"Me and my wife both agree that we hated marriage and that we made a mistake getting married. So we went ahead and had a kid together." Its amazing how stupid people can be. Let it make sense
It's called societal pressure. It happens A LOT more than you'd think. Society expects wife-husband-kids-whitepicketfence. Not enough people think it through or think long term.
They’re narcissists searching for validation that’s all it is. If they gave details it wouldn’t validate their side of the story so they refuse to give it
I think underlying/undiagnosed mental health issues play huge role in situations like this. The unawareness he has shows there is a lack of understanding about feelers issues
That's a terrible Idea. Her situation is more likely based on her emotions, and he is not going to be able to rationalize them back into liking each other.
@@danr9584 ..I guess it all depends on what has already transpired and if it is beyond repair. Personally, I think we need to hear both sides, and they should be sitting in the SAME room when they speak. It is easy for one person to speak their side while the other is not present, and cannot confirm to deny what is being stated. Also, I personally believe that all couples should attend some type of course/class/counseling prior to getting married. For couples that have issues, they should attend counseling together, and also separate. I would agree with you that sometimes, depending on what the person has already been through, and their tolerance level, there may be no going back, or trying to force some type of relationship when there is either no feeling, or the damage that has been done is insurmountable.
@@jengable4888I don't know if it's beyond repair, but I think the problem is that this guy doesn't stand up for himself or anything that he wants, and she has lost respect for him over it. She can't get turned on for somebody she doesn't respect and it is taking a toll. He needs to start picking up some hobbies, hang out with his friends and live the life he wants. As he does this, she will likely come back around. True desire cannot be negotiated and that is what this caller is trying to do.
@@danr9584 ..He should have been doing that right along ! A functioning couple should be able to function independently, as well as, together. The issue lies with who the spouses or partners socialize with, that can make a difference. For example, (This is not intended to sound gender bias, the situation could be reversed) the wife socializes with other women/ maybe a few male friends who are also in committed relationships, are responsible, and the entire situation is platonic. Now the male spouse/partner socializes with individuals who are serial daters, show little respect for the male spouses familial/relationship responsibilities, and try to coerce him to go "Clubbing/and other risque places" that may inadvertently cause problems. The situation could cause trust problems in a relationship, and resentment on other side. Now, in my opinion, these two need to seek counseling, and try to establish a new "relationship" that involves pro-social individuality (if that is what they want) if both are willing, and that is possible. For example, the husband joins a baseball league or hiking club, while she is working on an art project. I can understand when someone loses respect for someone, for whatever reason, it is very difficult to gain that back. It depends on the situation. In addition, it can also happen when a spouse or partner, CONSTANTLY complains about an employment situation on a daily basis, yet does NOTHING to remedy the situation. This could be highly annoying as well, which could lead to losing respect. Now, sometimes the employment situation can difficult to navigate and I understand that too, however, the spouse who is doing the complaining should take an active role in trying to pinpoint the problems and try to find either an internal solution (Stay within the employment situation) or external solution (actively begin to seek employment elsewhere, attend networking groups, attend college etc). What are your thoughts on this ?
She must be narcist. But he wont admit on the show. Because in his mind he thinks its less manly to blame it on a woman. its a trait of a gynocentric society.
This was the most infuriating call I’ve ever listened to. It’s like he’s talking about someone else’s marriage because he literally knows nothing about it 🤨
Very frustrating. Dr John have a lot of patience. It makes no sense. You hate being married and said you made a mistake the next day, yet you stayed in toxicity for 6 years and bring a child in the world. It’s not fair to this child. Makes no sense
The caller is either anxious avoidant or dismissive avoidant. They shut down and hide/ run away from emotions. Most of them don't even want to get to know themselves. I used to be a social worker.. they can plan their whole life around a belief they have... and not even know WHY they have that belief.. and then wake up one day realizing they don't care about it. They rarely if ever check in with themselves to see how they feel, they don't want to feel anything. And ideally, they don't want to actively participate in life especially, their own.
He doesn't have insight, understanding or language to describe his feelings, needs, or motivations. He apparently learned to be very passive in his childhood from his parents and can't break out of it. Lots of therapy would help him understand himself, his feelings and behavior. He's afraid to break out of this relationship. He needs therapy to give him understanding about himself and his choices about how to interact with his wife.
The lack of self awareness and self discovery is really sad. How can you settle this much in life!? I’m sure this has been his whole life. Never question what’s happening but never be satisfied with what you have. I hope he does the work. I’m sure his wife has a lot to work on too but man, I’d be bashing my head into a wall trying to be with someone who doesn’t look internally or even try to fix things. Thanks dr. Deloney for asking the hard questions!
This is more common than not. Many people have kids because that is what you are supposed to do once married. MOST people have kid without thinking about that kid at all...it is about society norms (especially in Christian and religious circles) and themselves.
Well they have been married for six years already. The wife is probably well into her 30s and her biological clock is ticking. If she gets a divorce she probably will not be able to have kids with someone else.
@@el676 I don’t have any empathy for him. He called in trying to manipulate us and the Doctor. He cannot even think he is the source of the problem and the problem is him. Narcissists think that way. I bet he gaslights her and she does not put up with his BS. He wants to play the victim after he’s the one who cause the disruption in the first place.
@@AnaBananaM28 it’s just often the case in such situations. Regardless it doesn’t do the kid any favors to raise it in where the parents can’t get along. It’s just negative energy
Reminds me of my beloved father in law, who left his wife of 25 years because he realized one day he never loved her. To this day, he can’t say anything other than “I don’t know what I was thinking, I wasn’t thinking, I don’t know why I did that, I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know.” Terrifies me people can be so clueless about their own lives that affect others.
Scary how someone can take up decades, and the prime of someone else’s life, and then crush their partner by saying they haven’t loved them for decades. That’s the ultimate in cruelty.
I’ve heard hints that pornography addiction had something to do with it. Basically he went to therapy and eventually realized he didn’t love his wife. He did support her after, they are amicable and in a friendly place now. I am close to my FIL, stay up all night with no sleep talking the whole time close, so it surprised me he could be so “out of touch” with his emotions for a whole marriage and three kids over 25+ years
He hints that she may be an abuser, chose to stop being nice after marriage, is common to narcissists. As the abused partner you kinda become frozen, and lose self confidence in the home.
This was painful to listen to. The caller could not answer a single question that John was asking. I'd be very curious to hear his wife's side of the story.
This man definitely doesn’t even know what the truth is because he can’t look in the mirror or be honest with himself. I was with a man like this for a long time and there are major red flags here. Yikes. Hopefully his wife can get out and find true happiness.
@@alliepoe5487 Well she will get the child and collect child support/alimony weekly. She is going to make out great thanks to our divorce/family court laws.
@@anthonyfuller9933 well a single woman with a child goes down the economic ladder in the workplace while fathers who are divorced do not.... she I'm sure would much rather have never married him than be divorced. She probably works too so its not like everything was all his...it SHOULD be split.
Sounds just like my husband. The light went switch after 6 months, the laziness, and now, after 34 years of marriage, he says he hasn’t loved me for 32 years of them. Of course, he cannot tell me why. I guarantee this man is a gaslighter and his wife doesn’t put up with his BS.
This makes no sense to me. If you don't like eachother, literally have never been happy about being married from day one and have spent a decade not liking eachother...and then they decide to have a kid? What??
I really like how Dr. Delony dealt with this one. I honestly get baffled at people who don't understand that everything is a choice and your current situation is as a result of decisions made. This guy needs to take responsibility and just do something - ANYTHING!!! STOP acting like "life" just carried you here!
I feel like when John said, "does she think you're dumb?" In his mind he was like, cause I do.....Lord knows that's what I'm thinking sitting at home listening to him.
He stayed with her because she's a hottie. Physically attractive. That's probably why their dating life went well. But after the marriage, they stopped needing a reason to pursue each other, and they realised they had nothing in common.
Wow, most men who hate women are just shallow themselves only care about her looks , these hot women ( mostly ) aren't good wives and lack personality , then men realise personality is more important
This guy likes to play the victim. Guarantee he gaslights her and she doesn’t put up with his BS. He is so afraid to say anything negative about himself to the host when he knows he’s a major part of the problem.
...or he married his "type". Men will pass up perfect people for them because they have a specific type of person in mind that will fit their goals & future. Never marry so you can reach an imagined status or a goal, it is doomed to fail. Marry someone who actually likes you, desires you and respects you instead of your goal.
That actually happened to someone I know. Difference is that her dad paid for med school so she wouldn’t have debt, and then she dropped at at the very end. While my parents literally told me when I finished highschool,”college is too expensive, we will not help you”. But they refinanced their house a year later for my abusive older brother in order to take him out of debt. My life is a mess lol 😣 Mommy and daddy issues. I need to call Dr. John. 😑
@@theshunnedBandersnatch I did not pursue my dream career. I ended up going to trade school, became a medical/code biller and worked in a medical office. I had to do that short career because I was on my own by 18. But I don’t love it. I just Didn’t have support. Now I have kids and one day I’ll go back to school. My dream career is something to do with an English major. But will see where my life goes.
Me too. When I finally decided...I got pregnant. No way I was letting his toxic family have access to my kid. So I stayed. She was ten when he started acting like my roommate. I asked whats up and he refused to admit it. So I saw an attorney, learned a ten year old can choose who to live with. I took her, he never looked back. He was dating before we saw the judge. He remarried four years later. Its been 25 years since I left him. He abandoned his child. She and I are extremely close. I love being unmarried.
Something's off here. My uncle is in an abusive marriage and this is how he sounds when talking about his wife. Very disconnected and naive. This guy's wife literally said "I don't have to be nice to you now". That doesn't sound like a joke to me, that sounds like a very real issue.
Maybe there’s a lot of pressure in his family to get and stay married too. But yeah that is not a good wife if she said that to him, sad and disrespectful.
Since we don’t know the context of that statement, we cannot assume she is a nasty woman. Narcissists cannot accept any type of slight or criticism no matter how it’s delivered. They do not accept responsibility from their behavior and deflect from the truth or anything that will make them look bad. They always expect to be seen by the public as the hero. So, he’s ready to run and called a radio show to get vindication for his thoughts. He didn’t get them. I bet he gaslights her and she doesn’t put up with his BS. This guy is pathetic and manipulative. The Doctor saw right through him.
This was me for 14 years. It's a *self worth* issue. The ex and I became roommates. I wanted a real marriage and he wanted a slave and someone he could abuse for his own delight.He wanted someone to neglect, someone to criticize, someone to do his laundry, wash his dishes, take care of him when he was sick, work alongside him and not get paid.... He wanted a mommy. 🤦🏻♀️ And...someone he could scream at and terrify behind closed doors while acting like the man I met and married with _everyone else._ I had two friends in 2018 that listened to what was happening, from an outside perspective, and help me see that I was living in my own hell and waiting for HIM to change. They showed me: I HAVE A CHOICE! Stay or go. I seriously believed I _could not leave._😞😭 This was due to the church teaching me for my whole life: God hates divorce!!!!! I found my self worth and self love and after I went to him and said our house is metaphorically on fire and we need help, he refused counseling, said he could fix our issues in 5 min, and then mocked me. A week later I left after some serious green lights from God that ripped the rose colored glasses off my face. Finally! I am now remarried to a man who has the same values as me, morals, who shares my faith in God, who sees me, who wants to know me, who delights in me, who doesn't yell or scream anytime something needs to be discussed, holds me when I cry, prays with me, who accepts me and is t trying to make me into a mini version of himself or desires me to be an emotionless robot. Find your self worth!!! We DO only get this ONE LIFE!!! It is a gift! Don't squander it away!!
You are so right! People treat us the way we allow! Self love and self worth is so important. Often times we women are thought to love others and give, but we are not thought to go inward.
I went through this exact same situation for 6 yrs. Was emotionally abused and battered every day. I also got the green light to go.I left over 5 months ago and I've been so happy.
I was this guy. I got severely injured, had chronic pain, couldn't find a way to end the pain (don't send me any ideas, or MLM bull - I literally blew six figures on everything under the sun, a Dave Ramsey call for another time) so my life devolved into desk job, home, desk job, home and that was it. I finally decided that I had to learn to live with pain but learn to live again also. It sucks but I am going to school, new job, new life and should graduate with the MSW/MBA in the spring, just before my 60th. I will hobble up to the stage, but I will be there. It's what you choose.
This is the result of a fear of solitude. Being single is OK. You’ll be ok if you’re single. Stop forcing yourself to be in a relationship at all times.
Jared: "It's always been awful" Also Jared: "I try to wake up everyday with a good attitude" Together 6 years and NOW he wants to leave his pregnant wife. Guy is a sleeze.
Dr John has so much patience. I would have hung up the phone about three minutes in 😂 there is definitely more to that story though. It’s a shame he couldn’t have opened up a bit more because he would’ve got more tailored advice. I do feel sorry for him though. I wonder what the story is behind his wife saying she didn’t need to be nice to him anymore because they were married.
Hard to say. My X said he pretended to be the guy he thought I'd want. Married ....gotcha...jig is up. He said he knew as a Christian, I couldn't leave him! HA!
His words show he does not value his vows. Vows are much more than just never getting divorced. You vow to love, to cherish, to respect, etc, one another.
It’s hard for a narcissist to say, “It’s my fault” and take responsibility. They play the victim instead. My guess is he gaslights her and she doesn’t put up with his BS.
I was in exact amount of marriage. Divorced some two months back. Trust me when I look back, that suffering was not necessary. I should have stepped out long back
I value the marriage vows but I don’t want to be married. Unbelievable. This guy waits till he’s about to have a baby to make this call?? He can’t answer a question!!!! He waited 6 years , with no kids . He could have stepped out years ago!
Probable scenario is they decided to get married, started planning and paying for a very expensive wedding, the closer they got to the day they realized they were making a poor choice but went through with it anyway because they'd be out a ton of money on deposits and all the invites have been sent out so it was too late to back out. 6 years later here we are. With a baby on the way. The only victim here is the baby.
Unless they didn't live together, I don't see how wedding planning wouldn't have exaggerated their problems. Wedding planning is generally stressful and expensive, so that, plus living together, would give them an idea of how conflicts would play out and how each person deals with everything from dishes in the sink to weekends.
I mean I guess but also more so the child is going to grow up feeling like why did you even have me? Just admit the failure and get a divorce. I bet this guy is older and thinks divorce is a sin, but they both need to leave one another. The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference.
I keep hearing the same thing over and over. When it comes to marriages, that both of them get complacent and think that they never ever have to work hard in their marriage. Or they think it’s always going to be happy and bright and cheery. The worst part was that he started in the beginning saying how “Successful” they are. Money doesn’t buy you a life long partner.
"Now that we're married, I don't have to be nice to you anymore!" There are men and women, especially the abusive ones, who think like that. Once they get you legally, their true personalities come out. Unfortunately, it happens all too often.
My ex-BF told me point blank that he didn't need to be nice to me anymore because now we were in a relationship. I told him he had that backwards; it's more important to be good to your mate than anyone else. Needless to say, that relationship didn't last.
This man is being very indecisive (hence the reason he is calling for advice), but one thing he said can’t be glossed over. “She said that once we married a switch flipped in her. She says that I don’t have to be nice to you anymore now that we are married”. This is a major red flag! 🚩 He has no idea what is going on in her mind and his conclusion was that he marriage was a mistake… This sounds to me like Narcissism. The amount of gaslighting that this man may be going through will scramble his thought process and make him sound mentally impaired. She is pregnant, conveniently at the time he is thinking of ending the horrible marriage? Another major red flag! 🚩 Manipulation, gaslighting, lies, lack of intimacy, control, emotional abuse, etc. all things he may be suffering and his impaired brain considers a mistake. I can’t believe that the advice received is: “make a choice”… The advice should be: Go to a therapist individually and let a professional evaluate your case because I know nothing of the circumstances you are living in.
I was in a bad marriage for 24 years. My husband was a good provider and a good father but a lousy husband. I went to therapy and read many, many books...he would not go to therapy. Finally I left and started over. No regrets.
You got the best husband what are you talking about...you should have a role to make it that intimate life work..I do not see the point you blame him here!!!
@@addiskassa5165 the point is she was unhappy! What about her? She needed him emotionally and mentally belittling he wasn’t there! This is true for most women in marriages, men love talking about how they provided you with this and that, yeah but beyond money what is he doing for me??
@@daniella8400 well all People have flaws when you see the flaws you have to think can i live with that person for the rest of My life for One person Will think that Guy is perfect for another person Will not see that Guy is perfect because he has to many flaws dont marry a person if you cant live with a person flaws ofc the couple should grow together but IF you cant you should Accept the other person flaws otherwise No point in spending the rest of your life with that person
There's something else going on here that I don't think John can solve. This man is not being forthcoming about why he thinks this is such a mistake. This couple needs marriage counseling.
I think he's leaving important information out. He knows exactly why his wife is choosing misery. I chose misery for many years because I lost trust in my husband and I didn't want to be married to him anymore. His addiction was worse than I thought and when I confronted him about it and set up boundaries and time limits, he chose the addiction over his family. So, I divorced him and became a single parent of a 9-year old. I don't regret it.
All I can think of while listening to this is that they wanted to live the rich life and they decided to have a miserable marriage to impress people that didn't really desire to be impressed. I feel bad for the baby...
@@el676 😁😇😅 You don't have to be holly to get it, he actually let it out when he said that from his perspective he thinks they should be living "large" and that they both were doing well professionally... They thought combining both paychecks and living "large" was going to bring them a loving and happy life/marriage. 👩⚖️ 🤝
He’s on of the many men who living this miserable life and dragging other people along with them. Not seeing the way they are treating other people and try to do better. He’s not taking any responsibility.
The guy is giving John very little to work with. And John isn’t very understanding of the complexity of people staying in a boring marriage …which is something that happens so freaking often!
Nah. This man is a narcissist and the fact he is mentioning the light switch moment is a good indicator he’s the problem. He comes across as a covert narcissist and she doesn’t put up with his BS. I also find it ironic he says they wanted to get an annulment. She didn’t see, or chose, to ignore the red flags he gave off before the wedding. Once married the narcissist feels they don’t have to act anymore and that’s when the problems start.
@@janebeatty9472 Jane are you a Dr.? It in on the ridiculous level now of how internet gurus google the word Narcissist and label anyone with that term that isn't pleasant. He may be one but there is no way you know that from a 10 minute clip.
I feel like this guy isn't telling the full story. Either he has no relationship skills and too lazy to try to make his marriage work, or his wife is abusive and he's too ashamed of being a victim to admit that this is the real problem. She did say that she "doesn't have to be nice anymore" now that they're married. That could mean a lot of things, and at worst, it could mean that she pretended to be a nice person until they got married, and maybe he's just too conservative to get divorced.
7.9 Billion humans on the Earth. Increasing by 1 Billion every 12 years. This person is in a bad marriage "from day one" and what does he do. Make a baby. This world is doomed.
There is definitely more to this story. I wish he would have been more honest. I have been where he is. I was married almost 8 years. We had a short courtship and engagement so we really didn’t know each other. Unfortunately, my ex didn’t want to be a husband. After many years of emotional and mental abuse, counseling, sacrificing my own dreams, I finally said - enough is enough. However, I knew early on but I stayed in because I honored my vows. Plus, I really thought that one day, he would change. 😔
A lot depends on what sort of "model" these people grew up with. If one or both of them had parents who tolerated each other but were always unhappy, that's what they expect marriage to be like and they'll act it out whether it feels good or not.
This is absolutely true. Always look at your future husband or wifes family before you decide to marry because it’s possible they will repeat the same patterns of behaviors as their parents
So divorce. It's simple. You both never liked it. Should have used birth control. So you should have annulled it on Sunday. Time for both of you to move on. Don't complicate the situation.
@@Wyo2Wis That's life sometimes. It's of no help to raise a kid in a toxic environment. Now they need to figure out the divorce and healthy co-parenting situation.
Whenever I get crazy hormones and snap at my husband then come back all ashamed he says "I love how you are now. I love you ten minutes ago and I'll love you forever" Don't know where he got it from but it sure comforts me lol
I wish I could hang up on this guy for him... 😂 He knows so much more than he says. It is a personality issue. He knows in his head but does not admit anything. Ask for help... but not willingly working to progress pass the issues at hand or even admit the problems. 🥴
I’m in a similar situation. After six years, we’ve totally given up. You have to take ownership of what you did to fail and either fix your part and hopefully she does too or divorce. Don’t be immature. Just grow up and make a decision. Stop complaining if you’re not doing Anything to change it. Also, you have a baby together so she will always be in your life to some capacity.
I feel sorry for this guy, I wonder what his childhood was like ? He sounds codependent, like he doesn't know himself. Intense therapy, or end it quickly and co - parent effectively for the child's wellbeing.
Maybe mutually end it, but one penalty has to choose it. Jared is into inaction, sounds like his wife is too. Takes two to choose to be married. Only one to end it. Or today, he can choose differently, maybe his wife will too. But it does sound like all in or all out.
@@staleydu1 I can't speak for her, but he's done. Just needs to get balls to end it and move on and work out the co-parenting situation. Problem is he probably will just let it go on ( and her too). You don't do any kid any favors that unhappy togeather.
So he didn't realize all this dating? It takes commitment. I'm convinced more people like the idea of marriage over actually being married. Nothing comes easy in life. You have to work for what you want in life and marriage is no different. God Speed to them.
Jared, right now is the time to button up. You and your wife chose to bring a child in this world together, knowing the life y'all were living was for others. It sounds that you both were feeling pressured by maybe friends and family and being "normal". The next 18 years should be focused on that child's well being now. Jared, live your life within the marriage, but maintain your health and peace.
I don't know the answer for this guy. He's gotten himself into a mess now. But I disagree with John on this one. I think the marriage WAS a mistake. They probably had relationship problems while dating, and thought marriage would fix it. Or she did. They should have ended it years ago. It's not realistic to "choose joy" if you're not with the right person. Sounds to me like marriage was never what he wanted. So? Stay married and be miserable and involve the kid in it, or divorce and maybe be happier individuals and learn how to co-parent. I think there is a very slim chance of working into a contented marriage there.
I was in a similar situation. But I decided to deal with it instead and now our daughter is 12. I love my daughter to the ends of the earth and in hindsight I should have left immediately and dealt with those consequences vs staying and dealing with the ones I did. But I told myself I'd stay with her mother until she's 18 or out of the house, whichever comes first. I wouldn't recommend it to this man tho as it's mentally exhausting and by not wanting to hurt my kid or give her a broken home.... I think I ended up self fulfilling that prophecy because I'm constantly stressed and irritable and I think my daughter can tell anyways.
Let's say your daughter couldn't tell and thought everything was just fine, and then you suddenly divorce when she's 18.... You don't think that would affect her ability to feel secure in relationships? Dad pretended everything was fine for however many years when things weren't fine? Who's to say some dude won't do the same thing with her.
They decided to take the next step in their relationship thinking that marriage would be better , and it proved not to be . Expectations-reality=disappointment.
I don’t get why ppl choose misery!?! I have noooo issue cutting negative ppl out of my life. Even if they are family. I value my peace and happiness waaaay more than loneliness or money!!
Once you get a taste of ☮️ you will choose it over everyone lol. People think u hate them. Nah, they add no value to my life, wish you luck. Hope you live as long as you want and never want as long as you live bon voyage.
From the moment he started trying to explain their situation I gathered two things: he can't, or doesn't know how to, be fully honest with himself AND, from the way he carefully chose his words, there was a very specific answer he wanted from this call.
too many people get married because they want a wedding and / or due to familial, traditional, societal, cultural, religious, etc... pressures not because they want a spouse and a marriage. people need to understand marriage is not an achievement or accomplishment and certainly is not an obligation. and behave accordingly.
@@grod805a lot of kids are relieved when their parents get divorced. Kids aren't dumb...they know when things between their parents aren't going well.
