeling like 7 years of therapy took place in one "session". That's pretty incredible.

“Decode the problem and then find a way to solve the problem” 🙏🙏❤️

Thank you Lisa, from my bed…all day. Isolating myself. It feels horrible. Hiding away. I’m going to replay & write down this work and feeeeel it. Fake it til I make it.

The acknowledgement section HIT HOME. Ive felt abandoned in various relationships and friendships thru my life. I even started therapy to address this bc it’s starting to manifest in me isolating but still yearning for connection with others. I thought it was stemming from failed romantic and platonic relationships. But I’ve spent every session so far talking about my mom…. And I’ve recently realized that my relationship with her is the first and longest instance of abandonment I have. I’ve tried to express the effect my moms attitude/emotional absence has and is having on me to her with the hope that we can have a better relationship. And the response is always to gaslight me about my experience, victimize herself, and dismiss my feelings. Never an acknowledgement of my feelings even if her intent wasn’t malicious, just excuses. So when you said “they were unable to reach you at the level you needed. IT DOESNT MATTER WHY.” Wow..

She got a little sassy at 27 seconds when she said "that's up to her "...I like that..

I grew up in fear. Always fighting in house. No one there for me. Alcoholic emotionally unavailable mom and mentally ill dad. There was no space for me except to survive in the chaos. I have lived in that survival mode for many years still. It is tiring and gets in the way of everything to live fully.

I'm loving the 21 Day Inner Child Journal 👌I'm shocked actually at the things that have come up for me. I've had several breakthroughs in just the first few days, and I'm not new to inner child work. Best under $20 self healing purchase EVER! I never endorse products but this Journal is not to be missed. Many thx Lisa for all your work!

The feelings and reminders show up when I see bad people receive love.

She is one of the best speaker on this subject

It sucks so much to just keep having relationships fail because of this.

I am 61 yrs old. My mom died when I was 12, and my father gave me away to the State of Washington in 1973. I am very independent. The world is not safe. I dont trust people easy.

My home. My childhood. My narcissistic mother. So much damage. Thankfully so much healing via this channel

Thank you for this information! I was abandoned at birth as my mother had me at 13 and my father 14. I was assigned a guardian, my paternal grandmother, who abandoned me at age 13. I lived on my own ever since. At 27 I found my mother via a private investigator and we communicated for almost a year until she ghosted me by changing her number and moving. I thought we were building a relationship but she just vanished on me. I haven't heard from her in 10 years. My healing journey is lifetime....

My partner has told me I'm a emotional wreck for a decade from teenage years, now after having his kids and him cheating cause he was young, I cry every day all day. I became what he made me out to be

I was abandoned at the hospital by my teenaged heroin addict parents & raised by my maternal grandparents, painfully aware that my mother & father did not care enough about me to be present. My grandmother was extremely volatile & unpredictable, & prone to violent outbursts. I was an exceptionally bright kid & started taking college courses, part-time at the age of 11, having the credits transferred to my high school, from which I graduated at 14. I received my BA at 17. Dating, for a 15yr old college sophomore, is challenging to say the least. The guys I was in school with wanted nothing to do with me ("15'll get you 20" was a phrase I heard A LOT) & boys my own age, just starting high school, (a) did not interest me, & (b) were incredibly intimidated by me. I didn't really get that practice time most people get, dating as a teenager, & as a result, I never got very good at relationships. I suffered from severe endometriosis, & sex was always painful for me, so I didn't really have that driving me either. And when I was 19, I was left incapable of conceiving or carrying a baby by treatments for cervical cancer. I lacked any ties to my original. I was an only child OF an only child (so no siblings, aunts, uncles or cousins. I also had no peer group, being 4-5 years younger than my classmates at any given time. So I had no lateral ties. And when I learned I would never have children, all hope of ties to the future were dashed. I've lived my whole life never feeling like I belonged where I was, effectively, profoundly & irretrievably disconnected from the rest of humanity, which I clearly see as being thoroughly interconnected, automatically, without putting forth much, if any, effort. But no matter how hard I try, I will never know what it's like to have a truly unbreakable bond. Once the bond between mother & child has been broken (or in my case, discarded), it's difficult to view ANY bond as anything but transient & temporary. Sometimes, during the course of conversation, someone will say something like, "Sure we fight sometimes, but she'll always be my sister. You know how sisters are." Or, "We're not exactly out of a Norman Rockwell painting, but we've got each other's back. You know how family is," or "I don't care how old he gets, he'll always be my little boy," or, "We're not exactly out of a Norman Rockwell painting, but we've got each other's back. You know how family is," And I smile & nod, like I know what they're talking about, but the truth is that I have absolutely NO frame of reference for any of these things. It would be like me saying to you, "Oh you know how prison guards are." Unless you've been to prison, you don't. No one has ever called me daughter, sister, wife or mom. And chances are, at my age (54), no one ever will. I am no one to anyone. A few years back, I was a rent-paying tenant in good standing who was displaced from my home when the owner lost the property to foreclosure. On moving day, I tripped over a box, fell & dislocated Mt kneecap. I had to be taken to the ER via ambulance, & I guess during all the confusion (flashing lights, sirens & screams of pain), no one remembered to lock my front door. When I returned that night after being discharged from the hospital, I found my home ransacked & everything of value hone, along with the $3000 cash I'd withdrawn from my bank that morning to give to my new landlord for move-in. I didn't have another $3000 lying about. The move was unexpected, & I had spent nearly my entire life's savings caring for my grandfather during the last 2 years of his life. I didn't have enough money to rent another place, & found myself, on December 22nd, homeless, in the streets, sleeping on the sidewalk. I have no family, & really no close & meaningful relationships with anyone to whom I might be able to turn for help. Once you are homeless, it is extremely difficult to claw your way back to the life you once knew. And the more time that passes, the larger the gap in your rental history, & the harder & harder it gets to find someone who is willing to give you a chance. Your belongings get stolen or thrown away by the cops over & over & over again, negating any progress you've made & putting you back at square one with nothing but the clothes on your back. Every set of eyes you meet looks at you either with pity or disgust & hatred, which can really mess with your head when you don't think of yourself as pathetic or disgusting. No matter where you go, you are unwelcome. Everyone applies an unmerited stereotype to you, subjects you to the stigma that comes with homelessness, & no one wants to rent to THAT! It took me 6 years & 4 months to finally get back into traditional housing (going on 2yrs now!). And while I appreciate the fulfillment you feel from self-reliance, those years on the street took a terrible toll on me, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, & I learned things about human nature that I wish I never had. It was an experience that I could have done without, or I could have done with a lot less of. But without anyone to turn to for help, I just had to ride it out & wait for someone to give me a chance, for however long it took. 6yrs & 4mo was WAY too long! As I'm getting older & my health is starting to decline, I worry, a lot, about not having anyone to take care of me, no one to make medical or financial decisions in the event I cannot. I am a fiercely independent individual, & I fear that loss of independence far more than death. ✌🏼

Not trusting people is a super power needed for REAL leadership, TRUE independence, & creativity.

My parents left me on the side of the road when I was 3 1/2 years old. I spent the day begging for change at a convenience store/gas station down the road so that I could eat. There were many concerned adults, but no one did anything. A year later, I was returned to my parents by the government. My memory had been wiped, but I had a great year. Then the abuse started again. They taped me up in a box and left for the weekend. They used to lock me in a storage cage in the laundry room in our apartment complex. They treated me horribly. I was grateful when they sold me again to the government. At least I could be productive. This happened for half my childhood, but I blocked it out, half because my memory was wiped, and half because the trauma was too much to take. All these memories were repressed until a few years ago. I remember thinking that if only I saw the best in others, they would rise to the occasion. I acted on this belief for years. But there was all that repressed trauma that was effecting circumstances that I wasn't consciously aware of. I'm so grateful to have the awareness and to be able to heal these issues.

1. Acknowledge abandonment happened . 2. Acknowledge shame from abandonment, that you assumed blame from that . 3. How does this feeling of abandonment show up in your life ?(Experience ,emotion ,belief ,and action ) How do you isolate or block intimacy … 4. Identify the false beliefs associated with fear of abandonment . Negative self talk . Write in journal . 5. Actively and deliberately change negative self talk . (With an affirmation in journaling ) 6. Talk to the wounded inner child .Connect to your heart . What do you want , think and feel ? Create a positive perception of self . (How this shaped your ego and ego defense mechanism ) 7. Get a picture of your younger self and print it in a frame . This is the image to help you to connect to feeling space . Develop empathy and compassion for inner self . 8. acknowledge the world of reality ,not as you wish it to be . Stop magical thinking . Journal about who you trust and can’t trust in the world . Past and present. Have I ignored certain people that I can’t trust ? Am I reducing those whom I can trust ? 9. Start setting boundaries . Don’t seek approval . 10. Trust yourself more. Find safety in your self . Self care Watch through to the end. Subscribe and like . Lisa’s books are fantastic .

I was adopted relinquished at birth so this is primal for me

When the veil is finally lifted and you see the pattern, the truth of what the narcissist is doing, and you change the only thing you control - if and how YOU respond to the pattern - it's like flipping on the lights in a room. The roaches that can only survive in the deceit and manipulations behind the veil scatter! The looks, the fluttering eyelashes and word salad that comes at you as they begin to realize you aren't joining them in the abusive dance but you're not sad, crying, angry or tense either - priceless! I recently did this when both brothers and our mother were all together. Mom wanted to "clear the air" referencing the low/no contact I implemented 3 years ago after my bullying older brother sent me a verbally abusive email, and he and Mom shunned me at a large family wedding. She asked each of us if we had anything to say, asking both brothers first. Of course, they set the table with "I don't have any issues with anyone here." When it was my turn at last, I was supposed to say (and would have said 5 years ago) "I'm sorry if I've seemed distant. I've been busy and blah, blah." Instead, I looked directly at each of them in turn and told them, calmly, exactly what I would no accept from them, from verbal abuse (with concrete examples) to the gaslighting "I don't know how that happened" "That's just how he is" etc., and invalidating me by silently, passively standing by when this is going on right in front of you or even endorsing it to protect yourself. It only took me about 5 minutes, and it got easier as I went along. I didn't let them interrupt me, which meant that I had to keep talking over them, saying "Just let me finish, please." When I was done, Mom looked at my younger brother who was only in town for about 24-hours. He's lived in a distant state for 35 years and is the passive, neutral, peace-maker who is never, ever abused and ignores overtly abusive behavior directed at me, directly in front of him. Mom said, "Steve, I'm sorry. I . . . " Yep. She started apologizing to him, as if inviting me to be present, never mind allowing me to speak, was a major social gaffe requiring an apology. I left after telling Mom that I disagreed that an apology was due, when she had initiated the conversation and insisted that each of take a turn to "clear the air" - her exact words. I said I would need to skip having lunch with them, after all, because I don't spend time with people who apologize to each other for including me in their group. I wished them a pleasant afternoon, my younger brother a safe trip home, and got myself out of that stuffy, depressing room. I've never, ever felt so sure and so good about an interaction within that snake pit. I've always felt bad about myself, confused about why, and then would ruminate about it for days and days. This time was different, and I know I can follow through consistently with benign detachment the next time we're all together.

being told as a child from my mom "I could look someone in the eye lie to them get away with everything" my sister was next to my mother when she said that to me and I've been alone since then , destroyed all three marriage and took my only child that loved me and I died that day ,my sister is still trying to have me locked away put away and forced against my will to be in a cell never to have no one ,I'm free but I'm alone hated and have nothing and trying to have me put in jail and gone ,when I've never done any wrong ,I was smiling at three to nothing on my face at five , please pray for me thank you

Now I understand why I want to be alone and can't deal with my kids attitude that sounds like my mom. Thank you for this video! This is very helpful! ❤️🙏

Hi Lisa. I once told someone about the disfunction in my childhood and they responded with a "You must be one very strong lady". It just showed me how Very Confused so many people are in their understanding of Reality. 💝

Me too. I find I don’t connect to people. I isolated for decades because I was the scapegoat in my birth family. I never connected to any family member, had no one to rely on but myself. Healing myself was to recognize all this and cope the best I can. When my parents died and I gave up a relationship with my sister, I was free! I was surrounded by narcissists. It was a rough 57 years! But I still have relationship problems here and there. When people show a less than worthy aspect of themselves, I have no trouble jettisoning them. I prefer just a few close trusted people. Oh! I can never ask for help. That is impossible for me. I have a sense of unworthiness from a very young age.

This explains why i went so hard in the military, too. I’m 46 and never felt real love

It's tough if you've not been loved unconditionally by a parent. Your quest is to obey and please them so they don't punish you, not unlike a prison guard.

Wow, in just a little half hour of life I learned that what I thought was intense shyness when I was young was really SHAME! This is huge for me. I could never figure out why I was so "shy" as a child but not as an adult. Now I know it is because I had the wrong label on it. I am doing well now but I love the idea of the simple mantras or, "I am enough" and "I am lovable" etc while looking at yourself as a young child can be so powerful. Thank you so much for this information, I will continue to watch more videos.

Adopted children all feel this. They rarely get mentioned compared with children of substance dependence or narcissists!

Exceptional video with invaluable information. I will watch over and over. I’m a 62 yo woman who in the heat of a moment where I get triggered, I react like a child. I’ve recently have been peeling back the emotional and psychological layers of my self and this behavior is arising at the most inappropriate times. I’m wondering how to stop and think clearly when I’m triggered in that moment. I tend to emotionally explode in tears or anger then act out by running away or if I feel trapped, throw things away from me to make space around me. It’s been rather embarrassing and shocking to me. And many times I can’t remember what I said or did. 😢

My mom left 16yrs ago and will never say she’s wrong or sorry. She just gaslights me it’s insane I hate it.

I journal and have done for years and years. I am blown away by the person who wrote that stuff during the 14 year insane marriage to the passive aggressive covert narc. Was that really me?

I always felt like I never belonged since I was in kindergarten. But it makes sense. My mom and dad were obsessed with each other and very toxic. I’m glad my awakening started 2017 and I’ll never go back.

I’ve been in survival my whole life and battle with it still. Trying to learn I Am WORTHY. As the ostracized scapegoat I’ve been on my own since as long as I can recall since Little. My NPD mother could have cared less about me. I was her shame. Her blame. Her jealousy. her resentment. since she had me before married. Or she trapped my dad by getting pregnant so shameful to her.

This is SO me!!! You are describing me!! I need to listen and really admit this is my childhood 😭😩!!! May I finally heal from this 🙌🙏!!!!

Thank you Lisa , I was adopted at 2yrs old. I recall wanting to run away from home to “go Home” to my previous nanny. I never understood why my new parents spent time with my elder brother but left me on my own to entertain myself. I felt so abandoned, it affected me for more than 20 yrs. i

I'm a 58yr man who I believe the world has just thrown me away like plastic trash . I'm literally sleeping in front of business offices on their side walks. I helped and will continue to help others if I can . Though I've not had a meal in two days I will manage . This is the true feeling of loneliness though God is still with me .

This is so much like me.... I have so much neglect, abandonment, chaos, and isolation with my upbringing. I have found at a young age, I was meant to take care of myself just because of neglect but I didn't feel totally safe nor was the parent who I would be with was totally invested in the present moment of my well-being or attention. I found that asking for help only results in an argument or judgment. In addition my mother has a disability relatives would shun me, and my father was an alcoholic. People only saw me as a product of these people; so I too rejected them also to build a wall of my own rejection.

My childhood has broken me, and it can't be undone. The damage has been done. Remembering it is painful. And more so now that I am a mom, I realize that I would or could not do that to my precious child. Looking back, it was much worse than I thought it was at the time. Somehow, I made it through. But the pain is still hard when I remember. That is something I try hard not to do. But how can that not be a part of who I am. As long as I have a memory of that, it will always be a wound not fully healed.

Thank you so much Lisa, words can’t express how grateful I am to have stumbled upon your channel over a year ago. I left my narcissistic husband of 22 years, I feel so happy and free. But isn’t it funny that I grew up with a narcissistic mother and I end up with a narcissistic husband? My dad is actually one of the sweetest and nicest people on the planet, I don’t know how he put up with my mother all theses years. The sad/puzzling part is she just gets worse and he is still makes excuses for her? Anyway, thank you thank you thank you from the bottom of my heart ❤️ I’m still a work in progress but I’m confident I’m on the right path. 🙏❤️🙏❤️💕

Lisa sometimes I think you are speaking directly to me. 😔