Why We Love People Who Hurt Us 

"We only accept the love we think we deserve" Still haven't heard a sentence truer than that

People seek familiarity rather than perfection

As a wise man once said: "I would rather feel pain than nothing at all"

Wow! I got completely shocked when you mentioned you were 30 years old. I thought you were 25 at most.

I sense a comment section that will either be toxic or very forgiving.

Bro... you DO NOT look 30. Wow... But other than that, this was eye opening for me. Really was. You really know how to see a different perspective bud.

"We tend to look for people who hurt us because they're not just hurting us, they're hurting us in the same way we've been hurt for our whole life" damn...

1) Find the most common relationship patterns between children and their caregivers. 2) Recreate those situations constantly with people in real life. 3) Conquer the world.

It’s crazy I recently had this epiphany while I’m therapy. I’m attracted to people that can hurt me and we confuse that with love. It makes sense since you learn love primarily from your parents. And I found out that I tend to reject people that actually give me love because I find it uncomfortable and not used to that. It’s crazy how much old patterns affect us and I think more people should take a second and be aware of these patterns.

I agree. Some people are drawn to people who balance their weaknesses. Then they either outgrow the person or become overly dependent on them. My thought is: fix yourself or you'll spend your life fruitlessly trying to find someone to "complete" you.

Like my main man Buddha says: "Attachment is the root of all suffering". We suffer due to our attachments and expectations of what love is. Love without attachment. Don't be attached to someone else's love. Love is just in the present moment. This is easier said than done. Oh much easier said than done.

When you crush on someone and already think ur in a relationship, can lead to disasters

In the words of Count Dooku, "I've been looking forward to this!"

"Why is it that people who like you are drawn to you" Heh good joke

THE BOOK "TOXIC PARENTS" Explains these things so well, and helps to dissect the problem and heal. Warm recommendation :)

Wow, you're 30? You look way good, like you could be 22! Totally love you Charlie, and I want you to know you're making a real difference in real people's lives. Like mine☺

Always a pleasure to get this notification. 💯 Keep going brotha ! From France ! 🇫🇷

"we settle for less than ideal when we think the love that we desire is outside of us and not inside of us" brilliant!

Being hurt is always part of the package when loving someone, you get hurt because you expect too much, so brace yourself and be ready for the consequences. If someone is worth your pain, fight for him but if he's not, you better find your way to get out of it.

LOL this is too damn timely for me :(

9/10 huge smile

You literally just made me understand why my last 10 years of relationships have all failed in 13 minutes. I've always understood that we seek out the love that our parents taught us, but never how our own actions and behavior can influence that and create issues as a result. Thanks for that.

Violence and mockery was my entire childhood. If not by my parents, then by my "friends" and it worries me if I seek out such a person...

This video came at such a perfect timing , a group of people who I used to be friends with blocked me and I still miss them

Thank you Charlie

That awkward moment when you are an orphan...and you don't know what the hell he's talking about in regards to parents.

I used to fell in love with people that neglected me. Now I don't even like people that don't like me. I have stopped caring and looking for unattainable people.

This makes so much sense. Thoughtful, sincere and intelligent commentary. This is why I love your channel so much.

Recently went through a break up and this really opened my eyes to why I was so attracted to her and why we ended up having the problems we did. Thank you so much for this!

This one's exactly = The School of Life videos

I’ve learnt a whole lot through this channel, Charly, and I’m so thankful for your guys’ consistent work. You are doing a fantastic job covering not only some “basic” body language and small talk stuff, but also helping everyone to express themselves at 100%, stand up for their beliefs and connect with their emotions as well as other people on a more meaningful level. I love your more in-depth videos, Charlie (like the one on social media addiction or today’s video) which invite us to reflect back on our own lives, and I hope hope hope we get to see some more of this kind in the future. Your work is much appreciated...

You literally hit the nail on the head with what I’ve dealt with. So timely!

P.S , you changed my life and you keep changing it with each upload

Oh no...my dad was a careless bad boy. Now I understand why I keep crushing on the worst guys😭

You are such a beautiful soul Charlie :) Thank you so much for being you and for helping all of us when you don’t even know us. I love the analogy that when we are craving for similar emotions or situations as we had with our childhood childcare we are on a survival mode. And I love that you always remind us to be loving and caring to ourselves. It helps to check whether we are just drawn towards people because of our survival mode or if we truly like the person. And it helps a lot to imagine how we would act differently had we have loving, caring, mature and supporting parents. I know a lot of us don’t have one and can’t change the past. But just imagine we have a imaginary mom or dad or guardian angel that will always love and support us can actually make you feel always loved. I find it easier than imagine a duplicated myself loving myself lol Even though I do love myself, it’s sometimes hard to be that strong

Dude, I love it when you do deeper videos like this. You're always so well spoken, but with these types of videos in particular, you are SO good at articulating these more complex ideas. Totally understand if you don't wanna do them that often, but I just wanted to say I'm totally on board!

Thank you so much for that video and your honesty about yourself. It really helped me to realize some of my patterns... Keep it up! Nice greetings from Austria

Great video, I recognize a lot of things you said in my own relationships. I gotta say I really admire your capacity to speak in 1 go without uhms and ahs. I do have one tip for minor improvement, which is the background. There's some youtubers who have great backgrounds in their videos, like Dave Rubin and Brian Kibler for example. Maybe consider that, might be fun to work on too!

this "looking for an image of myself" is what i was drawn to a lot. found a girl that had the same problem about experiences from childhood, not having a happy family, growing up in the abuse at home not understanding why it is happening sometime but never stops. we talk about this childhood experience and i was amazed that she was paying a lot of attention to me and understood everything i said then she would relate to show that she understands me and that we have been in the same situation. it was good talk but then we start arguing about other things since we new each other so well 😆

I've had coaches for years, all, but 1, specifically for Love. I think you changed my Life with this video. Okay, there's been a lot leading up to this. The pattern was put into place by how we got ATTENTION from our (favorite, dare I say so) parent. That's how we relate to the rest of the world. Relationships are 'taught' in the first seconds, minutes... years of Life. You survived, so you do it again and again. Awareness is the road to change the neuro-pathways. And I am directing my mind, to think of something else. I can, now, think for myself. Something Conscious...the List!!!!!! I will 'turn down' the invitation to interact with the programmed treatment, over and over again, until I no longer attract it in at all. Thank you soooo much Charlie.

I tend to like people who I constantly have to fight for the attention of. I think that rings true to my childhood aswell lol

I wanted to study psychology... But now my mind is all Freud

I love how casually and calmly you explain it :) For the last months I've been going to therapy and I usually feel upset when I see or read about these topics. But you talk about it so, for the lack of a better word, "softly", lol. I really enjoyed it

I'm currently going through a breakup and what you said fits my situation very well. I found that I'd rather stay in an undesirable relationship and settle than simply get out. I think it's just as you said, it's what I'm drawn to. I was super shy growing up, didn't step on any toes and I could always make people laugh by being goofy. But now, my desire to help makes me willing to bring my life down in hopes of lifting someone up. No one should have to give up a part of themselves to make up for the faults in another. Because that person will only be happy so long as you are unhappy. And you may be able to stick it out for a month, year, or longer, but at what cost? Thanks for making this video and giving me a chance to rant. This helped me, and hopefully someone is helped by reading this.

Thank you, great timing

Hey thank you for your vulnerability: that was really insightful.

I've watched a LOT of your videos but, this one was by far the most valuable one to me. I have viewed it three times now - today! As you suggested, I'm going to put pencil to paper and I am sure that I going to spend quite a few hours over several days working on this. I can't thank you enough for this video. It may very well change the course of my life.

I love this video! Please make more of this content. Being able to reflect on why you do things, or becoming aware of why you do certain things is helping me grow so much as a person lately, and it makes me feel so fulfilled. It's like getting to know your REAL self, understanding your REAL self, reclecting on things of the past, processing things of the past and really learning about it on a deeper level. Certainly as an autistic person my life has been quite a rollercoaster ride, and I had to learn a lot of things the hard way, since they just were not there "naturally". But I've already come so far, and video's like this let me help reflect on myself even more. So, I'd love more content like this :)

30 what ? ... no way !

I also grew up with a needy mom and I find myself emotionally attracted to vulnerable girls.

Your transparency and vulnerability in sharing your personal life examples make your messages so potent. Thank you!!!

Man, it's impressive that you can do the whole video without a single cut, it shows that you really know what you're talking about. Great vid

I like this type of content!!!!

I love how this channel is going into the philosophy of love and life and not just how to pick up women.

I suffered emotional abuse and had my needs neglected from my father throughout my whole childhood, and the first (and only person so far) I have ever been attracted to and opened up to was someone who ended up being abusive and neglectful of my needs. Guess I found my blueprint :(

One of the most impactful videos ive ever watched, it effortlessly made sense and i related to it a lot

I don't think I have a certain type. I just kind of develop a crush slowly an then suddenly realised I'm really in love with them. Then I'm like, "oh whoops".

WOW, This is true, when I think about it, all of my girlfriends have had the same pattern and all share similarities with my mom when I was very little

The timing couldn’t be better for me seeing this video! Thank you so much for hitting the nail on the head again!

This video is LEGIT. As a mental health therapist with a masters in counseling and addictions, etc this is so open minded, progressive and considerate. This is a really great video! Thank you for this!

Crush: Cold and passive-aggressive Guess how my mom was in my early childhood... I'd rather stay single for the rest of life than to ever have to deal with that again.

Thank you so much for this. I am 24 years old and i have spent my last 3 years figuring all these out through an emotionally abusive relationship. What i know now is a result of suffering and pattern observation. I don't want to marry a woman like my mom. I want a true friend as a partner. I have came into conclusion that, opposites attract but it's the similarities that keeps us together. I don't need Yin to the Yang.

This was a very good one! Thank you Charlie!

Holy crap Charlie I am exactly like you. I knew all of this but it was a nice reminder. This definitely explains why I am drawn to your channel even though I know most of the stuff you talk about! You have the safe type of energy as me!

This reminds me of Seugmund Freud

This video is SO. DAMN. TIMELY.

Your personal examples really help to understand the points, especially on more complex topics like these

I felt everything you just said. Thank you, I love hearing your opinions and ideas on these issues and such!

please more videos like this, great to see

EVERY ONE RUN! NICE GUYS INCOMING!

I do the vulnerable thing too. I love the idea of being the knight in shining armor rescuing the damsel in distress and looking after her.

I really liked this one, the explaining, the awareness and than the action. Taking your time to bring over the message in a calm and clear way, loved it !

Damn did I need this video. I just had my heart broken when I found out that this girl I have been crushing on WAY TOO HARD (since like forever) had a boyfriend and I'm pretty devastated right now. This drew my attention to a) that I tend to fall for the same types of emotionally unavailable/disinterested people (probably because my parents were like that and I felt love when I was able to "earn" their attention), and b) that she has the power to make me feel this way because I let her (because I need a girl to complete me rather than have that love exist internally like you said). So I guess I got some work to do on myself. Definitely some lessons learned as well (like make it more clear sooner into meeting her - although in my defense, I was working through some stuff then and wasn't in the right frame of mind), and I'll try to take care of myself so that one day I won't need external validation that I'm a worthwhile person. Thanks Charlie and the Charisma Community! Love you all, let's keep on becoming more badass/complete people together, and have an awesome day!

20 y/o Not a single time i felt love

Such Videos are simply the way to go: as your audience (or at least a part of it) is growing up, such complex videos are getting more and more accurate. With the one about Ayahuasca my recent personal favorites. Keep the good work Charlie and Bob, best channel on YT

Amazing man! You always get the right topics to cover :)

The moment I realized every person I ever dated has been essentially the same person with different quirks and exterior

No, I don't. And I don't understand why people do...

It all makes sense now. Thank you Charlie, your videos are awesome. You give great explanation and it's helpful to implement the content from your videos to my life. I wish everything the best for you!

Such a genuine, competent and BRILLIANT channel. Love you, Charisma on Command. You are one of a very few sources of knowledge, wisdom, and well-being in my life that I sincerely admire with all my heart!

I don't think love is about your caretakers, it is about our ideal caretakers. I think it is interesting to look this topic from this point of view!

What to do when you feel like you might like someone, but don't want to ask how they feel in fear it might ruin or make the friendship awkward..? I'm not exactly sure if I like her, but I'm usually having a great time when we hang out, though it's usually not just her and I, it's our little college circle of friends (which, as a side note, another of the girls there confessed to me she sort of liked me, to which I said I didn't feel the same way, but we can still be friends, and we are, but not everyone reacts that way, which is why I fear making the friendship awkward.) I don't think she likes me, so I feel I should just keep my thoughts to myself so as to not risk anything. But who knows..? I've only "confessed" once right after graduating from HS, since I knew we'd go to different colleges, so things wouldn't be awkward considering we wouldn't be seeing other everyday like in school. Idk, any tips..?

Very well thought out.

Each word you said, I felt it being mirrored in my life. Your channel is one of the best, but this video truly touched me since it's been experienced by others too.

So timely it hurts

Hey just a little idea. There's this great, relatively new sci-fi series called The Expanse. Maybe you could find some material for charisma breakdowns in it.

Yup, same pattern for me. My sister died in a accident just after I was born. My mom took it very hard. Growing up, I was attracted to the same type of girls that you mentioned in the video. The bad thing is that they would regularly lie to me and make things up. So far, I had a gf faking getting raped when she was 6, another one having cancer and a third one getting physically abused by her father. None of which actually happened, as I later found out. Great stuff. Funny thing is I've been to all these therapists, yet you're the first guy that explained the mechanism behind it so clearly. Thank you.

Amazingly well explained!

I have so much love to give that people throw it all away. :) It doesn't matter I still love them anyway.

Hey Charlie, I find that the audio in your videos is typically quiet. Good content though

love the direction this channel is going in

I learned so much. I wasn't expecting that :) Thank you for being a teacher to me. That was.. useful.

Actually i fall in love with people who have opposite characters than my parents.i fall in love with people looking like anime.they remind me of my childhood.

Nice. I see we’ve been reading the same book: Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix 🙂

I just turned 50. I'm fasanatly amazed at how little I know about myself. It certainly adds flair and excitement to my life. I've always been intrigued with human physiology and get ecstatic when I can see a different side of myself (past or present) that I've never seen before or even realised it ever existed. I find it fascinating that our hearts can conflict with our minds and with our well being. Instead of reflecting and evolving from our experiences, we tend to repeat the same patterns by choosing to dismiss, turn a blind eye or make/accept any excuses when we feel and know that something or someone is a little off. We'll be more compassionate, patient, more understanding. Sadly we'll loose a part ourselves in the process. Instead of being logical and realistic we choose to stay and keep giving even more of ourselves, Instead of simply seeing this as they are and removing ourselves from a potential foreseen disaster. I've been aware of how we are affected by the experiences in our early childhood development. I thought I understood this theory, but happily realise that there is more layers to it. You have elegantly added a twist to this a phylosify and how i interpret myself. I totally get what your saying and see myself, my decisions and actions more with depth and clarity. Your wisdom and advise not only changed my thinking and perception, it has the potential to change the lives of my 5 children, my grandchildren and even our future generations. They will possess this self knowledge and be more intuned of what and why their feeling what their feeling and deeply understand their hidden motives, enabling them more information and understanding when having to make difficult love and life decisions. Fantastic insights my friend! Thank you

THIS IS CRAZY HOW MANY THINGS CLICKED FOR ME WHEN WATCHING THIS, THIS MAKES SO MUCH SENSE

11:41 All I wanted to yell out was "you should check out the hook while the DJ revolves it." And yes, I know it isn't exact, but it's close e-damn-nough.

But isnt it normal to help someone you love? Like everyone does it? :D

This video has changed my life. I feel like you are exampling my whole life. My eyes have been opened to a lot of unhealthy habits.

Charlie, the most amazing thing of your videos is how well you communicate yourself. You always do it in one continuous shot. It's a joy to watch. Greetings from Argentina