Portal 2 - All Cave Johnson Quotes 

"In case you got covered in that repulsion gel here's some advice the lab boys gave me **flips through notes** DO NOT GET COVERED IN THE THE REPULSION GEL"

"We're throwing science at the wall here to see what sticks" Perfectly sums up Aperture with all the random experiments they performed.

"Science isn't about why, it's about why not!" my favorite one.

Whoever wrote this dialogue is a Genius.

the way Glados responding to Cave's lemon quote melted my heart. She was so excited and joyful as if he was still alive and it hurt me dearly

J.K. Simmons is the best

"...anyways, don't stress yourself thinking about it. Im serious. Visualising the scenario while under stress actually triggers the reaction." LMAO imagine hearing that

With the absolutely ABSURD amount of health code and safety laws this man was violating, I am truly bewildered as to how his company didn't get shut down and how he didn't get arrested.

"When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade, MAKE LIFE. TAKE THE LEMONS BACK. GET MAD! I DON'T WANT YOUR DAMN LEMONS! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THESE?" "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? I'M THE MAN WHO IS GOING TO BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN! WITH THE LEMONS!"

"Because that's not supposed to happen." Just how casually he says that under the circumstances is funny. Well, everything he says is funny.

"Caroline, please bring me more pain pills..." He sounds so sad. It makes me sad. :(

R.I.P. Cave Johnson

Cave Johnson: "Thank you, I can't believe I'm thanking these people." That quote is damn funny.

"If you meet yourself on the track do not make eye contact, boys tell me that will wipe out time ... entirely... forward and backward." My favorite.

11 minutes of voiceovers and still better than 90% of characters in anything plot ive ever heard.

The fact that I consider this man to be a legend even though I know he's fictional is a testament to how amazing the writing of these games are.

This guy is my role model.

Cave Johnson was a crazy madman, but goddamn was he a genius.

You know what I want........ pictures of Spider-Man!

I was pleasantly suprised to learn Cave Johnson is voiced by J.K. Simmons... such an underrated actor!!!

Now that I know that he's Stanford Pines I'll never hear this the same way again

Got a bit emotional when I remembered the twist about Carolyn in this game. Such a great story - great game!

WE ARE APERTURE BUM BA-DUM BA-BUM-BA-DUM

It took me ages to figure out why I recognized fords voice from GF, he was CAVE JOHNSON ALL ALONG! *GASP*

I didn't know Stanford Pines was voice acting for Portal 2.

'' I'M THE MAN WHO IS GOING TO BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN....... WITH THE LEMONS! ''

I love J.K. Simmons. ♥

if anyone else is here for the lemons quotes (like me) jump directly to 9:52 ... you're welcome :)

J.K. Simmons is just the best thing that ever fell out of either heaven or hell

3:49 "Bean counters said I couldn't fire a man just for being in a wheelchair. Did it anyway. Ramps are expensive." 6:27 "Let me answer those questions with a question: Who wants to make sixty dollars? Cash." 6:48 "So. Welcome to Aperture. You're here because we want the best, and you're it. Nope. Couldn't keep a straight face."

Cave Johnson: Don't make lemonade, make a lemon-ade!

Now we know what Omni-Man was up to before he came to earth

The part where Glados reacted to the cave Johnson quote like Carolyn would was and still is my fav part of portal 2

"i punch thse numbers into my calculator and it makes a happyface" same on this end.

5:21 safe science speech 5:43 intro to aperture 9:12 faxing out humans 6:40 couldn’t keep a straight face 3:40 I️ like your style

"The boys tell me that'll wipe out time . . . forwards and backwards." That's 1 of my favorites! :D

"Goodbye, sir..."

He actually succeeded in making combustible lemons. You can get the mod in the Garry's Mod workshop.

The sad thing is that I can imagine Stanford Pines saying some of these lines in complete sincerity.

I pay the bills I can talk about the damn control group as much as I want!

Best quotes (in my opinion): 2:58 3:24 5:14 6:18 9:50

I DONT WANT YOURE DAMN LEMONS!!

Tried to get my parents to listen to this they are very confused

“He says what we’re all thinking!” “Burning people!” -Caroline as GladOS

this is the best comedic written game ever.

"I'll be honest, we're throwing science on the wall here to see what sticks, no idea what it'll do. Probably nothing. Best case scenario, you might get some super powers. Worst case some tumours, which will cut out." So basically he's making some radioactive spiders here...

“In case you got covered in that repulsion gel, here’s some advice the lab boys gave me. Do not get covered in the repulsion gel”

DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM ? IM THE MAN THAT WILL BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN WHITH LEMONS

That Black Mesa reference

"Lemons?? Who gives a damn about Lemons!? All I'm looking for is those PICTURES OF SPIDERMAN!!"

I feel like people are getting a little twisted about when he said: "make her". I don't think he meant "strap her down and connect her brain to a computer against her will". I feel as though he was simply stating that she can be reluctant to do something when she feels unworthy to do so. It's pretty clear that throughout, Caroline is pretty meek, maybe even obedient. This did start in the '50s after all. Women were still "supposed" to be housewives and mothers. That's it. I picture it more as Johnson seeing something in Caroline that she could never see in herself. She could never be worthy enough to run Aperture Science, built by Cave Johnson himself, for as long as technology is still a thing. Johnson even said himself, in the same breath as 'make her', "Now she'll argue, she'll say she can't, she's modest like that..."

9:50 he actually sounds like Alex Jones lol

Every couple months I come back to this to remind myself of perfection

This guy is a kilometer and a half. Every quote makes me think I am going down a brand new corridor of crazy.

AND YOU ARE IT!

I love how the portrait of Cave Johnson looks like a slightly older J.K. Simmons with sideburns.

Poor Cave, he probably bought those moon rocks because he was going bankrupt.

0:00 - 11:07 These ones are my favorite.

Nobody: Your BEEMOD chamber: _this entire video_

This game is approaching 8 years in age, and this is STILL hilarious xD

1:49 "I'll be honest, we're throwing science at the wall here to see what sticks. No idea what'll do, probably nothing."

I know that JK Simmons has done stuff other than Portal 2 and Spider Man, but you really can't give me too much shit for liking those roles the best.

Valve may not have made anything new in years, but DAMN can they make a game that lasts

It's not just because JK Simmons voice both characters but Cave Johnson and Stanford Pines would've ruled the world together.

Where does Cave say "say 'hi', Caroline". And Caroline says "hi Caroline!"?

You are FIRED!

he’s voiced by J.K. Simmons who also voiced Stanford Pines from Gravity Falls

I don't want your damn lemons, I want Spider Man exposed for the two-bit degenerate he is!

His messages manage to be funny and horrifying at the same time.

this takes me back....

JK Simmons is awesome: Fact

You know, these quotes seem funnier when you think it's Tenzin saying it.

I can’t believe it’s been 5 min into the video it feels SO long!

'When life gives you lemons, GET PICTURES OF SPIDERMAN'

I'd love to see all of the audio in chronological order.

I love his lemon rant

Vault-tec has nothing on this guy....

"Ya' know, I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons...you don't make lemonade! You make life take the lemons back! Get MAD! Get REAL mad! I don't want your damn lemons -- what am I supposed to do with these?! Demand to see life's manager! Make life RUE THE DAY it dared give Cave Johnson LEMONS! DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?! I'm the man who's going to burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that BURNS YOUR HOUSE DOWN!!" **coughing fit ensues** "Point is, if we can store music on a compact disk, why can't we store a man's intelligence and personality on one? So I'm having the engineers figure that one out now. Brain mapping. Artificial intelligence. We should have been working on it thirty years ago. I will say this -- and I'm gonna say it on tape so everybody hears it a hundred times a day -- if I die before you people can pour me into a computer, I want Caroline to run this place." **coughs again** "Now, she'll argue. She'll say she can't. She's modest like that -- but you MAKE her!" **cough** "Hell, put her in my computer; I don't care. All right, test's over." **cough** "You can head on back to your desk." Hands down, best video game send-off ever.

I love the voice!!

This was a triumph

4:28 is funny lol. Short yes but man it’s funny entirely

we all know that we never make lemonade

If they already had portal devices, wouldn't gathering moon rock be extremely easy?

J.k nailed this role.

Call me cynical, but... put him in charge of the US Government. He would make that country great again :D

Cave Johnson wanted Caroline to run the place... What if they put her memories and personality into a computer and made GladOs?

Nice try Ford Pines

He has the best voice!

Goodbye, Sir.

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened had he survived long enough to be uploaded

Cave Johnson is the best.....

I'm crying. This is terrible, but hilarious.

Back when Valve made games...

Were you rushing, or were you lemons?!

Goodbye, sir.

Cave johnson is my spirit animal

Cave Johnson is my hero

In one of the PTI universes they were able to make it in time. He did go insane... Causing Cave Prime(Our universe Cave) to suspend all work on the GLaDOS project...

J. K. Simmons is such a blessing.

I STILL CANT BELIEVE HES ACTUALLY VOICED BY JK SIMMONS LIKE AINT NO WAY