Thank you. I was very much in love for the first time in a very long time. He lied to me, he used me. Then he left me. He ghosted me by leaving the house key on the counter 10 days after my cancer diagnosis. THAT was a tower. Its been almost 3 years. I have been meditating daily, but yeah essentially I've been in breakdown mode for almost 3 years. He must have been in one hell of a hurry that day. He packed it all up while I was at work. You are correct. I saw the red flags, I chose to ignore them. Because I chose to love him more than myself at that time. That was the lesson. All of that lesson boils down to one simple quote. "To thine own self be true". He lied to me, and I lied to me. All for a dream of love that I had for him and I. Now, I'm healthy and finally forgiving both he and I. Grateful for the lesson. I asked to be close to God and the universe again. This is what it took.
@Mildred Braithwaite It's a dangerous and slippery slope to believe that. Although I appreciate your efforts and sentiment. I give up on wondering why. I called him every morning for about a week while I was being treated at Mayo clinic. He finally returned a call. Only to say that "we were on different paths". He never apologized for just leaving. His only response was it was just easier for him to do it that way. The problem is that I see his soul. I still love him. Now I see that he has let his ego rule him. He is indeed on a different path. I am now free. Learning to open my heart up again. I know the next one in my life will be better. Because the gypsy in me is BACK.
@@tammyolson1332 careful of that. You said u still love him. The next guy is just going to be a rebound. You'll constantly be comparing his qualities to the guy u still love. He this guy will have zero clue about u still being imprinted on and still emotionally attached to. Why do u still love him tho? U seem to love the fairy tale lie he provided. "We're on two different paths" That's the lame and quick response to just get away from you and your condition. In his mind, all the money and attention is going to be solely on you and not him. He doesn't want the responsibility of caring for a sick person let alone paying for it. They went to be catered to like a spoiled teenager with the accountability of a toddler. That's a 5 yr old in an adult meat suit that you're allowing to make u feel like that. U can't expect a toddler to actually care about and love you like you're trying to do. Imagine a little 3 foot toddler and you're wanting him to do adult male things etc. They like stories and lies. It's a coping mechanism. Don't let a toddler do that to u. U can't love HIM, bc there is no HIM. just a jumbled up mess to trick people and scam them. That's what they are. Scammers. Just like those telephone callers.
@@daviedood2503 I wrote that a year ago. In that year a LOT has happened. It's really amazing to me that you reply just now, because I had forgotten that I wrote that. I was reflecting on him a bit this morning. About 2 weeks after that post, I did hear from him. He apologized,. He said he had been just running. Although he DID run straight into the arms of an X girlfriend. They had just broken up and he was in an alcoholic rehab. I was relieved but he called me and apologized. I felt like I had closure, finally. Then he continued to call everyday. With the intention of just being friends because he's not supposed to be in a relationship for a year once quitting alcohol. Then he suddenly decided to come and see me he flew from Arizona to Minnesota. He wasn't drinking, but he did smoke weed quite heavily everyday. Then he tells me that his mom is in the hospital. I can't help but Wonder if he just showed up so he could stay with me and visit his mom. I had moved out of town, so it was a hundred miles back and forth everyday for him to go visit her. I don't begrudge him that. However I do have a feeling that he used me. Why he told me he loved me more than I ever knew, and the next month that followed he told me that he wouldn't be ready for a relationship or to get together for about 5 years. See I met him when he was sober. I thought that's who he was. Now he tells me that he is bisexual and is not a monogamous person. That part completely turns me off. There's nothing there for me. Well I may enjoy our conversations, because he is incredibly intelligent I don't like being manipulated and misled. I also will never be with someone who has to be stoned or drunk on a daily basis. I am no longer lamenting over him. I have a future and the life worth living at experiencing. I am grateful that he came back and that I got to see him for who he truly is. I know his soul is different from that, but you can't convince people that. God bless you David Dood for caring. Thank you.
5 years ago I went through a breakup where my codependency and fantasy of "love" was smashed to pieces. It reduced me to what i perceived as a hollow shell of emptiness and a void of meaningless abyss. I hated what I saw in myself. I loathed parts of me that I was displaying. It took far longer to rebuild than 5 weeks, but I did rebuild, over time. My entire belief set has changed thanks to that experience. I now feel a more synchronised connection between my ideology, actions and general life direction. That's given me greater resolve and emotional stability. I'm not bothered if it was an "abusive" relationship or if it was "fair". It doesn't matter becuase no one really cares and because I accepted what I got because I was weak, flawed and full of holes. I lived on my knees, not because of anyone else, but because I lacked strength and belief in my own convictions. I heard a quote, "better to die on your feet than live on your knees" and I've made that my mantra because "avoiding pain", something I did all too often, was painful regardless.
Hmm. Well, my sitch has a slightly different flavor-- effectively, I got phished, and assumed that someone was genuine when they were not. I vetted, took my time, but it's hard for a Narc to keep the mask up for decades. Yes, I had holes in my defenses. Yes, I thought the Tower Moment was an emotional break on his part, not part of the Standard Narcissistic Pathway at the end of a cycle. Was I weak? Maybe. I missed a lot of pink flags, which look very different through the eyes of an as yet unspoiled love. I have to take responsibility for who I am and where I go from here, but yeah, I was a mark. I got conned by a narc, who is a toxic asshole. I got took. I got exploited. I didn't see it for what it was. Fool me once....
@Mildred Braithwaite oh, it's awful. You're heads a cloud of white noise, an over bearing, continuous cycle of memories on a meaningless loop of torture. You can't concentrate or find any peace. Time heals all wounds but you need to use that time and not just let it do all the work. For me, I opened a can of worms that made it worse before it got better. I lost a lot of toxic people along the way too. Now I'm stable, focused and those around me are solid because I am and like attracts like. My best mate, we drifted after school, was 12 months behind me and looked me up when his wife left him. When I first saw him I knew just looking at him that he was going through a heart ache. He was gaunt, thin and lost. I was able to help him and today we're like brothers. He's looking great, lives an independent life and exudes confidence. We all get there in the end if we put the work in.
CPTSD inducing parents thwart the growth of the ego by undermining the development of the crucial egoic processes of self protection. They do this by shaming or intimidating you when ever you have a natural impulse to sympathy for yourself, or stand up for yourself. The instinct to care for yourself and to protect yourself against unfairness is then forced to become dormant. -Jordan Peterson Good stuff. Thank you
very good stuff. Love that you quoted Jordan Peterson to complement Richard. They have both evolved into spiritual lords in their own right (saying this in an egoless, spiritual context)
Yes, this is so common to the experience of narcissistic abuse that I think we should call this... I dunno, a standard sub-game that Narcs and their Vic's play, a stereotypical response of the Narc to challenge, or simply the Seven of Swords. To wit, the deliberate, underhanded removal of the normal defenses of the other. In effect, "if you take that sword to defend yourself against my encroachment, I will exercise the Nuclear Option (which is the option that they have discovered to work best against you). Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
"In a loveless environment it is hard to even survive." Truer words were never spoken! I literally died of a broken heart when I was 33 years old. It was only in what happened after my miraculous survival that I came to understand it was lovelessness that was killing me.
@@fehilytimoney1525 I did literally die. That was not a mistake, and I agree and share this pet peeve. I had a Spontaneous Coronary Artery Dissection (my LAD broke just like a broken hose), and this eventually led to my heart stopping twice. flat-lined twice and twice code blue was called and twice I had to be resuscitated. So I did in fact literally die and my heart was literally broken. That choice of words was deliberate. While on the other side I was given a choice and when I saw what it would be like for my children without me I fought my way back into my body, but I could have made the choice to stay "dead," but I chose to go back. .
Betrayal is the worst because you trust the person and may even have given a lot in the friendship then they use you as a stepping stone, stab you in the back and twist the knife. Unforgivable!
Hi Richard - sorry for your ‘tower’. I hope you’re OK. I didn’t ‘enjoy’ hearing about it but did find it very informative and helpful, which is what I think you meant. Your humility and honesty suggests you have learnt from it and are exactly the type of person to be helping others. We’re all on a journey…
this has happened to me as well. brutal. thank you for being so authentic and real in a world where everyone seems to be more comfortable wearing a mask. it makes me feel less alone to know others have undergone this awakening. this stuff is hard to talk about unless you’ve been through it.
I am now seeing this video just now, but this is so powerful. I ended a relationship 3 months ago because he was suited up in armor and wearing a mask. Now that I see things clearly, I hope to never go through this again. He has resentment and unresolved anger from a divorce, and who knows else. It is so profoundly deep to see what this does to the other person in the relationship. It is crazy making behavior. God bless you.
When you come from a family whose repeated message to you growing up was 'finding love and having a family is the most important thing in the world' there is at first a rebellion toward the idea but then the older you get the more that message makes you want to control love and fulfill this peddled fantasy to the point of saying 'if i am not in a relationship i have no meaning' which leads to such unhealthy levels of codependency
Well it is partially true that if you aren't in a relationship you don't have any meaning but romantic love is way overrated. Attachment though, is key, to family, extended family, friends, to community, to nature, spirituality. We all need companianship and support. Without that we cannot thrive intellectually, spiritually or emotionally. Problem is that the psychopathic world ín which we live prevents real attachment, community.
We're all scared that we'll miss the cues and fail to maintain proper boundaries when we let people in after years of self isolating for sanity, after emotional abuse. But as you said... No growth without awareness, and awareness costs is our bullshit. Every person we trust is a learning experience and a growth opportunity. Took me six years to let even a friend get that close to me, and I spent a year vetting her, even though 1. She's the most sweet, naive and innocent person I've ever met (I'm more worried about my being abusive to her inadvertently) and 2. She was far more enthusiastic about me and called me her best friend almost right away. I don't trust people who are THAT enthusiastic about me, and that was a real Tower moment for me. Lots of issues around self love, trust, and my track record with letting loneliness take the wheel in ANY human connection. It's never safe. But that's just life, isn't it?
@PissySkyKat What you said really resonates. Leading from deep loneliness that is often unconscious gets me into trouble so I isolate too much, which then perpetuates the loneliness. We create what we fear until it’s resolved. I’m trying to resolve the desire for safety and love push-pull double bind.
@@catsmeow3478 it takes practice, like everything we learn in life. I had to make a little rhyme to encourage my daughter (8yo now) when she used to get easily frustrated about not mastering things fast enough for her taste. I would remind her of all the little things she had accomplished by patient, repeated practice: "Swings, stars and monkey bars, riding bikes and ABCs..." Now, she doesn't get frustrated. I literally heard her take a deep breath, the other day, and tell herself it's ok to mess up, just keep trying until you get it right. I think she's wiser than I am, at this point.
Hi Richard, As a sensitive (empathetic) male that is straight like yourself, it isn't easy. But one thing I can certainly say, you definitely don't need to doubt yourself about your work on this (RU-vid). You have definitely helped me with my awakenings in the past and present!! I recently had a serious tower moment, during the summer. During it, it's easy to forget to come back to yourself. Coming back to yourself and implementing the lessons learned during it, will help it pass. Love and light brother. From Ireland!! ☘️
..you lie to preserve your image with the other because you’re insecurely attached and unsure of their love for you; you lack the courage to be truthful to yourself and the other and accept their reaction-even if it means you lose them in the process-but your mind will be clear. Also have the humility to ask, “what part did I play in this, and how can I live to avoid this going forward?” True love is powerful, but has nothing whatsoever to do with power. 🌸
It sounds so sadistic finding comfort in another’s pain, but I am truly comforted by the fact you are not invincible. You are almost a guru helping to guide many of us who have been through narcissist abuse (most more than once), it helps to realize it’s ok not to be ok. Thank you for sharing. (and hugs to you as you go thru this part of your journey).
I think it’s really important that you pointed out, briefly, that there’s a difference between purposefully narcissistic relationships and normal relationships that have narcissistic elements. I think you’re right about this being why there are so many people upset by narcissistic abuse right now. And, while that’s difficult and painful, there is a difference in outright, malignant partner abuse. Lots of suffering out there. Thanks for your perspective.
I completely agree with this poignant comment!!!! 👏🏼 That's why I have my channel! To serve as a platform to explore malignant behaviors and to show how this can all point to criminality at the end... This abuse needs to stop. I'm so sick of this capitalistic/empirialistic world mentality that devalues the human experience just to gain an ends to their means using the backs of the empaths' perceptions of reality. It's a world-mass problem... I chose my education and career to address this issue since I'm a survivor of domestic violence.
@@lourdestorres9825 Back Neck Frontal core text Reality I'm in shark infested waters But m growing my own love Whilst taking serious damage fr9m outsiders who abuse tech privledge my eyes my tech and try to twist my perceptions. Thus pushing me further into reach of illusion for survival so my system does not keep taking hits. Ironically i have more compassion towards them because the tech era has extremely dark manivuers beyond even their reach of undersranding and i dont want them to suffer a grand hoover People do not even know whst thst really is yet. I have no friends rarely c my family. Get messed with by the town establishment. Basically bullied to gain fear off of me. They do not respect boundries and a entire flock came at ne today several times. The pull causes serious head trauma and people heavyily addicted to tech (i m not perfect and take 2 substances to relax my system do to the trauma hits that have not stopped in almost 10yrs)-- they-do not realize the potential fate that could happen if the thing that got ahold of me enters them. They might die. I alnost did. My life is not a game but m surrounded by pr9gramming on repeat. The operational system im connected to will ultimatly fail n the tech control will lose its power. Its torture whst i endure. Looks normal to an outsider they have a link to my mind my memories and try to currupt my thought n memory system. Not happening! I keep changing my thoughts n ironically m becoming stronger and less angry. They need a person angry n hostile to control them easier. They have tech that enters my personal home and my body. Not cool guys. Its like premeditated homicide*
Bloody Hell! Like listening to a mirror!? Thriving with love, barely surviving without? Nailed it! I've more to say, but we'd be here all day. Thanks man.
It takes A LOT of self actualization and shadow work to get to this point…when you go through it, and come out the other side. Wow. But not in the awe inspiring sense of the word, but wow in the lower case. Humility and perspective and…breaking the cycle of repetition compulsions that led us to these types of relationships to begin with. wow.
Thank you for sharing yourself so authentically. Your grasping the whole concept of what this means to you has changed you deeply in who you are... I can feel it to my bones. The courageous vulnerability (strength) you are sharing is enough to make ones soul sing for joy! Well done dear Richard. From one expanding human to another, I get you.
Yes it’s time we all start to speak our truth and authentic self. Sure you have to have the insight to be able to do this. Sharing your vulnerability like this helps everyone to grow and gives others courage to do so :)
Resonated with this to the core. I have much gratitude for the Tower these days. It's a cleansing storm, much like many of your 'hit the nail on the head' insights. 🙏
It’s so beneficial to hear your experiences. For me it validates my own feelings and makes me feel less alone in this. You’re amazingly generous Richard.
This made me cry! I fully appreciate your vulnerability and openness! I have been following you now for a few years and you are remarkable! I too have been what I can only describe as fully opening my heart. I have done a lot of my own shadow integration and have come to some very dark realisations about the love and relationships I have had and have still, and indeed my narcissism and codependent behaviours that I was not aware of and what I thought was ‘normal’ until I too had a breakthrough (aka a breakdown). Awareness is everything and embodiment is next! It’s an unreal journey. I have since started another relationship, which feels very different, why? Because I am very different and becoming aware of my own BS. I have also been Looking into the polarities of the feminine and masculine which is teaching me so much! I am deeply proud of anyone who digs deep into the real realms of unconditional love! We are always learning ❤️ Sending heaps of love! And thank you for sharing 😊
Love it!!!! This helped me identify with my own swirling feelings. Having had a partner of 5.5 years, dump me because I had to have major back surgery and couldn't play and travel with her for 6 month recovery. To her defense she had been diagnosed with bladder cancer and had a limited time horizon. It is the way she did it behind my back with lies and deceptions (which hurt as much as the loss of her love) bringing in another man before discarding me. It was the classic Narcissistic love cycle of being the one, then a very rapid devaluation and discard. When, I finally got what I think is the truth...she said that when she met the new guy, she had confidence that she could get his total devotion to her. Which apparently he gave her after a 4 hour afternoon visit. The whole process made me see that she was a Grandiose Narcissist (which I had been blind to) and worry for her about "what this new guy is up to". .
"Good things happen slowly, bad things (like a disaster) happen suddenly." Human tragedy comes upon us slowly, then suddenly. Before we know it, it's done, over , finito.
The lying, is not necessarily to exert “dominance”-I think many people lie when they’re getting to know someone because they are seeking acceptance rather than dominance and or are they are trying to make an a attempt to create a version of themselves they think the other person would desire. I think lying to exert dominance is much more prevalent in relationships that are involved in the work place, group, or family.... not necessarily in a new potential love interest. I’d be turned off by a potential love interest lying to dominate in the relationship - unless it’s a desire discussed with mutual consent between the involved. 😉 ....just my thoughts.... I am a new follower and am enjoying your personal insights on topics I too am interested in. Thank you.
I think this is where we can see that even something as innocent as seeking acceptance can also be seen through a lens of narcissism and how that’s “controlling the other person’s perspective.” We’re all guilty of these things, and having some narcissistic traits does not make anyone a bad or abusive person. There is clearly a difference between “controlling someone’s perception” out of wanting acceptance and “controlling someone’s perception” out of a desire to dominate them, gaslight them, make them lower than you, etc.
Yes. Showing a deep disrespect for yourself, a lack of love, someone you wouldn't want to be involved with and someone who shouldn't be in relationship.
Thank you for your honesty Richard! Exactly why I still feel gun shy. I don't trust my attractions nor myself. I am an addict and romance, sex and attachment gets me really really high....original trauma bond comes out to look for her captor again. It sneaks out, I am completely oblivious, and I change. Unfortunately mine has been a slow long burn towards this awareness. Too many layers. Too scary. Too painful. Too much dissociation. I just don't want to "pick up" anymore. I feel powerless.
Right before my addictive and spiritual collapse. I woke in terror, heart pounding out of my chest like total adrenaline dump to the last drop. The pounding in my chest was insane and can't be forgotten. I dreamed of laying in the same bed I was laying in. Exactly no difference between the dream and reality. Except in my dream my body was engulfed in flames. One second that will last forever. I was in a narcissistic relationship but committed to see it through since I took her hand in marriage. There was no concept of personality disorders at that time in my learning. A short time after that dream it was like dark forces and my decision to drink one gin Martini lunged me into a 2 year hell of the worst I could ever be. It's hard to believe good forces can allow extreme situations, but damned if they don't. Everything I am has been driven by extremes. The only way I learn. Even Grandpa told me I just don't listen. To end up in the same relationships after that again again until the one day, a very crafty "she" took me down by the emotional neck. Bless her heart. Was she just like mom or was I just the messed up little kid? Well, all I know is gf was worse than being on fire in bed. The big difference is I'm moving forward and talk to my parts of brain and inner child every day. Felt good to get that out. Whoop! NB: This video. So easy to spot pain in others. Hope it's that easy to not be fooled again.
I thank you for sharing such a private situation in your life. I cannot express how much I needed to hear another speak on this topic as I am in a similar situation with no one to talk to about it and no support as I try to navigate through it. I didn't sign up for the madness, crazy making, gaslighting, projection, abuse, isolation, dishonesty and manipulation I've endured now for over two years. Who I feel in love with doesn't and never did exist. The foundation of our relationship completely crumbled beneath me and I've questioned every aspect of what I though we were, who I thought he was. Choosing to stay with him has created a landslide of toxicity in my life that I can't see getting out from under. The level of narcissism is terrifying and I will throw out these words as I am not in a position to diagnose another. I believe somatic, psychopath, sexual deviant, narcissist, sadist. Lol.....I need a coach, therapist....someone who beyond well versed in narcissistic abuse. I've tried leaving but embarrassingly have fail everytime. I feel as though I won't make it if I continue on this path for much longer.
Same thing happened to me. Literally, or at least subjectivity it felt literal, I felt light come into my skull when I almost died during the relationship. After that, my identity was fractured, my ego was fractured, all my wounds came to the surface over a period of years, everything I’ve ever done wrong came to the surface over a period of years, a ton of wisdom started coming to me. I understood this all as a good process even though it was the opposite of comfortable. I’ll never be the same after that relationship. I keep on the healing and becoming wiser journey. And I ever more so now value my peace, logic, civility, creative expression, and basically good energy stuff.
A healthy relationship is a business partnership in the sense that both parties must be at a win-win, or else it doesn’t work. Both people should meet each other’s needs while ensuring and expressing that their own are being met. Any other situation is not a relationship. Furthermore, I really think you need to look into the different attachment styles, especially as taught by Dr. Thais Gibson here on RU-vid. It will definitely change your life to know how and why you relate to the world and it’s people on a most fundamental level. I would love to know yours, I’m a fearful avoidant. I hope you feel better soon, Richard. It’s breaking my heart to see you, one of my personal hero’s, in this amount of pain. It’s also crazy to know that you too get deeply triggered by events in relationships, I thought I was the only one/ I’m still at that level where there is much left to do, despite me already doing everything. Much love and appreciation!!!
“You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” - Buddha
The Buddha never said that. That is one of many many anonymous statements attributed to him. Gautama Buddha (the historical actual Buddha) was not into being some kind of self-affirmation Guru and finding your true love. If you want to know the original authentic words of the Buddha pick up a copy (a translation) of the Dhammapada. P.s.that poetry that you just quoted is simply saying love yourself in a fancy way. But what does that actually mean, and how does that exactly workout? Everybody likes to use the word love without knowing what that actually entails, but it's so easy to say. It just sounds good. What if love is just an idea in one's own mind. And what if there is something better than so-called love? Love is such an overused word. People say I love chocolate so should you love yourself like chocolate?
That's pretty sad... I am seeing a world where everyone loves themselves by themselves and no one else out there besides oneself deserving enough to share the same with another! OH NOOOOO
@@grosbeak6130 True THAT! I understand Intimacy to be the essence of life... it is your life. Of course, the kind we have with a child would look much different with a partner or a friend or one's equal half. Nevertheless, what makes Love real in our physical world is the experience of the presence of Intimacy. PS: Clearly, sex is not intimacy; it can certainly enhance intimacy; however, it's not intimacy.
@@grosbeak6130 The original would seem to be in the Udana of the Pali canon, where we read, in Bhikkhu Thanissaro’s translation, “Searching all directions with one’s awareness, one finds no one dearer than oneself. In the same way, others are fiercely dear to themselves. So one should not hurt others if one loves oneself." So it’s a rewording. Having studied and practiced “hardcore” damma the better part of my life I can assure you, metta, self acceptance and yes “love” are the foundation of the Buddhist teachings.
@@Simbaibass if that's what you choose to see here is some kind of rewording then that is your own conclusion. Be careful though of such rewording, for they carry sentiments that are not in the original. So you say the word "seem". Also this "hardcore" dharma that you speak of. I know of no such thing, no such dharma. I only know of Gautama Buddha's Dhamma. And this Dhamma is to be found in the Four Noble Truths and the Noble Eightfold path. I suggest you go over those and study them. Those are the foundations of the Buddha's teachings and path. P.s. also, you seem to miss the whole point of my response and comment here.
Sounds like RICHARD had his heartbroken by a small young intelligent and dominant woman! WELL DONE for being human and vulnerable! Heartbreak is real and so is healing. A man that doesn't love isnt a man - a man that loves deeply and hurts risks it all for the greatest of prizes
Everything was destroyed after my last relationship. He even used his mother to harass me then told me I was crazy. I lost my home, credit, self respect, self worth, I lost myself. I turned into a monster. He tried to put me into a mental institution and when it didn't work blocked me. I still wanted him. He threw me out with nothing after I was an extremely successful woman. He told me how much he learned from me, how much he got from me, and it was his first major breakup at 38, I was his best friend. I can't help thinking he sucked the best pieces out of me, and he gets away being better, feeling superior. He always wanted to be superior to me and he got it.
I've learned so much through your channel. it's always a struggle to have to rediscover yourself and put your life back together post collapse. I'm recovering from a lot of psychological warfare from family and relationships. discovering my codependent nature and seeing how I played a part in my own destruction has opened my eyes to a lot of aspects in my life. I am always afraid to be alone because it devaluates my existence, even though I've been alone my whole life. I've only been in one long term relationship and had no idea that I was being treated like shit and manipulated, then trying to save my relationship I started to feel the need to be manipulative and play games. it was a lot like your vampire analogy,
Timely, deep and very helpful analysis, Richard, thank you for sharing. Just last night on a long walk, I was contemplating similar themes from my childhood that keep playing out in various romantic and non-romantic situations, the most recent two non-romantic ones being the most traumatic, painful and surreal. I just connected more dots last night and have been gaining understanding about having been primed by childhood trauma and abuse for these repetitive experiences that keep showing up to teach me and wake me up to certain assumptions I’ve made which were false. The words that came to mind which I realized as common throughout these lifelong experiences were - trauma, betrayal, scapegoating, abuse, exploitation, coercion, narcissism, manipulation, gaslighting, control, deception, delusion, illusion, victimization, pain, naïveté, fantasy, co-dependency. No wonder I have been afraid to dip my toe back into the dating pool, I’m still too raw and recovering from the recent and biggest nightmare of my life, which wasn’t even romantic, and I understand the unconscious pull of these situations thanks to you, Pete Walker, Gabor Mate and a few others. I haven’t gotten to the end of Walker’s book as you mention, but I know there is much more work to be done despite a lifetime of inner work already. It’s not for the faint of heart. We are wounded warriors 🦁 on a journey to freedom and peace. Thank you for your courageous, authentic leadership and your gift of clarity and communication. Oh, and isn’t it wonderful when the unconscious leads us to a book or movie that holds a lesson we are ready to learn?! 🙏💜
I am sorry you had to go through all that. It took me really working through codependency, and that need for control to really heal. Brene Brown really nailed it when she said the opposite of connection is control. That rocked my core...that and my son not speaking to me for almost two years because I tried to control an aspect of his life in an effort to "protect" him and the family. It wasn't until I truly saw his perspective and learned that I was indeed attempting to control out of a desire for love and not to be abandoned. CPTSD is so hard to heal from, and as I have learned even as a counselor, it takes as long as it takes. Thanks for all your good work and sharing your vulnerability without shame in an effort to educate others❤️
Thank you so much for this video Richard. I can't even begin to describe how timed this was. I had a major breakthrough yesterday and I'm still crying happy tears today. It took me 41 years to realize my inner strength, I was surrounded by people who tried to deny me that truth and I believed it, I thought they were right and lived my life accordingly. Yesterday I broke those beliefs and I almost can't believe it. It's both frightening and relieving at once. I even blurted out, after a yoga session, to myself "I love you" With exception of my son being born, that was the very best moment of my life. Thank you Richard, your courses and videos set me on this path, I did the work. I don't know where I would be without your help ❤️
That was beautiful. While going through those points in relationships is always painful, but after the purge one always comes out some level more grown up. If life is a video game you had a boss battle and then ascended to the next level. More XP points under the belt and now ready for the next hero story cycle. What an uplifting video to start my day with. Time and attention well spent.
Loved listening to this. Totally get it and appreciate the unfiltered, undiluted and un-prettified way you describe what is essentially, just the truth.
Thank you for your sincerity always. I've been in a Tower situation for the last 6 months. Coming out of it now. I'm having to heal my codependent tendencies and attachment issues. It has lead me to a Spiritual Journey. I especially agree with your point here that we lie in relationships because we are trying to control our image - which is what our parents taught us - perfection. Just got out of a relationship with someone where our traumas (and trauma responses) lead to a narcissistic dynamic. He was not an overt narcissist, but myopic in his coping style and so was I. Thank you. Sending love.
Thank you for sharing this. Being open and vulnerable. My Tower moment began when my younger brother took his own life in 2017. It completely woke me up. He told me his death was going to hurt me but he saw that I would find a strength within my self that he could see and I could not yet. He was so right. I am grateful things went exactly as they did.
I've been there and I'm still recovering. I'm sorry that you had to endure but appreciative of you being able to speak so eloquently and concisely about your experience. Thank you
Thank you for sharing your thoughts about things that I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about, because they automatically think it's just me who is weird.
I’m so glad you do these videos. Its not just romantic relationships this happens in. I had issues with my own mother not being present emotionally and having a highly critical narcissistic father. I have one also highly narcissistic critical older brother so my mother was the only source of love and affection for me as a young girl and our whole family put her on a pedestal as we were all vying for her attention and love. It was like it was a competition for my mother’s love. I basically gave up on my father for any type of validation. So I’ve always been seeking validation and really a substitute mother from my friends. I have become conscious of this deep need in me and I hate feeling so needy in friendships but knowing it doesn’t seem to stop me doing things like oversharing and not having strong boundaries about my own thoughts. My husband is not emotionally present (just like my parents weren’t) so I have always automatically sought validation from friends instead. It causes so much pain though and has set me up for a lot of narcissistic abuse. I went through an experience of betrayal by a supposed ‘friend’ recently who in hindsight was highly narcissistic & who turned on me and discarded me after I trusted her and I thought I could actually rely on her. I didn’t even think I had that much invested in her either, she was the one that initiated much of the earlier contact I just ended up thinking I could trust her and be open & honest. But it was all just an act on her part as it turned out. And I stupidly bought into her classic narcissistic lies. I’ve lost quite a few close friends over the years and the betrayal always hurts so much. The friends I do have left operate at quite a superficial level, and there is really no one who I feel truly understands me at a deep level which is quite lonely. The last discard sent me into weeks of shock really searching for answers on line. I made a lot of progress in my understanding of psychology and I made some significant personal breakthroughs. But as you say it’s not without cost. Its like you physically get destroyed as well as mentally and recovery is difficult. I feel in actual pain some days. I hate the fact that I’m still recovery when she has just sailed on in her ‘perfect’ narcissistic fantasy world likely without losing any sleep. I want the recovery process to move on so I can forget all these people that have caused me so much pain and move on with my life and have it never happen again.
Even when you talk about things that make me cringe because I recognize the exact same trait in myself, I always appreciate your openness & honesty. I always learn something valuable. So thanks!
Ah, yes. The loveless environment. I recently got a fortune cookie that read, a change of environment will do a world of good. Now the question is, where in the world is a loveful environment? Perhaps leaning into one's own imagination & creativity for the sui generis loveful environment? That's discipline.
Honestly, tuning into oneself may just be the one loveful environment we can find. It’s the only place we can fully control and ensure it IS full of love and compassion and self-honoring. 💜
Richard sorry to hear that you've been hurt again. No, it doesn't undermine the work that you do or your messages. You being open about your experiences, what you've learned, what to consider moving forward, is a gift to those going through similar experiences. I hope the healing process from this brings you even more insight and growth.
Thank you Richard for this brutally vulnerable and beautifully honest accounting of this tower moment in your life. It smooths the edges of pending self discovery and the discomfort that accompanies reassembling one's self from the inside out. This graceless and painful process that I suspect most of us spend our lives trying to avoid, is in fact the truest path to self enlightenment and self awareness.... if we're lucky enough, strong enough, blessed enough to come out the other side. You are not alone in your aloneness.
Personal transformation is often necessary, and ALWAYS painful. But the reward is worth it, for anyone wondering. I smile more now, am more accepting of others, not bothered so much by awkward (or hurtful) people. Go through the fire, but never smell of smoke.
Richard, of course we all must suffer a crisis of self confidence occasionally to remain honest and keep ourselves oriented. However, the insight and inspiration which you provide both in your videos and online courses is invaluable. Thank you for what you do. I went through a bit of a mini breakdown over the summer myself around my expectations for romantic love and my self image. Your words were the difference between falling back into old patterns and leveling up to unknown freedom. Please keep doing what you’re doing and I hope that you are well, cheers.
Richard, I get your point. I would like to offer another view about lying to a significant life person. I found I would tell lies because of fear. The fear of not being viewed as perfect. The fear that my caregivers or significant others would leave me or retaliate against me for revealing my imperfections. Once I recognized I was operating out of childhood trauma, I tapped into my emotional & shadow self. Made peace and embraced all those parts of me. Now, I speak and stand in my truth. If others around me are comfortable with that, it's all good. If not, I open the door and let them go. No need for lies nor wasting precious time. Keep up the fantastic work Richard!!🤜🏽🤛🏽
Fantastic. You communicated this so clearly, deeply and insightfully. My tower was beautiful and strong on the outside, but unbeknownst to me, built on a faulty foundation that was being slowly eaten away at by bugs and “problems” that went unaddressed. The fall was massive and earth-shattering. The rebuild of my life and soul amidst the rubble, is a gift. Thank you for sharing your gifts and insights with a world and souls who sooooo need it!
Thank you for sharing. I was part of the inner circle and am working on my second attempt at summoning the self. I have seen you grow through your videos over the years, and your authenticity is what separates you from other creators, in my opinion. Keep your head up!
You pointed to Alyosha Karamazov in The Brothers Karamazov, a book that changed me. Alyosha, like many mystics is "in love" or inside love, the kind of love that doesn't expect or even want another to love back. When we are inside love or when we are love, we don't require the other. The other dissolves away, and we experience pure bliss.
Thank you so much for your honesty. I'm trying to heal from childhoodwounds/abuse so I don't repeat the same patterns of behavior. I think it's a life long process/journey.
I think she did you a favor. Would you rather be the person you were pre episode or post? I applauded you for your openness and willingness to share. I applaud you. Not an east thing to do.
Very clear message. Excellent for growth needed for healing. The shadow side, as tumultuous it is, is a profound awakening to a better and emotionally stronger self in many ways. However recognizing that in the process is difficult. Love from another, whether a significant other, family member, or close friend will always test us. My mistake was I didn't have a backup plan, didn't think I needed one. Learning from those experiences is time consuming but I do believe worth it. At some point we can begin to trust ourselves much better, whether staying single or at some point choosing to take a risk again... The Sun card is still in the deck!
Ditto on the lack of a back-up plan. Sure, I had a resource or two to fall back on, but I was in love, working without a net. Nasty crunch at the end, quite a limp now. But now I know, and my bandolier is full.
Wowkie, I went thru something like Richard 2 month ago. Before I met him, I felt pretty emotionally balanced and grounded and yet his behavior towards me and all present situation in my life at the time, it just mixed my feelings, emotions and thoughts in something very fucking challenging. I withdrew myself from his physical presence and was able to make some sense of it, but my heart need more time...I am healing now...perhaps it was necessary to experience this again, so I put myself first, love myself, me completely. I do not want to be always choice in between something or somebody for man, my partner. I want him, to be sure, who he is and with whom he wants to be in his experience of life.
I went through this recently o ly at a slower pace. Ahhh that phrase we/ others say to ourselves " Should Be" . Nah we Should Just Be. That word Just again. I was faced with my Self and lifetime of Narcassitic abuse. I feel ya. Thank you for sharing this it's helpful knowing I'm not the only one who realized too what you really can't say but happy your taking care of yourself. Keep being you Richard. Grateful you share your honesty and vulnerabilities to the world because you can't imagine or maybe you how it uplifts our consciousness collectively. All best to you. 🌟💛💫
Thank you for sharing this. I’ve had a similar experience. At the end of the relationship I was so in shock that I let that happen to me, that I got so manipulated, that I found myself in this horrible situation when I should have seen the Red lights right from the start but I didnt. I was mad at myself but with the help of a therapist I started to forgive myself and now i take it as a great lesson for future.
I love how Richard always integrates multiple genres and disciplines, literature, psychology, tarot… I learn so much! Ty, Richard! Yes, my time has been well spent. Years and years of learning from you and with you!
Thank you, Richard. You showed us love and intimacy again, by showing yourself, as is, warts and pain and all. No exerting power there... ;-) You are right that especially intimate relationships by their nature trigger power dynamics. And that is why this is the place where the most healing can occur, if both people are willing to be vulnerable and do the(ir own) work. Love goes out the door as soon as power walks in... and vice versa. Even if and when in the end you conclude you are not a good fit together, as a result of your honesty, you let love rule. You are never a good fit if you both can't be authentic with each other and committed to growth: you can have a functional relationship at best. Most are just that. Which is okay, if it is a conscious decision on both parts, but that takes... honesty. LOL You don't have to be perfect or totally healed to be a coach (there wouldn't be any coaches left... LOL!). And you don't have to be, to be in a relationship that is fundamentally good and becoming healthier, aka less of a power dynamic and more and more about love and intimacy. You can only act on the knowledge you have at the time. And that is perfectly fine. You made a big leap, Richard, kudos to you!
Appreciate what you share Richard. Sometimes our problems remain unsolved because we just don't have the right language to express what is really happening. When you described how that perfect toxic mix combines to explode out the tower, your crown falling off and destruction...I can see in my own past, how it had almost come to a head many times before, but it just could never knock me off my perch. When it happened for me, it was CATASTROPHIC, the fallout within the dysfunctional family system is still affected, even almost a decade later. I look back and wonder if I would have eventually got to where I am now without all the pain and destruction inflicted on my life. I do my best to be philosophical. I like to let things happen naturally, forcing unresolvable issues to be resolved only leads to multiplied pain.
Thank you for sharing your pain Richard, it just shows your strenght. Every day that we wake up on this Earth gives us a new chance to restart, rebuild and hopefully heal a little bit more. Your time spent helping people is precious and I'm sure the universe will give you back the healing that you need as well.
So sorry to hear about your “tower” experience. These are always shocking and unsettling. I always value how you share your own experiences as we know it means you truly “get it” when you share how you work through them. Thanks again for sharing.
THANK YOU !! . Just beautifully shared and succinctly clarified . This has helped me see things much more clearly . Please DO keep sharing from your experience . These personal ,shared lessons hit home the most .
These burning towers are the foot stools up the ladder of a healers path. They suck. But it’s part of the evolution. Narcissism is a spectrum that we all slide up and down at points in our lives, particularly when in fight or flight. People aren’t even aware sometimes they are behaving this way. It’s all part of the trials. And when we can recognise our own behaviours and develop empathy, we evolve and grow. We are all human. As much as we try not to be. Keep doing what you’re doing. You have been invited up to the next level so you can continue to bring light to the darkness of others x
Absolutely love your Tarot analogy with the tower 🙏🏻 one of my favourite video from you as the part about lying/controlling the other’s perspective is what I tried to explain to my ex recently. Look forward to the follow up videos 🙏🏻👁
First and foremost make sure that you're practicing what you preach. One has to take a long hard look in the mirror before they start telling somebody else especially their ex what's up.
Wow, I am overwhelmed, super powerful. My own breakdown lasted almost 3 years and indeed I was extremely sick, depressed, delusional. I described it as like having a bad flu that never went away, month after month. It was only talk therapy that helped me recover. I will not overshare, but I had some of the same experiences as Richard.
Coming from someone who is building himself up after the lightning bolt. My hat goes off to this video for its message is both beautiful, real and horrific. Especially the line about our own narcisism is so very deep if you are willing to look that deep within oneself.
Food for thought: lying in a relationship sounds to me like more of a boundary issue than a power struggle. If you can trust someone with your heart, why not trust them with a response like “I’m sorry, I’m not ready to talk about that yet” instead of lying? Isn’t expressing that you don’t feel comfortable with a certain topic a form of intimacy too? As always, thanks for sharing your thoughts and for another good video.
I had the same thought. Although I can see that protecting your vulnerability ultimately is a controlling issue. When you say: "I'm sorry, I'm not ready to talk about that yet," and you genuinely think this has something to do with the other person, then you are still in power dynamics with them. While in reality, this is about you facing whatever you don't like to be out in the open, and you still haven't finished being comfortable with your own shadows.
I just witnessed my close friends breaking up and I saw so clearly this power dynamics and shadows. Meanwhile I was completely unaware of my own for about 10 years of horrible heart break. So yeah, it can happen to all of us!
Yes this is exactly what happened to me, a spiritual and emotional bolt of lightning that struck my psychie and woke me up as a Heyoka Empath (which I'd never heard of before). Thunderbeings operating through literal lightning they call it concerning the Lakota, Dakota Sufi heyoka's of North America. Though I don't claim to be a bloodline of the beautiful Sufi's mind you. Yep therapy I'd recommend for any adult who was abused as a child. I was physically and emotionally abused and neglected, scapegoated etc to a severe degree. I ended up rebelling from young childhood went off into ADHD and secondary psychopathy. But today I'm a good boy, lol. Thankfully I didn't become a narcissist and was protected from my Narcissist-psychopath father by my mother. Thanks Richard. Standing with you. Saint Anger.
This one hit home. I’m still recovering from this. Still working on rebuilding a more realistic and functional foundation in the place of the one that crumbled. Thank you once again for putting into words what I’ve Been unable to put into words myself.
I do feel that my time was well used to watch your sharing what you have experienced. This work you do is really, really hard and if you are in the process, you cannot just stop for a break. I would have had a different impression if I only had listened to your voice telling this, but I saw the video itself. I could see signs on you face of this all consuming thought work. I do appreciate your sharing, this gives me a lot, a LOT of support. Thank you, Richard.
Damn. The tower. I have received it when there's a paradigm shift. It's literal as well as psychological. It's showed up thrice already within a couple of weeks. And the ground is definitely shaking. It happens when I've lost touch with the surface of the earth. And have stopped participating, hands-on, with the game of life. That's an imbalance. And life corrects us if one floats too far above ground reality. About lying it might not be control for controls sake. But control to keep close and not lose the other. So the underlying fear of being alone might be at play when lies are being told. I don't know how that makes it better but just knowing that you feel lost and vulnerable without the other and that the subconscious motive is to 'keep close' because all your meanings are wrapped up in the other. Makes a slight wee difference when we sit and evaluate and pass judgements on ourselves or the other or what was shared. Oh so.. I'm frail. Is not an easy thing to accept. I'm needy is anti ego. It's been my observation that a "successful" relationship is by default built on lies. if the lies get disturbed then the cradle falls. So both participants dedicatedly try to keep the lies intact. And sometimes there's no fledgling in the nest other than ones own injured or abandoned inner self. It is about self interest always. Otherwise one would not need a relationship at all.
Glad to hear that you've come through or are part way through the tunnel of this experience. It seems true that suffering can leads to enlightenment and recently I heard a buddhist monk say that "I have had many teachers in my life, but one that taught me the most is Suffering". Words are insufficient to describe situations and dynamics that vary so much as to make them incomparable anyway. But one expression that seems to crop up a lot of late is the label of 'control' or 'coercion' in the power dynamic of all relationships, and although I am quick to accept that extreme examples of wielding ones' will over another could fairly be described in such terms I don't actually think it's as common as suggested and it's good to have this flagged up... people reach for the most extreme examples rather than a more measured reality that in our relationships we like to have 'influence' with those we have emotional connections with because it insulates us against what we would deem to be unjust behaviour. That said, I really have no idea of the relationship you're describing so this may be a total aside and quite irrelevant. So go slow and take it easy on yourself as tomorrow is another day... fantastic isn't it?!
Richard, I know my time and attention were/are well spent with you. From the feel of this video, I believe I am going through the after effects (realizations, with brutal and very painful honesty) of something similar. I much appreciate you for all that you share & teach!!! 🙏🏼 You have been and are of great help to me! Looking forward to hearing more on this…thank you!!! 🌻☀️
Thank you for sharing mate. It was worth my time. I feel like I am going through something similar now. I am grateful I am not in a blame , or hate , I could very easily be. Instead I am just looking at where I was flawed and how it happened.
