When You Want Children But Your Partner Doesn't - TWR Podcast #62 

I don't want kids and I let a man know after the first couple dates. It's not up for discussion or compromise, so they can make an informed decision if they want to continue dating me.

I never wanted kids, I've zero maternal instinct, zero desire to take over this role and I'm consciously childfree. I met someone and the attraction was instant. I thought we'd just have fun and that'd be it, but it started turning into something serious. I knew from the first date that he wanted kids and he knew I didn't. Soon we both started catching feelings for one another and I told him I'd think about it. I actually did, I researched, tried to picture myself with a family and even the thought of it would make me sick. So i just ended it today after two months saying I didn't want him to get hurt as we don't share the same values. No matter how much it hurts, that's a deal breaker and it's better to do it soon rather than later when the relationship has progressed and feelings have grown

I genuinely believe there isnt such a thing as a compromise when it comes to having kids. Either you want them of you don't and both are valid. I feel that this is an issue both need to agree on whole heartedly. I don't want kids and I will not change my mind. I'm having a permanent procedure to confirm that. Trying to convince your partner to have a child with you is not a compromise. I saw someone online say they'd "compromise" and just have one kid instead the two their partner wants after them pestering her. She didn't want kids at all. That's not really a compromise. Be upfront about your thoughts on kids always. If having kids is important to you, that's cool, but don't date people who don't want kids expecting them to "compromise" later.

Everyone always says to say if you want kids or not as soon as possible. But knowing from a young age is not always the case. When we met, when we moved in together and when when we got married I still did not know for sure. I still do not know. We talk about it sometimes and I know my husband is getting scared of missing out on something while I am almost sure I can't do it. Nobody had any malicious intent. Nobody hid anything from the other person. Hell, both of us could have changed our minds ten times over the 12 years we are together. People change minds. You can't always plan everything and "end things early if you are not on the same page", life is not this simple.

I have always been upfront about not wanting children. First husband knew it. He told my mother that he was going to change my mind. Lol. Divorce.

This is a question that should be discussed before you marry. Before you get married find out if you guys share the same values. That’s more important than having good sex

2 years after my divorce I met my partner. I was in my late 20's back then. From the very beginning before we committed this relationship I brought up the kids ideas. Both him and I agreed that we wanted to have kids together (more kids for him as he has 2 kids from his previous relationship). 6 years i've been patiently waiting for him to come and be ready to have kids. Last month I gave him a 10 day tropical holiday as a birthday gift and that's when I mentioned about what if we start to plan to have kids this upcoming year. To my surprise he said that he changes his mind about having kids. Until today I am still lost. I really don't know what to do. We loved each other so much. And after 6 years it's becoming more complicated. I am so numb. 😌

Thank you for this episode gentlemen. I needed a non-biased perspective on this subject.

I don’t want kids because I care about kids too much. Feels ironic.

Maybe my sister is a rare case but she never wanted to have kids and her boyfriend did. My sister loved him so much that she agreed to having kids for him. They have 2 children now who are 12 and 15 years old and my sister and her husband are happily married.

Great conversation!

I have been with my boyfriend for 19.5 years, we are high school sweethearts. We bought a home together about 5 years ago. I love his family like my own. We both have okay jobs. I’ve wanted him to propose to me for a while now and I don’t think that will ever happen at this point. When we were in our twenties he talked about marriage and children. Now I’m 37 and he is 36. Still not married and he does not want children. He knows it upsets me that we are not married/no children. I love this man so much. He truly is a good person and I connect with him on such a deep level. I find myself being bitter towards him when our friends and family members get pregnant or married because for so long he said he wanted that and now he doesn’t. He is also a home body which is fine but I feel like I want to explore the world a little more if he doesn’t want the thing (child) that would anchor us for a while. This is all very emotional for me because we go around this world once and I want to make it count.

There is no compromise in this situation. Go your separate ways. I’ve worked with a couple of people who went the compromise route. Both relationships ended in divorce (post kids).

Wow pye''s voice is amazing 💫

You guys are really good at role playing haha 😂 enjoyed this

That is why I never married. I was afraid he would change his mind or pressure me or deceive me into conception . There is no meeting in the middle on this one.

Having kids especially these days is hard...and the world is dangerous and reckless now more then ever so I understand people not wanting kids.

I would like to know what will be the point of you guys, when one of the parners wants a biological kid and the other one just wants to adopt, more likely the women because all this changes the woman is going through, postpartum depression, changes on her body, doesn’t want to go through the new born baby stage either, wants to adopt a little bit older kid of 4 years old, what does the couple can do

Glad I found this. So many of these "having kids" videos focus on the dynamic of women combating the cultural expectation that they should have kids and while that is of course important its not very helpful for men who are in a difficult situation regarding kids. I broke up with my gf who 100% wanted kids and I was unsure about it and that was ultimately the main thing we broke up over out of an otherwise healthy relationship.

Thankyou for this

I been married for 10 years now have a 20 year old daughter from a previous marriage got myself fixed shortly after she was born. Now my current wife wants a kid. Think I might have to let this one go.

It's my first date discussion 😅 do you want to have kida bcs I don't want. End up having break up on the first date itself 😢

I don't want kids. I make it very clear from the very first date that this is not debatable and not a thing I can compromise on. That is one of the the things people need to talk about early in the relationship.

One is optimistic and one is pessimistic

If more folks considered why they want kids, what they are truly able to provide for those kids, whether or not they’re truly willing to allow their kids to pursue their own paths in life and whether or not they can handle being “disappointed” with potential negative outcomes of parenthood… I think fewer people would actually want them. I think often times people want them because they’re told they do. I think they also use kids as a means for control over their spouse or some sort of weird social kudos card. Regardless, children should be non negotiable. If you KNOW you want them, you find someone who wants them as well. If you KNOW you do not, you either stay single or partner up with someone who shares that lack of desire for kids. It’s really that simple. You can deeply love someone at a distance if you both value different things and let them find someone who can provide what they want

This made me feel a lot better. My husband wants kids suddenly after 2 years of being married. I am high risk for pregnancy and I think it's starting to put strain on us. I am only 23 years old and I have time. He is 25. I never wanted kids and I've tried to be around my cousins little kids/babies and I don't want one. The idea of a baby makes me feel ick?

Actuarial data estimates it to cost between $250,000-$300,000 *per child* to raise a kid to the age of 18. That does *not include college* or forecast for the inevitable economic support they will need into adulthood because capitalism means nobody lives fully on their own at 18. Even if one accepts these realities, the best of planning still cannot predict whether your intent to create ONE child will result in multiples- even larger multiples than twins. So one's quest to give their daughter a little brother could suddenly mean going from a family of three to a family of seven. It also *does not include chronic health conditions, disabilities, or catastrophic injuries and illnesses.* For people that have children with severe mental and physical conditions like autism, Down's Syndrome, lung and heart defects, etc. this cost-per-child can be in the millions. Most of these things aren't even known until a woman is in her third trimester, which is when legal options to terminate are mostly nonexistent. Goodbye to saving for retirement- or ever having a life of your own again, EVER. In the United States, a country without a healthcare system, reproductive rights, paid maternity leave and childcare, or any form of social safety net, having children seems absolutely insane to me. That doesn't even account for the impending climate catastrophe, increasing potential for nuclear war, and the inevitable collapse of the U.S. dollar.

You have this conversation in the front end. Idk what the other option is

I am glad to find this. Well for me knowing that i had two c sections i have decided that i dont want to experience the same pain the third time its just horrible however that doesnt mean i cant help raising someone else's child. Its not about carrying a baby but growing my family through adopting ahter peoples children. I was a raised by a foster parent and she did everything she could to raise me she was amazing, i guess thats where i got a desire to do the same. I talked to my now spouse about this and he was on board to adoption now after 6 years of marriage he just changed his mind. Its not like i want to adopt right now but the fact that he changed his mind and its not guaranteed that he will change to agree with me. So what now? Do i forget it?

This was very good! Am at a crossroad in my relationschip off 5 year (shes 30/am 38). We have a very healthy releationship, financial stable, we love each other, etc. She wants a kid and am just not sure. Honestly 99.99% of me says no, i mean i love kids but taking them home and having to take care someone for the next 25 ish years seems like a lot of work on top of the work we have already. These days couples don't stay together forever neither so i start thin,ing, what iff shes sick of me in X years. Then i said yes to something without having her, what would be the main reason to do it ... its killing me!

Ouch😔 together for 13 years 5 years married Brady bunch 2 kids each but he decided no children together

What to do if he wants it way earlier than 30 and I want it after 30 both love each other very much ? He won’t make any further compromises he said he can wait but not until 30. What should we do?

Looking for somw advice. Me and boyfriend have beem together 4 years, both 19. I love kids and am pretty sure I want them but not an absolute yes. Boyfriend is totally on the fence but leaning towards nor wanting kids. Not interested in breaking up and we are in committed relationship, at same college, met the famil, etc. I don't know what to do if he decides in a few years that he doesn't want kids after all.

I told my partner at the start I wanted children but he said he didn't know and now he doesn't.

On the subject of having children, the partner saying no has the deciding vote, because children can't be returned. If it means the relationship breaks up, that is what is means. Better to break up and go your separate ways than to raise an unwanted child within a troubled marriage.

Considering the average cost to raise a child in America from ages 1-17 is around 350k..and that’s just the cost of basic needs. Foregoing education,healthcare,etc.

My husband change his mind about kids after 12 yrs together and i had finished in vitro treatments 😢 he said he is too Old

My partner and I had planned on having at least 2 children with each other. (Together 6 years) We now have one child and she says that does not want anymore children anymore. Is it better to keep the family together and compromise not having more children?

Im in a relationship for over 7 years, my boyfriend doesnt wanna marry me and he doesnt want children with me. The issue is he doesnt want to talk about it. He is ignoring me and doesnt want to talk about our future. Im planning to leave him.. 😢

The discussion is very interesting and I like the fact, that it's not so fix and changing the mind is possible. But I missed the part about the age. For a man has the age of having children another meaning than for women. In a women's life it's a really important question, especially in the age from 30 to 40. For men it's different because they still could have a child with 50 or 60 but women not.

Another thing I think people for get is that if you have a kid at 40 plus, you’ll be raising kids until 60 ish. Let that one sink in. Also, if you think your relationship will grow in love bc of kids, you’re absolutely wrong. Kids add tremendous stress. And who’s to say your kid is going to be an angel?

Shes 35 with 2 kids 9 and 10 im 42 with one daughter' 17. She wants to get married move and have a life together i want another child she doesnt. At some point she did now she doesnt. Idk what to do

There is a woman who married a man who lied to her, telling her he was open to having kids. Then when she married him, he said he really didn't want kids and says he only said that because he loved her and didn't want to lose her. What are your thoughts?

The partner that does not want children should be valued over the partner that does. The regret of not having children isn’t severe as the regret of having children.

Half way through and the guy on the right keeps cutting off the guy on the left. Let him talk. He makes great points.

Financial strain is understandable, however, our grandparents/ great grandparents worked hard and often times in those days didn’t have it all together. My grandparents came from Puerto Rico and already had 4 or 5 children when they came to the states and went on to having 11 all together and raised a few of their grandchildren. I agree you should have a healthy relationship but back in the day our grandparents were in it through the struggles and people today give up so easily. My mom is the youngest of the 11 children and my grandparents home was the place to be during holidays, the love was felt within that home and being with them, so in the end having children is worth it. Have to be willing to invest in building a family, a relationship is give and take and forms best through love and compromise. Just my opinion. My struggle at the moment is that I went through a divorce, we have three beautiful children together and I’m struggling with the fact that I was not done building my family and my now husband loves the children I already have but does not want one of his own, it’s heartbreaking. I’ve always wanted a big family, five kids.

Sometime it’s not clear. Perhaps non of you knew. But i don’t think is fair once you get pregnant and the man told you just before that he want’s children. And then bail and have no contact. Telling you over and over that you have to make an abortion. That is just surreal and heartbreaking

I've always wanted to be a young mother. Because I didn't have any siblings and I was so alone, I wanted 2 or 3 kids. I got married when I was 24 and in my opinion it was still ok, I could still be a young mother. Then Surprise! My husband doesn't want to have kids. I didn't think there would be such a person. I didn't know what to do. I tried to change his mind, but it didn't work. I thought, there will be some mistake and I'll get pregnant, but it didn't happen. I was in a big big depression for about 2 years! Waking up in the middle of the night and cutting my own hair. So many times I found myself with a knife at my hand thinking about killing myself but I didn't have the power to bear the pain and I didn't want to fail. In the same time I loved him so much and I couldn't leave him. Even if I left him I was running out of time for being a young mother. So I stayed. It took me another two years to get recovered, get out of the depression and leave slowly all the pills my psychiatrist gave me. During that time he washed my brain about how bad having kids is. So for a period of my life I was so against having kids. When I was 29, I got pregnant. He said it's totally your decision, I'll be there whatever you choose. My mother was 30 years old when she gave birth and she worked a lot really a lot. At school other children's mothers were all young or if they were around my mother's age, they had other children , which are older than me. The other moms didn't work, they were mostly housewives or they had some light work, so they could come and pick up the child or make food or be there and spend enough time with the kid. I was envying them a lot. So if I was going to be a mother I had to be younger than 30 and actually my age limit was 27 for the first kid. And I had to be a housewife. So when I found out I'm pregnant at my late 29, which means I'll be 30 when I give birth and I was so brain washed by my husband and I was so against having kids, I was so sure about the abortion. Now I regret that decision every once in a while. We were living in the middle east at that time. Now we live in Europe and it's really nice here. I really want to be a kid myself and grow up here or never grow up😅 now my husband is ok if I want to have kids. He says it's a nice country, a nice city for having kids. He still doesn't want to have kids but he is ok with it. The reason behind it is that he doesn't want to be blamed later , because of him we didn't have kids. I'm now 35!!! I don't have that energy. We don't have space in our apartment, we don't have money for children. With a lot of sacrifice we can have 1. I'm really angry at him for bringing this so sensitive topic up again. It's totally what I was against: having an only child and at 35 years old! I don't think I can bear the noise he/she is going to make, the dirt, I don't have the energy it requires. I'm a cigarette addict and I don't want to smoke until I can't breathe when I'm 7 months pregnant, like my mother did. My husband won't quit smoking and it will be hard real hard to quit alone. I have high blood pressure and I'm taking medication. I mean in this situation why do you bring up this topic again!?! It's really so not fair!!!

My wife and I have 1 kid together and everyone is happy, we both tremendously enjoy being parents. However, I really really want to have another child and She is adamant that she does not. It's heartbreaking because she is taking something immeasurable from me, but I don't want to destroy my young kids happy home.

Had talk with boyfriend tonight. He seems willing to compromise and have a kid for me, but he is 15 years older than me and I feel kinda bad for even asking

Interviewer; I wonder: Were you doing this work, audio video interviews, using your rich voice, prior to becoming involved with your, ex, your previous wife?

It’s very simple actually a person has no business getting into a marriage when there is no commitment to continue having children. That’s what marriage is all about… a commitment to one another to raise children

Why do the people who do podcasts always try to make their voices sound like a narrator of a movie???

A 30 minute podcast with no input from a mother or even a woman. Congrats on getting 50% of the story.

Y do people date others and don't establish base line things like kids.