It gets WORSE before it gets BETTER: understanding why change is so difficult 

One of the primary reasons why people reach out to me for a consultation is for help changing a long-standing relationship dynamic. While it is possible to alter even deep-seated issues, it takes time, it may not resolve completely, and it always, always gets worse before it gets better. In this episode, I'll explain why this is the case by approaching change through the (often unappreciated) lens of behavioral psychology. Social Media Facebook: facebook.com/profile.php?id=100090053889622 LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/orion-taraban-070b45168/ Instagram: instagram.com/psyc.hacks Twitter: twitter.com/oriontaraban Website: oriontarabanpsyd.com Orion's Theme: ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-WrXBzQ2HDEQ.html Thinking of going to grad school? Check out STELLAR, my top-rated GRE self-study program based on the world's only empirically-validated test prep system. Use the code "PSYCH" for 10% off all membership plans: stellargre.com. Become a Stellar affiliate and earn a 10% commission for every membership purchased by a new student you conduct into the program: stellargre.tapfiliate.com. GRE Bites: www.youtube.com/@grebites4993 Become a Psychonaut and join PsycHack's member community: ru-vid.com/show-UCSduXBjCHkLoo_y9ss2xzXwjoin Book a paid consultation: oriontarabanpsyd.com/consultations Sound mixing/editing by: valntinomusic.com Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world. #psychology #change #relationship

One of the best pieces of advice my grandfather gave me before he passed was this... "what you're not changing you're choosing"

this reminds me of my sugar addiction. once i start eating again, it gets hard to stop it again, rather than just continuing not eating it.

I quit drinking and got sober 6 months ago, and for the first 3 months it was hell to stop. My life has completely changed for the better since then. Crazy how far a habit takes you only until you stop or it destroys you..

“The truth will set you free. But first it’s gonna make you miserable.” - Mike Tyson

This is the exact reason that behavior must be checked (man or woman) immediately. The longer you wait to stand up for yourself, the more extreme the response. Went through it in my early 20s, you wouldn’t believe how upset people get when you don’t let them pull their BS on you anymore.

I just had to start over at 51. Ended a 12 year relationship last weekend with a woman I desired, still do and loved very much but she stopped reciprocating and I became miserable. A switch flipped after an argument and I was done. Not ending it would have been disrespecting myself by staying. Never stay in a cold and dead bedroom relationship and think there is some way to fix it by Acts of Service.

I am.not a man but i found this channel about 2 months ago and watched just about every video posted. I look forward to uploads. This information, although targeted at men, is very useful for women as well.

Thanks!

This is why gambling addiction is so dangerous. I apply this to looking at how my mom is addicted to slot machines. Imagine that the "no win" pushes/pulls are extinctions but a payout even a minor one is enough to draw them back. I always tell my mom she has no idea the psychology at play.

I will get broken if you continue to release such good material with this frequency.

Thank you for consistently sharing such great content with us, Orion. Your efforts are deeply appreciated.

It's shocking but a fact that the person we see in the mirror is one of an infinite number of possibilities that we become attached to through familiarity. This is a good thing because it creates stability and routine, but can mean long term depression if we don't at least moderate putting ourselves in uncomfortable learning/growing situations for the sake of our long term development.

This video is exactly what I needed to hear regarding the vigorous battle I’ve been fighting against my carnal urges for the past few months now. Specially when it comes to identifying the triggers, withdrawal symptoms, not giving in when you seem to be at your lowest and continuing to maintaining discipline long after the issue has been resolved. Because in order to fully have control of yourself, you must simultaneously align your mind, spirit & body.

It is scary to have experienced what happens when a relationship reignites the same toxic patterns of behavior, constantly for years, with lackluster discipline in making the necessary changes. It gets exponentially worse each time until something breaks severely.

Small correction: "It gets worse.. before it gets even MORE worse ! "Rock Bottom" is the place where one must end up to rise to the challenge of ascending to a better place..

Mr. Taraban, you’ll be at a million subscribers within a year. This is priceless content. What’s more, THIS is how we change the culture back to something workable. Cannot thank you enough for your work.

I quit weed 5 years ago. It was hard at first because I lived too close to friends that used. I moved away and now I have no cravings.

Never give up on giving up reinforcement of bad behaviours. Even if you do capitulate after a long time under pressure once, you can still get back in the saddle with behaviour that’s been helpful.

My experience with not giving in to the extinction burst was for her to ruin me socially with lies that I abuse her, so she could get sympathy and have other men give her "attention" food pellets instead, while still raining hell down on me. Imagine the mindset of a woman who claims you're abusive, files "at fault divorce" with claims that you're abusive, yet refuses to move out of the house to get away from you. Meanwhile, I'm on month 16 of living in front of video cameras 24/7 to protect from false assault charges. Sometimes nothing will ever fix the behavior. The best you can do is try to escape it.

Oh my this is interesting...i used to handle my gf phone bill for 12 years and when she started behaving poorly I stopped paying it. And she said the same things that doctor said, "you used to pay my bill for years and it's not fair you stopped. Pay my bill" I never saw that aggression in my life. It was just as the doctor described. Things got really bad and the relationship never got better and it ended. We didn't survive through it. So there that risk as well.

You are, not one of the first, but the very first physcaritrist who actually tells it like it is. I have appreciated and have grown to look forward to your videos. I find myself curious about the next topic. You are a credit to your profession Dr.Taraban Thank you for making these vids in a way that can reach even guys like me. Not omly are your videos informative,but very entertaining. Thanks

Thanks for you insightful content, the $ thanks does not begin to reflect the amount that this information has helped to constructively understand what had happened to lead up to my divorce. Now I am able to more effectively change for the better, letting go of my resentments and forgiving everyone involved.

I made a learning program that reinforced choices that led to a success outcome and diminished choices that led to a failure outcome. Playing against itself with different starting random starting points on choices, some programs were bullies, some were patsies, and some were nice to others. The bullies would learn to keep bullying as long as there were enough patsies, but as the patsies went to extinction, then the bullies were the next to go, but then they had to unlearn what had worked on patsies, since there were no more.

I'm just realizing that ghosting is a form of operant conditioning. The technique and the responses are exactly what happens when one person ghosts another person.

A powerful insight into this phenomenon. The last part hit hard though. You have to weigh the benefits of your changing your own behavior because you can never let up and staying in the relationship. If you are caring and compassionate but you have not to be in order to stop rewarding a bad behavior, then you have to continue to not be caring and compassionate. If do you want to retain that part of yourself, then it's beat to leave the relationship and find one where your qualities will be appreciated, not abused.

Thank you for sharing. It is always darkest before the dawn.

Great message, I have lived through this a lot

Great video! Thanks for making this so clear.

Thank you once again for sharing your valuable insights. It's always a pleasure to listen to your talks.

Doctor T. thank you so much for explaining this dynamic. Malcolm from Oakland

This is wonderful man thanks.

damn orion it's a piece of art each video that you make (the way you convey the information) no words..

Great advice for those of us who forget.

Thank You I've been learning so much from your videos. It's never too late to make positive changes. J Keep the info coming.

The best advice!

Excellent episode as usual.

The extinction burst is a lot like the first stage of grief.

dude this is so good.

I tried to get my now ex-wife's complaining to stop by ignoring it. I consistently ignored it for years, but it didn't go away. I ended up leaving her. That made it go away.

All absolutely true!!

Phenomenal video, wish i had heard it when i was 18

I can see this clearly in myself and in relationships I have had. I’ve also can understand others a bit better.

Thanks!............lots of details and specifics .............horray

Perfect timing! Please more on behavioral topics😊

I would also add that Emotionally Focused couples therapy also attacks this dynamic, or cycle as we call it, with really great results. Through positive reinforcement, and going into emotion and vulnerability, we target the problem behavior and help people to practice. It generalizes to home in a high percentage of cases! And the results last, coz we restructure schemas and core beliefs along the way...change the attachment...regulate the nervous system...and voila!

You are a genius, thank you for this content

Loved the "extinction birth" acting doctor! Great insight as always!

Thanks

This is gold

This is mostly right. Only disagreements here are... 1) Women subconsciously make things more difficult for you when the detect you are changing in the right ways because they want to know they can actually trust that your changes are genuine and not just manipulation 2) "Rewarding the lever pulling" is really any response that isn't coming from a legitimate place of compassion. Getting angry and loud or getting stoic and turning inward are BOTH the wrong answer. Stoicism doesn't work in the long term 3) The reason for these lever pulling outbursts is because you aren't actually listening or showing that you are truly listening and understanding what your woman is saying and needs your help with. She may scream because she feels that you can't hear or won't listen to her otherwise 4) You're allowed to mess up and get an angry response from your woman even after you've healed together. In fact, this should be a welcomed challenge that can show your partner that you won't be scared away because you're tough and you truly care about her. She'll love you even more, so don't panic if you have a rough day...just do the right stuff and remain compassionate and caring. The best part about this video is that it does get worse before it gets better. Knowing that means you're on the right track. Just be sure you aren't looking at your woman like a rat, and truly listen to her regardless of the outbursts, and you will grow closer again and more peaceful.

Great video!

Brilliance

Great content and much appreciated! The only thin I don't like about this channel (snicker) is looking through your window and seeing all that nice greenery while I've got 5 inches of snow in my backyard.

Word is bond. This is truth. Great video. To enjoy the benefits of change we must have the guts to properly endure the process of it. Ever notice that a fire you're trying to blow out tends to fight back with all its might before it finally goes out?

4:17 Give him the Oscar!! 🏆👏👏👏

Wow I think my phone was listening to me talking last night during a phone conversation as this video popped up. I definitely unintentionally rewarded my ex wife when I was married by allowing her to drink. Kinda hard to stop an alcoholic with addiction. In reality there was nothing I could do to help her with her addiction which I finally had to accept through therapy. Great video and at least I’m more aware of myself and others habits.

*AN APPRECIATION COMMENT* Doctor.. I have been on youtube since forever, I watch a lot of channels, and many of which are high quality. But for the life of me, I can not find a more perfect channel than yours. You are very smart, and to the point, every single video of yours has been plenty of help in ways that are hard to imagine.. this is by far my favorite channel on RU-vid, and I don't say this lightly Thank you, doctor. I hope you keep doing what you're doing, I can't wait for the next video every time you upload.

I recognise that I’ve been in a number of codependent relationships. Altering the dynamics of those is what this talk is about. It does occur to me that I have to be absolutely consistent in establishing new dynamics. From what I can see so far, it seems I have to stop encouraging the kinds of behaviours that create codependency. Basically, I have to stop playing my role in these codependent relationships. I started a while ago, and I can see it does work.

The problem I’ve found about checking behavior is even if it is externally effective, it doesn’t change one’s character and they will just take more efforts to conceal it and be more sneaky about whatever it is.

Exactly 💯

Not relapsing is indeed the hardest part.

"WHERE'S MY FOOD PALLETS!!!". So funny, and easy to follow.

He’s actually a funny guy

No interest in saving a relationship, but I had to check this video out, anyway. Always learning something interesting here, and that rat metaphor was right on. Keep up the good content, sir!

Excellent content! I wonder though why you haven’t mentioned the power of intermittent reinforcement in this context?

Extinction Burst is the coolest name for an attack I've ever heard.

Great

Crisis always occurs at the curve of change...

You and Dr. K are my favorite phycology information sources 🤓

So setting boundaries is exactly like addiction recovery detox. It's almost like AA was really onto something.

Dr. Orion you have the most beautiful eyes 😅❤

I'm not sure if it applies on the principle explained, but right know (today) I'm creating a rutine of commenting EVERY video I watch, so I quit watching videos mindlessly, please like (or comment) this comment so I keep geeting some random reminders. Thanks a lot❤

I did this with an ex, then found out she had Borderline Personality Disorder. She ruined my life for it. These women are my name.

Patrice ol Neal said this as well, in a different manner, he also said like women are trained by their previous man. And often you need to untrained her or train her. Hmm I think I got a good understanding of everything just need to start implementing and changing things in my life. But idk how to justify my wants or what I say I will do, I think I'm just going resort to lying, I actually see it as weak to argue with a woman. Because you are giving her a handicap in a verbal battle that should or would have gone physical if she was a man. And I just realized I'm stronger than a woman, like well like stronger than my mom. And I think you are right about women "I feel" and "Now" because I been disconnected with family because I feel like I do a lot for them I know I do, I do everything asked of me and give money to them when asked and so on And like I really am so stupid. I actually i can't believe how much money I gave to my mom and family, I'm unmotivated to work because It's like a trap. Like them wanting em to get a good job is not them caring about me but my ability to care for them financially because they know I don't say no. And I think nice guy get punish for being nice and boring because a woman emotionally does not care about flowers or the thought Maybe just for a brief instance then no more. You don't get a woman full attachment to you that way. She will make your wait and out you the friendzone

I quit drinking and cigarettes just after Christmas 2017…haven’t touched either since. 2018 was a hard year. 2019 was better. Despite the craziness of 2020 it was a good year for me. 2021 was even better! The last 2 years have been pretty calm and my whole life is way different now. I would never go back to my old ways but life is not actually better now. I am just “healthier”?

Common Dr Taraban do one on toxic families and the scape goat.

Massively applies to Semen Retention and other sexual addiction. I have many hot exes and now that I'm practicing SR, it makes it even more challenging. Just one time can ruin your run in any addiction for sure! Thanks for this awesome upgrade Orion. 👊

Dr. Taraban goes all death metal at 4:14 and 9:00 Great point though -- don't validate and reward the bad behavior.

This guy has real practical knowledge. I wish he was available in 1985.

I saw this in my business. My business ran well up until about 2016 then it just crashed. I tried everything I could think of to get it back. Then for a few years I would have a client call me with just enough business to make me think things were back to normal. Nope.

❤😂❤❤😂Thank you sir, You have made my day!

Get your World Changing knowledge right here.

🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

You're hair is looking much thicker and better

And the other takeaway from this is that if you realize that something you want is slipping away from you, let it go rather than engaging in an extinction burst to try to hold onto it, which will only drive it away faster?

Reinforcement. Got it. What about punishing? Maybe then ignore?

It would be interesting to reflect on how the world of work, perhaps today more than ever, is based on the little rat experiment. And this regardless of the fact that obviously we all tend, at least in origin, to do what we are most passionate about...

I think God wants us to go through the challenges we have because it is healing to us.

My life never gets better. It only gets worse and worse. Gym, university degree, job, grooming, style... Have all been futile. Nothing has changed in my life, my personality is still extremely bland and boring. I don't know what levers to press anymore, I don't know which ones to stop pressing.. I'm hopeless.

Any advice on how can we know if this process is worth it or not? My guess is that its only worth do it for someone we can't get rid of, for example our children.

Totally sounds like an addiction

Life is like a wave, with crests and troughs, isn’t it?

Stop uploading sych relatable content at such relatable times

The more of this information I get, the more it seems that the cost-benefit ratio of having a relationship with a woman is just not in the man’s favor.

Who does the art for your thumbnails? If he's looking for more work I may hire him

I think as well, people don't want to change because they realise they have part created the problem. Much easier to 100% blame the other person to actually see what behaviours you have been doing to contribute to the dysfunction of the relationship.

Is family court rewarding divorce?

While you have a point, telling people not to bother is not good.

What happens if you can find a sufficient punishment for the behavior instead of just removing the reward? If pulling the lever creates a negative experience on every pull does the extinction burst behavior or time line change? Asking for a friend