We Don't Want Children. - Childfree Marriage

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In this video, we’re talking about something that we’ve never really talked about publicly before... the fact that we don’t want kids.
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Hi there!
I’m Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist and writer specializing in helping you have more fun in the bedroom.
I have bachelor’s degrees in human sexuality and sociology from Brown University, and a master’s degree in counseling psychology from the California Institute of Integral Studies. I’m also a licensed psychotherapist. I’ve been working in the sex therapy field since 2002 and have been featured by The New York Times, Lifehacker, Rolling Stone, GQ, Esquire, Playboy, and many more.
I look forward to helping you take your sex life from ordinary to extraordinary!
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#sex #relationships #communication #expectationsvsreality #ltr #marriage #relationshiphealth #sexualhealth #talkaboutsex #talk #communicationhacks #sextherapy #sexandrelationships #sexpectations #relationshiphacks #children #childless #nochildren #don’twantkids #don’twantchildren

Опубликовано:

3 авг 2020

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Комментарии : 657

@aubriegrimm3373 3 года назад

I click on any and every childfree video because so few people are willing to speak about it

@thenextrung 3 года назад

For Real🙂

@GillianMulholland 3 года назад

AGREE!!! So hard to even find people to talk about it. I did a video on it.

@lauraelisee 3 года назад

Me too lol

@FloNisChildfreeLifeChannel 3 года назад

Imagine all of your sisters and friends have children and you are Childfree! And everyone in your circle and your whole country wants to have children. We feel like we are alien haha.

@natural3362 3 года назад

Don't worry. In 2040, almost everyone will talk about it

@WifeWithoutKids 3 года назад

We don't want kids either! It's totally normal to not want children even though society makes us seem "weird." My husband and I have made videos about choosing the child free as well. It's such a personal choice. Thanks for sharing your story:)

@vanessaandxander 3 года назад

Thanks for being so honest and vulnerable about your story too! I'm sure lots of couples have benefitted from your channel ❤️

@stevenswiel8015 2 года назад

I am never having kids my whole life. It’s so expensive and stressful.

@TheRachag 2 года назад

Yes but even though you may not want children personally which is fine understand that you should still invest in children. They will be maintaining this infrastructure when you are too old to. So it’s important to try to invest in the future of society. It benefits everyone at every age.

@clintferguson6599 Год назад

Bravo! Good for you! Man, it's such a relief to find people like me who don't want kids either. Me and my girlfriend don't want them either. :)

@ellimer2373 Год назад

Same here. My husband and I enjoy our life without kids. Greetings from Germany! 😊

@stefanalbu4143 3 года назад

i don't want kids either. I like the freedom to do what i want and i see having kids take that freedom and happiness from me

@beasworld5155 3 года назад

I know that I have one when I was 19 I didn't think well about having my daughter and I regret so much it's stress depression also you have to look out for the child because in this world we have alot of rapist .. sorry for my english

@beasworld5155 3 года назад

And I would never have another one

@natural3362 3 года назад

@@beasworld5155 you're smart

@beasworld5155 3 года назад

@Dede August I was young that time I didn't know what I was doing I wasn't on birth control

@beasworld5155 3 года назад

@Dede August to be honest its hard

@deeporter7369 3 года назад

As a 66 year old woman who decided in my 20's to remain childfree.... I have no regrets at all. I am married for over 30 years, have a loving relationship, close friendships and lots of social interests. It's ok to decide either way......I am just grateful that I had the choice to decide for myself. Many women in other societies don't get to decide..it is expected or they are not valued.

@vanessaandxander 3 года назад

So well said, Dee. We feel the same way - that every woman and couple should be able to decide what is best for them. Thank you for sharing!

@bobmarker6812 3 года назад

I knew @ 17 I didn't want kid's. Now almost 60 - life is GREAT! A lot of people my age are financially bailing out their grown kids and/or raising grandkids.

@vanessaandxander 3 года назад

That's awesome ❤️

@brothertn708 3 года назад

I bet they’re happier than you and healthier

@bobmarker6812 3 года назад

@@brothertn708 I'm very happy and enjoy a daily 1 1/2 hour brisk walk.

@brothertn708 3 года назад

@@bobmarker6812 that’s great... can you please put me in your will since you don’t have children to take over your legacy. In all seriousness who will inherit your millions? 😊

@bg6358 3 года назад

@@brothertn708 why are you so invested in other people having kids?

@sylmanyeki9323 3 года назад

Im 40 and childfree. Im not really fond of babies. I like kittens and puppies

@not-even-german4892 3 года назад

🤣🤣🤣🤣

@kvietimas 3 года назад

I join your club 😁

@naturecreep8811 3 года назад

I like them from a position I can flee and give them back to their mums Haha

@andywatson7994 3 года назад

I am 41 and child free as well. My wife and I just have enough money to pay for our mortgage and insurance and bills. We just can’t afford to have kids.

@Ry_ooK 3 года назад

I'm almost 40, and I'm with ya 😺

@lunamaharuni 3 года назад

2 of my 3 daughter's chose not to have children. My 22 and 27 year old daughters say no to kids. My oldest daughter 31 has 3 children. I've noticed there are so many people 30 and younger choosing not to have kids. It's fine with me. It's not just a 18 year commitment but a lifetime.

@lunamaharuni 3 года назад

Ps I work in a health care center for the elderly. I have met a few women over my time there in their 70s and 80s who made a conscious decision not to have children.. They traveled, lived life to the fullest, had wonderful relationships and regret nothing.

@nycsp 3 года назад

You are a cool parent!

@charmainewalker8627 3 года назад

Exactly and the truth is what no one is saying is that parenting is just not for everyone. I just do not think I was meant to be a mother and I think that is refreshing when someone can arrive at decision of being brutally honest with themselves

@TheRachag 2 года назад

It’s okay not to have kids. They should invest in children because they are the future. As long as they contribute to some way of children having a successful future. Because they will live in a future with fewer young people and that generation needs all the help they can get.

@can.du.8116 Год назад

When you look at the generation that were born in the 1980’s and after you will find many of the SAME decisions and life choices. Prior to this many of us just enjoyed living. Not focusing on everything in life that can add so much stress ALL at the same time. It’s these generations that we see today that have the issues that we’re seeing today. They are not as strong as the generations that came before them and it’s affecting every area of their lives. Good luck to them in their quest to get everyone in the world on the same page.

@vlogsbytunah9301 3 года назад

I am married and do not want have kids too. It should be ok , but the Society is full of judgmental people..

@nomg563 3 года назад

Judgment in a lot of cases is projection. There are a lot of unhappy parents who wished they did not procreate that hate on those who are CF. I have never heard happy, fulfilled parents care so much about other people's life decisions surrounding children. They are too busy enjoying their lives to do that. Always give the side-eye to those who have the audacity to question a decision that is none of their business. And yes, it's more than okay.

@flowers8442 3 года назад

@@nomg563 Truth!!!!! I would like to be married someday and never have kids. I Do not want kids ever.

@terrasamiddha7024 3 года назад

Actually stupid society. This world is blind.

@zoltanwilson4277 3 года назад

@@flowers8442 Same here, Dude.

@kikikiki3216 3 года назад

Gilr I see so many people looking unhappy with their children. No rest etc..

@stela_solar 3 года назад

My aunt had a staggering 10 children and it didn't prevent her husband from leaving her for a childfree mistress when their children were all very young (from 16 to 2). So for those out there who think that children prevent a divorce: forget it! 🥀

@skadi6750 2 года назад

I was an ensurance against divorce myself. Mum used to told me that as a joke, but I am pretty sure its actually true. The asshole left mum a year later for a friggin teenager anyway. Now mum struggles to understand, why I might have zero interest in parenthood:-D

@harakatidi8722 5 месяцев назад

No they don't prevent a divorce, but remember that this woman still has her kids. What if they were a childfree couple and the husband suddenly decided in his 40s or 50s that he wants kids and left her for a younger woman? Remember that men can have kids at older ages

@T.C556 3 года назад

Being selfish or self centered is part of human nature. Why should you be vilified for wanting to enjoy your wealth and time without the demands of parenthood? Not everyone has what it takes to be good parents. Live your truth.

@TheRachag 2 года назад

Because as they age they will benefit off of other peoples sacrifice of raising kids. They will be the adults running the infrastructure. They still need to find a way to invest in the children’s future because there will be less people to maintain the infrastructure.

@swolfe9668 2 года назад

it is NOT selfish to NOT have kids

@tiffanypollard8621 Год назад

Tbh what's more selfish than wanting kids. Lol. I mean you're not doing a baby any favours by bringing them into this world. It's really a selfish decision because you want a child. Lol... it's really all about the parent's desire to raise a child...which is inherently selfish. I mean if you really wanted a child why not just adopt or foster right? So you should tell them that the next time they try to shame you about having kids

@raleemay 3 года назад

I like kids but don’t care for babies. 😂 I don’t think they’re cute, sorry. I find my friends babies to be cute, probably because I have an emotional connection to them. But most babies are a turn off. I find puppies and kittens to be cuter.

@nickb329 3 года назад

Sameee! Idk why

@aliengod2039 2 года назад

Coz 7,897,738,736 +++ humans on this planet. So, cuteness and specialness depreciates to almost 0 in such an overcrowded world.

@Soundoverload 2 года назад

Lucky for you they grow up

@MALXCX 2 года назад

You need help

@laurennasuti2817 3 года назад

Thanks guys, my husband and I don’t want kids either, going on 10 years of marriage, and fully content and happy without kids.

@aprilroel 3 года назад

I see so many people saying "what's the point of marriage if you don't want kids" or Just acting like marriage is just for having kids I mean its their opinion but just don't say that in front of childfree married couple"s cause marriage is not just for having kids its about love and commiment to other people, but you're allowed to have an opinion.

@ellewoods9396 2 года назад

Marriage without kids is superb. We were able to retire in our 30s. We spend everyday as we choose. We can be spontaneous and have our own interest as well as spend quality time together. We also have the option to create foundations that will live on supporting the causes we desire. Life is great!

@God.sDaughter 3 года назад

I find it strange that the stigma, judgement and hatred towards those CF couples or women and men come from those who have children. 🙄😕🤷🏽‍♀️

@vanessaandxander 3 года назад

I wish it didn't have to feel like an "us vs. them" type of situation. We should all support each other in making the decision that feels right for each couple, and celebrate each other's decisions! Just because I don't personally want children doesn't mean I'm not THRILLED for my friends who do want kids!

@God.sDaughter 3 года назад

@4Trees But do you think it’s logical to attack a woman who is CF and insult her just because she is CF? I’ve never understood the logic with these particular individuals who attack and insult CF couples, women and men.

@charmainewalker8627 3 года назад

Misery loves company lol 😂. You know how many ppl I meet who are struggling and can barely make ends meet but tell me I am selfish and that I don’t know what I am missing. I telling I am ok with missing not being able to buy food or constant be worried financially .

@ezramgabriel6822 3 года назад

Maybe they see it as questioning their choice to have kids.

@charmainewalker8627 3 года назад

@@ezramgabriel6822 I guess so ,though that isn’t the case. 😃

@FloNisChildfreeLifeChannel 3 года назад

Been married for 15 years and Childfree in the Philippines, it's so sad that we feel alone in this movement.

@thecelticdruid.6681 3 года назад

Because it's a very unpopular decision, childfree are statistically the minority!!

@FloNisChildfreeLifeChannel 3 года назад

@@thecelticdruid.6681 yup so as rich people.

@thecelticdruid.6681 3 года назад

@@FloNisChildfreeLifeChannel We're not rich, we don't need to be, we have our children, worth far more than money.

@FloNisChildfreeLifeChannel 3 года назад

@@thecelticdruid.6681 what I meant was Childfree are like rich people we are both the minority!

@charmainewalker8627 3 года назад

We are not alone . It’s just that with social media more ppl are speaking out and we should find our voice. Thank you

@sunnysherrill9729 3 года назад

Sometimes I feel stuck. There are days I want them, and other days I don’t.

@shashwatmishraalumni4918 3 года назад

The world is getting harder and worse day by day And you cannot change the world for your children if you're not a rich person

@flowers8442 3 года назад

@@shashwatmishraalumni4918 This is one of the things people need to consider prior to having kids. The world is already getting worse daily. Covid has made this clear worldwide that with this pandemic & more are just the beginnings of sorrow.

@gazagxrlx2974 3 года назад

Wanting children is a biological urge. That's actually different from wanting !!

@lizb4156 2 года назад

@@gazagxrlx2974 No it isn't.

@gazagxrlx2974 2 года назад

@@lizb4156 Yes it is !!

@Foxie635 2 года назад

Same here. When I die, I will smile because I "made it" through the maze without burdening someone that did not have a choice to be born.

@theMermaidRhonda 3 года назад

It's so nice to see others talking about being childfree. My husband and I have been together nearly thirty years, married for twenty-six and have no kids and we're really happy. I wouldn't change that for anything.

@davelinsalata8012 2 года назад

Lol. You're lying

@FloridaNative84 3 года назад

Yeah I've never had baby fever..almost 36 yrs old..my husband and I are on the same page. Thanks for sharing your story.

@beaulieuc8910 3 года назад

Great to hear from more CF couples. I have never wanted kids, I love my freedom and at the end of the day, they are just a hobby. It is not necessary to have kids. Also there is still a risk of being killed in childbirth too ,it is just isn't worth the risk. My relative was killed with her 3rd kid. It kind of instantly puts you off at the first hurdle, she was just 26, iMy and my boyfriend like to spend time doing meaningful things such a campaigning and voluntary work.

@vanessaandxander 3 года назад

Thanks for sharing! I'm so sorry to hear about your relative.

@thecelticdruid.6681 3 года назад

They are more than a hobby, they are actually a full time commitment, not slavery as some child free say.!!! Children are a life time, not some past time hobby.!!!!

@prettyblackgirl1253 3 года назад

Not enough people consider the environmental strain and damage caused by having kids. Thank you guys

@vanessaandxander 3 года назад

Thanks!

@kofiduku934 3 года назад

Kids are so overrated in the society

@splatitup6862 3 года назад

It's Sunday and I'm watching this on my bed in peace. I'm going to take a nap afterwards. Couldn't have done that with kids!

@sumibordoloi2000 3 года назад

I want to be childfree...my husband too

@jamisona.5639 3 года назад

Another aspect of not having children is the womens body being so affected afterwards.

@roahir 3 года назад

Little late to the party but so glad more people speak up about this topic.

@vanessaandxander 3 года назад

Thank you :)

@jackcarraway4707 2 года назад

Anyone who calls a childfree couple "selfish" are clueless. There's nothing wrong with not wanting kids. I'm a guy and I'd rather come home from a long day at work to peace and quiet with my wife, not screaming kids. Life without kids is stressful, frustrating and expensive enough as is .Raising kids isn't for everyone.

@richauntie316 2 года назад

We could make a perfect fit 🙂

@kvietimas 3 года назад

Oh my, thank you. It feels so liberating to hear you speak about it. I love what you said that every child deserves to be actively wanted. That's the highlight of my day. AND, people, if you have kids really don't think they will be the ones to take care of you during your golden years. I work with elderly and sadly see that every day, that quite often those kids are just too busy with their own lives.

@vanessaandxander 3 года назад

We're so glad this video hit home, Tina!

@cak8132 Год назад

It’s none of anybody’s business if you have kids or not. That’s totally up to the couple. I’d much rather see people make a conscious decision not to have kids than to cave in and have children because they think it’s “expected” of them. I knew in my early 20s I didn’t want kids. I’m much older than that now and I’ve never regretted that decision.

@hayleymassacre15 3 года назад

I want kids but I don't want to birth them, I want to adopt them. Pregnancy seems terrible

@brothertn708 3 года назад

Birthing babies is easy, you pretty much birth poops daily... it basically feels the same. Have a baby so you don’t have to hug your guitar anymore 😹

@evant8186 3 года назад

@@brothertn708 you sound very ignorant dude

@brothertn708 3 года назад

@@evant8186 ok dude 🥴🥴🥴

@Michele-bm1zu 3 года назад

as someone who experienced polyhydramnious, 50lb weight gain, and severe pitting edema while pregnant, I will say that it probably isn't as bad as you think, especially if you really want children. I'm sure adoption would be just as fulfilling but feeling your baby move inside the womb is the best feeling ever.

@vanr5196 3 года назад

Don’t listen to these people who say pregnancy is easy🙄🙄 it can mess up your body long term. Research both options before you decide

@CW-ri1ug 3 года назад

Thank you for sharing this. I was in the middle, leaning towards not wanting kids. Husband leaning towards wanting kids. Husband got a new job he truly enjoys, but will be away from home a lot. He decided it’s not fair to me and the child. And the job I’m trying to get into isn’t good for rearing children either. My current job isn’t ideal for raising children time wise anyway. Also found out I have health factors that increases my risk of miscarrying by 50%. And also I take longer to clot. So bleeding out is a true risk my OBGYN is concerned about. We both decided we’d rather not take the risk. The idea of having children wasn’t worth me dying.

@vanessaandxander 3 года назад

Thanks for sharing!

@ennajean20 3 года назад

Thank you for sharing so openly and honestly. I couldn't agree with you more... That all children deserve to be 100% wanted. I respect your courage in sharing exactly where you're at and opening up the discussion for those who may think similarly/challenge those who haven't yet made a decision on this yet.

@vanessaandxander 3 года назад

Thank you so much, Erena! Your support means so much ❤️

@Gauntlet1985 3 года назад

I'll be blunt... I'm a single, never married 49 year old male... I never once in my life had any desire to be a dad... Years went by, the world has become a crap place... Now more than ever, I'd never want to raise a child in the society today.... As for marriage, it would have been nice years ago if I met someone special, but that never happened.... At 49, I feel like what's the point of dating and marriage.... I've got my work, my passions, hobbies.... I see no point of marriage, or kids.

@elisscaliving4776 3 года назад

Good on you

@muhamedjones122 3 года назад

My decision to not have kids always overlaps my decision to have kids.

@charmainewalker8627 3 года назад

You are fine. You don’t need to get married if it’s not for you. You can have a companion travel and live life how you want. I have many male friends who are successful and are not married or have children and don’t want them. Like you I felt the same way. I am 52 and I am a teacher and the more I see the world the more I knew I made the right choice to not have kids and I also do not want married. I know many ppl who have companions or lifelong partners that live separately because they do not want to live together. Live your life how you want. Best of wishes

@Sona77. 3 года назад

Thank you for sharing! Glad you are able to continue your passions and hobbies

@lifewithjown 3 года назад

In my country not having kids is not talked about. I also asked my guy friend if he knows anyone who doesn't want kids and he said 'no i never encountered one, having kids for a man is like an achievement and having kids is like having your own product that you are proud of.' glad to know that there are men who doesn't want kids.

@docbrown3139 3 года назад

Been with my partner for 17 years and we don’t want kids. So tired of people telling me I’ll be sorry about my decision, my partners mother hates me for this reason and tells him to find someone else..

@Childfree334 2 года назад

My ex boyfriend was shocked when I kicked him to the curb because he changed his mind about wanting kids. No babies are coming out of this body EVER. Go make some other woman a baby mama.

@alicias2488 3 года назад

Thank you so much for sharing your story and being vulnerable!

@vanessaandxander 3 года назад

Thank you for your support, Alicia!! It's not easy being vulnerable in such a public way, but we feel that our message may resonate ❤️

@Lisa102050 3 года назад

This is such a thoughtful, articulate, loving video. It was great!

@KatieM786 3 года назад

Thank you! I have known since I was 9 years old that I didn't want children. I was lucky enough to meet a man who feels the same way. We have a lovely nephew and niece that we get to spoil, with another one due in 2021. I love our life and I don't want to be a parent.

@vanessaandxander 3 года назад

I can't WAIT to have a niece of nephew to spoil!!

@nmleonval 3 года назад

I am a 40-year-old Freshman college student. I have an English 101 class and am writing a 10-page research paper on why it is important to support couples who choose to be child-free. I am nervous about it but I am grateful that this is something that is being spoken about. It will be great when it is more socially normalized.

@XTheSpartanX7 3 года назад

Not having kids is my secret mission. If I ever came out and said it to my family or friends I'd be an outcast. My go to response is "it's something to think about" or "I like to live in the moment". No kids ever..... they aren't gonna know tho lol.

@Mysteriuminiquitatis1998 3 года назад

I guess after a certain period of time they’ll slowly start to realize. I guess it’ll be a slow burn for them lol. Tough luck for them, you’re doing what’s best for you and I think that’s quite alright.

@sigmasiren777 2 года назад

The world is getting too uninhabitable to have kids anyway, and so many ppl already don’t even want to be here.

@Affluent-Ghetto-Blackman 2 года назад

@@sigmasiren777 Because the world sucks bro. A bunch of racist religious fanatics who would rather burn the world down than educate themselves. Corrupt governments. Economics and infrastructures on the brink of collapse. We’ve failed.

@JB-kx9bx 3 года назад

My wife and I have been on the fence since we got married 3 years ago. 2020 has not made us move towards wanting to have kids.

@sonderexpeditions 3 года назад

There's also a small community called "one and done". For parents who just want one child. Being a fence sitter is a challenge.

@melissastrong8737 3 года назад

Thank you, Vanessa and Xander, for your openness and honesty with yourselves, each other, and others. The world would be a better place if we all followed your example of rigorous self-examination, honesty about our wants and needs, and open communication with partners.

@vanessaandxander 3 года назад

Wow, thank you so much for those kind words, Melissa. It means so much to receive support on such a sensitive topic!

@rosep5502 2 года назад

As someone who works in elderly care, having children unfortunately does not guarantee that you won't be lonely. I've had patients who have 3 children who have all ended up living abroad, or half way across the country. There are lots of older people who maybe see their older kids once a year. Nothing is guaranteed.

@freespirithippie6857 2 года назад

Looking back, I am soooooo glad I didn't bring a child into this world. I've found better things with my time.

@juliadejong1 3 года назад

Wow, thank you for sharing. This is such a taboo subject and people get so uncomfortable to thank you for holding the space. If I heard this 10 years ago I was in such a different space and wasn't open to exploring this topic. For someone who is having unexplained infertility struggles this sure does open my eyes to having more of these open conversations and I commend anyone who is as open and honest to choosing not have children. Not just being one sided in the conversation either having both Pro's and Con's to this topic. Thank you.

@vanessaandxander 3 года назад

Thank you for watching and sharing your experience ❤️

@fatihanusrat5584 2 года назад

This is incredibly beautiful. Thanks for sharing it!

@vanessaandxander 2 года назад

Thanks for watching Fatiha!

@hannahcollymore7376 3 года назад

Really appreciate your transparency on such an important and overlooked/misjudged topic.

@vanessaandxander 3 года назад

Thank you, Hannah!

@ThePoppyProjects 3 года назад

I love how open and honest you both were about this topic. It was like looking in the mirror and seeing me and my husband. We feel the same exact way!

@chelseachelsea465 3 года назад

Hi. I don't want children either. I hear you!

@sharnimaisey6890 3 года назад

Good on you...I regret being a parent.I have mental health issues that I did not know about ( undiagnosed). May you stay as happy together as you are now and thoroughly enjoy your togetherness for ever.Not only partners fight over kids, in-laws and siblings also weigh in on issues. Life has enough challenges, yep this world is not a great place!

@skadi6750 2 года назад

I just want to send you a hug. I feel like you really need it:-)

@laduralamayimba 3 года назад

Just imagine my mother in law has 10 children is like she had one every year, i'm like how did she do it, i have 2 and i'm going crazy. I seriously don't blame you is hard having kids specially in times like this.

@imogenoneill1017 3 года назад

Wow this is me. I got married when I was 23, met my partner as a teenager at high school. I also assumed because we met young we would wait a bit and as I got older, the desire for a child would come. But now I am 32 and it still hasn't come. I don't think it will...and now we are both saying we don't actually want kids.

@vanessaandxander 3 года назад

Thank you for sharing, Imogen ❤️

@jacquelinewood5023 7 месяцев назад

I just found this video and it has given me such a sense of relief that I have been desperate to find. The way that the two of you explain your reasons for not wanting children as far as to simply say, you lack the desire to have a baby, has supported every feeling that I have in a loving, understanding, and empathetic way. I have struggled with this feeling of needing to have a solid decision, but feeling conflicted, because even though I feel I do not want children, I am terrified and saddened by the decision, which therefore makes me question the choice I’ve made for myself. Thank you both so much for putting this in such an empathetic and enlightening way! You have done so much for me in this 17 minute video compared to the sessions I’ve had in counseling trying to figure this out.

@vanessaandxander 7 месяцев назад

We are so glad to help! - Team V&X

@evaramirez879 3 года назад

“We’re crazy” 😂😂😂😂😂 I ❤️ it! My husband and I are super tight and Are always together. We genuinely like hanging out with each other and don’t want to have kids. We ❤️ our life!! 🙌🏽

@saneill17 3 года назад

Am I the only one who feels sad when people you know announces they’re pregnant? I feel bad for feeling disappointed, I know I should feel happy but I always feel this deep sinking feeling in my stomach. I’m not really sure why...is it because I feel like I’m losing another player for my team and eventually I’ll be standing on the childfree side by myself? Is it because I feel sad for the things they may not accomplish in life and missed opportunities because they are choosing to have a child? Is it because they still feel too young in my mind to be taking on such a big responsiblility because I can’t imagine ever feeling ready for that? (Even though they’re definitely old enough and capable enough when I actually think about it). I’m not really sure, but am I alone in feeling this way?

@dorothyallen2478 3 года назад

Omg I get the same way!

@vanessaandxander 3 года назад

People who decide not to have kids face a lot of judgment, so I think it makes sense to want to have people on your "team". Ultimately, our goal is to encourage everyone to make the decision that feels best for them!

@LostinFantasyx3 3 года назад

I do too! I get sad for all of these reasons. Then question why they are doing this!

@Harunna25 3 года назад

Hey! It had happened to me several times too. Even tho in my case is not that I feel or think they are missing on some opportunities, I just feel more like "Dang, bye bye to our friendship as it was prior to you becoming a parent". like I know it sounds bad, but I think is because I have seen some many of my friends say things like: "Nothing will change" "we will forever be the same" and till today I haven't been able to get a single night out with them... Or a trip to just have some fun because you know: kids! They can't be alone or it cost too much for a nanny so it's never possible. They also have changed themselves, (always tired, busy, not interested in much different than "priority stuff" for their new roll) which I completely understand and respect, but yeah I wish I still had my friend who was so different before. But I feel deep inside I'm just sad to lose another friend and like you said to be alone in the childfree side with no one in my "team".

@MJ-zh4el 3 года назад

Yes! I had this happen just the other day. It's not that I'm not happy for my friends, but the whole "team" sentiment is exactly how it feels.

@anavaleria8443 Год назад

Thank you so much for sharing this. I find myself nodding and agreeing with everything tha was being said. Especily loved the part where you guys share all the things you'are gonna be missing out. Really vulnerable and sweet ❤

@vanessaandxander Год назад

We're so happy you enjoyed it!

@audreypearson1458 3 года назад

Brilliant balanced truthful video as always. You are both a very appreciated part of my life. 💖

@vanessaandxander 3 года назад

Aww, AUDREY! Thank you!!

@myriahstevens7276 3 года назад

Thank you so much for sharing this beautiful video 🤲🏾♥️

@vanessaandxander 3 года назад

Thanks for watching!!

@mafepa 3 года назад

It’s not an obligation...AMEN!

@ClearBlueSky1 Год назад

Very very recently decided to be CF and so relieved to see such amazing videos talking about it ! Thank you so much for sharing something that makes you guys feel vulnerable but definitely needs to be said ! Much love to you guys ❤

@goddessreverierosehawthorn3724 3 года назад

Lovely video. My husband and I are getting pressure from his family as they would be first time grandparents. But they have 5 other children lol. They’ll have to be patient. We’re just the first to marry. And at this point, I’d prefer adoption in 5 years or so if we decided to have kids. (Disappointing people is a given when you’re different.) If not....plenty of other life aspirations to tend to. It’s just not a do or die thing for us. Cheers, guys. :)

@ChildfreeFamily 3 года назад

Thank you for opening up on this topic and sharing your personal stories. The childfree community needs more voices.

@sng9846 3 года назад

I really hope to find someone who isn't obsessed with having babies because I'm not too fond of the idea, I hope I won't have to have kids for the heck of it one day because my husband wants kids 🙄

@1beefybroad 3 года назад

Make that decision for yourself, and yourself only! If your future husband wants kids, maybe he’s not the right guy!

@Childfree334 2 года назад

@@1beefybroad I was going to say the same. Too many miserable women walking around on meds because they had kids for someone else. I guarantee you those same husbands don't even help out that much with the kids.

@nazneenbegum3383 3 года назад

you guys are really good human beings I must say.

@nessparadis6948 11 месяцев назад

This was a fantastic and thorough video! I enjoyed it.

@kathleend8611 3 года назад

Completely honestly-this was important for me to see as a woman who DOES have 2 kids and wants a 3rd but whose partner is done. You guys were able to get into more detail and were much more open about it than my husband is able to. It puts everything into better perspective for me because you were able to so gently and vulnerably express those feelings. P.s. I grew up with godparents who chose not to have kids. They got those judgements a lot back then but I always thought it was so awesome that they KNEW themselves enough to make that choice 👏

@vanessaandxander 3 года назад

I'm so glad you enjoyed! Thank you for the kind words!

@lunamaharuni 3 года назад

I had three children and always wanted a fourth. My husband said NO. I'm 50 now and still feel I was supposed to have a 4th child. Something .. Someone is missing .. I've come to terms with it.. But the feeling will always be there

@Childfree334 2 года назад

@@lunamaharuni I don't blame your husband. If he and 3 kids are not enough for you then tough. I would have left you for verbalizing such thoughts to me if I were a man.

@lunamaharuni 2 года назад

@@Childfree334 you're silly

@Childfree334 2 года назад

@@lunamaharuni No YOU are silly. What kind of woman can't be happy/satisfied with a husband and 2 children? That is a lot more than millions of other women have. Some people can't even have ONE, but you are STILL not satisfied with 2 healthy children. I wish your husband luck. 🙄

@fionakiely3505 3 года назад

You two are so thoughtful. I'm so glad it's becoming more accepted to make this choice.

@christinatee9922 3 года назад

This was VERY helpful for me. Thanks so much for your honesty and sharing your story!!

@hallig6270 3 года назад

This is such a well done video. You not only went over your reasons for not having children, but also included what you feel you’ll be missing out on. Thank you so much for this balanced video. Really helped me on my journey to decide whether I want kids or not!

@vanessaandxander 3 года назад

Thank you so much for the feedback! We're so glad this video helped you.

@phumimthimkhulu8330 2 года назад

Hi, I'm a single woman and I chose not to have kids in africa, were by the society / tradition expect you to have a child. I'm grateful for your video. Thank you

@vanessaandxander 2 года назад

Thanks for watching. Glad you enjoyed it!

@studyingeducation8438 Год назад

Right bow the economy is shit.

@hoctheravada 2 года назад

I am adding another perspective into this discussion. This year, in March, my boyfriend’s father died from cancer at the age of 51 when his mother (my bf’s grandmother) still being healthy at her 90s. Watching her watching her only son fight cancer and eventually pass away is just an eye-opening experience in my life. There is nothing more painful than watching someone you love, in this case your child die in front of you and you can’t do anything to help. Life is an endless vicious circle, birth - growing - sicknesses - death. And there is myriad of people during their time on Earth, they contribute nothing to this planet except more carbon footprints. As I turn to Buddhism this year as a conscious way of thinking and living my life. Let’s face it, the world is a mess right now, with left and right attacking each other, your kid will be born and brainwashed no matter how try you try to shield them from all the nonsense. What is the point of bringing up a person and later on telling them not to trust everyone because many of the people out there are evil. You kid would be thinking “then the hell why you brought me to this world when you already know how ugly it is?” So not having kids not does only just benefit your marriage life but it also the most benevolent choice that you make for your unborn baby. I cannot choose to be born, but certainly I can choose what best for the world and my never existed child.

@inshanity84 Год назад

"I am adding another perspective..." Proceeds to agree with all the posted comments haha

@InventiveFilms 11 месяцев назад

Yeah their are also people that die alone without family around. So I guess at the end of the day their are pros and cons.

@tdillins 2 года назад

Good for you two! I'm still conflicted internally on this topic.

@prdwij1396 3 года назад

im happy that you have found each other with same idea.♥️im so dissapointed that my boyfriend has been living with me thinking that i would change my mind with time.

@Missingyouforever10 3 года назад

I am still young (25) but I always wanted kids growing up. My best friend had a baby when we were 21 and I had such baby fever. However, I am so happy that I let that pass and my partner and I did not try to have one ourselves. It’s crazy how your thoughts can change so much. I know We still have time to change our minds but for now it is a no from us. I love that I can spoil my best friends son. Our parents have always been “when r u having babies” “I can’t wait to be a grandma” but just last month my mom made a comment that she is knows she might not have grand babies from my partner and I and I was very grateful that she will be stopping with the “when r u having babies” question. Lol.

@moiralove 3 года назад

I think this is a great, open and honest discussion about your decision, and I really appreciate your sharing on such a vulnerable topic. At the same time, it would be really nice if there were an acknowledgment that having biological kids isn't the only way to become parents - there are all kinds of adoptive families, and a new child doesn't always even mean a new baby. So that desire for parenthood can look different for different people. It makes total sense that these would be your reasons if the route to parenthood you've always considered is biological, but I wonder if you could also help open the discussion for people who either aren't able to have biological children (e.g., same-sex couples, people with fertility challenges) or those who know they definitely don't want biological children but are still considering other routes to parenthood. Anyway, thanks again for sharing!

@vanessaandxander 3 года назад

Thanks for the feedback! You're so right, it would've been great to acknowledge non-biological parenthood because that is the reality for SO many couples!

@andreavarano7297 Год назад

Thank you for being vulnerable to share.

@vanessaandxander Год назад

You are so welcome! Thanks for watching!

@yeshwonnth 3 года назад

Wow, that is a very brave & encouraging from your side to take such a bold decision. Best wishes to you both for a beautiful & blissful life together.

@vanessaandxander 3 года назад

Thank you so much!

@nazneenbegum3383 3 года назад

yes it is very brave decision

@piamp1454 3 года назад

Great video! Thank You for Your honesty! ❤️

@nickivodopianoff2239 3 года назад

My goodness you seem like such wonderful people. All of your reasonings pros and cons align with mine and my husbands. Big decision and you both should feel proud and relieved! 🥰

@vanessaandxander 3 года назад

Thank you! ❤️

@Finding_youssef 2 года назад

Thank you for sharing this I wish you a happy life together

@vanessaandxander 2 года назад

Thanks for watching!

@MrDakada 2 года назад

The fact that you guys mentioned the environmental impact and what world your child would live in, touchs home because that's exactly how I feel and why I don't want to have kids. You guys definitely earned a sub! Alot of respect and I could only hope and wish to achieve a relationship like yours! Be happy, be healthy, and spread love ❤.

@smar4433 3 года назад

Having to weigh this up myself... but I like my life and don't fancy further stress and less money...

@MeetThePassis 2 года назад

Thank you for so real and vulnerable.

@vanessaandxander 2 года назад

Of course! Thank you so much for watching!

@lorenalorena7078 3 года назад

I agree. I never wanted kids and ended up having my son. I have him because my mom begged me to give her a grandchild. After I had him I got my ovaries removed. Even though I have my son who is a loving blessing.. I will never have another!

@mish255 3 года назад

As much as having a kid sounds cute I think it was kinda of selfish for your mother to make YOU have a kid all cause she wants grand babies. Although I know you love your son always make sure your happiness comes first. Much love to you ❤️

@lorenalorena7078 3 года назад

@@mish255 you really warmed my heart. You are appreciated. 😇

@veroniquecastel9582 2 года назад

What a very selfish thing of your mother to do. So gross that she dictated what you should do with your own body. Shame on her.

@Childfree334 2 года назад

@@veroniquecastel9582 I say shame on the OP for caving into her mother's pressure. She must be dependant on her mother financially or something, because all a grown ass woman has to do is say NO and cut her mother off. My mother would never have the audacity to do that to me because she would have gotten a nasty earful. I'm not carrying and birthing a baby no matter what anyone else wants or says.

@amandaspaintinglessons9908 2 года назад

I hope your mother paid for everything AND the kid's college wtf!

@teenkingzz5825 3 года назад

You cuties ♥️ Stay happy dappy always✨May God bless u both!

@RUINEDxGIRL 3 года назад

As someone who did want 2/3 kids. I now have 1 and don’t want anymore. Hated the baby fase and didn’t enjoy pregnancy that much. I got a lot of weird faces when I told people I happily brought him to daycare and love my own time. Even got the “but you do love him right?”. Yes I love him to death but that doesn’t mean I have to enjoy every second or it’s not hard. He’s now almost 3 and it’s def easier now but the whole first year was horrible for me. People expect you to be this perfect parent and love every moment, but that’s not real life for me. Again. Love him to death but the first year def made me think like hell no to more kids. I totally get why people don’t want to have them and it’s completely your own choice. I don’t regret mine but that didn’t make it less hard. My son is def the highlight of my life and couldn’t imagine my life without him. But that isn’t the case for everyone and that’s okay too!

@vanessaandxander 3 года назад

Such a good point! Thank you for sharing ❤️

@edgar22452 3 года назад

Agreed

@yourgirlshani 3 года назад

Thank you for sharing this.

@Sarahhh_Klein 2 года назад

This video makes me feel so much better about myself thank you al much for sharing

@vanessaandxander 2 года назад

We're so glad to hear that! Thanks for watching!

@AnotherFontenot91 3 года назад

I cannot thank you enough for making this video. It's the first one that I can actually relate to. The very few Childfree videos I have seen, the woman has known from a very young age that she didn't want kids or the classic career woman which is amazing but that wasn't me. Like you and your husband, we married very young and have been together since 2008. We both talked about having kids and wanted it but both agreed at a much later time. First it was after my husband got out the Marine Corps, then it was after he finished college, and then....we ran out of excuses to kick the stone down the road until we finally said "Is this what we want?" I love kids but like you Vanessa, I don't have that urge. My husband and I are happy to spend time with each other. We have 3 furbabies, love traveling and enjoy being financially stable. It's not completely off the table but we are fairly certain we will be a childfree couple. The only thing that breaks my heart is not giving my parents a grandbaby. Exactly as you said. I have always imagined surprising them with the announcement and picturing their faces. I hate that I and they would miss out on that but they have already assured us that they support our decision. Anyway, I'm sorry for the long ramble. It's just so good not to feel alone in such a huge decision. Thank you for being so open.

@vanessaandxander 3 года назад

Thank you SO much for sharing ❤️

@brave_dreamer652 3 года назад

It's only your life and your decision I guess!)

@saneill17 3 года назад

The one thing I cannot wrap my head around is when we get called selfish for not wanting kids. What is selfish about it? It’s just a life choice. And if they mean I’m selfish for not giving up my freedom and happiness to care for another person, then they should tell anyone who chooses to not work in nursing or aged care they’re selfish too lol. My best guess if that they’re subconsciously envious of our freedoms without children and are using their personal sacrifice to justifying their decision. Whether they admit that or not. But luckily it’s only a few people that will call childfree people selfish. Most parents are pretty chill and understanding about making your own decision for your own life and body.

@saneill17 3 года назад

Also, the “who’s going to look after you when you’re old” argument is so strange to me because I’d never expect anyone to look after me...I’d even feel bad being in a nursing home lol. I’ll be that stubborn old lady in her flat refusing to go into care 😂

@vanessaandxander 3 года назад

Totally agree... I don't understand how it's selfish either!

@dergluckliche4973 3 года назад

Wasn't even a discussion in my .marriage. Neither of us like or want kids.

@lenzcliff6298 3 года назад

Lucky you!

@Nadine-bx2dg 3 года назад

Unfortunately it's difficult to find people that don't want kids, specifically if you live in a Conservative area like mine...

@chiemekaabiaka1480 2 года назад

must be nice

@moniashek2137 3 года назад

You guys are awesome! Keep it up

@maecatalina3967 3 года назад

Aww if you guys are happy that’s the most Important thing 🥰 nothing wrong with not having kids xx

@stevenswiel8015 3 года назад

You are correct and if people want a casual relationship is also fine

@kellybird3367 3 года назад

I can relate to this. I’m married and neither one of us have had the overwhelming desire to have kids. People think this was a simple decision but we’ve actually discussed it at length and really looked at pros and cons. We even took a look at our debt and our budget and our career situation so we could make the best, educated decision. We decided it wasn’t for us, and I feel like I’ll be spending a good amount of years defending that decision to nosey rude people who feel it’s appropriate to ask!

@amberdimichele169 3 года назад

Thanks for sharing!

@PowerOfAIandMotivation 2 года назад

Amazing you two are beautiful, I'm 100% pro child-free because in my experience ever since I remember I never felt anything for children. Thank you for sharing. Wish you two and all good & respectful people, all the best🙏🏻

@vanessaandxander 2 года назад

Aw thank you so much for your kind words!!

@taylorreneeyt 2 года назад

You hit it on the head with “every child deserves to be deeply wanted.” My boyfriend has a daughter and we don’t want any more children! You wouldn’t believe how many people try to convince me I will want some “of my own”. It seems weird to people that I just simply don’t have the desire! But that’s really the only reason I need.

@Adithkhan 3 года назад

Awesome. I agree, sex life is very important for me too. Could you do a video on birth control methods that one could use at the start of relationship, as well as in a long term relationship?

@Marie-og6bx 2 года назад

Thank you so much for talking about this. Too many people feel pressured to have it or still believe the myths about how fulfilling. There are too many people on this planet already, and there is no need for all of us that do not feel the desire to have it. PLEASE make more videos about not wanting to have children.