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Don’t deal with those people. Which job sends out paychecks when the person show up for work? None. Relationships are just as transactional as work, except we exchange with time, respect, mutuality etc. Don’t entertain people who disrespect your time, and they’ll soon leave because they didn’t get what they wanted. Most people have discarded the ways of Godly living, and look what that has gotten us. If men had no choice but to get married to get their needs met, they’d have no choice but to straighten up for marriage. Hooking up has made bad behavior and bad character an epidemic.
I met a guy at work a few days before New Years Eve (I'm a nurse and had seen him around a few times--he was a radiology tech). He was nice looking, employed, seemed fairly intelligent--there was definitely a spark on my part. So I invited him over for a very nice dinner (I'm a good cook). He didn't bring wine, flowers or anything, but we had a pleasant evening, with no sex. It was nice and he seemed to enjoy himself. . Our next date was at a popular brew house with good, moderately expensive food. I ordered a very moderate meal, so did he. Then the waiter brought the check and set it on the table. CRICKETS. The waiter stood there blocking the exit. Talk about awkward. Finally, my dream date said "Oops, I forgot my wallet". I paid. On the way to the car he said he would write me a check. I waited a few days then called him and told him to forget it and said goodbye. Then the dumbass calls for another date. I said I didn't think we were compatible. He asked "Is it about the money?" I figured he's was so absolutely clueless it would be a waste of time telling him he's a classless sorry excuse for a man, so I just said again we seemed incompatible and I felt no spark, no connection. He said he was sorry and asked for another chance! I said "Gotta go, I'm getting another call", and BLOCKED HIM. A man with any class at all would still have sent a check anyway, even if he had no chance. Sometimes spending New Years alone isn't such a bad idea, but I'm glad it happened. It raised my awareness and made it easier to separate the wheat from the chaff (there's a lot of chaff out there). BTW I actually found a prince, he was worth waiting for and kissing a few toads). We've been together for 14 years now.
Wow. That is so low for a guy to do that to you on a 1st date! & he worked with you? How could he not hang his head in shame. Glad you found the perfect guy eventually.
Yes but she could have handled it even better by telling him the truth (i.e. that he wasn't a gentleman, that he had no manners, that he behaved like a parasite, etc ) instead of coming with that fake generic response of "We're not compatible". Not to mention that this type of response implies that it's her fault as well - that she carries part of the blame as well, which is obviously a nonsense.
@@24wallachian Yes you're correct. Just curious...can I ask if you always have the presence of mind and poise to say the appropriate response in such situations at the moment they occur? I sometimes find myself just too gobsmaked or flummoxed by a persons behavior in the moment to say anything! 😂
I’ve been married for 40 years and gradually saw my spouse behave in ALL these ways. He’s been using my strong skills in finance, investing, organizing, parenting, planning, negotiating and more for his purposes. I left two years ago. Should have done it twenty years ago.
@@grandmajane2593 A decent man to me hasn’t been born yet..most have vile little habits and a man child ..the idiot I’m with atm.is a perfect example ,I’m a shit magnet..but not for much longer.
Good for you. I had a narcissistic pos for 7 years. Looking back I was a compromising dink. With age, experience I blossomed without a man. I did remarry to a beautiful man with a big heart. I don't look back at my previous marriage as wasted time because my development led me to my forever love.
Simple advice here and you will NEVER get used! listen to his ACTIONS AND PATTERNS not his words! Do NOT believe anything he/she tells you!!! Believe what they consistently (show) you!!!
I heard this long ago from an older woman I trusted, and nothing is truer than this. "Choose the man that loves you, not a man you love. The man that loves you will go to the ends of the earth for you. A woman can grow to love the man that shows sincere commitment from the beginning. A man you love will love you only on his terms from the very beginning, and never fully will."
YES your friend was very wise. That is what I need to find. I am with the one I love but I am like the guy in the relationship doing things HE should be doing. GEESH. Too old for this.
Sadly a man could in the beginning of a relationship/marriage just be pretending really well that he loves a woman very much, which creates the illusion that he will remain committed.
I left my cheating husband 8 years ago. I’m now 65. Even a lot men in my age range could care less about a well rounded relationship that includes intimacy as well as family relationships, enjoying pastimes together, traveling, etc. All the ones I’ve dated were wham, bam and thank you mam! Not that I went to bed with all of them. 1 had me fooled but he was just a user. I’m done. Put a fork in me. The single life is much more peaceful. Lol
Yes, I’m in my 40s, and have left two abusive marriages. These guys are great at love-bombing us, fooling us, and then not letting us leave. Been single for 9 months now, and I’m loving it!
The fair weather boyfriend. Yep. I can spot a user IMMEDIATELY on dating profiles...it usually goes something like... Looking for a woman who: 1. Has her act together. 2. Isn't jealous. 3. Has a positive attitude 4. Understands I'll be fishing with my buddies every weekend. 5. Stays fit. 6. Has her own interests. And blah blah blah. He sets the stage to ensure you really don't bother him or disrupt his life in any way
Ugh! Me too! I was in a relationship where the guy said that I was his best friend, would want to be with me all of the time, did things for me and my family but would not commit. I wasted my time. Live and learn!
Yes, very true. Some men will complain about their issues thinking the woman will simply be ok with it. But in reality it can evoke a lot of negative emotion in her. It's not fair to expect a woman to be some superhuman who accepts everything.
If a guy says to you “you’re too good for me”, don’t think this is a compliment. What he’s really saying is, I will never be able to live up to your expectations of me as a man. He will take what he can while he can, but it will end….. when he consistently lets you down.
#10 the man who only expresses affection when he wants sex. He won’t hold hands when you’re out, he won’t even walk with you. The only time there’s a hug or peck on the cheek is when he’s leading up to sex. Not lovemaking
I agree! Sex and lovemaking are two different things. In my opinion, people mistake not being able to keep there hands off each other as strong chemistry, which may be true, BUT if you really care about each other, you will spend time getting to know each other before having sex, instead of going at it like a couple of horny teenagers the first chance you get. In that case, it's nothing but lust.
Many years ago a girl’s father always used to ask a man what his intentions towards his daughter were! Good old days, there’s a lot to be said for them!😅
Only if you were a guy Women were stuck in bad marriages They needed their husbands permission for everything People who call it the “good old days” obviously didn’t live through them
Also my (60) experience two month ago. After two month with a divorced Protestant Pastor (58) I had to cut the „situationship“! Now I realized: He only pretended to be in love with me, in order to gain kisses, sex, intelligent conversations (I have a doctor in philosophy/ he not!) … He was not able to be romantic, to share his emotions (?) and to understand me on a deeper emotional level. … I must have been in a rush for four days and nights; but after I questioned him about the character of our „relationship“ (350 Mails over two month, because of 400 km distance, 4 days & nights together) I had to cut immediately, because I felt deep inside very used and my trust in him was abused! Terrible feelings and inner struggles for me the last two month! But now I‘m more confident, to come over this experience and lesson of live! Don‘t give a man „credit“ (your full love, body) because of his profession as Pastor, Professor …! Protect yourself! This daily program starts in your mind and consciousness!
I would have never thought this was true except I've experienced it twice now. It's the Tinder culture in the minds of 60 and 70 year old men. Sex on the third date? Third? I don't even know you-sorry not happening!! I think I'll gladly remain single for the remainder of my life!
Older ladies aren't innocent my ex is 21 im 23 and the girl he left me for is 30 when I was with my ex she tried to come in-between our relationship and do so many horrible things now they're together
This is why I'm happier choosing the single life than giving into manipulative men. Sure you might get cuddles sex and some free meals but it ain't worth it. Only brings heartache. Stay strong, even if it means staying single for a while. The right person will find you. Never lower your standards.
@@TheRealBookofJoshua So many women can’t understand why they are 40 and alone, and desperately seeking for a man to have a baby with them. Men generally don’t want to start a family with old women, it’s just not how we are are meant to be.
Was married to a covert narcissist who did all the right things but lived another life in secret. Those take detectives. They are terribly destructive against you and the kids when you do find out. A life of sorrow. Be careful!
I am 66 yo and had 2 marriages 1 of 13 yrs, 1 of 18 yrs, 3 long term relationships, some short term. I am happily married now for 3 years. If hes good looking, Beware. Pay close attention to what happens in the beginning. If you dont feel appreciated, you feel used and know deep down you are not a top priority, regardless of how you feel about this guy, dont waste any more of your time, move on. You dont want to miss out on that man that truly appreciates you and shows it because your wasting time with someone that never will.
that certainly can be true but on the other hand believe me when i say women put too, too, too much significance on the man introducing him to his family -it often means NOTHING. -yet the woman believes its a sacred threshold shes just stepped over.-its not.
A guy must like/love the woman more than she likes/ loves him. Sad but true. If this is the opposite, the man will use up all your youth and leave to be with the girl he WANTS.
Pleaaazzzzze keep in mind. Any man who does do this is a LOSER and he didn’t use up your youth. He wisened your present. He is the one who “wants” a naive and shallow woman. He cannot “use up” you and then find an amazingly wise and intelligent woman. He will find someone who matches his immaturity. A girl. Not. A woman. Regardless of age. You are the wiser. Remember that. Nobody has the power to be told he took or used. He educated you for someone better. He can only choose someone that will put up with his games regardless of their age.
This almost perfectly describes my last relationship. Never talked about future plans, only invited me out with his friends when they asked “where’s your babe” & every single time we met or saw, no matter how short, sex was always involved. It started out fine, made some future plans, planned & went on dates & just spent time together… after a while the excuses started, always busy, always working, always doing something else even when we had previously made plans for a particular day, something always came up & he would never bother to rain check… just wouldn’t speak to me the entire day, not picking my calls & all that. Now I just regret how silly I was thinking it was love lol. After we broke up he said he knew I would find someone better & he’s right. I will.
People use people, family, friends and men have all done this to me. It wasn’t until I was able to place firm boundaries that I’ve now denied access. It only took 40 years 😂
I hear you... Just wondering why it takes us so long, I guess it's because we do the opposite of what the users do... Care, support, love and hope for the best.... Sadly.
That stinks, but now you know. Sadly, many users are out there. People have seemingly lost sight of the fact that love gives and serves...Thats why the rare couples that make it are still together. They honor their partner, cherish their commitment, invest in it, make it work. Other people trade partners in like they are cars. Gross.
For me as a woman who's gotten burned in one way or another by both sexes, it's PEOPLE in general you should be aware of. Manipulators come in all forms. But yes great message. Thank you.
Yep, men or women can show these kind of traits. I've seen it in both. Like it's just one gender only. Maybe we should call it narcissistic traits in a relationship.
Yes. Both men & women. I've had friends that don't ever call me just to check to see how I'm doing. I'd be the one to call. I don't know what that's about. Perhaps I'm just too insecure to step out & make new friends.
@@spirited6086 That seems to be way too common these days. My husband and I were always the one's to check in with people and see how they're doing. But people often don't bother to see how we're doing. No effort made. Unless we pretend we have a car to give away. All of a sudden everyone has something to say. There was no free car. We were just checking our settings on Facebook.
When I was young I had an office job. I volunteered to go to the coffee shop to pick up the coffee for the other girls. One young lady started a habit of saying "I'll give you the coffee money when you return". Of course when I handed her the coffee she would say, "oh, I'll get it for you later" and then it was forgotten. She got free coffee from me about 3 times when I said I decided I didn't want to go for the coffee anymore. I did'n't have the nerve to ask her or confront her outright. I was a real puss!
I’ve learned all of this over the years but to all the young women out there listening…please know that everything he says is the TRUTH! Also, never have children with a man who always puts himself first. There WILL be a divorce and it will be horrible. And he will probably skip on the child support.
That last one makes me cringe. What else do you expect? I know men that worke their asses of, live in a caravan, never go on holidays and are still unable to pay the whole amount.
Thanks Brian. I found your videos when I was still trying to get back with my ex, and now that I'm in the best relationship I've ever had with someone I love with all my heart, I still watch your videos. This one in particular reminded me of the 3 months or so after my ex dumped me where we were continuing to sleep together, but only once every 2 weeks because he just couldn't squeeze in any more time to see me. 🙄 it's amazing the shit we put up with when we think nobody else is going to love us.
Thank God i always hated these traits in men and never hesitated to walk away. Subtle signs or loud ones, i detect them all. Thanks for helping women protect themselves 💛💛💛
Thank you for posting this Brian. Many men (and surely women too) are finding this "use and discard" type of behavior normal nowadays. This is because of the rise of the dating apps and the need for instant gratification and for everything to happen quickly with minimal effort. Then as soon as things go slightly wrong, people discard their relationships - which were not relationships to begin with - in favor of finding someone new and potentially better on a dating app again. Some people are in a so-called stable long-term relationship and never leave the dating apps. It's a sad situation and I'd love to figure out how we, as a society, could fix it.
Very accurate, In the old days before smartphones and Apps a relationship grew slowly, the separation between dates could make the union stronger, today dating is like visiting the supermarket you browse and pick something from the shelf and if you don't like it you quickly discard it and pick something else. We live in a consumer society where everything is disposable that has filtered into relationships, which makes stable relationships hard to find.
I used to actively use dating apps but I no longer use them and I do not see myself using them ever again. It is all a facade and the people there are not ready or mature for true love. It is all a game to 95% of them. I'm glad I'm not on it anymore. It's such a waste of time.
No man likes to see his partner cry, the problem is what he says it does when you do cry. Things like, don't greet in my face, you need to learn to toughen up, come on now, you can't let anyone see you like this. Having a good cry is a really good way to make yourself feel better in some situations. Holding it in can be very bad on your central nervous system
What's wrong with that? There's nothing wrong with that. When I cried to my ex he didn't even care. He doubted my tears were real. He didn't hug or comfort me. If he had told me he wants to see me smile trust me that would be better.
I have been with that man, all 9 traits. Somehow it carried on for years and actually there was controlling behaviour too. Now I have met the complete opposite to that. This new person who came into my life is everything you say “a man who loves you,” should be. I feel like the luckiest, most blessed person ever to have met him. He is my world, my safety, my best friend, my hero my everything ❤❤❤❤❤
Girl have some more self respect. No man should ever be your everything. Don't put people on a pedestal and always be willing to have the dignity to walk away.
*Hot dinner on the table, massages on demand, you're always there supporting him, but he leaves you on read consistently and changes the topic when you ask about his Christmas plans..* I think it's important to have a serious conversation about what you're looking for and see where it goes from there. Always be prepared to walk away as painful as it may be. Loved this video. Always an inspiration for my own channel 💕
@@Couplescience he's a very lucky guy. I think someone not taking a woman out for fancy dinners is not necessarily a deal breaker if he's showing he cares in other ways. Especially in this economy. But it's very painful when the relationship is one-sided.
@@rustyrules4264 Let me get this straight. He was cutting corner with is wife. Left her and married the other woman. Meanwhile, he was wining and dining her. Did I understand it correctly?
3:29 amen to that, it’s hard to find a person who actually cares about the persons heart and soul anymore, its mostly about physical attraction and what you can offer them in a relationship.
This is so depressing. Listening to this video I realize that ALL of my exes have been doing one or more (usually more) of the things you listed. This is sobering and kind of disheartening. Thanks for this painful but necessary wake-up call. I think I better stay single from now on... 💔
How sad is to realize you married a person that is described on this video. Thank you for your video, I left him but it's always so good to know I made the right choice.
Many years ago, I was in a nightmare relationship with one shit of a man. He was fine for the first 3 months, then it all hit the fan. I found a way to get rid of him.. So glad I did. He got into my bank account and drained it out...!! He's been dead for 25 years and I still have nightmares from his terrible behaviour.. !!
What gets me is when men who are age 50 + still act like players !! I’m 50 years old and this is what I see so often in the dating scene, I respond immediately by excusing myself whenever I see the man is in player mode, and I thank them for meeting then I call it quits .. Like, when will they grow up ! When we are age 50, we might have not more than 20 years left to live ! So are they in player mode for life ?! Grow up ! Ideally, we grow in great wisdom as we age !
Blowing sunshine up some guys behind to inflate his ego is NOT going to happen! Don't need any extra baggage to carry around for any man. I'm a 67 year old widow who learned the hard way...
Wow my ex checked all 9 of these points. Lousy family, with a high and mighty attitude. They all treated me poorly and I didn’t know any better in my early 20s. Now I avoid men who even slightly remind me of him, and that’s for the better.
They only ever put in any effort if they want something from you. Then when they get what they want they go back to ignoring you. Inconsistency is an immediate red flag 🚩
You forgot the guy who is looking for a maid/mommy figure. I just dealt with that type. He expected me to clean his car and appartment after the second date. He was a slob and I believe was starting financial abuse because he would pay for expensive dates then expect me to clean for him in return.
5:52 is so quickly mentioned but it deserves so much more attention as a general topic: men who drive recklessly while you’re a passenger have no respect for you! I’ve been with abusers who drove like shit with me, even after I told them to slow down or stop tailgating. I’ve also dated decent guys who started the relationship driving like maniacs, but stopped when I asked them to, and continued to be safe drivers during our time together. The guy I’m seeing now did not have a working passenger seatbelt the first time I got in his truck. He was picking me up and offered to let me drive since the drivers side had a good seatbelt, and he would take the risk in the passenger seat. That was a Saturday. By Monday he was offering it up for sale (it had some other problems, so it made sense to just get a new vehicle). That’s what a good man does when you express a complaint about safety while driving.
I had a user and didn't even realize it until he broke up with me. I was mourning a dog I had for over 13 years and had been really sad. It wasn't even two weeks before he broke up with me. Man I hate that I gave my heart to that heartless bastard. 🥺😔
Isn't it a bit crazy that there's this stereotype of women being excessively sensitive, getting upset for the smallest thing, and yet, by watching these videos, which many women seem to learn from, we get the impression that there's this tendency of not noticing or not paying enough attention to a lot of things that one would be right to get upset about
Great point. It’s because we’ve been told our emotions are meaningless-so we discount them. Yes emotions need to be connected to reality and intuition but women have been taught they’re OVERLY emotional when that’s our guidance system-intuition when we’re in balance.
@@juneelle370 the reality is, women have been gaslit for the last several millenia in a patriarchal society where men's irrational emotions are continually given cart blanche while they expect they can get away with it, purely down to entitlement rather than actual being decent people! I also think that mothers in Western society have been too soft on males growing up. If you look at males in other cultures they always put their mothers 1st & work for them with the mum as the boss from day 1 whereas Western culture totally pampers boys until they are adults so many of them are totally immature. If you look in nature, all mothers will always teach their young from a very early age how to behave. If mothers in Western / Caucasian culture really taught their boys how to be actual men instead of spoilt brats from the age of dot, then we probably wouldn't live on such a f***ed up planet. x Just look at global conflicts around the world, all full of entitlted d***-head men acting like spoilt brats who never grew up. If their mums had basically taught them how to behave from the age of 2 maybe things would be different. You look at cat psychologists like Jackson Galaxy. When he deals with f***ed up cats, he always comes out saying the same thing. This cat was not taught how to behave by its mum when it was growing up until the age of 2 months. Get that. Cats are taught by their mothers to grow up & how to socialise without p***ing other cats or humans off by the age of 2 months! & human males to this day think that acting like immature brats is somehow normalised purely because there are so many of the immature chimpanzees taking up positions of power in governments & militaries around the planet! Personally I await the day of the global feminist uprising to take back control & put all the man-boys in their place. Guys like Geert? I will let them be on advisory committees of how to give advice on the female side, as a sweet but also exceptionally decent guy, so I'll let him off when the time comes lol. :-D
Please post the "9 Things" on the screen or at least post the numbers visibly on screen so that we will know when you are transitioning between the different thoughts.
I've seen too many men like that. Users. Takers. No integrity. No givers. Not invested emotionally. No sense of commitment. Even narcissists. All this even though I established boundaries they didn't respect, even though I have high standards for my own behavior and healthy self-esteem. No thank you!!! I'd rather stay single.
That’s why I left 3 months in. I was fully invested and treated him with much love and respect. He on the other hand? One foot in one foot out with bare minimum bread crumbing behavior. I caught up and left. Not worth the heart ache and I’m not going to stay devoted to a user man.
The best way to know if a man really cares and loves you is how he treats you when you are unwell. It is the same way a man can know if his woman loves and cares about him, how she treats him when he is sick.
This is why I split from my husband. I got had a health crisis and he responded by keeping his distance and going out four times a week, while I was alone.
This is exactly me in my current relationship 🥲. Everytime I call it off, he pretends to be good & changes for like a week after which he goes back to the old him 😭.
leave. the person will never change. will say can’t change myself won’t be the same. will be hard but in the end ur heart, sanity, family and others matter
Just leave him. I hate when women do this to themselves. I get we don’t choose who we love but you yourself know it’s not right. And you’re here watching this video. I literally just ended a situation ship with a narc after finding out he was in a 6 year relationship. He treats the girl like shit and she still took him back after me and her talked about it. You’ll end up stuck if you don’t leave because of “history”. You deserve better
This can also apply to a married couple. A husband can get tired of his wife and still use her. Doesn’t want to lose her, cause who will do all the work
I have dealt with a guy that had all 9 of these combined 🤣 It was during a time where I was broken and emotionally struggling but I thank God that He helped me come out of that funk AND lose the loser. I’m so much better now in so many ways and free from that horrible relationship. This was a great video that will help so many folks. Thank you!
I entered into a relationship recently which i promplty ended because he was using me a sounding board for allll his problems. It was very one sided. I felt drained after every interaction with him. And when i ended it he just said "thank you, being with you made ME feel better...." wow. Good for you buddy.
I’ve decided that if they don’t show me through their actions that they’re serious, consistently for a certain amount of time, they don’t truly care. Some men just want to see what they can get from a woman, with as minimal effort as possible. Some men go for women who they don’t truly love but are just settling because they don’t want to be alone. Many can fake being emotionally supportive, they don’t actually care but they want you to think they do.
I had a guy who liked me, but didn’t want commitment. It was so confusing because he gave me so much and treated me so well. He was using me, but didn’t show the signs of not caring
I suggest that you better judge his words and deeds with your heart, because I have just experienced a boy who is very similar to you. I finally trusted my instincts and cut him off around four weeks. Turns out he's a liar and a player
I realized in my youth that men were looking to use me for whatever they could get, so I cut them off and chose a solo life, knowing I would always be real to myself. I’m not lonely, I made the right choice for me. I’ve almost never seen a man who truly loved a woman, you know, real love. The passion is weak or flighty.
Well, something that I learned is that social relationships only work when all people involved benefit from them, if you also use the men that want to use you, then that is not using anymore.
I have the best husband in the world! Seriously. Going on 42 years. He is the best. I love him so much. He is the most thoughtful man. He has made me a cup of coffee every morning since we been married. Just so thoughtful and loving about everything. We have always gotten along so well. Has made for a happy life. I don’t need holidays, or special days. He has treated me like a QUEEN my whole life. So sweet and thoughtful. And we get along SO WELL, all our married life. I can tell him ANYTHING. He is my best buddy too. I truely believe. NO RELATIONSHIP should take that much work! If it does, it’s not working. I’ve seen so many men and women be SO DESPERATE to have relationships. The fast zoom into it . People don’t take time to get to know eachother. AT ALL.
I'm so happy I'm single especially after reading comments i get flirted with a lot but tell them I'm just not interested it's so much fun being single coming and going on my terms no drama it's just wonderful being independent..
Also watch out for narcissists (both sexes of course) because they will pretend to be your hero and to genuinely care about you, and they will future fake, etc... They will even 'commit' to you.
I met an emotionally unavailable broken man who never asked me any questions. I was confused why he wanted to see me again and again 😅 until I learnt he needed someone in his bed.
This guys is SOOOOO Spot On. Thank you I was dating a guy for 3 yrs and when he proposed I actually sat down and realized HE would be the biggest mistake of my life. I always wondered if I made the right decision. I did thank you for this video.
I went on a date with a guy who was introduced to me by his cousin that I went to college with years a go. I was not attracted to this guy 'coz he was too skinny but I was bored and decided to date him anyway. The guy was very upfront about his past. 46yr old. Married twice and divorced both times due to him cheating. He made it clear that he was a player. But he said he is changed because he is getting old. I told him I wasn't looking for a husband. Fast forward, we go on a few dates then I invited him over to spend the night. The sex was epic. OMG, we continue seeing each other. He pays a lot of attention. Calls me every 2hrs when away from each other. Takes me out at least once a week. Spends a lot of time with me on his days off. Helps transport my kids when I'm busy. I asked myself, how is this guy a player if he is doing all the things a boyfriend should be doing. Then one day I grabbed his cell phone thinking it's mine. He was lying right next to me. He was texting back and forth with this hot chick, maybe in her 20s, complementing how beautiful she is . He had sent 200$ to another CHICK. This guy was a toxic mess. I never looked at his the same way again. I ended things after dating for 1yr. People can be so fake.
Why would you give him a whole year knowing he was a player? When you said you didn't like how skinny he was, it was that you actually saw he had nothing to offer and it came true in real life.
I invested 2 yrs of my life with a skinny guy I was not attracted to but he was cool to talk to and chill with. I reasoned that it’s not his fault that he’s so skinny lol. Anyhow he thought he was the shit and so handsome. I felt like I wasn’t good enough. He was a waste of time and glad my eyes opened up. He said the quiet part outloud: I’m on the lookout for something better. That was all I needed to hear that my gut was right, he was using me. So I ended it. 2 yrs after our breakup he called me to tell me he made a mistake and would like to see me again. Oh well, too bad, so sad, I was engaged. I wish I could have seen his face when I said those words. All he said was oh shit. I waited too long. These immature manboys are players and always lose at their little games.
Whoa, this s huge wake-up call baby , that definitely hit home I feel good about watching this video frfr I’m so sorry if I ever made you feel like that ❤sincerely
I experienced this with my first boyfriend. He told me everything I wanted to hear for the first three years of us dating. The one part that still confuses me about our relationship is he would ask me why I wouldn't just "let him in all the way" and trust him when I took my time to get to know him until I felt comfortable knowing I could truly trust him. He showed me how little he cared about me the second he started getting what he wanted from me. But him asking why I wouldn't let my guard down had me thinking he did actually care about me.
Same here - I see most of my middle aged divorced friends being used, exactly as described but they just don’t see it, even though they’re confused and upset (and off load on me sometimes) yet refuse to see the obvious! 😢
I can sooo relate to this. My "user" was very good at hooking me in then telling me that we would have a future when I behaved in certain ways. Looking back I realise how manipulative he was, however at the time I couldn't see it. Eventually, I finished with him because after 2 and half years he was still playing the same game. I couldn't see it going anywhere and I didn't want to be on the receiving end when "Miss Right" came along. It took me years to get over but I am married to my best friend now (have been for over 20 years) and difference is that I am at the heart of my husband' decisions. My regret is spending so much time with him and not valuing myself higher.
Notice, there are a lot of coaches teaching you how to get into relationship but not many talking about how to recognize toxic behaviour and how to get out of those types of relationship.
Wow. I had a conversation once with my ex regarding my car breaking down. I asked him if I could call him to come get me if I broke down and he said no. He said “that’s what AAA is for. Call them and they could help you more than I could”. After two years together, and me ALWAYS driving to his house, I asked him if he could please clear out a dresser drawer in one of his three dressers in his three bedrooms, and his answer to me was “I will try”. Yeah. He used me. 😢
My ex from years ago, and I didn't live together. He had moved back with his parents when I downsized renting property. Went from a 2 to 1 bed to save money. So he moved back in with his folks. I didn't mind the long-distance because I'm independent and don't always need someone around, but he always visited, when it coincided with business meetings near where Iived. I told him once, I feel like a bloody hotel because you only seem to visit when you have business here. He didn't like that one bit. Long story short, the asshat ghosted me after 6 years together. I'm kind of glad he did it because if I was still with him, I probably wouldn't have bought my own house because he didn't believe that buying a house was a good investment even though his parents were telling him to do it. So yeah, it feels shitty being used, but sometimes good things come out of it as well.
sounds like the perfect narcissist because it's all about him. Mine dint even care i had to use the restroom and kept walking around this place where there was no public restroom and he invited himself to my day out. I drive and picked him up- i need to care about ME for once.
I always tell my friends it's not your job to fix a broken man it is not your life's purpose to help him have faith in women again. That's his path alone. Y'all can circle back when he has healed.
Awww. For the women in a tough breakup or going through a divorce....the last part of this video is really sweet. Thanks for putting that in there. This advice is really amazing-the last great book I read years ago that offered advice from both male/female perspective, "He's just not that into you," was harsh-but true. Thank you for putting out content & writing books related to this topic. Really glad I found this channel.
If you meet a guy that don’t put you first above his friends/freedom on the weekends run don’t walk. It took me 40 years to figure out that my high school boyfriend just used me all of these year. Never has it been just about me. It’s about having a person to cook, clean, raise his three children well four including him. Not one Birthday Party, Anniversary celebrations. No vacations ever planned with just us, he doesn’t like going to the beach. He won a cruise to the Caribbean 23 years ago for the two of us, that’s the only vacation that I’ve been on, I don’t consider camping a vacation. He goes on hunting and fishing trips that uses he time off. I use to love it when he called me “Babydoll” now it just makes me cringe when I hear it. “Babe can you do me a favor” means he wants something from me. And “I Love You” is something I told him years ago to say before hanging up the phone in case something happened to one of us, now it just routine with no meaning to it. He’s good at it and I have fallen for it for years hoping that he’ll be in a good mood and thing would start changing. I didn’t know that walking down the aisle when I was so young would’ve turned into a life sentence. He makes me go to his doctor’s appointments with him so I can explain what the doctors are saying. Where was RU-vid when I was young? Thanks for the videos.
Yes, I think there was a generation of us girls who just didn't get any education in the ways of the world. I never knew men used women. I believed them when they made promises. I didn't get educated until it was too late to have a happy life. I think I needed a strong father to tell me all those things to be aware of.
I went through this with a narcissistic husband for eight years and now waiting for divorce to be finalized and started a better relationship with new partner and we very compatible. Thank you for sharing this message I hope it helps a lot of people.
Wow the last one - point 9 - was my ex to a tee!! Split up with his wife & was clearly looking for a therapist & I was the sucker who fell for it! Once I’d help him heal, he moved on & it hurt like hell as I was invested in him. Wish I’d found this channel 2 years sooner but better late than never!! Thank you ❤
This video reminds me of a friend who was propositioned by a man in the grocery store. She has a son with disabilities, who was with her that day. The man, a complete stranger, came up to her and basically said that his wife had died, that they had adopted five kids with disabilities, and that he was looking for a new wife. Wow. I wouldn't have been surprised if he had said something like, "You look like a hard working sturdy young woman who can cook and clean." So was he looking to use my friend?? I guess so! Whether for the sake of the children or for himself. I also know a young woman who was SO excited when an old crush started corresponding with her. They wrote letter after letter. Email. After a time, he invited her on a trip that he was going on with a married couple. Again, she was thrilled. Then she realized that he had never asked for her phone number. That he was only writing to her when he was at work- never from home. That his letters were shorter than hers, and he even complained a little that hers were too long. That the subject of the letters was most often what he thought about things, with very few questions from him about her. But she went on the trip, and he basically ignored her most of the time. Or snapped at her when she tried to figure out why he wouldn't talk to her in person. When the trip ended, he said he wasn't interested in writing any more. The whole thing confused the living daylights out of her. When she got back, she was an emotional mess. I think the guy was a narcissist. I highly suspect that she was basically being used as a distraction for him at work, and then as a stand in girlfriend so that he wouldn't feel like a third wheel around his married friend on the trip. After it was done, her usefulness expired, and he dropped her like a hot rock. I think it took her well over a year to get over it. He broke her heart. I really wish women weren't so agreeable and that they wouldn't let men get away with certain things like this. Even after it was over, and she knew he was a creep, she kept trying to "understand" him and would blame herself. The subject of him would come up over and over for a long while. I wanted to shake her. (And punch him in the head.)
Thank you 🐸 You're videos always make me think, yes it's true these signs are like beacons of flashing lights... But when our emotions are involved our judgement can blur what is obvious to others outside the relationship... Thank you Brian 🤗
When I saw your speech like « if he really loves you he wanted to be your healer and your protector « this words inspired me with strong feelings in my soul… you are seriously good person and therapist! Sometimes we don’t recognize to be used, but we need to notice. And maybe users have no capacity in thinking other people’s heart. Appreciate your video!
I've had marriages proposals and long term relationships with men that were using me. I was the one refusing them and explaining them that I was aware they weren't in love with me. They were denying it vehemently but failed to convince me because, you know, proofs like the ones you mentioned. I think the only men really loving me were the ones I haven't been with. It's easier for a man to idolise someone you're not with and to take for granted the woman who cleans his bathroom. A couple of my exes are still looking for me. I guess they ended up being alone. Actually a man can marry, have kids with you and stay married while having affairs and never be in love with anyone but himself. Sentimental maturity is underrated nowadays. Well, actually I really believe love is a social construct. Attraction is true, but it passes and freedom for a woman is irreplaceable
Re: cleaning bathrooms, I have come to the conclusion that it is disrepectfull for a man to not rinse his beard shavings down the sink and peeing on the wall, missing the toilet is a bad thing. Everyday I had to contend with that. Sometimes I'd just leave the shavings in the sink, but he never noticed.
Thanking you Mr. Knox. I had just released myself from a man who had ALL of the 9 signs. I had been living with him for 12yrs.And wished I could have seen your videos sooner. Your confirmation is invaluable just the same.
Thank you Brian for being an eye opener to women who are in a relationship with a manipulative men. This will save a lot of heartache. These women naively believe that he will change one day, but believe me it won't happen.
Just ended things with someone I had been seeing for nearly 6 months. My spidey senses had been going off for a long time but I was being too nice I suppose. Genuine, good hearted people take awhile to figure out that others are not what they seem. I wish they would stop wasting our time...
Thanks so much for posting this video. It's confirmation that this guy I've been seeing has done pretty much everything mentioned. I've been very understanding, but for the most part, I don't even bother asking him to spend more time with me, because I don't want to be used.
My now ex-husband had bought me a 6 pack of socks for Christmas and said he couldn't afford anything else. He spent $200.00 on the people he worked with. * One year he bought me a bill keeper, a cutting board and an apron for Christmas. The last Christmas there were 3 big boxes under the tree wrapped in beautiful aqua sparkling paper with huge bows. When I opened the first one it was a wire basket with tracks that go inside a kitchen cabinet for storage. I said are the other two the same he said yes I left them under the tree untouched. He was a cruel man.
1st of all, great video, thank you so much for sharing. Truly helped open my eyes. Upon reading all these comments, of men and women meeting these kinds of "covert users", I have to say it is just sad that these users don't realize how much of their own time they are wasting. Not being honest, not being committed, giving minimal effort, saying things you don't mean, being self involved, NOT making that person you're with a real friend, even if you don't consider them your best friend, keeping them in the dark... it's such a disgraceful and hindering way of life. Everything you're using people for, you are missing out on getting naturally from a balanced and open relationship. What I'm trying to say, is all these users are really causing the same damage to themselves and wasting their own time as well, which is why these people and their attitudes are so pointless/useless. They're digging their own holes and hoping to bury others along with them. Very depressing and juvenile. These people need help and should be cast out of society and friendships until they face their actions head on with responsibility. Also want to agree with anyone that noticed that the familes of covert users play a huge part in being ENABLERS of this behavior and shutting out the other person not in the family. When you meet people like this the only solution is to pick up the pieces, don't expect or look for closure, remind yourself how much you love yourself and keep going. Don't settle, don't fall for it when they ask you back. These people don't change. They've gotten away with being like this before and will do it again. As far as playing hard to get goes, so that you can keep their attention, in my opinion any relationship you have to pretend you're something you're not in order to keep the other person's interest, is a failure. If men think this way as a default, then they are failing themselves. Relationships with deep soul connections are so much better, mentally and emotionally, as well as sexually. Let these immature and desperate people go.
Always knew that something was wrong with my relationship with my ex but I couldn’t explain it to others he was always so good at manipulating me now I see how much of a user he was always putting his family friends before me and I am always the bad person for wanting him to be in our relationship thank you for helping and understanding
Same, I went on a first date with a guy where I made it super frugal! Just met for smoothies. He had me go first to order and stayed far back so that he didn’t pay. I was like, “Red flag!” . If you won’t or can’t pay for a $6 smoothie I am not excited. We didn’t go in a second date, it was such a turn off!!!
Also please keep in mind that a user will never stop. You can't change them no matter how wonderful you are. It has nothing to do with your worth. You could be the most beautiful, successful, funniest, fun whatever that they'd ever hope to meet, but they will still be looking, still be using you and still emotionally abuse you. They have and will do this to anyone and everyone that happens to be unfortunate enough to cross their path. Even if they do get married at some point or settle down, the relationship will never be balanced and he will more than likely emotionally abuse, cheat and take, take, take in the relationship. Once you get out, don't let them keep you on the string to pull back in or pick up and put down like a bored toddler with an old toy, because they will if let them.
They want all the goods bits but deep discussions are out of the question as they make him too uncomfortable. He'll promise you the world but it never materialises. You'll tell him something he does makes you uncomfortable but he still does it regardless. He devalues your opinion and invalidates you at every opportunity.... And the list goes on.....
I did find a man that had from 2 to 8. especially the emotionally unavailable part and always about him. I felt like crap after he discarded me. Its been 6 months of no contact and at times I still cry from the humiliation. He was seeing his ex the whole time he was gaslighting and love bombing. Videos like these are great, I've learn so much, thank you.
Allow your time with that type of man to heal your attachment issues. Your insecurities and negative core beliefs will be triggered. Recognize them and work through the grief process. Process your traumas, learn to bring your energy back to yourself and your own goals. He will return. You may put up with his bs a little longer, but don't beat yourself up. Just remember the more you process your issues, the more you will be repelled by him with each passing day. Eventually you will shut the door for good. Best to all.
ME TOO :-( HELP! want to end it because I am being gaslighted by this narcissist who I thought I was in love with we do only what HE wants to do nevermnd me always driving and paying my own meals etc.
