couple tattoos with your ex? 🚩 r/AITA | 1 800 Drama Podcast 

Oh my god, that's hilarious, I /just/ wrote the same thing because that's also my favourite malaphor. Same brain lmao

Why is this so wholesome?

@@freyacrooke4008 malaphor twins!

My favorite is "we'll jump that shark when we get to it" so very similar!

Love a good fun fact (and that’s a great malaphor:)

It literally *SCREAMS* that this is a repeated pattern of behavior 😿 for the OP to literally respond that they have had to mask their own feelings over the years because otherwise they'd be the target of gaslighting...poor dear!!!

Good for OP's boyfriend in the first story for supporting OP.

@@Scatscar1985 Agreed! He must have been FLOORED when he saw all this unravel in real-time!

The family's Gaslighting is bananas.

@@therewillbecatswithgwenhwyfar at this point it's so ingrained into their relationship dynamic with OP that they'll likely NEVER change...I can only hope OP can cut ties with them enough that their bullying tactics no longer have as much of an effect on her, and also hope that she cultivates a *found-family* that gives her the love and support she deserves

See this is how you do joke gifts

@bboops23 Yeah, my family is VERY practiced at joke gifts. Tho our most common one is to hide some gifts in other gifts like wrapping a computer in a sweater, so the computer is the surprise. Or one year, the majority of my gifts had a small plastic rabbit in them somewhere bc rabbits are my fav animals. But each gift was still its own thoughtful thing, just plus tiny plastic rabbit

The point of a joke gift is to make the surprise a happy one

@@ShortForMitchel my family likes to wrap gifts in layers of boxes and occasionally they put a clothing item over the last box to trick you, but the last box is always the big gift. So when you see a sweater over the last box you think of, they must have tricked me into thinking the big gift was in here. Good one guys.

I read your comment as cellophane and was so confused as to a) why your sister wanted cellophane and b) how on earth you do fake cellophane 😭😂

So important about discussing what happens around kids! It can become such a mess if one person wants to have kids while their partner doesn't but another partner does probably a little easier in a vee structure, less do in a triad 😂

Thank you for saying this so clearly! I also commented but it was more of a garbled ramble. OP is not in a good situation and unfortunately is probably going to take the brunt of it

Poly here and agree - this situation is red flag city. I'm not seeing much respect for OP's boundaries OR consideration for OP's feelings in this relationship. It reeks of "I'm gonna use poly as an excuse to do whatever I want without consequences." I know people who have lived with multiple partners, but I get the impression that they put in a lot of effort to be really considerate and thoughtful to everyone involved. Living with your metamor (partner's other partner) is kind of high level poly and often something people have to really work up to. Falling into bed with your roommate without first talking to your partner about how they would feel potentially living with a metamor when you're new to this is a LOT to put on a partner in a poly relationship IMHO, even moreso in an open, non-poly situation. If my partner prioritized my feelings so little, I would be definitely be questioning that relationship.

One other note I'd like to add, is that just because you may have discussed something once in the past, doesn't mean that it's concrete - you MUST keep communication open and discuss things as you grow together in your relationship. So it doesn't matter that you discussed it before, you have to keep having the discussions and especially BEFORE you do anything, especially if this time it's different (new emotional connections). I had a very similar situation and I'd say to OP get out now - it will only get worse from here because your partner is no longer taking your feelings into consideration and it sounds like they're going to do whatever they want without considering, let alone consulting, you. HUGGS!

Poly-adjacent as you described it is actually ambiamory. It's a pretty cool relationship orientation, imo.

Would it be okay to book the table nearby to listen and learn?..

YES!!!!!!! THANK YOU! I personally am not the biggest fan of joke gifts where the joke is “haha you thought you were getting something you liked, but it turned out to be garbage”, because that just feels pointless and mean. If someone wants to do a joke gift, it should be “haha you thought I would get you something bad, but I would never do that to you, so here’s your actual gift”. It should be a positive subversion of expectations, not a negative one.

peach and potato biscuits

I'm so sorry for your loss and how this other guy treated you 😔

Aww honey, that sounds so rough! Well done for getting through it, and hope 2024 brings you much-deserved joy. xox

I hope you get his tattoo re done one day (if you want) big and bold and full of love and you find someone who loves you and understands you have love for more than 1 person

It's awful all that happened, it sounds like you've really been through some much bad stuff... I'm glad you have a positive mindset for the upcoming year, I hope you can see how strong that is and that you're proud of yourself! I think lots of people would be so down, which would be understandable, so the fact you have that positive outlook is great imo. Good luck to you 🍀

I’m so sorry for you loss and for the horrible time you had last year. Try to remember that he is always there, even if it is underneath another tattoo, his name is still in your skin, a part of you. Good luck this year!

Now THIS is how you do a prank gift! Make the person think you got a bad gift then surprise them with a thoughtful one. Not the other way around

it's textbook gaslighting and playing favorites

Defining bullying. Pranking is supposed to be funny, but there is nothing funny about hurting someone’s feeling and humiliating them. I’m glad OP ended up having a good holiday period with her boyfriend and his family, and that she got the book she wanted.

Definitely. You cannot be in a relationship were the other person doesn't want to hear how your feeling about this situation and for the so called partner to say we've discussed it when he may have said all they want and it's done means he doesn't care enough about his partner to be honest with himself and OP.

That story really hit home for me too. I was in OP's position about 20 years ago, where I wanted to respect my same-sex partner's ethical non-monogamy standpoint. All her other sexual partners were with men i.e. not same-sex. She would also talk about having kids, particularly with the man who ended up being a romantic relationship. I did my best to respect her views, but it did make me realise that sex for me is an emotional connection, and that I am not suited to poly relationships. It's heart-breaking, but when the *one* person you love is clearly (falling) in love with someone else, it can be better to let go. I do wonder whether OP's partner was taking advantage of OP's disability to just do what he wanted e.g. You can't satisfy me because disabled, so I *need* to go elsewhere. What about OP's needs, especially emotional needs? It can be extra-demoralising to be a disabled person in a relationship with a non-disabled person, as we're so often devalued as potential partners. We are extra-vulnerable to end up in abusive relationships, because we can easily be isolated and made to feel like a burden. We are desirable and are not a burden, we deserve love and respect. xox

@coleenocasturme I hope many people will read your comment, you express it beautifully. I really hope OP will realize that he is worth being loved the way he wants it to be (monogamous) and will find a relationship more suitable for him. Because in this situation, I don't think anyone is actually happy. OP is obviously suffering from the situation but his partner must be too if he is trying to bottle it up. And the friend must also be unhappy since she has to stay sex friends with a man she clearly love and want to be in a relationship with. Everyone is miserable in this situation and everyone would beneficiate from a breakup

It's sad because OP lives with both of them. He either has to see the two of them in a relationship or move out at a time when he needs stability. I feel really bad for him.

@@alex_blue5802 Yeah that's true :( But sometimes moving is for the best

I genuinely think that masculinity as it is currently structured makes polyamory with cishet men almost impossible.

I think we have seen so many cults hiding behind god and polyamory to do horrible things to women and children, that we just see polyamory=non consensual, power driven, gross and unethical relationship between one man, and many women.. Personally i wouldnt mind being in a polyamorus relationship, as i am a female Bi/Pan asexual, in a relationship with a straight guy with a big sexdrive.. I love him to bits, but his need and my need dosent match, we have se tase in girls, and i wouldnt really mind having a girlfriend. We have talked about this for HOURS on end, because its not something you should just do. I have insecurities, i know that, and its something we would have to take slow and work through, but we are already doing that regardless of finding a 3rd partner or not. We have made some very clear agreements, with clear boundaries, and agreements, and we do check in now and then to make sure everything is clear. We can always take back our concent. But so far none of us have needed to go out and "seek" anything, so thats just fine. Its just nice to know how good our communication became and is from going through this kind of conversation :) Polyamory is not a bad thing, but as eveything is, can, and are being misused by gross, selfcentered people who dosent care about their partners but only their status in their community..

Polygamy and polyamory are two totally different things

While I don't have concrete proof, it sounds and feels very possible that that's where the majority of the bad rep comes from.

@@tammysantana7200I think OP knows that, but is suggesting that a lot of people conflate the two because their only exposure to non monogamous relationships is the concept of polygamy

I think when Shaaba used the word "hierarchy" she wasn't meaning in the sense of that particular polyamorous structure, but more in the sense of "this relationship is the established one, so the boundaries and agreements that have already been made need to be respected when introducing new dynamics." So more precedent than hierarchy. To clarify, even if Mer and partner wanted to have a non-hierarchical poly relationship of whatever nature, since they are already in a committed relationship to one another, they would still need to both consent to that and agree on the dynamics it would involve before seeking out/involving other people, which I think is what Shaaba was trying to say. This is all good information, too, just wanting to add a bit of clarification of my own. ^^;

Wow, thank you for all the info!

Oh good, was about to type a long explanation of some of this but you explained it better than I could anyway. Kudos

So I have constant conversations with my monogamous partner about boundaries, but I also know couples that don't. I also know poly couples who suck at communicating and really only communicate at couples' therapy. Communication is key in all relationships and while many poly people are great at it, many are not. My husband and I are the monogamous people in a friend group of mostly poly people. One friend who's poly has a contract with her husband because they want the basic terms laid out in writing. They update it at least once a year. Other friends don't communicate that they are poly upon getting into relationships then spring it on a new partner.

@@bboops23 I definitely believe that communication is key in any healthy relationship. Ongoing conversations about boundaries and all of that should be standard no matter what. I just haven't seen it in many of the monogamous relationships I was in or that I've witnessed around me. I'm glad that you have that. We are also the only poly people in most of our friend groups so I'm really only able to judge on what we have. I realize that gives me a biased view.

@@lindsayosterhoff2459 oddly I'm the opposite. I've met significantly more poly couples than monogamous. Most of my friends are poly and aside from two groups, the rest are a mess. One can't keep a stable relationship, another constantly lies that he's poly until after he starts dating his partners, another barely talks to each other and they are constantly on the verge of divorce, and another has said monogamy is a mistake meanwhile they have never been in a relationship and they are only into polyamory because they use it to get laid by the insecure partners they meet at cons. Every one of the monogamous people I've met aside from one is in a stable, healthy, communicative relationship, mind you this is like 4 couples. One person just got out of an abusive relationship and tried to communicate constantly. The sample size I have for poly couples is much larger and literally all but two are a mess. One person is likely going to marry one of his partners since the other is already married.

​@@lindsayosterhoff2459ahaha, yes I've seen the same with my friend groups, plus my own experiences of monogamy vs polyamory felt like they were at complete opposite sides with it - all the monogamous relationships were always such a mess, then after exploring polyamory even if the partners didn't work out it was always on good terms & spoken about /remained friends. I think a large part of it isn't monogamy per se, more so toxic monogamy culture that has been continuously forced

Thats make sense a bisexual in a monagamus relationship is not gay ore lesbian based one the partners sex and a hetro- ore gay person is not asexuell if they are not currently sexual active.

Completely agree and I'm surprised more comments haven't picked up on this, that story made me so so mad for OP. The "being loud in bed" when OP is right there especially.

@@crossbowss not sure if I'm reading too much into it since I'm not personally acquainted with any of them, but it also smacks of using OP's disability against him (BF is clearly weaponizing his own rampant sex drive as an excuse to get a "normal healthy" partner)...BF is now in a good ole CisHet relationship that he can flaunt publicly, and soon enough OP isn't going to fit into the space in any way, so by advice to OP would be to cut your losses and try to get a different living situation set up

@@crazycatchick4111 I really wish I could see the best in people involved like Shaaba and Jamie, but I certainly wouldn't be surprised if ableism and transphobia played a part in this. Nothing about this situation makes me think this is polyamory, and I feel like thinking about it in this way complicates how pretty much everybody is talking about OP's situation (in a sense of not wanting to further discriminate against poly people). The way OP talks about it really seems like their relationship was over the moment BF got involved with the roommate. This is just pure speculation though. I really hope OP can get out of this situation safely.

@@crossbowss totally agree, my radar immediately went up when OP had to explain that his disability was the driving factor of their BF getting his freak on elsewhere, all while under the banner of being *poly* when in fact BF is most likely just a hot dog and OP didn't want to breakup, and every single action on BF's part afterwards was a direct slap to the face of OP and what he thought their relationship was, all during a truly turbulent time in his life (no doubt deliberately chosen on BF's part as a means to further destabilize OP into compliance)...I genuinely hope that OP can find somewhere else to live and in time a partner who loves and respects him the way he deserves

It's easy to say "have a conversation," but I don't think it's going to do any good in this case. It sounds like OP's boyfriend has more or less abandoned him for this new partner.

Same!!!

I read that as "audio compression". That's what I get for not wearing my glasses lol. Same though!

Came here to say this. Very very sames.

I'm so sorry that happened to you, that sounds awful. Did they at least apologize to you?

It is a trope and it’s so, so stupid. Cishet men: do better. @nergregga Thank you, he eventually did apologize, and still apologizes even this year when I’m sensitive because of a lot of PTSD from that time. He’s promised that as long as he’s alive I’ll never be forgotten at Christmas again. Sadly this was tip of the iceberg of much deeper problems, so we are amicably divorcing. This was definitely an inciting incident for that decision though. Some neglect in a relationship is just too deep to get over.

My birthday is Dec 1, my kid's is Dec 13. The year the baby was born most of my birthday and Christmas presents were for the baby. Like not even stuff for me to use as a new mom, but straight up toys/movies etc. for the baby. Made me feel like now I had a kid, I no longer mattered. 😢

@@reneplant6253 yuuuuuuuup I know that feeling well. I am so, so sorry.

I’m so sorry this happened to you and I wish you a very happy life post-divorce. You matter and you deserve to be seen!

Yes, this is what I was thinking about the tattoo story. OP shouldn't be telling fiance to remove the tattoo - I suppose it's always within a person's right to -ask-, respectfully - "Hey, I feel a certain way about this, is it something you'd ever consider doing for me?" Like imo it's not any more unreasonable to ask a partner to remove a tattoo than it is to ask a partner to *get* a tattoo with/for you. But if the answer is no, the answer is no, full stop. At the same time though, if OP is just finding out about this deeper meaning to this tattoo now (regardless of whether she found it by snooping or not), I could see how that would lead to feelings of betrayal, and of wondering if there are other things he hasn't told her, too. In which case the tattoo is the symbol of the problem more than the problem itself still, but in a different way. At the same time, OP says they were friends when fiance was dating his ex. So it does strain credulity a slight bit to think that she wouldn't have known anything about the tattoo/its meaning at all prior to this point. Especially somewhere like a wrist where it would be visible at least part of the time. Overall, OP still YTA for the overblown insistence of the removal of the tattoo. But, as Shaaba and Jamie said, lots of talking needs to happen before getting married - maybe this is one of the things that they need to talk about.

Freud is the worst

I hope she doesn't live with them.

@@alexf225 That was exactly what I was thinking.

When I first saw the messages I thought it sounded pretty bad. I don't think it needs to be as explicit as "I still think about you all the time". That kind of thing can be implied

@@alex_blue5802 Right? "the physical scar you left on me" is pretty loaded language. I would guess the fiance has some feelings about the ex that he hasn't processed or gotten over. It doesn't excuse her behavior in going through his phone, or justify taking away his bodily autonomy. But when I've had those kinds of intense feelings of jealousy/distrust in a relationship, it was my intuition telling me something. I think that's what's probably happening her, and I think OP is afraid of what the answer will be if she has this conversation.

@@bethgoltermann9231 and then he tells OP that he doesn't have any feelings for her. Jamie and Shaaba were thinking of a fond recollection of the past, but if that's all it was I'd think he could be honest about it. It seems like a red flag for him to be saying he's over his ex but then messaging her such loaded language behind his partner's back.

This is a textbook case of an unwanted child needing to GTFO of that family dynamic ASAP.

Since you have a lot of experience regarding communication in a relationship I would love to know, what’s your best advice for people in relationships where communication is not very good, how do you improve? Preferably both from a talking and listening perspective 😊

@@WalkedWithWolves I know you didn't ask me directly, but I have some advice, if you'd like/would find it helpful. My experience with communication and poly/relationships is not exactly the same as the commenter you asked but I've navigated my fair share of tricky situations in relationships, plus honestly over two decades of customer service experience helps with communication a lot. One thing that kind of underpins most good communication, especially listening: Realizing that everyone has different perspectives, expectations, and assumptions about things. This can be from very small things like someone using a word that has two meanings and they mean it one way but you take it another (for example: I asked someone once "What do you think about this activity?" because I wanted their opinion on it, and they interpreted as an invitation to do the activity, because they'd always been taught to ask "What would you think if we did xyz?"). It can also be much bigger things, like different values. For a (non-extreme) example: if someone is operating on an underlying assumption that everyone will always try to win at a game, they might not understand someone else who has a perspective that winning and losing doesn't matter but just playing fairly is the important thing. More extreme examples of value differences are things like religion, bigotry, political views, moral codes, and so on. I find that if I tackle most conversations from a "benefit of the doubt" perspective, i.e. assuming that the other person generally means well and is not trying to be rude, mean, make my day harder, hurt me, etc., it is much more productive. And as soon as things start to feel tense or like we're not on the same page, I try to take a step back and analyze what assumptions I might have been making that could have been wrong. It obviously takes a lot of practice and you're not always going to get that last part right, even with lots of practice, but the more you communicate with the same person, the easier it gets. Some tactics that support this underpinning strategy: *Repeat things back if you are the listener - try to paraphrase to help make sure you understood. If they say, no that's not it, ask them to repeat themselves in a different way, until eventually you both circle around to the same understanding of what is being said. *Conversely, if you're speaking, and someone asks for clarification or otherwise seems confused, try rephrasing in addition to repeating. *Ask questions. Be specific about what you did and didn't understand. "Okay, I heard that you want to make plans for dinner, but are you saying you want to talk about it now, or after you finish work in an hour?" *Take breaks if you need to. "I'm getting overwhelmed, can you give me a minute to process my feelings?" "I think I'm tired and would like to sleep and resume this conversation tomorrow, is that okay?" *In the case of fights/arguments, I find that the difference between a fight and a discussion is whether the focus is on blame or on problem-solving. If you view your conversation partner as a collaborator trying to accomplish a specific goal with you rather than an adversary to overcome, it's easier to stay calm and resolve any miscommunications. (In other words, conversations are cooperative, not competitive.) This doesn't mean you can't discuss the "what went wrong," but again - the goal is to learn and grow, not to point fingers. Diplomatic tools like sticking to neutral facts over feelings or accusations or making "I" statements can be helpful here. There's also lots to say about different mediums of communication - paying attention to tone of voice, body language, facial expressions, and so on can help you get a bigger picture of what someone is trying to communicate. Everyone has different communication styles (levels of sarcasm, sense of humor, preferences for text or voice, etc.) and as you get to know a person better, you'll learn theirs and how to read them better. While you're getting to know this about them, ask them lots of questions - "When you say xyz, are you being sarcastic?" "What were you feeling when you sent that message?" For close personal relationships, learning about things like past trauma, neurodivergence, mental health struggles, and general life stresses can help you understand their perspective and communication style. Also learn these things about yourself - why do you communicate the way you do? What are your preferences for medium? Do you tend to resort to humor when you're feeling awkward? Are you likely to lash out if you're feeling hurt? Knowing what your triggers and stressors are can help you communicate more clearly. And as we've all learned watching Shaaba's (and Jamie's) channels - context is everything. Advice is not one-size-fits-all - hopefully some of these things help you generally but if you have specific situations you need help navigating, feel free to ask wherever you feel is appropriate to ask for help. ETA: Since conversations are naturally a multi-player endeavor, you also need to remember to give yourself grace when they go badly. You can try to improve your communication skills as much as possible, of course, but if the other party is refusing to communicate with you clearly, you can't make them. You can do your best to work around them but there are always limits and it's important to give yourself credit for what you can do and be forgiving of what you can't.

Literally, it just sounds like he's trying to not-so-subtly transition from being with Mer to being with the flatmate and is just labelling it as polyamory in order to get away with it, without even understanding what healthy polyamory entails. Couple this with the absolute lack of concern for how traumatic this must be for OP with all those specific acute stressors, and you got yourself another cis guy misusing polyamory for his own selfish gain and shirking responsibility for his actions to those around him.....

I love the idea of a braille family tattoo

This is a really great example. Thank you for sharing. I hope everything’s going well for you🙂

ooh, I didn't think about it first, but I also kinda don't want to assume that since it wasn't mentioned by OP

😂😂

Or the latest edition of the ethical slut 😊 the last one was a bit of a headache, ahaha, if people are already in an established relationship that started monog, they really need to read up on and explore the foundations they want to lay first and work out the finer things first, instead of just agreeing to a basic one and just jumping in 😅

Oof, posted this before the last part of the post - it got worse

The bit about it getting more complicated is so real, I always say in my heart I'm poly (I believe I could love multiple people and would be okay with my partner also being with someone else), but from a logistical standpoint I don't think I actually have the emotional energy, organizational skills etc to keep up with multiple relationships 😅

​@@Link-dx1lx the logistics of ENM can certainly be a tricky thing to navigate, yes. However, as someone who only consciously realised and accepted that no, monogamy is *not* for me 4 years ago, I've actually somehow found it *easier* to deal with things like organisational and emotional stuff than I did in the 15-ish years of attempting long-term monogamy (3 different serious relationships across that time frame, even an engagement). Perhaps it's due to the circumstances and resultant exploration, reflection, and acceptance of self throughout the journey of this revelation. Perhaps it's due to the point that there seems to be more emphasis on being on top of such things when trying to maintain healthy ENM/poly dynamics than what I had/was when trying to stick to monog. Perhaps it's a combination of both of those, and perhaps there's some other things tossed in there somewhere. Whatever the reasoning is for it, I've been finding my journeys navigating ENM/poly to be easier, and my relationships, overall, seem to be healthier. That's not to say that it's going to be that way for everyone though, and I don't think I'd be able to deal with it anywhere near this well if it wasn't for the journey of discovery that I went on (which also included non-relationship major life stuff).

I’m an old monogamous person and have known some very fine people who were poly, but whether their own or their stories about other poly friends, I have never once seen such a relationship be successful. So I’m accepting (not that they need my approval or permission), but could never be okay with that for myself.

@@joanfregapane8683 That's perfectly fine of course 😊 It's good to know our limits, and I'll be the first one to admit that poly relationships don't suit everyone. Some not at all, and others only for a shorter period. I've personally seen some very succesful long term poly relationships, but also some that don't last. I can't remember exactly for how long my ex has been with this other partner, but must be pushing a decade by now. I'd count that as success, since even most mono relationships don't last that long. (And they're still poly, in case it sounded like it's just him and the other partner now. At least one other long term partner in the picture.)

​@@joanfregapane8683many so work out ☺️ I know many who are going still strong after decades

Beautifully put

SAME! I love making elaborate gift wrappings. Last christmas I gave my girlfriend a book that I put in a carbordbox that I decorated to look like a book, and the little not that says "to: and from:" was a bookmark. I think a joke gift should be funny and rewarding for the recipient