'Wife Mad I Won't Use Brother's College Fund for Us' -- Reddit Story 

I understand the wife's pov.. however... the husband put away that money for his brother before the wife came into the picture. So it was already intended for something else. It seems wrong to go back on his end of a deal. Idk I say keep it's original purpose.

The siblings are amazing doing that fir their brother

honestly it be fucked to take the money just when he’s about to start school

If they're struggling already, would buying a home make them struggle even more? Such as like renovations, fees, homeowners insurance?

I understand the temptation to reneg on the agreement to put the brother through college. However, if HE keeps the money then that would give the sister (in a worse situation economically) a pass to ALSO reneg, and then the brother ends up with No college fund, which defeats the purpose of putting it away for so long in the first place.

It was never hers, it was always Toms, she needs to stay in her own lane. She gets no input into arrangements made before anyone even knew she existed.

Honestly I think it’s a huge f you to both the sister and the brother if he chooses not to pay his share. From the sister’s POV, I’m sure she would’ve been happy to spend that money on herself but it sounds like she is going through with her commitment from what we know. And then if only she helps, the little brother still has half his costs left. He and his sister made a promise to each other and I think he should keep it

What makes the wife think they can afford a house after spending all their money to buy one? They're barely making ends meet already, and a house is only going to add more. Their house WILL be foreclosed on unless one of them gets a pay upgrade as well. Sounds to me like the wife comes from a well-to-do family and isn't used to anything less than her own multi bedroom house.

The wife and a lot of commenters are missing a big point. His brother is like a son to him. I have two siblings I am well over a decade older than and it’s NOT a normal sibling relationship. It is more similar to a parent child relationship and he made a commitment to him that he should follow through on. The money won’t make or break them. As a homeowner if they’re breaking even with renting they’ll probably end up worse off after purchasing a home in this market. Down payment and closing costs will deplete that cash relatively quickly and they’ll be left with nothing to budget for property taxes, homeowners insurance, emergency repairs/replacements, and the cost of moving alone. He’s a CHILD and his brother has an opportunity to help break generational curses by doing what he promised to do.

The wife is out of line. He did this for his brother 20 years ago. It’s wrong to try to talk him out of that

I also really disagree with the idea that owning a house is not a big deal… homeownership is one of the biggest ways of passing down generational wealth in the US. Also there is only so much personalization you can do in a rental& you have no clue what you rent will be in 5 years but you know when you have a mortgage. There’s a big difference. I agree it’s not the wife’s money so it’s not her call. If homeowner is something they want it is a big difference tho.

NTA. The wife is disgusting expecting that money for herself. What an amazing brother he is to Tom! He put that money away for his brother when he was a teenager!

the wife should be so proud of the man she married instead of coveting that money

I understand what you are saying about buying a home, but the whole.point of buying is that you own the property which can build lasting equity and be passed down. You can't really pass down a 4 bedroom that you've been renting for 4k a month. All your money is gone

I wanted to make a comment about the saving money renting vs owning. Although your comment about saving “hundreds of thousands” in renting may be true in some scenarios, but what owning a home allows is a fixed payment for the next 30 years (assuming 30-year fixed loan). Example, you rent an apartment for 1100 a month, you lock in that rate for 12 months with the lease. Lease renewal comes and the apartment increases it due to inflation to 1600. And then 5 years from now that same apartment is 2100. Now you have to choose to either move (which has its own costs) or pay more. You buy a home that year and your mortgage is 1100, it’s that payment amount for 30 years. I think the idea that homes are “a good investment” is a bad idea, but buying a home to protect yourself against inflation especially when interest rates are as low as they’ve been is worth investigating.

Nope that money was intended for the brother. Stick to it and the universe will reward you

Two things I see here, when he made a savings account for his brother, why didn't he do the same for himself? I don't think it's right to covet the money that was set aside for the brother. In first instance, the wife was not counting on that amount of money. Meaning that their future plans must have been set without including that money. Hence they don't need it to live. The compromise here is to divide the money that's in his own account. Working a little bit more they can complete the money needed for a new house. Not giving the brother any support (as she is referring to) would be a d*ick move.

I am glad he has also created savings for his kids the same as he did for his brother. Listen give the money to the brother. Buying a home needs more money and more work. Buy the house when you have the money and income is good

With the tenancy laws as they are, owning a home is a massive advantage. Take it from someone who is in their thirties and has little to no chance of owning a place. Renting is a huge stress factor. Still, the money should go to the brother.

Okay, but if they're struggling so much for money why are they having a second child? Child care is crazy expensive! That can be twice the cost of rent for two young children.

Being honest owning my house has saved me way more then when I was renting. It might not work that way for everyone but in my case im lucky for this.

No. I can understand why his wife is stressed, but it's unfair of her to demand that of him.

As someone who is poor, buying a house won’t fix anything. It just doesn’t. Bc now you have property taxes, extra elec and water bills and possibly living in a HOA just so many fees come with owning a house. You’d burn through that few thousand really quick. Wife is an asshole. Sorry but she is. The sis is worse off and could use this money but she’s giving it to him. And it’s not a half half situation. It’s Toms money. Also she’s right. As someone who rents, it’s cheaper to rent than pay the massive amounts for a house, but then again I live in Canada so it’s different. A standard house in Whitby a town close to me is upwards of a million dollars.

it would be a real sad case if they gave the brother the money and he decided he doesn’t wanna use it for college anymore though

i def understand the wife's perspective & i don't think she's being a dick at all. that being said, the $ was saved for op's brother and it should go to him now that he needs it. it's a tough choice but the right one, imo.

OP was not adding money all those years, it was invested and grew, the money should have never been discussed as a choice because an agreement with OPs sister to give the same amount to Tom. OP and wife need to see about their loan status to buy a house, because you have to qualify even if you have a down payment. Tom has been conditioned to believe you don’t take out loans for school because he is poor, it happens in poor families

Lol sometimes the way they talk makes it clear they aren't married, don't have kids, or own a home. All those things make you look at these situations a little if not a lot differently

it is really sad, that education in the US is expensive. i mean... there are people who can't go to the university because they are afraid of the loan. What is wrong with the US?? why does it require money to go to college? why is education not free??? How is this a country with the phrase "the american dream"? I would never move to the US and I wanna know whats so good about it? And I mean, another reason than the cheap gas prices and the free refill of softdrinks. 😆

I’d say the wife isn’t a dick (although I still think the money belongs to Tom) renting is a larger risk In my opinion, I rent and so do most of my friends. The home my friend rented a while ago the owner stopped paying the mortgage and she was evicted without a stable place to go because the owner just pocketed the rent money and there wasn’t any legal recourse for her and her three daughters. So while the money belongs to the brother the wife isn’t being a horrible person by asking about this (although if she makes it a make or break issues then that would be a different circumstance.) That being said if you’re doing this nice thing for your brother maybe your parents can do you a solid and provide free childcare so you can save those costs for a down payment on a house. Even if they work maybe they could help at night so you and your wife could get a second job to help save for the dream of home ownership. Good luck to you OP this is a beautiful thing you’re doing for your family.

I don’t think anyone is the asshole here. They’re breaking even as a family and he has two kids of his own to take care of.I guess the wife feels like they should be the priority. If he had other money saved that they could use it would be different but they don’t. Obviously the wife would feel more secure if she and her fam had a home to call their own. But I totally understand why he wants to help his brother and it’s very honourable of him to do it even though he isn’t doing well for himself. Just sad that it might mean they never get a family home.

I know this seems kinda off topic, but if I could get the link to that economist's article about renting versus buying I'd appreciate that

Considering they each put In 2000 in the beginning I think it’s fair if they both kept 2000 leaving the younger brother with 36 thousand in total. It gives them a little money to either invest more or pay off some bills ahead of time? Without feeling guiltily about it not being there’s to keep

If she wants to get a house then she needs to find a FULL TIME job , she needs to work for what SHE wants

NTA. He put the money away before he ever knew her. He’s trying to break the family curse of poverty. Imagine the blessing the brother may give their own children in the future for their education/other because his siblings did this for him. They are viewing the brother like their own child because of the age. I’m 15 years younger than my oldest sibling and his children I view as younger siblings and actually put things aside just for his kids/grandkids and my husband is aware of this.

I see where the husband is coming from as well as the brother that doesn’t want a loan. But honestly to make the money go further, he could get a loan and slowly pay it off with the money saved. So by the time he graduates he’s able to pay off any extra with his higher paying job. And for the wife, it’s not her money so

This wife is a fool. If this man can turn around a little bit of money in a decade one time He Can Do It Again.

Owning a home is not always more expensive than renting. Yes you have upkeep and stuff, but it is an investment you can possible get back down the road if you decide to sell. You will never get your rent payments back. Also, with the price of rent continuously going up each year. A mortgage can be cheaper than rent if you buy a home in your price range. My husband and I’s mortgage for our 3 bed, 2 bath home on half an acre is less than we paid for a 1 bed, 1 bath apartment.

NAH I can see where the wife is coming from. She doesn't want the money for a vacation or something frivolous. She wants to be a responsible mother and partner by taking care of their immediate family. But OP had this plan for his own money before she ever came into the picture. This sounds like a well-considered plan by him and his sister to provide for their little brother. It's a rough situation but I don't think she's the asshole just for asking. Now if she tried to take the money anyway or escalated the fight, then that would be getting into asshole territory.

You may save hundreds of thousands renting, when you only consider apples to apples (rent vs mortgage plus maintenance), but not when you factor in the equity that your home builds, and most importantly, the stability that homeownership provides. No one wants to move every couple of years whenever their landlord sees fit, and also, your mortgage never changes as long as you don't refinance. Rent increases yearly. Please stop telling people it's not beneficial to purchase a home!

Wow Imagine someone loving you this much? ❤️ Also imagine such an entitled wife! Wow

I would consider anyone trying to repurpose a kid's college money for anything less than a life or death situation a huge red flag. If they were on the street and needed to pull from it to get off the street? Or if someone was dying and needed money for medical care? That would be one thing. But as neither of those is the case, I'm side eyeing the wife super hard. There's a certain type of family member who, when they know a relative has money they act like they're entitled to it. I've had relatives do it to me, and I've seen it happen to friends. I'm not saying the wife is that kind of person for sure, but I am saying if I were this man I would be making sure she has NO possible way to access those funds behind his back.

I’m sorry but why do people have kids if they can’t afford them

That makes no sense. His parents are poor. He had scholarship offers...yet can't get grants, work studies, and loans to go to a local college and even commute if necessary?? If this is in America, I don't buy it. I knew several ppl who literally got a check of grant money back each semester....and at the end of college owned basically nothing....maybe just a couple thousand on FAFSA loans. My parents made too much money for me to get grants, but I still was able to get enough loans to get though a master's degree....soooo....

I’m torn on this one. If they were married without kids, it would be more cut and dry. But when you mix kids in, when they live paycheck to paycheck, then yeah this money has bigger implications and I don’t think the wife is an asshole for basically asking what his priorities are: his brother’s education or his children’s day to day. If they live paycheck to paycheck, they’re not going to be able to save $4,000 ($8,000 if they want that amount for each kid) in a year and invest for their kids. That also doesn’t help with getting a mortgage, unless they’re going to buy a home in 20 years when they’re in their 50’s/60’s. Rents can change every year. Mortgages are fixed (at least you SHOULD get a fixed rate). Mortgages also keep you in a school district, unlike rent that can get more expensive in an area and push you out of that district because you need something cheaper. Depending on circumstances, sometimes getting a mortgage is much cheaper than renting. It is more expensive to rent in my area for the last 15 years, even including fees and taxes.

No one’s TA in this situation. If anything, I understand the wife more than the husband. It’s not just about the fact they’re struggling as a family and he’s giving money away to someone who’s not promising a return in any shape or form. It’s that, when it comes to kids, unexpected complications come up all the time. What if he pays for his brother’s college, and then one of his kids gets cancer a few months later? That may never happen, but that’s the expectancy any parent should have with kids. It doesn’t matter what his initial intention was with the money, and it definitely doesn’t matter if he sees his brother as his son. The fact is, Tom has two living parents, but OP is his children’s actual father and he’s choosing a favourite child over them

It would have been great if he invested money for himself back when he did that as well

Can you link the story so I can check for an update?

and his kids don’t need to go to college?

The brother gets the money and spend everything in one week 😅

GIVE THE MONEY TO YOUR BROTHER!! Or you , your sister and your brother sit down and have a conversation about things. And personally I Honestly I think it’s far more beneficial to buy a house than rent but that’s just me. My monthly mortgage is far less that what most others are paying in rent. The thing with renting is you are at the mercy of your landlord. If your landlord is a good person than you are ok but if you rent from a company than they don’t care about you. Plus once you pay your house off you can sell it or leave it to your child so you have something you spend 15-30 years paying for but your children once it’s paid for benefit from that. Buying a home is a investment that you are able to get some kind of a return on if need be but renting you can get kicked out and then you have spent thousands investing on a place that you don’t own.

Economic breakdowns I have seen on buying vs renting assume you die in your house and therefore don't account for the huge benefit of being able to sell and pay for a nice nursing home if your health declines towards the end. Even if you do die in your house, you then have an asset that can be passed down creating generational wealth. According to these ecomist's theory renter can have equal or greater amount saved, but savings get spent in silly ways.

I don't think either are the assholes. I can see the wives pov. But it is Tom's money. Hopefully one day he be able to pay them back

Am I the only one who DOESN'T see where the wife is coming from and sees her as greedy? The money was a pre-marital asset set aside for the bro, she knew it prior to marrying him, she chose to have children they cannot afford, etc.

I really agree with the verdict but I think it's unfair to call the wife TA. She's just scared for her future which is a very fair fear, but I also think that he should give the brother the money.

You aren't, but your wife is!

I think he totally yta. Let me explain, he is not responsible for his brother. He is however, responsible for his own kids and his family. His wife and kids should be his number one priority. It's not fair to his family just for his brother. I really don't agree with the idea of siblings taking care of each other. Ur sibling his ur sibling not ur kid. Ur kids come before anyone else

I understand O.P’s point but I agree with the wife on this one. Putting the brother through college is the parents’ responsibility. They should have been the ones to invest that $4k. The wife is right in saying that O.P’s responsibility is now herself and kids. As O.P said, buying a house will put them in a better position financially. If the younger brother expects to be paid a good salary after his degree then he should be willing to borrow that money to put himself through school.

The wife isn't a dick for not wanting to live paycheck to paycheck ('we will be barely breaking even') with 2 children. It's about priorities. He is not the A for prioritising his brother and his promise. But he is putting huge financial stress on his family by spending his money this way and she is allowed to take issue with that. It will be many years until they can save any more they will be delaying buying and have the stability and saving power owning has over renting. (edited after hearing update)

I'm going to have to disagree with you guys here. The wife is NTA, the husband is very light TA. Tom is going into engineering. Straight out of college he's going to be making at least $50,000, most likely more. OP's family is barely making it money wise with one kid and are now expecting a second. OP has $20,000+ and intends to give 100% of it to his brother because his brother is scared of student loans. I think ideally OP gives Tom half, keeps the rest in the investment account. He has an obligation to support his family financially, not coddle his younger brother from experiencing student loans that he likely will have little issue paying off. It's ridiculous that OP is lighting his family on fire to keep Tom warm and getting praised for it.

If the account is in his name, and they are married, isn't entitled to half of that? His intention could have been to save for him, but as they are married, they have common assets. She's entitled to have the profits at least. And I'm sorry, but when you marry your primary responsibility is with your family. They should not buy a home, but he cannot give all the money to his brother. It doesn't matter if she promised, she has the legal grounds.

Also Tom could join the military free college

I would give the brother half the money and use the other half to give a down payment for my house. Win, win...

I think I am the only one who actually somewhat agrees with the wife. Buying a home is an investment for many people and is something they can pass down to their children. Its important to take care of his younger brother but he also has a family and kids to think about. It’s so kind of the siblings to want to help put their brother through college but If the younger brother is smart and has the willpower he definitely doesn’t need 40k to go to college. As a low income first generation student myself I know that even with out money, if there is a will there is a way. You don’t need to take out loans to go to college you just need to seek opportunities on campus and fill out scholarships. Encouragement and emotional support is so much more important and if he wants to give the brother even only 25%-50% of the saving that is already a huge bump up! Both dreams are definitely a possibility!

Idk...I see the wife's point. Tom can get a loan.

College is not a right. It is something you work for. Time and time again studies have proven that people who work their own way through college get better grades than people who get things handed to them. I love my siblings but I will always put my children before my siblings no matter what.

Their own kids should come first 100%

I’m sorry… it’s kind of ridiculous to refuse to take out loans. This kid’s stubbornness and lack of compromise is causing these problems for everyone. It’s ridiculous to expect to go to college and leave with 0 debt. OP is definitely the A. The wife is totally justified. They didn’t expect that return on it like they said, so it’s bonus money. How I see it, that kid’s entitled to the $2,000 each. If they choose to give more, that’s their right. He has a family and other priorities now, he doesn’t have to let his family’s mistakes cost him his current situation.