How Your Spouse Really Feels After Cheating On You | Todd Creager 

I couldn't agree with you more. Cheating is a choice. Just break up with a person rather than cheat on them.

@@meathead5670 agree. Once the person cheat it means the love is not there anymore.

Way more complicated than that. But hey, if that’s what helps you… then enjoy being bitter and angry.

​@unonumero717 justify cheating if that what it takes for you. So should we all just cheat on each other when we dislike something our partner does (because each partner has something they wish were different or better, but thats the point of commitment, saying I'm devoted regardless. Otherwise please depart). Does that make it easier for you to rationalize and Normalize. Does that make you feel wonderful and free? Pleass feel that way and don't be upset or angry should you be betrayed via cheating then. Otherwise with choosing to cheat, why complicate things for yourself? Sounds bitter to me.

That's a very reductive way of looking at a very complex decision one makes. Don't mistake what I'm saying as an excuse for the behaviors of someone who cheats, but as a sex therapist and myself, I have counseled people who cheated, and people who were cheated on. The complexities don't diminish the pain caused and received, but reducing the ACT to something perceived as simple, doesn't help either.

100%

Your absolutely right! My husband cheated and said there was nothing wrong in our marriage, he loved being married to me, he said he had the opportunity, and was selfish, so he did it, he also had a friend who kept cheating on his wife and not getting caught

@@lorrainem1870 right! The whole marriage could be going great and they're at work exploring opportunities for no good reason. They know full well what they are risking and the petty reason why, which is why they don't want to talk about it because it makes them look worse. That outside influence of hanging with a bunch of cheaters has a huge effect. My wife had a friend who's husband cheated on her, next thing I know they out at bars attention seeking. Turns out she wasn't even with her friend at all, just lying the whole time to be with some dude. Damn shame... I was willing to go the distance and die faithfully with her. Now, I don't know...

Is she remorseful, and willing to fight for your marriage? Is she a good person overall, like a good mom to your kids if you have any? is she willing to get help? Has she distanced herself with her friend? My husband is all of the above, and he’s fighting for our marriage to the end, also his buddy he hung out with, is no longer in the picture, and if he does even reach out to him once, my husband knows I’m gone!

Amen it's all about choices good or bad.

So true. Imagine cheating on anyone because they’re mad, they need validation, ect. We would all cheat then. Some of us know self control and value a relationship.

I don't buy into his needs not being met later in the relationship . He was lazy, immature and has parents that are dysfunctional and cheaters themselves.

Dm ☝🏼☝🏼 for fast help…

I personally didn’t care why it happened. Upon discovering I kept it to myself, I forgave her and disappeared from her life with no contact. I was bummed but she was still at work. I just packed essentials, paid the remaining 11 months of our apt lease and moved the next state over to start fresh. She even reported me missing. She eventually caught up to me after a year and a half. She was angry, crying saying how could I leave a 4 year relationship without closure. I provided her the evidence of her cheating and she was shocked asking why I didn’t confront her or talk it out. I explained that confronting a cheater upset is only an ego stroke for the cheater. I told her that me leaving would possibly relieve the burden of her sneaking around and being dishonest. That said, she didn’t owe me an explanation for cheating and it was none of my business. I told her that I received my closure the moment I discovered she was cheating. She tried to accuse me of being a coward for running. I let her know that I walked, a coward would have stuck around and confronted her with this whiny, why me attitude. I simply moved on remembering the good times we shared. She wanted to reconcile by I told her that it’s pathetic to try to seek a relationship with someone you cheated on. Her dad complimented me on handling it that way.

​@@standground7956Bravo! 👋👋👋👋

Great take on the subject. After the initial gut punch, it does make you pause and see what’s going on with your partner.

Excellent point. I'm just over a month after finding out and just digging into the root and there was definitely an addiction...porn... social media attention. I grew up with an addict and they go through a cycle and they start the slippery slope of this isn't that bad, then this .... where they no longer register or recognize their line of: At least I would never.... A neglectful and volatile mother, aggressive father and untreated ADHD and then add to it before our relationship he didn't realize that he was involved with a narcissist. Trauma with no healing leads to unhealthy coping mechanisms and low impulse control. He's started therapy and I'm in between anger, grief, and knowledge seeking to manage...who knows how it'll go.

I guess, but Imma put it this way, if a arsonist came by and burned your house down, you're not necessarily concerned about the pathology behind why they did it. Or if a child predator preyed upon your kid, you're not going to really care what went wrong in their lives. I get that life is a gamble, but if you put in reasonable precautions, then it kind of does you no good to blame yourself for the selfish or psychopathic actions of others. Some people are just as*holes😂

@Mental_Alchemist 💯 ✔️ cuz a whole lot of us have some child hood pain, adult traumas and just trying to get through life. But we all know betrayal in love crushes, and while we may not be flawless , we at least try to spare a spouse or partner of the well-known pain of cheating on them.

Please leave and raise your baby and get some good therapy and pour in your health in all areas of your life.

@laquamartin4602 thank you for your response to my post! I appreciate it so much! Much blessings to you!

The reason your husband's behavior is so painful is because it is such an intimate betrayal. I am very, very sad you went through a rape which is traumatic enough as it is, then to have your husband be unfaithful which just adds to your trauma. Frankly I'm surprised you can even get out of bed, let alone function. I'll answer your question the way I would answer anyone dealing with an unfaithful spouse; Trust your gut and don't ignore it. Don't confront without evidence (because the chances are you'll be lied to). Once you discover infidelity, work to accept that the marriage is over and don't try to get it back to what it was because you never can. Don't make any decisions about divorce or reconciling yet, wait until your emotions stabilize (which can take a while, for me it was about 6 months before I felt some stability return). As you go forward, do everything you can to separate your healing from your husband's behavior. Pursue your own healing however you can. Try to separate the marriage from your healing as well because your healing is absolutely critical, and more important than your marriage. Try to adopt the mindset that your healing is your job, and saving the marriage is his job. Above all though, please know these are my suggestions working through my wife's adultery as well as my work in several support groups and my men's group, and that you need to feel empowered to do what you want and I promise you that anybody who knows the pain isn't going to criticize you. We've all been there. I'll pray for you.

Are you religious? In your situation I'd have definitely had an abortion. If this happened to my wife I'd expect that, then a ton of therapy. I'd go after the guy personally as well. If my wife decided to have the child of a rapist or any other man, I'd never cheat on her, but simply divorce her and get on with my life. Her choice to raise another man's child, my choice to not. I'm sure there are so many details I'm not hearing, but from my point of view, the fact your husband even sticks around is amazing. I don't think he will forever. BTW, I just found out my darling wife had been cheating on me for over two years, though virtually (videos, love letters, live virtual sex, constant communication, even with me present), so I feel the pain. I'm letting it process for 4 months before I decide on my plan of action. Just thought I'd mention my suicide-level pain in case you thought me heartless.

I'm so sorry this is a terrible situation for everyone involved. I can understand everyone's point of view here. But I have a question that might seem offensive. Why did you decide to keep the rapist's baby? His behavior is very harmful and toxic but at the same time I can understand his pain too. Obviously, you were the one who was raped and you're the one suffering the most here. But I feel like a terrible situation was made worse with the decision to keep the baby.

I think a great number of cheaters are quite honestly

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This 👍 very well said.

It's a hard decision of just going or staying in the relationship. If you have the urge/temptation to cheat, be brave enough to own it. Cheating is a selfish decision, you can't have it both ways.