I don't even understand the basis for the conflict that spurs things on at the beginning. They tried taking a shortcut, but got lost. Okay, fine. Here's a simple solution: Have the girl with the curfew call home and honestly admit what happened, then turn back and go the normal way. If she let her folks know what was going on, I doubt they'd be that upset about her returning a little bit late. Barring that, if she's too afraid to come clean, have her call home and say she had car trouble, hit a deer, had to pull over because she or one of her friends got carsick, etc. She could provide any number of plausible excuses for getting back late, and then simply turn around and go the normal way.
What! And have a teenage character be on good terms with their parents. Nonsense. Poppycock. Everyone knows that the most defining thing that describes teenagers is: a need to party, being obnoxious, and an irrational hatred for their parents and authority. And everyone knows that movie parents are just as irrational and unreasonable.
meavor Well, some parents are indeed assholes but that's not the feeling I have here: they're the assholes. Also, I know these movies don't represent any reality whatsoever but if one day I really get stuck with idiots like these I'm going my own way, by foot! Fuck teamwork let whatever take care of them while I walk back home in peace! Fuck...
It's supposed to be a horror movie, so any rational behavior is prohibited. Hence why the idea of asking for directions or turning around back to where they started (as one actually suggests) is NOT put in use.
It also visually is worse than a Dingo film. And there's some inappropriately placed music, so I guess it COULD be a live-action Dingo movie in disguise. "These girls are soooooo stupid. Hehehe."
"... Got nowhere to run. As life goes on, it's like I'm fading away" 😆 I love it when Phelous sings "How could this happen to me." ✨ Never fails to make me laugh, plus that song was my jam. I always sing along 😁💞
The 80s was accused of rampant misogyny in horror films so they started making films where the final girl wins no matter how stupid and useless they are and they told the public it was empowering.
The really scary thing about this is it reminds me a bit of one time that my friends and I were out together, I was driving. Some guys in another car started following us and one of my friends started freaking out. I think this was the first time since I knew her that I had to tell her to shut up, so I could concentrate on driving. The whole thing came to an abrupt halt when a car in the oncoming lane crossed the yellow line. I swerved, he hit us about the middle of the driver's side, then hit the car that had been following us as well as a few parked cars. Fortunately, nobody (other than the cars) was seriously injured. If we'd been recording video that night it probably would have looked a bit like this.
Taking into consideration that to review this movie Phelan had to sit through it At Least Twice! . And all for us. Sending you a virtual hug Phelan. No one should have to suffer the way you did💙
I'm trying to think of a way to remake this so that it isn't so bad. Firstly, it would have to be found footage, maybe a GoPro or a Dashcam, possibly from a police car that the girls call. Other than that, and getting better actors, we would need to add a plot.
agreed. Aside from the horrible quality of the way this thing is shot, just what is up with all the lose plot threads? I was thinking they were going somewhere with the 'ashes' in the urn being fake? I just can't possibly imagine what was going through the director/writer's heads with this.
Nah, Pulse 3 is far worse than this film, sure the production values is worse than that film, but at least the characters weren’t green screened onto what feels like a bad parody of both horror and post-apocalyptic films with so little reason to exist that it might cause a time paradox.
Didn't she hit the car while she was pretending to drive away and leave her friend? What was she doing? 5 miles per hour? There was probably not even any damage.
The ending is one of the best recreations you’ve done. For as much pain as this film creates, the amount of passion put behind your version really carries over.
A competent collection of artists with a vision can do _great_ things with a proverbial Happy Meal budget. Some of my favourite movies of all time, dude. Don't give them the budget as an excuse. Because it isn't one.
+GrandCorsair Hell even a Happy Meal budget is more than enough if you're creative with your idea. This was more of a 99 cent budget but even then if you have shitty ideas then even a million-dollar budget won't save your piece of shit movie.
Maybe this and Manos are in a bizzare universe where all shitty horror films exist that don't have a good plot or any monster/enemy for the protagonists to encounter
I commend you for being able to sit through this. I don't mind watching bad movies, but this is on a whole other level. No way would I have finished this "movie". Much appreciated taking one for the team!
Rule number one for entertainment. If people will hear your voice, make sure it is a voice you CAN listen to for more the 10 seconds. But seriusly, a nice voice is stupidly importand.
You are so true. I'll just mime out my reviews from now on because you CAN'T listen to my horrible voice that I dared to be given. My new voiceless reviews will be stupidly importand.
Well, I was just about to watch this movie, but I saw your review right there, so I thought I'll give this review a watch first.. I gotta say thank you... You have saved me from wasting my precious time on this turd. You are a saint for making the sacrifice of your time, so that we won't have to.
I have a sudden idea for a film! Go on a random roadtrip which a bunch of easily spooked individuals, drive across Silicon Valley at night, record the whole boring, painful venture, and for background music and dialogue, just record a henhouse during feeding time! Oh wait... this movie beat me to it...
The real horror in this movie is that these girls were allowed to live instead of being executed for being horrible, stupid people years ago. A few minutes into the review I was demanding for these characters to DIE...then I remembered. This is supposed to be a horror movie or something. So they'll die, right? Because none of these teenage girl stereotypes have phones to call the cops? THEY DON'T DIE?! THOSE BASTARDS DON'T EVEN DIE?! AND IT ENDS ON MUSIC RIGHT STRAIGHT OUT OF NYAN CAT?!
Zachary Watson Haha, thank you for asking this, I was going to leave a comment about this myself....maybe its because....five girls??? And one of them gives smacked and therefore gets....five across the eyes??" Yeah, fuck if I know what the real reason is....
Zachary Watson The area they're driving through is known as "The Eyes" and there's five girls. Did the cleverness just a'spole your head like it a'spolded my ass?
Possibly because you will be covering your eyes with your hand the moment you realise that you're watching it? Either in a face palm or just shielding yourself from its...incredible-ness... :(
Welp, probably would be my reaction as well. Anyway, this is probably one of my faves so thanks for posting it!! I'm enjoying seeing your reviews again on RU-vid. :)
Neo james82 Oddly, that was my first reaction when I saw "The New Daughter" with Kevin Costner just now. Not nearly as bad as this but certainly filled with a lot of what the hell? Especially the ending. :)
Phelan Porteous If I filmed my reaction of the movie Skyline just after seeing in theatres, I'd probably share the same reaction. Seriously, Skyline is by far the biggest waste of time I ever had at the movies, and I've seen Batman & Robin, Kazaam, Inspecter Gadget, and Tim Burton's Planet of the Apes in theatres.
SpeedyEric1 My thing about "The New Daughter" was it was just so.... I don't even know. The explanation of what's going on is just really weird and I'm not even sure I got all of it and everything about it is just so predictable.
This is one of my favourite reviews out of all the many critics out there. You are hilarious and genuinely seem to have suffered for us all lol Thanks Phelan and keep up the amazing work you do forever more! :)
According to iMDB, it took four months to film and cost $4000. The actors are college students, however, and the directors (yes, there were two of them) were too I'm guessing.
Seriously, were did all that money go? Assuming they already had a car, there's no way movie that looks like this could have cost that much. I make feature length movies for $100-700. I'm not saying my films are cinematic masterpieces in technical sence, but I think you can at least say there's a way to make your voice audible and shoot the film the way you can actually see what you're supposed to in a smaller budget.
Doing a binge watch of these old reviews. This honestly seems like the worst of the horror films you reviewed, Phelous. And considering you reviewed the Troll series, Hobgoblins and Skinned Deep... That's saying a lot. Always an excellent watch, God bless you, sir!
anyone who can watch this movie in its entirety are brave and beastly individuals. because god their incessant nonsensical screaming sounds like nails on a chalkboard.
if it's any comfort, past-phelous, stabbing a girl in the nethers with a screwdriver and then not treating it and just running around like nothing happened is definitely fatal, so you can rest assured at least one of them died from internal bleeding/infection.
I agree with ya there, Phelous. This film is filled with the nauseating shaky cam, annoying whining and crying from the main characters, and even to the point to where I just can't understand what they're saying now...is really giving me such a bad headache watching it. oh and there's the song for the film giving me the ear worm...o.o also, the part where this girl said "If you're killed, you die" part reminds me of a famous anime meme that is similar to this...xD
Finally! I waited for you to upload this review for awhile now, its one of your bets and most hilarious ones, the end bit is just too funny, the first time I saw it I had to pause the video I laughed so hard.
Gosh this is PAINFUL 😨 you need like a medal or something for being able to watch it all😶 It’s the kind of movie where you WANT the main characters to die at the end😅
I've rewatched this and had a thought. These days they have dash cams, front and rear, and interior cams. You could totally make this a found footage movie. Establish also that the girl driving has over protective parents that would buy the cams, even make it a model of van with a rear backing up cam. Like could you imagine, you're lost, it's about 11pm you and your friends are cursing over how the gps is shit and you don't have a signal in the middle of this farm land. You roll up the window because it's a little chilly. The view cuts to the back up cam and the viewer sees a shadow skitter on by it looks like it's headed for the driver's side.
Reading the comments on IMDb is very interesting. Most of all the reviews say to stay clear away from this "movie." While there are maybe five or eight reviews say that this is the best horror movie that they've ever seen. I'm pretty sure when a film maker sees that his movie is being blasted by everyone they probably pay people to say good things about a their shitty movie. If you have the budget of a shoe lace and five bucks that's fine. Just invest in a good film camera. I've seen some go for 5,000 or more dollars. Instead you get a movie shot on a iPhone camera. Jeez.
Jeebus... If I’m already feeling megas-annoyed just watching the review, I can’t even imagine the level rage watching the entire thing will bring. Seriously, I watched Lure: Teenage Fight Club and thought that was insufferable but damn... I stand corrected.
