Should My Abusive Ex and I Get Back Together? 

“I just beat lung cancer, should i start smoking again”

Together for 6 years, living together for 4 years. They have a child together. No plans on getting married OR ending the relationship. This is why playing house is not a good strategy, folks.

He has already told her he has no intention of meeting her needs. Her feelings are keeping her in an emotionally abusive relationship.

“Make no friendship with an angry man, And with a furious man do not go, Lest you learn his ways And set a snare for your soul.”Proverbs 22:24,25

He’s an emotional abuser and she knows that deep down. She needs to leave him. He’s not willing to give her what she needs. And we only need to be in relationship with people who accept and love and support us fully. We aren’t too much for the right people.

If he wasn't committed enough to marry you, he wasn't committed enough to become your child's father. "Well, it's only a piece of paper!" Yeah...well, what's so scary about a piece of paper compared to the challenges of being a parent?

If she stays with him she’s going to be a doormat for him. Encouraging her to go back is wrong. It puts her at a huge disadvantage.

Her desperation is palpable. I really feel for people who can't see clearly even after being abused. Loneliness is dangerous. At the core of all the romance scams is lonely people.

My ex had to cheat on me 2 times and go over my boundaries so many times before I finally was done with him. Now happily married 3 years to the most amazing man! Who never goes over my boundaries and I trust 100%!

“Playing family” 🤯 I needed to hear this. Thanks. 👏🏻

Was disappointed John said the relationship was salvageable. Gives the girl validation for her false hope which she doesn’t need. They don’t sound compatible at all. She deserves better for herself.

The trip to California has nothing to do with the baby. A 10 month old will be more inconvenienced than pleased by a trip. It's a pretty shallow excuse to spend time with her. And she totally has her answer if he says he wants to be with her but wont' do anything and everything to be with her.

She need to just run. There isn't anything good in this relationship.

We tried everything to be together... YOU tried, he just took advantage of that.

Love Dr D’s response…as for this gal, you know the Maya Angelou quote…”When someone shows you who they are, believe them” He isn’t interested in giving you what you want. Unless you want a lifetime of resentment from unmet needs, firm up your boundaries and find someone who will, happily. Good luck.

"Not a burden the child should have to carry." Exactly why using discernment in relationships and being in a committed marriage before having children is the right thing to do.

This girl already knew the answer when she called. She just wanted to take the gamble that it would be a good idea to go on the trip. She knows she shouldn’t stay, her heart just doesn’t believe her brain.

John “i got a massage yesterday” Deloney

@5:52 John's "great, congratulations" is priceless and so fitting

She wants to be a doormat to this narcissist dude and still sleeps with him when HE's available- and now wants to travel to California for a "Visit" with this guy? Who would be paying for this trip for a relationship "that won't work out". Don't Even Go. Your heart will be broken because he is still the same...but you will be lost- States away from your home. He's not willing to change so don't consider going to see him. If he wants to see his son and be active in his life- he would not be living several states away from him and requesting Her to bring their son to him.

Leave him girl!! Find someone who is supportive and loving 🥰

1:42 Mama, you are worthy of someone who loves on you with their words like the sun heating up a desert, someone who is going to lift you up with encouragement. No respectful man or human would call you weak during a difficult time, period ❤

This man as described sounds cruel and abusive. Maybe he’s not, but encouraging this relationship without more information was quite possibly damaging. Also, why did you assume she was “a lot?” You said that to a vulnerable woman who had been treated cruelly. Man, I’m SO disappointed in this response…and I’m a big fan of yours.

This girl is in so much denial! About her own feelings and what she wants deep down inside

This guy is so good at what he does. He truly has a passion for helping people. This is what happens when great people love their jobs. He really should have his in show in prime time. Keep up the good work! Thanks Doc

She does not sound like she’s A LOT though. I think the guy is a narcissist. Especially if he watched her cry and did not react or care to comfort her. Him walking out of therapy and cheating on her. It’s too much, I hope she leaves him. I love Dr. John, but I wonder sometimes how he’s able to give such advice so confidently without having talking to the other side.

While y'all are in limbo land, don't treat him like a boyfriend. Meaning; do not kiss cuddle or sleep together! If you give him all the perks without him having to do anything, there is no need for him to work on anything of his in order to be in a relationship with you.

John was quick on this one! He picked up what’s going on soooo quick. Dwl @ ‘I don’t believe you’

Leave him sis. Plenty of fish in the sea. Stop being a doormat.

Advice works like this: they ask, then they do the opposite, showing that they already made their decision and no matter what you tell them, they already made their decision. Most times people do the opposite. Which is why I tell people this is my take on it, but you just feel the answer inside you, because you already know what you want to do. Besides, the one advice you will pay for is telling someone that the person they love is not worth their love and they should rather learn to love themselves instead.

It’s really difficult to counsel someone if the person can’t be honest with her/himself.

I left my ex because of similar reasons when my daughter was just 3 months old. I kept saying his behavior was justified and that it will get better later on, however deep down I knew that wasnt the case. Someone who treats you bad during pregnancy ( like my case) and post baby is not going to change. Those are the moments your partner should be the most supportive and if they arent and blame you or everything else for their bad behavior. Get out before its too late and before it gets worse. I knew my daughter deserved better than that so I got out, have been raising her alone 99% of the time since I was 24. Its not easy but her safety and health comes before everything else. She cant protect herself so I need to protect her. Plot twist after I left him 2 months later he admitted he never wanted a baby to begin with 😂 so you guys understand how ' grown up' he was. As if I could return the baby if he didnt want it.

Move on girl!!! You need someone who makes you feel safe.

The headline is the dumbest I’ve ever read. Simple answer…NO, NEVER EVER!

She loves him, he does not love her. If he did, he would have stepped up. Everything about his behavior is screaming: " i do not want the wife and kid". After 4 years, he would have proposed when they found out they were expecting. He did not.

Prob one of the best clips I've heard in a while. Great John!

Dr John is spot on.

This was such good advice! For me as well thank you 🙏 God bless you John

Her baby daddy sounds like an expert at gaslighting.

John’s response @18:08, great job!

This girl is all over the place.

The lady sounds so sweet... I hope things work out for her in all things that she hopes for and wants to achieve ..❤️❤️❤️❤️💐🌸🌺

You will be wasting your young life if you stay with him! I wasted 27 years on a man like that! I wish I never met him! Some men NEVER grow up and can’t handle a real relationship and real life! The key word here is he likes to PLAY house! RUN and get a real man!

There’s 2 sides to every story, BUT, it’s easy: no trust, no relationship. Dr John seen through you like nothing 🧐, but I have a feeling you already knew all of this, you just needed to hear it

there's a very pointed song called 'stitches' by 'haste the day' that I am reminded of when it comes to abuse and abusers... "Rip the seam. Then I'll show you how the strings become the stitches in your mouth. In your silence we are louder. When the strings become the stitches in your mouth."

3 words: "Winter is Coming."

So many red flags here........ Should she....absolutely not!! Will she???? The second he sweet talks her into it. She won't be walking back to him, she'll outrun Usain Bolt.

For me, it would be over the second I heard about the "happy endings" 🤢

Geez dr. D your just insanely amazing. Your brutally honey but your right.

She's showing her kid exactly what an unhealthy relationship is. On off on off on off etc etc

"we" aren't trying everything, YOU are trying everything. Hint..... Abusive = LEAVE, Don't Go Back, Cut Ties, Supervised Visits for kid. BTW, you go CA with this bum, he'll dump you there. And yes, you Are setting a bad example for your son.

18:15 This makes so much sense! Absolutely makes 100% crystal clear sense! At the same time it's like well damn then there is just no winning! To be clear, winning is not the goal, but if you're just trying to help somebody understand what you're going through and it wasn't from a woman's perspective which seems even worse, How do you get the person to even listen to you? That's such a rock and a hard place!

Can you speak more on being “a lot” in relationships?

Great advice

Well, she did a great job of selling him to Dr John 🤣🤣

The operative word here is "abusive". The answer is "no".

Happy ending massages. 🤣 😂

Yeah, do it!.

Wow. Heavy call!

Why is she such a doormat?

I hope the people that call in go back and read the comments.

Run, don't walk. That relationship is doomed to fail.

Sounds like bad boy ex lays that pipe down good

“How about I drag you out into the parking lot and run over you with the car”-Dr John Deloney, November 2021. This has been another episode of, Dr Deloney:Out of Context 😂😂

Learn to avoid narcissists. It's a one-way relationship. Therapy will not help unless he commits to weekly therapy by his own volition, and even then, you can't change personality styles. At most he can become a functional narcissist still prone to rage, entitlement, validation seeking, etc.

No!, No, No and not

She is a huge piece of this problem. She is too much

I have my doubts Dr. Delony that this is salvageable. They both are damaged, especially the guy

He’s emotionally abusive . I’m sure didn’t just start after they had their son . I’m sure there have been red flags and she chose to ignore and have a kid with him anyways .

Happy ending massage 🤣

Why would you have a kid with someone like this???? Be smarter ladies

My wife had post pardon, she never admitted to it, instead she blamed me for her being depressed.

7:37 Ha ha 😂😂 yeah right… I never had that fantasy!

Sometimes I do want him to say “just dump him” though 🙈

Don’t do it girl

No, No, NOOOO! He didn't make an appointment to continue couple's counseling, but he can plan to take you to California? This is NOT a healthy relationship. Either move on, or act like you're moving on. Past behavoir really is a predictor of his future behavior. When you were going through the post partum depression, he basically walked out on you. Next time the going get's tough, he'll get going again. I am so glad that Dr. John can cut through the mess. He has answered your question from just after your son was born, if not before. It takes two to make a marriage work, but it takes only one to break it.

This guy is very abusing. He knows she has depression and left her to die inside…

What a mess. That poor baby.

I think John was too eager to be right here. She said she didnt want to get back together with her ex but he kept insisting she did. Then he asked what it would take to get back together with him, and kept asking that over and over again until she understood he wasnt going to move on until she gave him an answer. So she did. The it was "I knew it!!". I think he needs to stop trying to guess the answer and listen more.

Dear Jessica, this Ex Boyfriend sound to me as if he is a proper Narcissist or if you are a believer I call this people who dont know the "LOVE of The FATHER" and it is best to stay at "HEALTHY" distance from them. In some rare cases, some get healed but they have to want to open up about the issue with their Parents or Father ficure in their live and work on themselves.

“ not smart to treat him like a boyfriend in limbo land”

I don't think so lady!

He responds at 5:18

Do you really want to go through this again?

I don’t need this kind of negativity

Just got to have those bad boys.

Give him his baby 🍼 boy and move on...!

Sounds like the dude is a narcissist.

Shes delusional. He's made it clear where he stands and is taking care of his kid for the most part. She needs to wake up

The problem with problematic relationships is that people are telling you you should have known from the start and that makes the problem your fault in their opinion. The thing is, you truly should have known from the start. There were reasons why you saw and then unsaw the red flags. Maybe it was that you never came across the right information that this is a huge red flag and you should not even consider this person and give them another minute of your lifetime. Maybe you felt numb and confused and didnt know what to do with this input when your whole body and mind should have screamed to get away. Maybe your body told you but your mind never went there and told you that this is a huge sign that you should show them the door right now because they also did something which made you believe that you should honor that they want you even if you dont want them. Like you owe them anything. Then of course there are the people giving you bad advice and being bad role models for you, making you think your initial feeling about the whole thing is wrong, that you are wrong and would be bad and silly if you did not do what they tell you to do. But the truth is, there are red flags so early on, and we just ignore them, and once you let the bad guys into your life, that's it. They will leave only when they want to. Your best chance is that they find "someone better". So, pray that they do and do not fight for them to stay! Be as useless to them as possible! And really, people in general are easy to manipulate. It is enough to tell really anyone "I want you, I love you!" and they are stuck. Because that is what humans want and need. It is so easy to supposedly fulfill this need. Even the worst liars can manage it easily. Humans are so desperate to have this need fulfilled, that they will re-wire themselves wrong to perceive abuse and being used as being wanted and loved. Do not let us blame the individual. Nature is at fault. Nature built the brain that way to ensure our survival in any given setting. Nobody is making that choice. Nature makes it for us. Or you could call it God, whoever you think is responsible for our bodies functioning the way they function and that the brain structure actually influences our personality, actions and choices. Our brains can be re-wired at any given time, but it takes significant input and either a huge perceived threat and or damage to our system or constant rewards.

I can’t agree with you on the analogy regarding post pardon depression. It is his child as well and should want to help as much as he can but this guy sounds like a man child and then you give that analogy basically saying it’s ok he reacted that way. And for the most part you encourage people to tell their significant other what they need. I didn’t like that, this guy doesn’t get sympathy for acting the way he did when his gf asks for help.

It just goes to show another example of how women continue to love "bad boys" no matter what they have done to them and she named 3 clear examples demonstrating why they couldn't work out. I am sure a "nice" guy would take a chance with the caller but it doesn't seem like she will not give them the time of day. I guess the only rationale I can think of for her is she feels guilty because this dude is the father. I am glad John was able to tell her the hard truth and call her out that she still has feelings for him despite her dancing around it and walk her through the steps of how to handle the situation.

This video could be 1 minute. Ask the question and hear the answer: NO

I agree with John, she's still in love with him. Why not try 'n make it work. They have a family, fgs!!!!!!

Well he sounds wonderful. 🙄

Don’t move back in.

Why have a kid with someone you have no intention of marrying? You set yourself up for this when you’re not married.

Why should he make any change or try harder to meet your needs when there are no consequences for his actions? Just saying “he wants you” is hollow and quite frankly, it’s not true. Why change when you give him the affection he needs when he wants it or play family when he wants; and when he doesn’t need that anymore, you’ll be discarded. It’s harsh, but true. While the ball may seem like it’s in Jessica’s court because he said it was, it’s not. It’s an illusion. He knows she’ll spend time and be with him even if he says things like “I can’t meet you needs.” The boyfriend is not nervous one bit that she’ll actually leave him. Jessica, please see this. It sucks and I’m not saying it’s over, but be strong and STOP GIVING HIM WHAT BE WANTS while you sit back and just take what you can get.

It seems like saying I don't believe you it's pretty extreme. If I was talking to anybody, a friend or psychologist, or family member, and they said they didn't believe me, I would just stop talking. You could say well it seems like there's probably more to this than what you might be aware of. If you don't believe me about this, then what else are you not going to believe me about?

If a woman can go through pregnancy, morning sickness, invasive medical examinations, childbirth and all the pain and the risks that come with it, depression etc. to bring their child into the world, it shouldn't be that hard for the baby's father to listen to a short clip about postpartum depression. Saying "he's uneducated" as some kind of excuse, makes no sense given that he's determined to refuse to educate himself. He's cruel and selfish and he's behaving as if offering a bit of support to the mother of his child is asking too much. I hope she leaves and finds someone better.